My response to the Trayvon Martin / Zimmerman Verdict

The tragic Trayvon Martin death. It's the topic everyone knows something about and everyone has some sort of opinion about.  Some are weighing in so heavily that it is almost as if they were the ones personally wronged.  Others are weighing in just to stir up trouble.  Many are weighing in fairly... just stating their opinion.  But the fact is, whether on media or in personal conversations, this is one of those cases that has the entire country discussing, one way or another. It is an emotionally charged case that the media has fueled into overdrive.  And it is heartbreaking.

I don't intend to make this entry about my opinions of the case.  I don't even begin to have enough evidence to make any kind of judgment on the case as far as guilt and innocence go.  I wasn't there. I wasn't in Trayvon Martin's shoes that night to know what it was he did.  I wasn't in Zimmerman's shoes to know what he did.  I didn't receive the 9-1-1 call.  I wasn't a neighbor who heard something.  All I have to go on is total hearsay... and I know that hearsay doesn't warrant my right to condemn either way. 

What I do intend to write about is my emotional reaction to something that has nothing to do with what the media and social outlets seem to be addressing.  I am going to write about the complete respect I have for both families that are involved. 

Before you write me off... and you have the right to do that... but first, hear what I have to say.  You might be surprised when you are done.  Maybe not.  But if you start to read on a topic like this, I think you should at least complete it before you determine to ignore my input.  I think if we all did that a little more... really heard others out... we might all find ourselves in a better place.

I am a white, middle-class American.  I do not know what it is like to have ancestors that suffered through cruel slavery.  I do not know what it is like to be stereotyped as a black man.  I don't know what it is like to be a mixed race being as much Hispanic as  white.   I don't know what it is like to suffer rejection based on skin color or culture.  When I read of things such as this, I am horrified and shocked that it really still takes place.  And sometimes, I feel like in a way it shifts against me at times.  Because I am a white girl that doesn't understand, it is sometimes assumed that because I don't understand, I don't care, or even worse, assumed I may share some of the same beliefs.  I do know how that stereotype feels and it hurts because it couldn't be further from the truth. 

I love people.  I don't love based on skin color or culture.  I love people based on people.  I am actually one of those people that finds myself drawn to people that aren't the same as me because I love flavor in life.  I love what everyone has to offer and how interesting that makes life.  Just because I am a white girl doesn't mean I have prejudice of people based on the shallow judgment of color or culture.  And I hate it when I feel stereotyped because of those that do.

Again, before that receives immediate judgment, please know I am not comparing the two.  I do not think that feeling sometimes stereotyped in with those that are snobs and ridiculous in my skin color range trumps or equals anyone else's sufferings at all.  I absolutely don't! I can't imagine knowing some of my relatives were hung in a tree simple for the color of their skin.  I can't imagine if people automatically assumed I was less than someone else because I came into this country from poverty in Mexico.  I can't imagine it because I haven't lived it.  And I know it must muster a deep sense of hurt.  I am so sorry.  I hate cruelty of any kind towards anyone.  If you know me, you know this of me.  I'm the girl standing in the ally begging people not to fight because Jesus wouldn't like it and being made fun of for it in 5th grade.  I'm the girl rescuing dogs off the street while risking my own life because I can't stand to see them suffer.  I hate cruelty and I can't imagine what some have been through.

But in the same respect, no one has lived my life either.  No one has felt what I feel in my heart when I hear those very same news stories.  No one understands what it is to be white and feel deep sorrow over a situation that is made to be racist and automatically, me being white is somehow shameful to others when the reality is I truly am broken hearted as much as the next person... no matter skin color or ethnicity.  It breaks my heart.  Not because I am suffering the same as someone else (why would I even want to have comparison in suffering?) but because I so long for a world that sees the problem for what it is... evil. Evil is what causes tragedy and suffering.  Evil is the problem.  Not skin color... of any race.

So while the world swirls around the issue of race, I am swirling around the issue of pain.  Not of my pain or those that are in the media being so aggressive and hate-filled, but the pain of two families.  One family who happens to be black and one family who happens to be a mixed white/Hispanic blend.  Both who were having a normal evening that fateful night when their two sons met up.  Both of which would give anything to erase that day from existence so their lives were as they were just the day before.

I want to start with Trayvon's parents.  I cannot imagine the phone call when it came.  I have buried a child, but I can't even begin to process the shock, pain, and sheer terror of finding out their beloved Trayvon was gone and the way he was taken.  The anger, pain, and suffering of their grief is beyond something I could begin to fathom.  I hurt so much for them.

And then it grew worse. 

Their pain was already encompassed with horror and then the media begins to rip apart their son.  They have to have every detail of his teen life sorted out on a national level for people to grab hold of as if all the details were present and fair to judge.  Yet, anyone with any sense at all, knows the media never fully covers all details.  They cover the ones that sensationalize the story they are pushing.  They call it telling the truth.  But as I have taught my children all their lives, partial truth is not truth at all.  Anyone can take a partial truth, twist it, and make it something totally different, which ultimately becomes a lie. 

I cannot tell you how much I grieved every time I heard some awful accusation of who he was and how he lived.  I wanted to shatter my TV and yell... "HE IS DEAD!  HIS PARENTS CAN HARDLY BREATH!  WOULD YOU JUST SHUT UP!!!!!"  I have no doubt, Trayvon's life was treated cruelly in his death, on a national level. No one would want their worst shared on national TV when they die.  This family did not deserve that.  Whatever Trayvon's issues had been, his family has suffered enough.  He is dead.  What a cruel thing to do in the wake of that reality.

And because I do know the grief of life without your child, I am so full of respect for the way they have called for peace in the midst of the outcome, in spite of what must be incomprehensible pain.  Anger is a real and uncontrolled part of the grief process.  To be in the midst of the most devastating grief and be able to wish peace no matter what, sent my respect for them through the roof.  If anyone has a right to be angry right now, it is that family! But they have chosen peace.  My respect for them... not because they are black, but because of who they are proving to be in their character, is in full.  Thank you Martin family for pushing for peace in your darkest hour.  I know it wasn't easy. 

I do also have respect for the Zimmerman family.  I am not determining his innocence or guilt. My respect for that family is in the fact that they love their son/brother.  That is what my respect is about.  They have suffered great loss as well.  Not the same or even comparable to the loss the Martin's have suffered.  But again, as a mom that has laid a sweet beloved son to rest, I can tell you that even when it is not death, when your child's life is not as it should be, the suffering of a mother's heart is deep and difficult. They didn't choose their son's actions that night or any other night, any more than Trayvon's family did.  They are suffering and that breaks my heart as well. 

