I feel the heat...

Well here we are, on the cusp of August in South Texas.  To say the heat is here is quite the understatement.  I go outside for 10 minutes and need a shower and a new set of clothes.  After 5 years in this part of Texas, I have yet to really acclimate to the humidity.  I think my make-up has.  It stays on a little better.  I know a bit more about how to handle hair down here.  But sweat reaction to the humidity is the same today  as the day we arrived.  Sometimes I miss the dry heat of the Texas Panhandle more than I have words.  In other ways, I have learned to appreciate the moisture.  My skin feels good here, that's for sure.  All in all, heat is heat whether wet or dry and if you live in Texas, you feel it.

But I continue to feel a different kind of heat as well.  I have been saying for a while now, I can feel the hot breath of Satan.  I can.  I do.  It is real.  If anyone watches the news, you should feel it too. Whether your own life is in a mountain top season, the reality is Satan is roaming wildly and with vengeance.  I honestly don't understand how people can live in the realities that are all around us and question the idea of good verses evil and who is behind them both.  Some call me naive for my beliefs.  I say, to not see what I see.. that is naive.  To believe there is not spiritual warfare going on in every corner of this earth is the most obvious form of denial and being naive I have ever known. It perplexes me on a daily basis.

As I was praying about some things over the last week or two, I had a huge shift in perspective as I thought about that hot breath all around us.  The simple yet profound thinking shift, is helping me more than I could have imagined to have peace in certain things that have been hurting and bugging me.  And it led me back to the keyboard.  Man, I love to be led back to the keyboard!

I read a blog of a girl today.  She said, "if people say they don't care if people read their blog that is **** and she used a choice word.  I thought about that.  At first I was didn't agree.  I write because of how it sets me free.  I never know who all reads and I try really hard not to focus on finding out.  But then, I realized, I do care.  Not how many.  Not who. I will forever say I don't do this for the number of people.  But I realize I really  I do care who reads because ultimately it is about more than just for my own personal gain.  I do write this stuff down on a public forum, fully in hopes that something that has helped me, can somehow help someone else.

I can't even count the number of times God has helped me through someone else. When I buried my child, some of the greatest survival therapy I found was reading about others that were ahead of me in the survival of grief from losing their child.  When I am struggling with the difficulties of my oldest two adopted kids, hearing from others that have been down a hard path of reactive attachment disorders comforts me.  When I am celebrating the success of my son and daughter still at home, but fear things they will face in the future because of this world, words of parents dealing with those things whispers encouragement.  Many times, what I needed to hear most was received from someone that was willing to be raw and real.  God would touch me and draw me back to him through them. I realized today as I thought about that girls blog... though I don't agree with why she says her reasons for it are, that I agree in some aspect.  I do hope I have readers because I do hope that God is reaching hurting people in any way He can... including through me if He wants.

So back to the heat and being led back to the keyboard....

The revelation is huge.. but simple.  some of our biggest battles truly are a war against Satan.  He is here to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10).  He is cowardly near with his hot breath wanting to harm us and cause us to harm each other.  He works hard at it and if we aren't careful, he can be very, very effective at it!

But the last couple of weeks and the situations that I have struggled with, I realize are not from Satan.  Oh, I realize for sure, if I allow him, they will be used by him to do what he does (again see John 10:10).  But what I realize is God has brought these things into my journey so that I had to dig deep and determine why I feel what I feel, think what I think, and do what I do right now.  God is never satisfied with where we are.  He always wants more.  And you can bet He will bring the heat that is needed to refine us.  It isn't always an attack of the enemy. God brings the heat to refine us.  Sometimes it is brought through seeing us through an attack of the enemy.  Other times, it is circumstances that He sets up so we have to look deep at ourselves and work it out with Him alone.

The three particular circumstances that have occurred over the past week or so, have made me pause and reflect a lot.  I have had to determine things I feel and believe about my past, my present, and my future.  Where I have been, where I am now, and where am I headed.  I have had to determine what makes me, me. Things that felt hurtful or confusing have been allowed because God needed me to recheck myself in alignment with Him.

As I have done that very thing, it has been a reminder of grace, mercy, love, forgiveness, and hope.  It has been a confirmation that I am walking with Him and for Him not anything or anyone else.  Whether in my personal life or my job, my value is not defined by people or their opinions of me, but only by Him.  And in Him I am free.  I am free of past mistakes that are not me any more.  I am free of present pain that is not mine to own, and I am hopeful of all that is guaranteed to be mine one day as long as my heart belongs to Christ.

