Hope it is Contagious

My daughter ran last week and was missing for nearly 24 hours.... that's where I start tonight.  Last I posted, I shared the trauma of finding out she had broken into sealed files and exposed herself and our family to her biological past pre-adoption... and all the dangers that can come with that for all of us.  I knew we were in a mess, I just didn't know how it would play out.  Last Monday it played out in a way that let us know that sometimes, no matter the love, prayer, and devotion, generational demons hold on tight and chaos erupts anew.  She was headed to California.  That was her goal.  Stolen money, stolen collections to get more money, and she was out of here... headed straight into the arms of danger... and the past God rescued her from.

But we prayed.  We prayed like we always pray... in faith and trust.  God won.  California was stopped and she was found.  God listened to our prayers and the prayers of many and the plans for destruction were thwarted.  He never fails.  My God never, ever fails.  I think of a song we sing in church, "My God never fails, He never gives up, He never runs out on me."  He doesn't run out, even when one of his wayward children run out on Him.  He is faithful.  Forever... FOREVER I will praise Him.

But the thing is, as thankful as I am that she is safe, I am angry.  Not just a little either.  I am just disgusted right now.  I love her as much as I always have, but I don't like her one bit. I get that all teens, especially girls, go through things.  And I get that when you add adoption through CPS into the mix, it complicates things even more.  But I don't care.  There is not an excuse good enough for the self-centered behavior she exhibited that day and the arrogance she displayed the day after.  It is maddening. 

But again, God is faithful.  Not just with bringing her home, but in dealing with me in my anger.  He is true to His promises and keeps His word alive and speaking to me so clearly.  Because of that, He is controlling my anger and keeping me in check.  He is a gentle whisper to me that He loves me in my sin and I am to continue to love her in hers.  He gently reminds me that I am to hate the sin and not the sinner.  And He is tender to hug my heart from the inside out when I am at my wits end multiple times in the day and night right now as I process all that goes through my thoughts.

A couple of days ago me and my youngest... my flesh and blood that had no voice in our decision to adopt.  We did so before she was born and when my first born, now 15 year old, was not even old to speak in sentences when we were called to adopt....we were outside.  A car drove slowly by.  I became keenly aware.  Wasn't long until the car passed by again, slowly.  I was not only alert, but my heart was beating a bit faster.  Suddenly, the car began to back up and with almost panic in my voice I yelled at my youngest to get inside.  She was in the middle of playing innocently and was no where near ready to go in, but she sensed the urgency in my voice when I repeated, "Go inside NOW!"  and she headed in.  I stood there, completely unsure of what I would do if in fact it was someone intending harm on my family, but fully prepared to do something... anything... to try.  The car ended up pulling into a neighbor's driveway and making their way to the front door.  They were lost, that's all.  But because of choices of my older adopted daughter, even being outside feels dangerous at times right now.  It is in the moments like that, when I am coming off of a moment of adrenaline, when God squeezes my heart from the inside out and reminds me that it is the sin and not the sinner I am angered with.  Thank God for His perception.  Thank God for His promise that I have the mind of Christ, that can control my distorted feelings and emotions. 

But the cool thing is... in the middle of all that ugly, God has given me someone that has been an answer to prayer.  He brought her to my life in the most unusual way and has opened both of our hearts up to things we didn't see coming.  She has a horrendous childhood testimony.  She was raped daily for YEARS by her FATHER!  I can't even begin to fathom.  Her testimony and experiences are a wealth of knowledge and wisdom for me AND my rebellious teen. She is a person I have been praying for God to bring for years and He has supplied her at just the perfect season.... for me and for her.  The details of what God is doing is still in that place of protection of prayer only, but God is working.  I feel Him ever near.

I visited after school with one of my strongest prayer warriors down here.  She said to me, "God is about to do something really good!  We just have to know that!"  She went on to talk about some of the greatest people of the bible that went through horrible things just before God did something beyond great in their lives.  She encouraged me so much when she said that is what she is praying and believing for us in this season.  It is hard to really express the deep struggles we are in from fears we battle about the unknowns from her decisions, to the anger, to the deep, deep sadness over her wasting God's blessings poured out for her... but with the healing balm of truth, God spoke to me today through her... GOOD THINGS WILL COME.

It's funny really.  When we were talking I shared how I believed that so much because we have lived it so many times.  Eathan's death, my cancer and loss of that first baby, failed adoptions, my oldest sons painful road from his pre-adoption abuse, Todd's sudden job loss, etc, etc,, God has been faithful and beautiful things have come out of it all.  This storm is ugly... one of the worst yet, because it really is so much out of the path of Christ by her, but I know, because my Savior lives, that good things ARE coming. 

So tonight I am going to close with some praises.  Things that are beautiful, right now, in this mighty ugly season of struggle....

1.  Rain... it has been glorious
2.  my students... they are all so stinking cute and funny!
3.  my youngest's laughter
4.  my friend from Jersey that is flat hysterical
5.  prayer messages that come just when I need them
6. a precious gift from my mom that arrived in the mail
7.  my son's hugs that are the most sincere hugs
8.  the reality that summer is only 3 weeks away
9.  homemade art that means more to me than any expensive gift
10.  my new ride... it is sa-weeetttt!
11.  old friends
12.  new friends
13.  cancer free friends and friends spouses
14.  encouragement
15.  running again... feeling like ME again!
16.  pony tails... I get more sleep on pony tail days!
17.  love that is poured out when I need it most
18.  thoughtful, precious teacher gifts of love
19.  security systems and modern technology
20.  old fashioned play in the park
21. my bible
22.  digging in dirt
23.  flip flops
24.  my mom's voice
25.  my dad's strength
26.  my husbands hard work
27.  my neighbors
28.  my dogs nasty breath when they greet me with love
29.  grace
30.  hope

Okay.... I will stop there for now.... but never fear... I have MUCH more to blog about soon.  So much more.

Eathan loved life.  I loved him.  And though time marches on and his loss has been a while back, the lessons I learned from him are eternal.  So as I close out again, while still right in the middle of this terribly situation, I remember to smile anyway.... because he did and it was a beautiful thing. 

I pray you find me smiling... and I hope it is contagious!

Love and hugs to you!

Robin