I do not for one second think any one of the Zimmerman family members, if they had any choice in this situation, would have chosen for George to shoot and kill Trayvon.  I can imagine the tears that mothers has shed knowing she will spend the rest of her life in the reality that her son killed a teenage boy.  Self defense arguments and skin color aside, that mom has to wake up every single day knowing her son took the life of another.  Any mom can say, deep devastation comes when you realize your child has made a choice that will cost them the rest of their lives.

I can tell you, as a mom, it is not easy to think of consequences that are life long for your child.  It is ugly and painful and suffocating in a totally different but very real way.  My adopted daughter is living in some realities I would never have chosen and it is hard every single day to think about.  That is George's mom. 

I would imagine she has questions.  Deep, dark questions that she can't bring herself to even ask out loud.  She wasn't there that night.  She doesn't know either exactly what occurred.  If even one time she has looked in the mirror and thought, "I wonder....", then her suffering is beyond comprehension.  No mom ever wants to have to question on any level, the actions of her child. 

But ultimately, her job is mom.  It isn't judge and jury.  And I respect her for standing with her son.  I suspect she would have stood with him if found guilty just as she will in the finding of innocence from the court.  I respect her for being able to get up every day and face this.  It cannot be easy for even one second to be George Zimmerman's mother.  It can't be easy to have that name at all.  The actions in one situation has damned an entire family and they, no matter what side of the fence anyone is on, are all completely innocent of this situation.  Yet they too will suffer for a lifetime.

Both of these moms and families have so much to try to live through for as long as they are on earth.  It is horrific beyond comprehension that Trayvon's mother now grieves what should have been for her son that will never be.  It is heavy on Zimmerman's mom that her son is behind the shot that brought that reality to another mom.  And it's all because a man, a teen, and a gun tangled. 

I guess for me, my heart doesn't turn to the facts and the motives of this situation.  My heart turns to the families.  I could care less what their skin color is.  I care about their hearts.  I hurt for all of them and I ache that this is a situation that may never become beautiful as my son's death has.  Part of what helped me to recover from the suffocating sadness, was the beautiful way I have experienced Jesus work in others lives and draw them to Him.  That has helped me every single day.

Trayvon's mom called for peace.  She stood strong on her faith.  What are we, in all of this racially charged hate, doing to a mom that just wants and needs to hold on to her faith?  And how different could her healing be if she knew her son's death had sparked a movement of love instead of hate?

The Martin's and the Zimmerman's have a hard road to walk in very different ways.  Both have truly had their lives changed, by no actions or choice of their own.  However, I truly know there is nothing that compares to the death of a child.  The Martin's will have so much more to endure as time goes on.  I ache at the thought of the day, on down the road, when Traci Martin wakes up and it really hits her.  It takes a while anyway in death.  But when you have been surrounded in the chaos of all the legal issues over this time, she has had so much to keep her mind busy.  At some point time will stand still for her and it will hit in a way she never could prepare. 

That makes me hurt in a way that is so personal, though I am in no way connected to this at all.  But I feel the hurt of it from my own grief.  It's the gift of empathy because of what I have lived.  Not what she has lived, but what I have lived.  And it is in that, where my reaction to all of this is found!  

I don't care what the skin color or cultures are.  I hurt.  If our world would start to realize many people feel this more than those that hate, we could love our way out of the racism.  I really believe that.  And I believe until we do we will continue to be a part of the problem rather than the solution.

Red, yellow, black, white, rainbow... we are all God's design.  According to facts, Jesus and I do not have the same skin color.  He was Jewish, not Caucasian. But I know.... I KNOW... if I were the only person on earth, He would have gone to the cross for me.  Skin color doesn't matter. 

This is a tragic situation.  And if I read the newspaper or watch the news, it is a tragedy that happens every single day.  People killing people for all kinds of reasons.  All of which lead to sadness and someone's excruciating loss.  When we choose to let opinions and hate be our reaction, we only breed more of what it is that is hurting us. 

But if we stop and think of people as just that... people... one day at a time, one little corner of our own little world at a time, love will win. I cannot make everyone believe that this white woman loves ALL people. And no one can make every other person love people not matter what color skin.  We just can't. 

All we can do is be responsible for ourselves.  We can love those we are given the chance to love.  We can look at our own hearts and analyze any prejudices we carry.  We all have them. They may not be about skin color or culture.  It may be the way someone smells.  It may be that they are related to someone that we have been hurt by.  So many different things in each of us to be worked out.  If we would just start there... with ourselves, then we could become affective at doing the very thing that needs to be done. 

Spewing hatred because of hatred only breeds hatred. Spewing love... sincere, Christ flowing love... breeds love no matter the hatred.  It will never be perfect.  We will always encounter ignorant people of all races and nationality because many will not walk in the love of Jesus.  But we don't have to join in.  That is the ultimate truth.

We have a choice.  I choose love.  I am a white, middle class woman... and I choose love.  Because love chose me.

I will pray for the family of Trayvon Martin.  I will pray for the family of George Zimmerman.  And I will pray for love.

Because love chose me!

Robin

Aggravated...Enough!

One of the most frustrating things to me is feeling aggravated... especially when I am trying NOT to feel aggravated.  Yesterday was one of those days... and it lasted all day long.  All. Day.  Long.

The day started well.  Up and at 'em for church.  It's always good to sit in church and sing to the Lord and hear His word.  Even on the days I just don't want to go because I feel... aggravated... God does something to my heart.

But never fear... Satan is always, always lurking just around the corner, waiting for that weak point.  It's like a bully that stands over you and pokes at your chest with his pointer finger.  First time, it's not a big deal.  Second, then third time becomes a bit annoying, but after many pokes you feel a rise of anger and a twinge of pain.  That was Satan in my life yesterday. 

Ticked me off. 

We went and bought some things we needed from Lowes and I stocked up on some new flowers.  I love flowers and I love planting.  It is great therapy for me to dig around and make something 'blah' look better with color.  I was excited to come home and dig. 

But as great as the digging was, it seemed every idea I had of how I wanted it to look, ran into obstacles.  I would run into a huge tree root (still not used to that as we had so few trees out in the country back home) and it would be too big to cut without damaging the tree.. or I would hit a large rock or... or ... or....  Nothing was "just planted" yesterday. 

And it was humid.  WAY humid and sweat would run into my eyes and burn like fire.  I would have to stop, squeeze my eyes, then wipe and wipe and wipe. It wasn't raining, but I was as wet as if it was, only I was hot and my eyes burned.  Grrr....

Then, of  course I had to have many "freak outs" because there was this huge bee... HUGE BEE... like the size of an SUV... that kept taunting me.  It was like he knew I was afraid of him, so he kept dive bombing my area and I would have to take off like a crazed woman.  (I am allergic to the things, but honestly, allergic or not, this sucker was huge and any normal person would have ran, I promise!) I realize this is nothing new, as I run from them often.  But it doesn't mean it gets easier, people!

