Fourth day now...A third sunset with no word with a fourth night on the horizon...No trace...No direction to follow. Four days of the total unknown since our teen daughter again ran. I am sitting here because I have nothing else I know to do and the idle time is making my mind race. As I begin to prepare for another night of attempting to sleep and yet finding myself sitting straight up in bed at every night sound, wondering if it's her... has she decided to come home...I stare out the window and my mind wanders. Somehow, even when I am hoping, I know. If I know anything right now, I know that she will not show up in the night. She might break down and call, but she won't come. It's been too long. She has gone too far this time, especially with stealing our wedding rings. Her pride and her fear will keep her away. And yet I know, the coming night noises will again unsettle my attempt of sleep because as a mom, I have to hope that just maybe....
But since I am in a place of total wait, total blind faith, total human helplessness, I have to find something to do... and what better to do that to blog my thoughts right in the midst. God is always working. Always speaking... even in the deafening silence. I have found myself almost paralyzed at different points over the last few days, just trying to listen for His still small voice, fearful to miss it because it is all we have to hang on to right now.
This morning I lay in bed thinking of many things before I even really started the day. I lay there and thought first of the fact that it is Memorial Day. A day to honor the fallen heroes that make my life as blessed as it is. Such a rush of emotions. I am thankful for my dad who served and I am overwhelmed with joy to report my oldest son has recently made the decision to enlist full time rather than just the National Guard. That makes Memorial Day even more personal. I am truly grateful for the daily, simple blessings of the life I live because of the many sacrifices made for me by soldiers. America is a wonderful country... with all the flaws and imperfections... I am very proud... and humbly grateful... to be an American.
And though my Tuffy was only three when he went home to Jesus, Memorial Day always holds a special place in my heart in remembering him. He fought 18 months in the hardest physical battle and was nothing short of heroic throughout the entire thing. His little life filled with such joy and courage, brought many wounded back to Jesus. There is no greater war that the spiritual one so Memorial Day makes me honor my little hero. I want so badly to be at his grave today, as I have been in the past. It is too far and the situation at hand prevents that opportunity, but the longing in my heart to be there doesn't stop just because of distance and circumstance. I love you Eathan! Thanks for being such a testament to courage and strength when all odds were against you on this Earth. I daily remember you and how you ran your race... and I am better every day because of being your mommy! I miss you every day... but today... man I want to just sit with you a while. I love you!
And then I listened to the carefree play of my youngest. In the midst of a horrible storm, God blessed me with the most vivacious, larger than life, beautiful daughter to remind me that I have to seize the moment... even when things are really tough... because life is too beautiful not to live it to the fullest... no matter what is happening. I am so rejuvenated by her smile and her laughter. She knows her sister is gone and she knows things are not as they should be and she prays such tender prayers for her safety. But in her child-like faith, she goes on with her day in a way that demonstrates faith lived out, that God has this. It is overwhelming to me and brings me such hope and joy. I could listen to her all day long.
And my 15 year old son.... my first born, biological child that was my first answer to prayer from my cries to my father for a child. I will never forget losing my first child at 14 weeks gestation and finding I had a cancerous tumor growing and wondering if I would every experience the joy of carrying another child and experiencing child birth. I was prepared for however God chose to bless me with a child, but when He gave me this baby in my womb, and then I first held him, I felt like somehow I understood more the story of Abraham and Sarah. No, I didn't have to wait even a touch as long, and I wasn't old and grey when word came that I was with child. But when you yearn to be a mommy and don't know how that will come to be, every day feels like an eternity. Today, after 15 years, I haven't stopped being thankful for him. I have not one day taken for granted the gift of YES God gave me in him. And I haven't stopped knowing that this child was born for far more than to fulfill my desire to be a mom. What joy he brings as I watch him, at such a young age, live his life in a spiritually mature way that is beyond anything I could have hoped. I take no credit. It is God's hand on his life... from before I even knew to pray for him. He has given me such strong hugs of encouragement in this. He could be so selfish right now about his sister. She has been awful to him lately. He could be angry at her and not concerned in the least that she is missing. Many teens would be.