God brought the heat.  He isn't just allowing Satan's hot breath.  I really believe He is bringing it.  He was the one opening the doors for some testing of my confidence both personally and professionally and I think tomorrow, He will reveal it is Him again when I go to a doctor  appointment that feels a bit scary.  He is bringing heat to remind me that I can't do it alone. Not the good or the hard.  He is making sure all over again that I remember that it isn't even my battle. It isn't about me.  It isn't about someone else.  If I remember what I know in my heart,  It is always and only about Him.  If I keep that as my focus, the rest just melts away.

Faith.

Doesn't mean it won't be hard.  Doesn't mean I won't hurt. Certainly, it doesn't mean I won't question, feel insecure, or even scared.  It just means at the end of the day, even in all my fleshly struggles if I am keeping, as the old saying goes, "the Main thing, the Main thing," I will lay my head down to peace no matter.  Something quiet will stir gently in my heart and my flesh will surrender to the still small voice.

Texas Heat is hot.  God's heat is overwhelming and intense in the most amazing way.  I just have to keep looking. I have to keep listening.  Mostly, I have to keep remembering where I have been with God so that I can remember where it is we are going!.

The Main thing IS the Main Thing!

Robin

Letting go....

There comes a point in life when you have to stand and face your fears.  You have to hit them head on or they will consume you.... engulf you... swallow you up.  This week was my week for this.  It's not the first time. I am certain it won't be the last (unless I meet my maker and I wouldn't mind that at all!  Come, Lord Jesus, Come!).  But this was a difficult one for me.  And it is one I will have to work on over and over and over.

This week, I let my dream die as I knew it and released myself from the responsibility of trying to keep it alive. 

As you know, we have been treading horrible ground for quite some time now with our daughter, adopted at 3/12 years of age from CPS.  We have had some very precious years with her, when she was younger, but the last few have been a nightmare.  I couldn't write it all out if I tried.  It's so much.  But what I can say is that it has been filled with attacks, lies, hatred, mental illness, filth, anger, rage, denial, deception, distrust, disgust, heartbreak, pain, sadness.... evil.  It has just been wrapped in evil.  It has been a suffocating journey.

And this week, we have reached the end of the journey as it has been. 

I wish I could say that was a good thing.  I wish I was celebrating prayers answered the way I wanted them answered.  But I can't.  I don't know if I ever will.  The end of this journey and the beginning of the next journey, are both marked by the darkest dark I have ever known.  And I pray that I will ever know. 

This week and this post, marks goodbye.

Our family has endured a great deal of blessings over the years. I am married to one of the most selfless men in the world.  He works hard for his family no matter how his health is.  He is steady and consistent in his love and devotion.  And he is 100% trustworthy with his loyalty to our family.  I have some amazing kids.  AMAZING.  I have one in the military.  He has overcome many obstacles from his own pre-adoption years and though he has other things still yet to get through and grow through, he has come a long way.  I am proud of the decision he has made to serve his country and I am very hopeful for a bright future as he keeps figuring things out and learning he doesn't actually know everything after all.  I have an amazing son who is still in high school that has a soul that I find hard to believe is inside of a teen body.  He has personal convictions and wisdom far beyond his years.  He has a heart for Christ like I have never seen before in a kid and he knows who he is and doesn't waiver.  He is willing to sacrifice a lot to stay true to who Christ has called him to be.  It is humbling.  My youngest is my sunshine.  She has an exuberance for life that is contagious and spreads light into every dark corner.  She has an innocence the world has not robbed and a joy that cannot be made by man.  And then there is my Tuffy.  He changed the world in just 3 years and continues to change our lives for the better every day.  He taught us how to truly live in the moment. The blessings of our day to day are remarkable and I am sincerely grateful when I stop and really take it all in. 

But life brings challenges and I can also fairly say that our family has had a huge amount of those to deal with as well. This current journey has brought some of the darkest sense of pure evil and it has been bone chilling.  I have thought several times, if this situation was a Lifetime movie, I would find it hard to believe.  It's felt that unreal and something one would only read about, not actually live.  Not at least when you are from a simple life like ours. 

Sadly, it's not fiction and even sadder, it doesn't appear to have the happy ending we would dream it would have.  This week, I have faced that reality, and I am beginning to hit my fears in it all head on.  It isn't easy.  Harder than saying "see you soon" to my sweet boy when he left for his eternal home far too soon for me. I have said a million times, his journey was without question, held in the hand of God.  I saw God's face constantly.  It was beautiful.  This fear... is so buried in darkness I have to grab and hold to the word of God to keep from succumbing to the eeriness of the darkness.  Sometimes it is so heavy I can feel Satan breathing down my neck.  It's horrifying.