So aggravating.

Eventually I had the color splashes in place and felt accomplished and pleased with the results.  I wanted more of course, but for that day it was enough to feel a little of the therapeutic results of the sweat and tears (not meant just as a metaphor.  Literal.).  I stood back and took a deep breath and smiled... until the darn bee came at me, of course.

Next for my therapy day,  was to tackle an outdoor habitat for these red-eared slider turtles my "wanna be marine biologist" daughter just had to have.  They started small and have grown quickly over the past year.  I don't want an even larger tank inside the house, so the alternative is to begin to prepare an outdoor haven for them.  I would give them away but... oh who am I kidding? I am just as bad as her and feel this dedication to care for what I chose to allow into my life as a pet. 

Everything I had in mind soon began to turn into something more difficult than my "simple plan" and of course, that results in more money than my "cheap plan".  I literally wasted about 4 hours and ended up back at square one.  (except for the "better plan" and "more expensive plan" is now in place.)

So aggravating.

Most of all, I was aggravated by my thoughts in what is usually my time of finding an escape from the things that weigh me down.  I felt the daunting heaviness of our current circumstances just swirling in my head and heart the entire time.  And it made me so mad. 

I am spending a lot of time really focused on enjoying the day-to-day this summer. The rawness of our circumstances fully exist, but each day I experience a little growth in my faith walk in this.  But it's a grief journey and it's hard so it takes purpose and focus.  Cooperation from inside isn't always easy and doggone if I didn't find it most difficult in my efforts yesterday.

So. Aggravating!

Finally last night, I sat down in a fold out chair next to the failed turtle project with the new plan and felt grouchy.  I was grouchy that it didn't bother my husband like it did me.  I was grouchy because I had thought I was done with the indoor turtle tank clean up... which is a PAIN.  I was grouchy because we didn't get a ton of rain like predicted.  (I really kind of wanted to work in the rain.  It sounded glorious.)  I was grouchy because I had ice cream and that isn't on my eating-healthy-intentions plan (yes, I know I had a choice.  But the darn bee made me weak!).  I was just grouchy.

And that was so aggravating.

 So I sat... and sat... and sat... and sat.  The more I just sat, the more relaxed I found myself.  I  started watching this bird... that had been aggravating me because she is sitting on my car door all the time and pecking at the mirror.  She leaves poop on the window and it just... you guessed it... aggravates me.  I found I was less aggravated about it because it became comical. That bird is actually more aggravated than I am because she can't make that other bird (her reflection) leave.  I watched several planes fly over and found my thoughts amazed that we don't have more crashes than we do.  It's amazing those heavy, huge things stay in the sky and we don't have more human error such as the crash in San Fransico (of which I am praying for all of those affected, especially the two lost lives).  I began to try to see to the tops of trees (not easy because I am half blind) and was mesmerized by the skill of the crafted bird nests housed in such an impossible place.

Before too long, my grouchy felt less and my appreciation felt more.

Then I was drawn back to the sermon that morning.  The focus on what exactly does it mean to keep the Sabbath holy.  Our lead youth pastor preached and did a great job.  Our family is actually pretty good at keeping the Sabbath in many ways, but the one thing I fail to do enough, hit me dead in the face again as I sat in that chair.  God has been speaking it to me my whole life.  I wrote of it last week.  It was in the sermon yesterday morning.  And it hit me between the eyes again last night.

BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD.

I was most content when I wasn't doing anything.  The other activities were still within my Sabbath day of rest because I enjoy them.  I do.  I love to plant.  I love to create. I love to make progress in things that will better our home and lives in a peaceful way.  But yesterday and this season right now is about being still.  I should have stopped and sat in that chair way sooner than I did. 

Sometimes even the things God has given to me for my enjoyment become the things I use to escape what I need to do most... BE STILL.  Just. be. still.

It's not about the morning devotion.  It's not about the nighttime family prayers and bible time.  It is, but not as the "fix".  It's not even about the sermons that are always so tailor-made for me.  It's about the immediate recognition every single time Satan pokes me in the chest that I must...MUST stop.  I must immediately be still before my God and ponder Him.. His ways... His plans... His love... His wisdom... I love Him.  He loves me more.

When I do that, the reality of my hurts and fears of all that is taking place are seen for what they are. They aren't buried or ran from.  They are exposed.... again... and suddenly, the things that were REALLY at the core of my aggravations are realized and they lose their choking grip.
 

God.  He IS enough.

Blessings,

Robin

Lonely

Its rare in life that I feel truly lonely.  I am a very social person and I am usually in a place where I am sharing life with people of all ages and loneliness doesn't settle intoo much.  This year has been a bit different.  The third year since our move and it seems to have really opened up the reality that we are here. It's a good life here and God has blessed us, but we miss what we had too because it was richly blessed...  even in the tragedies and trials. 

Through this current situation we are walking through (okay crawling through), I can say I have felt lonely. I miss even more those that have been there for us (and us for them) through thick and thin. It's like this situation has really highlighted some realities that I knew were there, but wasn't focusing on.  But when things get increasingly more difficult, and your heart is hurting on a deep level because of something you can't avoid, yet would never want to deal with, everything seems to rise to the surface.  Part of it becomes more clear and other things can get clouded.  Emotions have strange, strange effects. 

I don't like the feeling of lonely.  When I start to struggle in it, I start to question things that otherwise, I would be peaceful about.  Things that I know have been prayed about and are covered in God's will and grace, in loneliness, can get a second, even third look, because emotions are rolling.  So in those times, I go back to the thing I know to be my best resource in these times... God's word.  And always, I find it isn't long until God is refreshing me (or chastising me) with His truth.  This is what He gave me today, just after a melt down of sorrow. 

Jesus said in Matt 18:19-20   Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.  For where two or three gather in my name, there I am with them.  Look at that last part very carefully, ... there I am with them.  Jesus is promising He is WITH them (us).  Then in Hebrews 13:1-2  we are told, Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters.  Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it."  In verse 5 it says, "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you." So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.  What can mere mortals do to me?"  Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you.  Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith.  Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. 

Today, my emotions are high and my loneliness feels real, but what is more real is the promises I found in His word.   They are always there and they are always unchanging.  I am NOT alone.  I am NOT isolated.  Jesus Christ Himself is WITH me!  No matter how bad I feel, He is WITH me.  Loneliness is a place where Satan attacks us and tries to remove us from the love and support of others.  I have to work diligently not to listen to the lies of Satan and hold to the promises of Jesus... the truth-teller.  He is WITH me.  His last words spoken to His disciples were, "I am with you always, even to the end of the age."  Matt. 28:20.  Those are words to hold to... CLING to... when I am in a situation that no one can possibly understand. Spiritual reality is my hope... not my emotions that are raging on any given day in this tragic journey.  And it is the same spiritual reality that led me through the grief of the illness and death of Eathan.  It is the same.  God's word, proven true. 

