Going Back to the Beginning.....
June 21, 2008
Tuffy - Going Back to Where it began
The day our lives changed is the day our son lept into the arms of our Savior. Yes, that is the day heaven became a yearning more than every before. Where did it begin? To know that, you must unravel the story by starting at the beginning.
It was an amazing day, when I became a mother. I am not sure one could ever express in words, the feeling that overtakes a heart, when the test says positive and a heartbeat is heard! From that moment, I was a mom! I had waited all my life to fulfill this dream and finally, the moment had arrived. In anticipation, I began to decorate, plan, prepare, and most of all dream. But not once in those days of dreaming, did it include something going wrong, terribly, terribly wrong.
I was sitting in my staff development training, preparing for the children to return from summer break in just a few days. I was anxious for the year to come, wondering how working with severely Autistic students was going to be, with a protruding belly. I loved my students and knew that somehow, the growing belly would only enhance my love for them as I began to understand them from a deeper view... one of a mother.
Time marched on and the lunch break arrived. Many teachers were going out to eat, but suddenly, I didn't feel right and decided I would go home on the break. It was at home during lunch that fateful day of August 22nd that I realized, not always do things work out as we dream. Until then, things had been perfect. I had a great childhood, wonderful parents, a college education, and was married to my best friend. Getting pregnant had taken longer than I intended, but with a little patience and time, we conceived and were well on our way to the family we desired. But suddenly, alone in our townhouse, fear began to creep into my mind, my heart, and deep into my soul.
"Surely not!" I thought. "This wasn't anything to be alarmed about. It's a first pregnancy. I am sure spotting is normal. After all, I am already starting my second trimester!" Just to be certain, I placed a call to my doctor's office. I was able to speak to the nurse. She told me I should return to work, but keep my cell phone with me and she would speak to the doctor when he returned from lunch. She assured me that spotting CAN be normal and for me to try not to worry.
I returned to work, pushing the fear as far down as I could, but somehow it continued to work its way back to the surface. About an hour later, my phone rang and it was the nurse again. She said the doctor had scheduled me for a sonogram at 4pm that afternoon so that we could simply look and be sure the baby was okay. I asked her if I should be concerned. She said, "We won't know until the sonogram, but hopefully it will just be a way to give us all peace of mind." I held onto that with my whole being until 4 pm arrived.
I held my husband's strong and assuring hand as we walked into the building that afternoon. Somehow, I just knew how important that hand was going to be in the next few minutes. I would grasp it as a reminder of strength in my ever increasing sense of danger that kept creeping into my existence.
The technician began the sonogram and I could tell by her lack of words, things weren't good. When things are good they are showing you this and showing you that. She was simply quiet. When I would ask her if things were okay she would say, "Your doctor will contact you shortly." I looked at my husband with pleading eyes, hoping to find reassurance looking back. Instead, I saw in his eyes, the same dread that I felt in my heart. His eyes were quietly filling with tears and with that I knew... our dream was ending before it ever began.
We left in quietness and awaited the call. It came within 20 minutes and a soft, yet confident voice on the other end began to share that our baby's heart was no longer beating. He spoke of options and then quietly said, "Robin, there is more. You have a tumor in your right ovary... and it is suspicious."
My brain could not take in anymore information and all I could say was, "I lost the baby? Are you sure? Could you be wrong? Can we do another test?" He assured me it was conclusive, but didn't revert back to the other statement... at least not at the time. That day, Todd and I realized, life was not always what we plan and sometimes, the pain ran deep. Little did we know that day was the beginning of many joys and sorrows in the path to parenthood and beyond, but we did know that it was only the beginning