And it has held me in captivity of it's grip more than I have even realized for quite some time.  This week, I have begun to look it straight in the face and I am claiming my freedom, in Jesus name.

Our daughter is ill.  We have had several psychological tests over the past few years and have a hint of what is wrong from those, but I believe it is so much deeper than the tests have revealed, and than even I was willing to admit until recently.  But today, in light of the understanding that it is time to face this fear, I am no longer approaching this the way I have been.  Today, I am calling it like it is.

I will not go into the details of all that has transpired.  I do not intend to turn this into a gossip column and I don't intend to use this as a time to "get even" with my daughter.  She is a very broken person and her natural consequences are going to be enough to deal with all on their own. 

What I am going to do, however, is face my fear and be completely real.  I believe that there are others that are dealing with a teen in crisis, some through adoption like us, some for other reasons.  But I know we aren't the first and won't be the last, to feel like our worst fears are coming to fruition.  We aren't the first to feel the breath of Satan so near the stench can almost be detected.  So now we have to do the only thing we know left to do.  We have to start the journey of openness for God to do what He does.  If I don't let this out there, maybe someone else will suffer endlessly in their own grief story, alone and without the hope of freedom in Christ. That would be just what Satan would want.  To hold us prisoner and not allow God to work through our darkest days.  Nope.  NOPE!

So I will share just only what I feel is necessary.  Nothing more.  Nothing less. 

My biggest fear I am facing off is not the monster of the story that is taking place.  It is horrific and ugly in the worst possible way.  But my fear, in all actually, is not protecting the little girl that we have spent the past 15 years fighting to protect, while exhausting every avenue to help her and protect the rest of us at the same time.  One of the scariest things for me was literally looking at my tear stained face in the mirror and seeing the reality in my own eyes, that it was time to stop.  STOP.  S-T-O-P!

Two days, and many prayers later, here I sit.  I have stopped... or at least begun the process of trying. 

Our daughter is a runaway.  She thrives in the danger that it creates and has put herself in intentional harms way over 11 times in the last year and a half and as a final attempt to protect ourselves, we have had her in Teen Challenge.  She had 58 write ups and was kicked out of that program and then we lost her altogether.  She blames everyone and everything good or bad in her life.  She lies, deceives, steals, attacks, and plays victim to anyone and everyone that tries to help her.  We have sought help in every avenue we possibly could and can honestly say we have left no stone unturned.  And if our daughter would stop her chaos long enough, she would be able to say this as well. 

But she is too sick and to caught up in the twisted web to know anything about any reality anymore. 

That has led her to a place of no return.  We have sat and listened to some of the most sickening revelations from police of what has occurred in her life... what she brought on herself... but what obviously is the horrific consequences of placing herself intentionally outside the safety of the umbrella of our Savior.  She has led herself right into the physical hands of the enemy, and even as we work with police on her behalf, she continues to put herself in danger and exposure that is just begging for more trauma.

As a result, we are letting go.  We have worked with police to get her to a safe shelter.  She is not utilizing that protection any more than she was willing to utilize our protection.  She is old enough that by law she is responsible for her own behavior.  We have done all we can in all ways we can and we are closing the door to the danger.  We are putting our other children's safety and protection first. 

She is currently in a different state.  She is fully delusional in her thinking and yet can seem almost sane and normal.  She has created social media and is trying to connect to people from her past and is presenting herself in a way that seems like life is great. That alone, after all that has been revealed to us through the authorities, warrants deep concern of her lack of reality awareness. 

To have been through what she has been through, this is clearly more evidence of her irrational and crazy thinking.  We have offered her the opportunity to go into a psychological facility to get the deep help she needs, but she refused.  Therefore, we will work with police, but that is all we are now willing to do.

I cannot tell you the fear that comes with saying "enough."  I cannot begin to explain how emotional and warped my own thinking gets because of all the different scenarios that come to mind over and over of "what if".  She is connected to some of the darkest people on the streets of the large city she is in.  She has acted as a snitch upon the police locating her, and now she is dangerously putting herself out there on social media to be easily found.  My mind goes crazy when I think of what could happen.

I have cried to my husband and been almost frantic at least once a day for the last few weeks.  He has been steady and clear... "Robin, we can't control it.  We CAN'T control it." It has felt like God was silent.  And He has been. Then He spoke... simple, quiet, yet  powerful...He spoke.

BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD!

I can't control it... but he does.  He DOES.  He has given all of human kind freewill and we have choices and consequences both good and bad to every choice we make.  But none of it is ever... EVER beyond his control.  He is GOD.  Be still, Robin!  HE IS GOD!!!