And when we remember that and start leaning in on it even when we don't feel like it... AT ALL.... God does what He does... He shows up.  Today was no different.  God showed up.  And it was remarkable.

I ran an errand and went into a location to pick something up.  It turned out  one person and I was in this place alone.  I noticed a picture of a younger man in his military attire in front of the flag and I asked, "Is that your son?"  She looked up with pride and said, "Yes, that's my oldest." Because I know what is just around the corner for us I asked, "How hard is it to have him in the military?" A conversation erupted and it was an hour later before I left that place.  And I was overwhelmed.

You see, God ordained that encournter and by strategically allowing that picture to be there, and my question to surface, a door was opened for ministry.  That woman was far more lonely than me and her circumstances were quite tragic.  I will not share the details of her story, but I can tell you she was hurting on a level that was instantly apparent.  I don't even really know how the conversation went from my question to the sharing she did, but I know it was God-ordained.  She misses her son terribly, but was so encouraging that it was the most content he has ever been in life.  I needed to hear that.  And then as she shared what she did, I was able to listen from a heart of understanding and share with her some of the things I have learned along the road of painful experiences.  I was able to share with her where it is my hope comes from and talk to her from a place of knowing it may not ever get easier this side of heaven, but that I know for sure, it is temporary because only the eternal lasts forever.  The rest eventually passes away... including and most importantly... our pain. 

She cried a lot.  A LOT.  I cried with her.  And we talked.  After an hour, another car pulled up and I said, "I will check back again soon and until then, I will be praying for you so much."  She wiped her tears and said, "Wow.  I have never unloaded on someone like that before.  How did that even happen?  Forgive me."  I asked her to please not apologize because I knew I was supposed to be there and that as strange as it sounded, I had been encouraged.  I told her I was in deep struggle and was feeling very lonely today for both me and my family, and that I had needed our conversation as much as she did.  Funny, it was after all of this that she stuck out her hand, smiled, and said, "I'm _______."  We had shared hearts as if we were deeply connected and only after that did I even know her name.

I thought of the scripture again in Hebrews 13:1-2 about showing hospitality for it could be an angel.  As I walked out of that place I thought, "Lord, was that an angel?"  Not because she was amazing or so spiritual, but because she had given me the opportunity to focus outside my own difficulties and I found such blessing in the midst.  God ordained that.  My prayer is somehow she was encouraged.  My praise is that I certainly was.

It made me think of how many times I had those God-encounters with Eathan's life and journey.  So many times, God orchestrated these amazing situations to play out with people where I was left with zero doubt that God had been in the midst.  It's what made the horrific experience of watching him die somehow beautiful.  And it is what has made the situation we are currently in, so much less beautiful.  It has just seemed so ugly and dark.  Satan has been so... well... in our face.  I hate it.   God has given us His touch, like the things I have blogged on, but today I really felt like our "ugly" made me ready to listen to her in her pain.  Because I was feeling so isolated and sad, I was tender to her in a way I might not have been otherwise. 

I have cried off and on all day.  Some days are just like that.  And it seems to more I work at finding our next "new normal" right now, the more intense some things become.  But God proved... He owes me no more proof.  He proved it all through His son's sacrifice... and yet He loves me so much that He proved AGAIN.... He is WITH me. 

I love Him.

I hope your Saturday is roaring with giggles and sunshine.  But in case it's not and like me, you have felt the rainclouds of your soul screaming out, I hope that somehow you can be encouraged by this blog.  We. Are. NOT. Alone.  Satan... your lies are  exposed again.

Robin

When nothing else makes sense..

A friend posted on my face book that she thought it was about time for a blog.  That made me smile.  It's funny, I could write something on here every single day.  I really could.  It is such an outlet for me.  So therapeutic and it brings such a heightened awareness to me in the things God leads me to write about.  But the thing I know, is when I start, it is rarely short.  To write that much every day would surely chase most of you off.  Who has time (or desire) to really sort through my daily mind and heart ramblings?  I try to really only write when I know that God is really working something out in me or around me. 

I have waited all week to write about what I am about to share, simply because it has been such a point of personal, private praise in a season when I so needed it.  I have sort of held onto it and cherished a bit.  I have felt the urge to write all week, but kept waiting.  Last night, the nudge from my friend made me smile because I knew it was time to sit and put my thoughts out there and see where God takes me as I do. 

Before I jump right into that, I know many of you are reading right now, in hopes of further understanding for where things are with our situation.  Unfortunately, that remains a point of quietness.  I am not able to share much of anything at this time.  What I can tell you is that we remain in a deep struggle with much left to face.  Our lives have been turned upside down and our goal right now is to find another "new normal" as we have done through our tragedies before, while we walk through the things that are in our path.  We have a long, painful road to travel. 

I am so thankful for the written truth of Jesus the night in the garden before the betrayal he was soon to face that led to his torture and ultimate death on the cross.  How precious it is to me right now to know that I am ok when I say "God please, if there is any way, take this from us."  It isn't a lack of faith.  It is just raw honesty.  And Jesus did it.  God in flesh, knowing what was about to occur, petitioned God and said, "Abba, Father,” he said,
“everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.” (Mark 14:36 NIV). God in flesh asked for another way, but accepted God's will as the ultimate necessity. 

I am trying to follow His example.  I trust God.  I hate this journey right now.  And I am asking for relief.  But, I know God personally and have been through enough with Him, to know that His will is better than my wants for the ultimate ending of GOOD.  So... we wait... we hope... we trust... and yes, believe me, we cry out.  And then we say, HOLY!

And then we watch for Him.  Every day, especially in our sorrow and discouragements, we are watching for Him.  It's our "pick-me-ups".  And Sunday, I saw Him and it was beautiful.  It touched my heart so deeply.  I haven't shared with anyone just yet, how deeply.  So, thanks to my friend, tonight is the night!

Sunday morning, I was struggling.  My stomach has been all messed up.  I have a weird stomach anyway, but sometimes it just really acts up.  In the night Saturday, it began to give me fits and I was still dealing with it on Sunday morning.  I didn't make it to our bible study class.  That always bums me out.  I love our discussions in there.  But, my son was a part of the youth camp reflections service that morning and it is always such a special time so I was determined to make it to the 11:00 service.  I am so glad I didn't let the stomach war decide.  I am so glad... because I am so blessed.

The service was sweet.  We saw highlights from the both the High School and Junior High camps. We heard powerful testimonies of what God had done.  And we heard some of the message that God laid on them while they were at camp.  I watched my son worship and then I bowed my head as he led our congregation in prayer.  That alone was enough.  I was blessed. 