But instead, he prays for her and is extra attentive to me. Yesterday I was dropping him off at a friend's house to swim. He got out of the car, among 7 other teens, but then turned and came and got back in. Without a single thought to them and what they were doing, he put his arm around my shoulder and said, "Are you okay?" I smiled and said I was okay, he squeezed my shoulder and said, "Are you sure?" He wasn't going to go swim without letting me know he was concerned for me. He knows this is hard. And he wants me to know he is here for me. And he means it! Not everyone has the blessing of a teen son that still puts their needs before his own. I do. It is a gift. And it is evidence of the touch of Jesus in His life. How precious beyond words.
And then of course my husband. He fights through feeling bad half the time. He works his tail off to give us a blessed life on earth. And no matter what storm is brewing, he remains steady and unchanging. He isn't a preacher or a bible study leader. He isn't some radical fire setter for the Kingdom. He is so much more. He is comforting and encouraging and just steady in his walk. and that is the key... He just walks it. He lives his faith out in a way that isn't showy or wordy (yes, opposites do attract as I am as wordy as they come), but that is genuine and clearly faith based from a deeply personal place inside of himself. I lean into him and I feel safe. That's Jesus. And I am thankful!
And then of course my parents, my in-laws, my friends, neighbors, co-workers, church family - both prior and now.... How can I not be drawn to thoughts of those. My goodness I am surrounded in love from so many directions. The harder the storms fury, the more evident it becomes that I am not alone. God is all around me, speaking love and truth to me through all of those that He has allowed into our lives.
And then my thoughts return to Halley. The sadness of the circumstances crash over me with hurricane force. The reality that she rejects all the blessings God has for her life, through Him as her Savior, us as her family, and all those that desire nothing more than to love her the way they love me... love us. I just don't understand. I spoke a long time yesterday to a friend who had great understanding as she once was that girl. She lives her life purely for the Lord now and that is encouragement for me so much. I know there is hope... as my friend says... as long as she has breath in her lungs. I hold to that.
But I confess... on this fourth day of knowing she is out there, with no leads to where, I find myself fighting the what-if's. I see the news. I know the realities. I feel sick inside in a way I've never known... not through all the other storms. This one is tough. Very, very tough.
But I am learning and growing even still....
1. God is unchanging even when I am a mess
2. Blind faith is a choice. I am choosing it again
3. Trusting God doesn't bring guarantees of my idea of answered prayers. Again... choosing blind faith
4. God is so good to answer other prayers in the midst of asking me to wait on answers.
My oldest son, who has been in his own deep struggles for several years based on his pre-adoption issues, held onto me Friday night like a toddler would his mommy. He all but melted into my skin. After a long while he said, "Mom, thanks for not quitting me. Family is EVERYTHING." When my world was in total chaos, God gave me those words through my son... that could not have come at a better moment in time.
5. God opens doors when others close.
6. There is always hope
7. Remembering where we have been gives us strength to face wherever God is allowing us to go.
8. Remembering yet again, through the reminder of a friend, Satan can't do ANYTHING without God's permission.'
9. Laughter is good no matter how bad things are.
10. Prayers over us from the faithful, are a blanket of peace in tumultuous times.
I don't know when Halley will be home... or if she will. I am not speaking words of death... I am speaking truth. I don't know. I don't know what will happen if she isn't found... or if she is. And I don't know how I will make it through each and every day in this thing we are in right now. But what I do know... God knows.... and I am clinging to Him as the only sure thing I have.
Here is Halley. Pray for her. Watch for her. She is loved unconditionally. Even when we don't like what she has done... we love her. We claim our family verse so strongly over her right now... Jeremiah 29:11-13. God... be with her and fulfill YOUR plans for her life
Holding fast....
Robin
No comments:
Post a Comment