Proof of Grace
So there she is..... that picture of the blond, curly headed child.... she is our proof of grace. She is our miracle after the rain. Life was hard after we lost Eathan. We all did our best, but there was such a vacancy in his absence. All of us felt it. We knew nothing or no one could ever replace him and it just seemed the void would remain a black hole in our family forever.
We moved on in time, began to smile again, but somehow this looming hole was always present. We would open the cabinet and there were sippy cups that were just suddenly not needed. We couldn't seem to just get rid of them because it wasn't the right way... he didn't outgrow them, he vacated them. The carseat remained in its spot in the car. How do you decide when is the right time to determine it is okay for his spot to no longer be his? So many things that seemed to have us trapped from full recovery. People say all things heal with time. Our family is proof that time has nothing to do with it. I don't think any amount of time would have made removing that suddenly empty carseat feel right.
Then it happened! The answer came and in a way that was completely unexpected and nothing but proof that God is God and knows our needs more than we. I began having trouble. Something wasn't right. I was feeling strange and some things were off. I called my doctor so that would could discover the cause and a heartbeat was found to be the answer. A tiny life had been planted inside my womb against all odds. There is no way this child should be here accoring to man, but God is, of course, much more than man, and He breathed life into my womb.
I remember while carrying this child, feeling such strange emotions. It had only been a year and a half since we lost our son that she was discovered living away inside of me. We were still so lonesome for him and the emotions remained very strong. I was overcome with excitment and grief in new and strange ways all at once throughout the entire pregnancy. Would it be a boy? How would that feel to have a baby boy grow up behind the one I had just lost? How would I ever feel okay that the two children would never share the same air on earth. No memories of them together, no pictures to unite them as siblings. My older 3 would have the experience of both, but this child would never know Eathan. That hurt in ways I cannot express.
But the joy, the anticipation of a new life, a new wrinkled, red baby on the way, was so healing in other ways. I would lay awake at night, hand on my growing belly, and just cry with gratitude. Somehow, through the mixed emotions, I just knew this baby was the answer for our family to move forward in healing. I didn't know how. It hurt to think of it, but yet I yearned. The great thing, God knew all the answers before I ever asked and because of all we had experienced, I knew to wait and trust.
We chose to not find out if she were a boy or a girl. We had been surprised with our other four and wanted her to be no different. I remember when she was born, the doctor saying, "Now how many boys and how many girls do you have?" "Three boys and one girl," I said. "Well," the doctor said with a gleam in his eye, "Looks like this baby will help even the score." God had granted us a daughter. She is fiesty, strong-willed, and stubborn, just like her brother in heaven and yet all her own. God knew to give us a touch of our son back, but not to bring it in the way of a boy because that would be too unfair for this beautiful new life He created. She deserved to not walk in the shadow of the one loved so much, yet gone. She deserved to share in his life, but live her own.
Yes, she is proof of grace and our miracle after the rain. She has made the transitions of trading out carseats make sense. She has allowed us to be okay when the sippy cups start to disappear. And the greatest of all, because we keep Eathan so real in our family, she has no idea they never lived on earth together. She talks of her brother Eathan all the time and because of that, my sadness has disappeared over the fact that they will never walk on earth together. She knows him through the love of our woven tapestry and somehow, through Christ, he is as real to her as the rest of us and our family is now complete!