But God had just begun.

To keep from dragging this out too much, I will get to the point.  God moved that morning and one of my friend's son was baptized.  I was thrilled and blessed to be a part of seeing him be so excited and ready.  I watched as he and his mom prayed and then he smiled ear to ear as he headed out to the outdoor baptism.  It is always such a celebration to see a younger kiddo (he will be in 6th grade) come to Christ. 

But it gets even sweeter.

I was totally humbled to watch a woman that had to be either in her 90's or mighty close to it, slowly and shakily make her way to the baptismal waters.  I was overcome with emotion as I watched her slowly shuffle her feet, painfully and with three men helping her, climb the short stairs up to the water, then very unsteadily make her way down into the waters. 

This woman blessed me more than she will ever know.  I was overwhelmed.  She stood there with this precious, tender stare as she looked into our pastor's eyes and I was overcome with the emotion as I watched such an amazing testament of surrender.  After it was over, I looked at another friend that was there and she summed up my thoughts perfectly.  She said, "talk about obedience".  Kim nailed it in those three simple words.  Talk about obedience.

Here is the woman preparing to be baptized... reminder: it is blurred because I don't have permission to share and want to be mindful and respectful...

As I have replayed that morning in my mind, I have been so touched and so convicted all at the same time.  I witnessed God move in the heart of the very young and I watched God move in the heart of the very old.  Both of them surrendered joyfully to openly proclaiming Him as their God and let nothing stand in their way.  And the joy in their obedience melted away any difference in age, as this ageless existence was found in that joy.  I want so much to be like Jesus, at his most desperate moment of crying out to God, "Abba, if there is any other way...." (my paraphrase).... and yet, He joyfully obeyed.  He wasn't joyful at the pain, but he was joyful to do the Lord's will.

I want to be like Jesus.  And I know that if I will just be like Jack and this sweet, sweet woman, I too will face very fear, every obstacle, with anticipation of what IS to come.  My goodness, God met me more at the baptismal waters then possibly anyone else because He had me ready to hear... for He has allowed me to need to cry out.  Isn't He amazing? 

That's how it is with God.  Through all the many things my husband and I have been through together we have come to see and know so personally, God truly prepares the way.  As long as we trust and lean into Him, He works out what we need so that when the time comes for Him to speak, we are primed and prepared to hear and know that He is ever near.  Man, I love Him!

I stated on my FB this morning, When you are hurting and all that is left is hope in Jesus, right then, peace that shouldn't be... is.  That's how I have felt this week.  That's how I have felt many times.  When I found out I lost my baby and had a cancerous tumor... I felt it.  When my son was burned... I felt it.  When my precious Tuffy fell terminally ill... I felt it.  When... when... when.... and right now.... I feel it.

It doesn't make the road easy and I can't pretend I don't gripe and cry and feel some major anger along the way.  Boy, I do.   But God is so gracious and loving and it is right in the middle of a "MY SEWER BACKED UP, MY YOUNGEST DAUGHTER IS RUNNING A HIGH FEVER, NOW I HAVE A TUMMY ISSUE, AND I AM FEELING VERY ANGRY ABOUT THE ONGOING HURT WITH ALL THAT IS HAPPENING" tantrum, when God smiles on me and gives me something beautiful that shows me. "Robin, when all there is left is hope in Jesus, peace that shouldn't be found...is." 

And He is right.

My prayer is that you know Him.  I cannot imagine trying to make it through life on my own.  And I cannot imagine any of you, with whatever you are facing, having to try to get through it alone either.  If you don't know what it is that is getting me through, please, contact me.  I want to share.  He is real.  He really is real.  And when nothing else makes sense, He does. 

Feeling peace in all the storms...

Robin

  

Before I

Even with dirt in my teeth....

I had a really tough night last night.  Details and reasons are less, but the fact is I was really struggling.  I am typically a person that loves to laugh and have fun.  I love to talk and share life in a big way, whether with my own little family at home, or with others God has brought into my life.  I had a great lunch yesterday with some precious people, but then it went downhill from there.  Reality just bites hard sometimes.  This season we are in bites hard.  So by last night, after more awareness of what we are really dealing with right now, I was not in a good place. 

God is so sweet.  He knew in His perfect timing, that we would need what He has given us through Seth being at Beach Retreat this week.  He knew for Seth, but He knew for us.  Each night, the awesome tech team, sets up a wonderful live feed and we get to sit in front of the computer and share in worship with the over 2100 kids from our church that is there.  Did you hear me?  TWENTY ONE HUNDRED!  God blew everyone away with the most kids ever to attend our church's camp for high schoolers.  Amazing.  JHigh will go next week, but I haven't heard their numbers yet.  I have a feeling they will have a huge amount too.  It's like God is just drawing kids to Him right now.  They promoted camp like any church would, but the draw of kids just came.  Kids are realizing they need God!  It is awesome.  So each night they are there, we are given an inside view of what is happening as they all gather in one room to share in worship and hearing of God's greatness and plans for their lives.  So right smack in the middle of my hard night, I was surrounded in beautiful worship that bridged the gap between Orange Beach Alabama and Houston.  My only complaint is that it didn't last long enough!

But then, I am not going to lie.  As soon as it was over... and I do mean as soon as it ended... I was struggling again.  Sometimes, even in beautiful worship, the realities stick around.  It isn't that God failed to erase them or that I didn't worship enough.  It goes back to that reality that God speaks of in scripture, "“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble....How the verse ends is the best part... "But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33.  My reality is even while I worship my Father, I am in the world, and therefore, I already know because He told me, I will have trouble.  So to walk away from a sweet time of worship with my son at his camp, doesn't mean the troubles went away.  It just meant the hope remains for the rest of what God was saying... HE HAS OVERCOME THE WORLD.  So in the middle of my downright bad day, God whispers... Hold on.  I HAVE overcome this too.  But... I will be honest.  I wasn't in a good place, even knowing that.  I fitted and fussed and walked around my little neighborhood just trying to breath. 

I finally settled in to accepting I couldn't "walk it off" last night so I went to bed.  Sometime into watching recordings on the DVR, I found sleep.  And I slept hard.  When I woke this morning to get my youngest ready for VBS, the cloud was still hanging, but it wasn't so thick.  I got her off to VBS and then read a message from a friend.  When I was writing her back, I found myself smiling about something that I didn't really even know I was going to dwell on so much.  It felt good to dwell on it, so much so that I decided it was worth more attention... and what better way than to blog. 

The wedding rings.  I haven't shared much about that side of things. I have been so sad that those would be the things that disappeared in this mess.  We didn't get Todd's back, but we got mine, though some of the diamonds were missing.  It has been a source of sadness.  I have very few true earthly treasures that I really feel is irreplaceable, but my wedding set is definitely one of them.  I've just been sick about them.  They haven't been the main focus in all the trauma, obviously, but still a source of sadness. 

