Aggravated...Enough!

One of the most frustrating things to me is feeling aggravated... especially when I am trying NOT to feel aggravated.  Yesterday was one of those days... and it lasted all day long.  All. Day.  Long.

The day started well.  Up and at 'em for church.  It's always good to sit in church and sing to the Lord and hear His word.  Even on the days I just don't want to go because I feel... aggravated... God does something to my heart.

But never fear... Satan is always, always lurking just around the corner, waiting for that weak point.  It's like a bully that stands over you and pokes at your chest with his pointer finger.  First time, it's not a big deal.  Second, then third time becomes a bit annoying, but after many pokes you feel a rise of anger and a twinge of pain.  That was Satan in my life yesterday. 

Ticked me off. 

We went and bought some things we needed from Lowes and I stocked up on some new flowers.  I love flowers and I love planting.  It is great therapy for me to dig around and make something 'blah' look better with color.  I was excited to come home and dig. 

But as great as the digging was, it seemed every idea I had of how I wanted it to look, ran into obstacles.  I would run into a huge tree root (still not used to that as we had so few trees out in the country back home) and it would be too big to cut without damaging the tree.. or I would hit a large rock or... or ... or....  Nothing was "just planted" yesterday. 

And it was humid.  WAY humid and sweat would run into my eyes and burn like fire.  I would have to stop, squeeze my eyes, then wipe and wipe and wipe. It wasn't raining, but I was as wet as if it was, only I was hot and my eyes burned.  Grrr....

Then, of  course I had to have many "freak outs" because there was this huge bee... HUGE BEE... like the size of an SUV... that kept taunting me.  It was like he knew I was afraid of him, so he kept dive bombing my area and I would have to take off like a crazed woman.  (I am allergic to the things, but honestly, allergic or not, this sucker was huge and any normal person would have ran, I promise!) I realize this is nothing new, as I run from them often.  But it doesn't mean it gets easier, people!

So aggravating.

Eventually I had the color splashes in place and felt accomplished and pleased with the results.  I wanted more of course, but for that day it was enough to feel a little of the therapeutic results of the sweat and tears (not meant just as a metaphor.  Literal.).  I stood back and took a deep breath and smiled... until the darn bee came at me, of course.

Next for my therapy day,  was to tackle an outdoor habitat for these red-eared slider turtles my "wanna be marine biologist" daughter just had to have.  They started small and have grown quickly over the past year.  I don't want an even larger tank inside the house, so the alternative is to begin to prepare an outdoor haven for them.  I would give them away but... oh who am I kidding? I am just as bad as her and feel this dedication to care for what I chose to allow into my life as a pet. 

Everything I had in mind soon began to turn into something more difficult than my "simple plan" and of course, that results in more money than my "cheap plan".  I literally wasted about 4 hours and ended up back at square one.  (except for the "better plan" and "more expensive plan" is now in place.)

So aggravating.

Most of all, I was aggravated by my thoughts in what is usually my time of finding an escape from the things that weigh me down.  I felt the daunting heaviness of our current circumstances just swirling in my head and heart the entire time.  And it made me so mad. 

I am spending a lot of time really focused on enjoying the day-to-day this summer. The rawness of our circumstances fully exist, but each day I experience a little growth in my faith walk in this.  But it's a grief journey and it's hard so it takes purpose and focus.  Cooperation from inside isn't always easy and doggone if I didn't find it most difficult in my efforts yesterday.

So. Aggravating!

Finally last night, I sat down in a fold out chair next to the failed turtle project with the new plan and felt grouchy.  I was grouchy that it didn't bother my husband like it did me.  I was grouchy because I had thought I was done with the indoor turtle tank clean up... which is a PAIN.  I was grouchy because we didn't get a ton of rain like predicted.  (I really kind of wanted to work in the rain.  It sounded glorious.)  I was grouchy because I had ice cream and that isn't on my eating-healthy-intentions plan (yes, I know I had a choice.  But the darn bee made me weak!).  I was just grouchy.

And that was so aggravating.

 So I sat... and sat... and sat... and sat.  The more I just sat, the more relaxed I found myself.  I  started watching this bird... that had been aggravating me because she is sitting on my car door all the time and pecking at the mirror.  She leaves poop on the window and it just... you guessed it... aggravates me.  I found I was less aggravated about it because it became comical. That bird is actually more aggravated than I am because she can't make that other bird (her reflection) leave.  I watched several planes fly over and found my thoughts amazed that we don't have more crashes than we do.  It's amazing those heavy, huge things stay in the sky and we don't have more human error such as the crash in San Fransico (of which I am praying for all of those affected, especially the two lost lives).  I began to try to see to the tops of trees (not easy because I am half blind) and was mesmerized by the skill of the crafted bird nests housed in such an impossible place.

Before too long, my grouchy felt less and my appreciation felt more.

Then I was drawn back to the sermon that morning.  The focus on what exactly does it mean to keep the Sabbath holy.  Our lead youth pastor preached and did a great job.  Our family is actually pretty good at keeping the Sabbath in many ways, but the one thing I fail to do enough, hit me dead in the face again as I sat in that chair.  God has been speaking it to me my whole life.  I wrote of it last week.  It was in the sermon yesterday morning.  And it hit me between the eyes again last night.

BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD.

I was most content when I wasn't doing anything.  The other activities were still within my Sabbath day of rest because I enjoy them.  I do.  I love to plant.  I love to create. I love to make progress in things that will better our home and lives in a peaceful way.  But yesterday and this season right now is about being still.  I should have stopped and sat in that chair way sooner than I did. 

Sometimes even the things God has given to me for my enjoyment become the things I use to escape what I need to do most... BE STILL.  Just. be. still.

It's not about the morning devotion.  It's not about the nighttime family prayers and bible time.  It is, but not as the "fix".  It's not even about the sermons that are always so tailor-made for me.  It's about the immediate recognition every single time Satan pokes me in the chest that I must...MUST stop.  I must immediately be still before my God and ponder Him.. His ways... His plans... His love... His wisdom... I love Him.  He loves me more.

When I do that, the reality of my hurts and fears of all that is taking place are seen for what they are. They aren't buried or ran from.  They are exposed.... again... and suddenly, the things that were REALLY at the core of my aggravations are realized and they lose their choking grip.
 

God.  He IS enough.

Blessings,

Robin