Lonely

Its rare in life that I feel truly lonely.  I am a very social person and I am usually in a place where I am sharing life with people of all ages and loneliness doesn't settle intoo much.  This year has been a bit different.  The third year since our move and it seems to have really opened up the reality that we are here. It's a good life here and God has blessed us, but we miss what we had too because it was richly blessed...  even in the tragedies and trials. 

Through this current situation we are walking through (okay crawling through), I can say I have felt lonely. I miss even more those that have been there for us (and us for them) through thick and thin. It's like this situation has really highlighted some realities that I knew were there, but wasn't focusing on.  But when things get increasingly more difficult, and your heart is hurting on a deep level because of something you can't avoid, yet would never want to deal with, everything seems to rise to the surface.  Part of it becomes more clear and other things can get clouded.  Emotions have strange, strange effects. 

I don't like the feeling of lonely.  When I start to struggle in it, I start to question things that otherwise, I would be peaceful about.  Things that I know have been prayed about and are covered in God's will and grace, in loneliness, can get a second, even third look, because emotions are rolling.  So in those times, I go back to the thing I know to be my best resource in these times... God's word.  And always, I find it isn't long until God is refreshing me (or chastising me) with His truth.  This is what He gave me today, just after a melt down of sorrow. 

Jesus said in Matt 18:19-20   Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.  For where two or three gather in my name, there I am with them.  Look at that last part very carefully, ... there I am with them.  Jesus is promising He is WITH them (us).  Then in Hebrews 13:1-2  we are told, Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters.  Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it."  In verse 5 it says, "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you." So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.  What can mere mortals do to me?"  Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you.  Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith.  Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. 

Today, my emotions are high and my loneliness feels real, but what is more real is the promises I found in His word.   They are always there and they are always unchanging.  I am NOT alone.  I am NOT isolated.  Jesus Christ Himself is WITH me!  No matter how bad I feel, He is WITH me.  Loneliness is a place where Satan attacks us and tries to remove us from the love and support of others.  I have to work diligently not to listen to the lies of Satan and hold to the promises of Jesus... the truth-teller.  He is WITH me.  His last words spoken to His disciples were, "I am with you always, even to the end of the age."  Matt. 28:20.  Those are words to hold to... CLING to... when I am in a situation that no one can possibly understand. Spiritual reality is my hope... not my emotions that are raging on any given day in this tragic journey.  And it is the same spiritual reality that led me through the grief of the illness and death of Eathan.  It is the same.  God's word, proven true. 

And when we remember that and start leaning in on it even when we don't feel like it... AT ALL.... God does what He does... He shows up.  Today was no different.  God showed up.  And it was remarkable.

I ran an errand and went into a location to pick something up.  It turned out  one person and I was in this place alone.  I noticed a picture of a younger man in his military attire in front of the flag and I asked, "Is that your son?"  She looked up with pride and said, "Yes, that's my oldest." Because I know what is just around the corner for us I asked, "How hard is it to have him in the military?" A conversation erupted and it was an hour later before I left that place.  And I was overwhelmed.

You see, God ordained that encournter and by strategically allowing that picture to be there, and my question to surface, a door was opened for ministry.  That woman was far more lonely than me and her circumstances were quite tragic.  I will not share the details of her story, but I can tell you she was hurting on a level that was instantly apparent.  I don't even really know how the conversation went from my question to the sharing she did, but I know it was God-ordained.  She misses her son terribly, but was so encouraging that it was the most content he has ever been in life.  I needed to hear that.  And then as she shared what she did, I was able to listen from a heart of understanding and share with her some of the things I have learned along the road of painful experiences.  I was able to share with her where it is my hope comes from and talk to her from a place of knowing it may not ever get easier this side of heaven, but that I know for sure, it is temporary because only the eternal lasts forever.  The rest eventually passes away... including and most importantly... our pain. 

She cried a lot.  A LOT.  I cried with her.  And we talked.  After an hour, another car pulled up and I said, "I will check back again soon and until then, I will be praying for you so much."  She wiped her tears and said, "Wow.  I have never unloaded on someone like that before.  How did that even happen?  Forgive me."  I asked her to please not apologize because I knew I was supposed to be there and that as strange as it sounded, I had been encouraged.  I told her I was in deep struggle and was feeling very lonely today for both me and my family, and that I had needed our conversation as much as she did.  Funny, it was after all of this that she stuck out her hand, smiled, and said, "I'm _______."  We had shared hearts as if we were deeply connected and only after that did I even know her name.

I thought of the scripture again in Hebrews 13:1-2 about showing hospitality for it could be an angel.  As I walked out of that place I thought, "Lord, was that an angel?"  Not because she was amazing or so spiritual, but because she had given me the opportunity to focus outside my own difficulties and I found such blessing in the midst.  God ordained that.  My prayer is somehow she was encouraged.  My praise is that I certainly was.

It made me think of how many times I had those God-encounters with Eathan's life and journey.  So many times, God orchestrated these amazing situations to play out with people where I was left with zero doubt that God had been in the midst.  It's what made the horrific experience of watching him die somehow beautiful.  And it is what has made the situation we are currently in, so much less beautiful.  It has just seemed so ugly and dark.  Satan has been so... well... in our face.  I hate it.   God has given us His touch, like the things I have blogged on, but today I really felt like our "ugly" made me ready to listen to her in her pain.  Because I was feeling so isolated and sad, I was tender to her in a way I might not have been otherwise. 

I have cried off and on all day.  Some days are just like that.  And it seems to more I work at finding our next "new normal" right now, the more intense some things become.  But God proved... He owes me no more proof.  He proved it all through His son's sacrifice... and yet He loves me so much that He proved AGAIN.... He is WITH me. 

I love Him.

I hope your Saturday is roaring with giggles and sunshine.  But in case it's not and like me, you have felt the rainclouds of your soul screaming out, I hope that somehow you can be encouraged by this blog.  We. Are. NOT. Alone.  Satan... your lies are  exposed again.

Robin