This morning, when I was writing my friend back, I shared about the joy of those rings.  It's been a long time since I really focused on that amazing time in my life... young love.  Today, instead of spending more time blogging about the other things.  I want to share with you the story of my man and his amazing way of pledging his love.  What a fun thing to do in the middle of a very hard storm.  WARNING:  It could get mushy-gushy!  Read at your own sappy risk!

Todd and I fell in love simply, softly, and almost without notice.  We became friends my freshman year in college.  His friend was tutoring my friend.  I was be-bopping around taking pictures (yes, some things never change) and I snapped his picture when I popped in my friend's room.  I remember thinking, "He's a cutie".  But then I moved on.  A couple of weeks later, I saw him and went up to him.  I said, "I have a picture of you!" and that was the beginning.  Neither of us knew it for a long time, but that was the beginning.

He was dating someone else, I was dating someone else, but neither of us were in serious relationships.  We were just having fun, each of us dating people that were really more just our friends that we spent time with.  We would see each other from time to time, but nothing was evolving.  Until summer.  Both of us were free as birds when summer came and we started hanging out.  I loved being with Todd and his friends.  We just had fun.  We laughed a lot.  We did things I loved to do... we danced, we rode dirt bikes, we went to the lake.  We laughed... a lot.  We didn't date.  I didn't even have a clue I might be interested in him that way.  I just grew to love him as one of my most favorite people on earth. We talked all the time, sometimes into the wee hours of the morning on the phone, after having been hanging out a lot during the day. It was just so easy. I wasn't interested in getting into a deep relationship with anyone.  I was enjoying college and enjoying being free.  I was very focused on getting through college with a plan for at least a masters degree before I settled down.  But I had all the room in the world for friends and fun. 

In March of my sophomore year, we were still hanging out all the time.  On March 29th, which just happened to be his birthday, we went riding dirt bikes at the river.  We rode and rode.  I had dirt on every inch of my body... including caked in my teeth.  As the day was winding down, Todd asked if I wanted to go to dinner and a movie.  I agreed easily and we headed back from the river.  Somewhere between the river and my apartment, it hit me.  Todd didn't say anything about "everyone" going to dinner and a movie.  I realized this was not the typical Todd invite.  This was... dun..dun...dunnnn.... a DATE!  I freaked.  What in the world was he thinking?  We were friends! (He asked me out when I had dirt in my teeth.  That should have been a clue that this was good!) Suddenly I was dreading the night.  And... I couldn't find a THING to wear.  (That should have been another clue to me... but I missed it.  I was too busy freaking.)

Long story a little shorter, he picked me up, we were as awkward as could be all the way to the restaurant.  A situation occurred at the restaurant and I was ultra impressed with the natural way he stepped in and privately fixed what potentially would have been a very hurtful situation for a waitress. And I found myself thinking, "WHAT ARE THESE BUTTERFLIES ABOUT IN MY STOMACH?"  We talked a little more at ease, but still were struggling.  The thing that cured the awkward.... Todd fell up the stairs going in.. and down them leaving.  Anyone that knows me, knows one of my favorite things in life is to see a good fall (I don't want people hurt, but man falls are funny!)  I laughed all the way to the movies.  During the movies.  After the movies!  And by the time we were on our way to him taking me home, we were back to our fun-loving selves, only we were looking at each other differently. 

From there we were best friends that realized that we had already fallen in love.  The friendship we built was our courtship and we didn't even know it.  After that, we were just at ease.  It was clear so quickly after that, he was was the "one."  A year into dating, two years into the friendship, we knew we would be married.  We talked about our dreams together and we knew those dreams belonged together.  We talked marriage, but we had never looked at rings or the such, so I was no where near expecting a proposal anytime soon.  We passed our one year dating mark, were truly in young, but real love, and I knew life was good. 

But on April 7th (which by the way became the day God finally gave me my first child... post cancer... to be born from my own womb!  Isn't God's timing so cool?) it all changed.  Todd came to my apartment (the proposal night details will have to be for a different time) and in his nervousness of what he was about to surprise me with, I heard something drop on my kitchen floor.  Ding, ding, ching... I whirled around, as if it was so normal to recognize the sound of diamonds hitting the floor, and I suddenly knew what was about to happen!  He had this whole other plan of how to ask, but because he was nervously fiddling with the ring in his pocket and dropped it I knew right then, so he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.  I will never forget that moment. Ever.  He slipped the ring on and I said yes with more assurance than anything I had ever said yes to before except when I ran down the church isle at 9 to say yes to Jesus that beautiful Sunday morning. 

I found out later that Todd had been so precious in his planning.  He had gone to my parents, not once but twice (my dad was out of town on business the first time.  Can you imagine the stress that brought?) and had received their blessing for my hand in marriage.  He had shopped for the beautiful rings all on his own... no input from me at all.  He had planned the proposal.  The works.  Slipping the ring on my finger was the start of a beautiful life.  I haven't regretted it a single day.  Even when he is being... well... a MAN! :)  We were 21, young, but more ready for each other than we even knew at the time.  God had selected him for me and me for him when He created us, and He gave us the joy of finding each other young.  And He knew how much we were going to need each other and that foundation of friendship that begin before the realization of love kicked in. 

My wedding day, Todd looked at me when he slipped those rings onto my finger and made his pledges to me, and I knew then and haven't doubted it since, it was forever.  Those rings truly represent the beautiful gift I have been given in my husband.  He has been there for me and I for him, through so much... including now.  And those rings have been the outward symbol of what is ordained in heaven.  I truly cherish them.

It is very hard to know they are damaged.  It is painful.  But by focusing today on the reason they are so special, I am rejuvenated by the solidity of the marriage I have been given.  We can be stripped away of so much in the earthly sense, but again right now I am reminded, Satan can't get to the the things ordained from above.  Todd and I don't have a perfect marriage, but we have a perfect God in charge of us in our marriage and that means we really can make it through... even if, like my wedding rings, we are a bit beat up along the way.

So, I don't know if you have a love story.  Or if all you feel is beat up in whatever your journey is.  But please remember, earthly tarnish is really just refinement of the beautifully eternals.... so let's take heart. 

I will close with a scripture that I love...

But now, this is what the Lord says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
² When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
³ For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; 
What hope!

Robin

Holding Fast in the storm this Memorial Day...

Fourth day now...A third sunset with no word with a fourth night on the horizon...No trace...No direction to follow.  Four days of the total unknown since our teen daughter again ran. I am sitting here because I have nothing else I know to do and the idle time is making my mind race. As I begin to prepare for another night of attempting to sleep and yet finding myself sitting straight up in bed at every night sound, wondering if it's her... has she decided to come home...I stare out the window and my mind wanders.  Somehow, even when I am hoping, I know.  If I know anything right now, I know that she will not show up in the night.  She might break down and call, but she won't come.  It's been too long.  She has gone too far this time, especially with stealing our wedding rings.  Her pride and her fear will keep her away.  And yet  I know, the coming night noises will again unsettle my attempt of sleep because as a mom, I have to hope that just maybe....

But since I am in a place of total wait, total blind faith, total human helplessness, I have to find something to do... and what better to do that to blog my thoughts right in the midst.  God is always working.  Always speaking... even in the deafening silence. I have found myself almost paralyzed at different points over the last few days, just trying to listen for His still small voice, fearful to miss it because it is all we have to hang on to right now. 

This morning I  lay in bed thinking of many things before I even really started the day.  I lay there and thought first of the fact that it is Memorial Day.  A day to honor the fallen heroes that make my life as blessed as it is.  Such a rush of emotions.  I am thankful for my dad who served and I am overwhelmed with joy to report my oldest son has recently made the decision to enlist full time rather than just the National Guard.  That makes Memorial Day even more personal.  I am truly grateful for the daily, simple blessings of the life I live because of the many sacrifices made for me by soldiers.  America is a wonderful country... with all the flaws and imperfections... I am very proud... and humbly grateful... to be an American.

And though my Tuffy was only three when he went home to Jesus, Memorial Day always holds a special place in my heart in remembering him.  He fought 18 months in the hardest physical battle and was nothing short of heroic throughout the entire thing.  His little life filled with such joy and courage, brought many wounded back to Jesus.  There is no greater war that the spiritual one so Memorial Day makes me honor my little hero.  I want so badly to be at his grave today, as I have been in the past.  It is too far and the situation at hand prevents that opportunity, but the longing in my heart to be there doesn't stop just because of distance and circumstance.  I love you Eathan!  Thanks for being such a testament to courage and strength when all odds were against you on this Earth.  I daily remember you and how you ran your race... and I am better every day because of being your mommy!  I miss you every day... but today... man I want to just sit with you a while.  I love you!

And then I listened to the carefree play of my youngest.  In the midst of a horrible storm, God blessed me with the most vivacious, larger than life, beautiful daughter to remind me that I have to seize the moment... even when things are really tough... because life is too beautiful not to live it to the fullest... no matter what is happening.  I am so rejuvenated by her smile and her laughter.  She knows her sister is gone and she knows things are not as they should be and she prays such tender prayers for her safety.  But in her child-like faith, she goes on with her day in a way that demonstrates faith lived out, that God has this.  It is overwhelming to me and brings me such hope and joy.  I could listen to her all day long. 

 And my 15 year old son.... my first born, biological child that was my first answer to prayer from my cries to my father for a child.  I will never forget losing my first child at 14 weeks gestation and finding I had a cancerous tumor growing and wondering if I would every experience the joy of carrying another child and experiencing child birth.  I was prepared for however God chose to bless me with a child, but when He gave me this baby in my womb, and then I first held him, I felt like somehow I understood more the story of Abraham and Sarah.  No, I didn't have to wait even a touch as long, and I wasn't old and grey when word came that I was with child.  But when you yearn to be a mommy and don't know how that will come to be, every day feels like an eternity.  Today, after 15 years, I haven't stopped being thankful for him.  I have not one day taken for granted the gift of YES God gave me in him.  And I haven't stopped knowing that this child was born for far more than to fulfill my desire to be a mom.  What joy he brings as I watch him, at such a young age, live his life in a spiritually mature way that is beyond anything I could have hoped.  I take no credit.  It is God's hand on his life... from before I even knew to pray for him.  He has given me such strong hugs of encouragement in this.  He could be so selfish right now about his sister.  She has been awful to him lately.  He could be angry at her and not concerned in the least that she is missing.  Many teens would be.

But instead, he prays for her and is extra attentive to me.  Yesterday I was dropping him off at a friend's house to swim.  He got out of the car, among 7 other teens, but then turned and came and got back in.  Without a single thought to them and what they were doing, he put his arm around my shoulder and said, "Are you okay?"  I smiled and said I was okay, he squeezed my shoulder and said, "Are you sure?"  He wasn't going to go swim without letting me know he was concerned for me.  He knows this is hard.  And he wants me to know he is here for me.  And he means it!  Not everyone has the blessing of a teen son that still puts their needs before his own.  I do.  It is a gift.  And it is evidence of the touch of Jesus in His life.  How precious beyond words.

And then of course my husband.  He fights through feeling bad half the time.  He works his tail off to give us a blessed life on earth.  And no matter what storm is brewing, he remains steady and unchanging.  He isn't a preacher or a bible study leader.  He isn't some radical fire setter for the Kingdom.  He is so much more. He is comforting and encouraging and just steady in his walk.  and that is the key... He just walks it.  He lives his faith out in a way that isn't showy or wordy (yes, opposites do attract as I am as wordy as they come), but that is genuine and clearly faith based from a deeply personal place inside of himself.  I lean into him and I feel safe.  That's Jesus.  And I am thankful!

And then of course my parents, my in-laws, my friends, neighbors, co-workers, church family - both prior and now.... How can I not be drawn to thoughts of those.  My goodness I am surrounded in love from so many directions.  The harder the storms fury, the more evident it becomes that I am not alone.  God is all around me, speaking love and truth to me through all of those that He has allowed into our lives. 

And then my thoughts return to Halley.  The sadness of the circumstances crash over me with hurricane force.  The reality that she rejects all the blessings God has for her life, through Him as her Savior, us as her family, and all those that desire nothing more than to love her the way they love me... love us.  I just don't understand.  I spoke a long time yesterday to a friend who had great understanding as she once was that girl.  She lives her life purely for the Lord now and that is encouragement for me so much.  I know there is hope... as my friend says... as long as she has breath in her lungs.  I hold to that.

But I confess... on this fourth day of knowing she is out there, with no leads to where, I find myself fighting the what-if's.  I see the news.  I know the realities.  I feel sick inside in a way I've never known... not through all the other storms.  This one is tough.  Very, very tough.

But I am learning and growing even still....

1. God is unchanging even when I am a mess
2.  Blind faith is a choice.  I am choosing it again
3.  Trusting God doesn't bring guarantees of my idea of answered prayers.  Again... choosing blind faith
4.  God is so good to answer other prayers in the midst of asking me to wait on answers.
 My oldest son, who has been in his own deep struggles for several years based on his pre-adoption issues, held onto me Friday night like a toddler would his mommy.  He all but melted into my skin.  After a long while he said, "Mom, thanks for not quitting me.  Family is EVERYTHING."  When my world was in total chaos, God gave me those words through my son... that could not have come at a better moment in time. 
5.  God opens doors when others close. 
6.  There is always hope
7. Remembering where we have been gives us strength to face wherever God is allowing us to go.
8.  Remembering yet again, through the reminder of a friend, Satan can't do ANYTHING without God's permission.'
9.  Laughter is good no matter how bad things are.
10. Prayers over us from the faithful, are a blanket of peace in tumultuous times.

I don't know when Halley will be home... or if she will.  I am not speaking words of death... I am speaking truth.  I don't know.  I don't know what will happen if she isn't found... or if she is.  And I don't know how I will make it through each and every day in this thing we are in right now.  But what I do know... God knows.... and I am clinging to Him as the only sure thing I have. 

Here is Halley.  Pray for her.  Watch for her.  She is loved unconditionally.  Even when we don't like what she has done... we love her.  We claim our family verse so strongly over her right now... Jeremiah 29:11-13.  God... be with her and fulfill YOUR plans for her life

Holding fast....


Robin

WORTH THE WAIT!

You know those moments in time where you just get chills because you know without a doubt, God has placed someone right smack in the middle of your path... in the most unexpected way... to answer prayers in ways you never could have dreamed?  Well, I had one of those moments today and I honestly believe my life will never be the same again. 

I am overwhelmed with the answer to prayer that arrived this morning and I am celebrating so far down in my soul that I can almost taste heaven tonight!  God is up to something amazing and today He loved me right where I was so much that He wanted to give me a hint! 

Not sure where you are tonight.  Not sure if you are losing hope in something you have been praying for in faith for a long time... but I can testify yet again... God's plan is hands down, without a doubt WORTH THE WAIT!  You hang in there and watch him boggle your mind.

Tomorrow, a sweet friend faces a hard day as their precious loved one is laid to rest far too young.  As a friend quoted on facebook this week.... one of those moments where the period comes in the middle of the sentence.  My heart aches for them and the difficult road ahead. 

But today, while they are in the middle of their deepest grief... a grief I do not know on their level, but remain all too familiar with on my level... right in the middle of that.... God shakes things up and sets a course on fire for His glory. 

We don't understand the loss.  Mark's children will forever wonder why their daddy had to leave earth so soon.  His wife will have many painfully lonely nights where her heart hurts so bad she will be sure it might explode.  His mom and dad and sister will never fill the void of his absence where his presence has always been.  But.  Still.  Even so.  God's glory is still showing up.  And somehow as I hurt so deeply for what they cannot begin to fathom... what I still struggle with understanding when those waves of emotions hit me out of nowhere and I just want to hold my son, smell his smells, squeeze his chubby little arms, and kiss him until he belly laughs...I find hope in the fact that His glory even still shows up. 

Tomorrow I will wake up hurting for the pain they are enduring.  And I will wake up with goose bumps all over again when my thoughts return to what God has begun today.  And when the sadness and joy collide into an explosion of emotions that cannot be explained, I will simply remember... God's glory will somehow show up.  Always has.  Always will.

I am blessed.  Whether you know it or not you are too.  God plays no favorites.  His son died for us all so that we all might live.  I am jumping on and staying on that cool ride.  Come on!  Go with me!  No matter where you are in joy or pain or somewhere in between.  Because from whatever view we are looking... mountain top or darkest valley... God is one glorious sight to behold. 

And He loves you.

Robin

Balance

Balance is such a tricky thing.  Look at a little child trying to learn to walk the curb... one little tilt and off they go.  Look at a professional tight rope walker. He has to hold the pole just so or down he tumbles to the safety net below. Or even more obvious, look at a person trying to handle life on their own, apart from Christ.  They walk such unsteady and shakey steps trying not to lean too far one way or another, all the while in a dangerous riskof which way they might go wrong.  But it isn't just those without Christ is it?  There is a balance for all of us and even as Christians, we can lose sight of what we are purposed on this earth for and suddenly find ourselves in a tailspin.  Every day is a journey.  Every day a choice.  Every day an opportunity to be balanced by the One who knows the perfect balance, or step into the danger zone.  Every single day.

Today, I had many emotions.  I know... it is shocking that I had emotions.  And I am sure it will be found just as "surprising" that it was from something beautiful I observed that demonstrated love from one to another, right?  Sure, Robin.... totally "surprising".  But I did have emotions and they have crept back in all day long.  I find it so interesting how God replays things that touch me like a live feed in my brain.  It is as if He is giving me the time to process over and over the taste of His love.  I am so grateful for that.  So many people don't feel things the way I do.  At times I do envy them, because sometimes it is hard to always feel so much and so deep.  But on days like today, I remain forever grateful that God allowed me to carry the gift of mercy and compassion because my soul is awakened to things that keep me looking HOME.

And while I was dealing with those emotions from this experience God allowed me to experience, I found myself back in that place of asking myself... "Who is going to balance things today?  Me or God?"  I chose God.  And of course, as soon as I did, it has been one thing after another.  "Boom.  Pow!  Kabam!"  Left and right there have been things zinging my way trying to derail my focus... and my joy.  But because of where I planted my heart right off the bat this morning through that experience, somehow, the balance has remained. 

When I look back over the day, the bigger things and the smaller things, still yet that steady thread is found and I know that at the end of this day... and many, many others I can look back over... it is all too clear that were I trying to make it balance on my own, I would have flopped by 8:30 this morning.  Crystal clear.  But I didn't have to balance it.  I didn't have to do anything because early on I had committed it to Christ.  Whew!  That's what I have to say to that.

I wish I could really, really, really become like a child again in that place of not knowing there even is another way.  It is such a beautiful way to live.  My older kids have already crossed over to reality, but my youngest hasn't and my sweet Eathan never will.  He went from child-like faith to perfect faith... in the blink of an eye!  Awesome!  But even my youngest, (though I know day by day, she is getting closer and closer to that place of crossing over as well) is still existing in that place of total trust.  She has no doubt that the world is a good place and people are worth it and when something is wrong it is ALWAYS worth fixing.  I love to watch kids her age.  Even if they bicker, the next breath they are the best of friends and laughing as if there were never a problem in the world... and especially not between each other.  It is beautiful.  It is simple.  It is balanced.  It is effortless. 

But since I can't go back to that beautiful place of childhood, what I intend to keep doing is remembering at the start of the day that I CAN'T, but God CAN and because of that, I then CAN!  I know that because He says so... "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Phil 4:13... and I know that because I have lived it... today being yet another day of proof. 

I love God.  I love His power.  I love His control.  And I love that when I hurt for someone else, or when I hurt for myself, I can lean into Him and not have to try to fix a thing... because He has it.  I serve a very cool Creator and He has me!  He wants to have your back to... will you let Him?  I dare you!

Goodnight!

Robin