So I am letting go and saying goodbye to the terrifying grip of Satan through this.  I am not going to own her choices in my life any longer.  I am not going to feel Satan's heavy breath inches from my neck anymore.  I am not going to beg, plead, force, talk, fear, explain, justify, or protect trying to get her where I think she needs to be.  I am going to stop.  STOP.  S-T-O-P!

I don't know how I will walk on easily.  It is going to be a lot of work.  I am going to need a lot of support and understanding.  I am going to need real people that will say the real truth to me and understand if I get defensive or broken.  It is hard to let go.  She is out there.  The danger and pure evil that she has invited in is more real than any mother should ever have to know.  And it is my nature to want to try to fix it all.. for all of us, but especially her.  So I will be weak.  I will slip back and get caught up in it.  I know this, because in the past two days I have already done it a million times. And I can't guarantee that I will be immediately ok when I am reminded that I have to stop. STOP. S-T-O-P.  I might even get mad.  I might even think, "You don't understand.  You can't understand.  So don't tell me what to do!  Don't tell me what to think!" But I won't mean it.  And I am sorry in advance if I say it.

What I will really mean is, "This is killing me.  I feel like I am suffocating and drowning in this dying dream and I don't always know how to handle it best in the worst moments."

It hurts beyond anything I can describe.  She has done horrible things.  Said horrible things.  Accused horrible things.  Lived horrible things.  I saw what God intended the day she bounced into my heart from her broken beginnings.  And it is crushing to see her rush back to that brokenness with a desire to live it even worse than ever.  And I know the dreams I had for her are forever changed, this side of heaven.

The police have even warned us of her danger.  That is permanently there.  There are certain things that she may never recover from... and right now doesn't even want to try.  She is so lost in herself that she doesn't even really have a grasp on how bad things have been... how bad the people have been... and the permanent effects on her life, even if it all stopped right now.  And she hasn't even stopped.

I am standing on the promises of God.  We have truly planted seeds.  She will deny it.  She will accuse anyone and anything right now that isn't doing or saying exactly what she wants, but we have planted love, hope, and joy through Jesus all of her life with us.  And God knows.  He KNOWS.  And He says, "Train a child in the way they are to go and when they are old, they will not part from it." 

God doesn't lie.

I don't know that we will see it this side of heaven.  I don't think we will ever have our daughter in our life and in the successes we dreamed for her.  I can't even find those dreams in my thoughts right now.  I just see her darkness and the darkness of her consequences. 

But God doesn't lie.

I may never have her in my life and see the things I thought would be our future together.  But I feel like God will reveal Himself as victor in our lives over this one way or another.

And the start of that is to publicly let this go.  It's a death in some ways.  I will be grieving.  I may not know how to get from one moment to the next for a while.  And I am so angry at the system that has so let us down as we begged anyone and everyone we could find, to help us.  We have to continue to work with police and hope that the "bad guys" get justice.  So a lot is ahead.  But I just know I can't do this the way I have been any more. I have to protect my kids, my family, friends, neighbors.... I have to set her free.

We will be 100% her parents.  We are not emancipating.  We will be connected through the police and they will always know how to find us.  We are connected to the safe shelter we have her in.  But we will not be connected to her and will no longer be searching for her. 

We will pray.

I am asking you to join me.  Pray for her.  More than you pray for any of us, pray for her. But then, please do pray for us. Each of us have our own road of healing.  We have kept our youngest very sheltered, but even she is aware of the runs.  She knows bad things have happened. God has protected her innocence beyond understanding bad choices have happened.  But she has had to live a lot of years under the rejection. 

And pray for me to keep my focus.  Pray for my mom-flesh to stay under the total guidance of the Holy Spirit.  Pray I will not hold responsibility for things I cannot be responsible for.  Pray I will not try to soften her road any longer so that the Lord can reach her when she finally reaches rock bottom.  And pray that I remember I cannot protect the world from the effects of her and I have to trust God to give each person she comes in contact with, immeasurable wisdom and protection.

And please, if she tries to contact you, don't think you are the "one" God will use to change her.  She will lie, cheat, steal, and manipulate you for as long as you allow her to.  Her only help, I truly believe, is for all favor to leave and to experience life with nowhere to turn but to God.  And for goodness sake, if you do get connected, please be aware of the dangerous people in her life and protect yourself and those you love.  These are people that will use her to get to any one of us.  Evil doesn't play favorites.  Do not be open.

I love my daughter...  I don't like her... but I love her to the depth of my soul.  I trust that God will be with her and ready when she is.  And I trust that each day, my face will be less tear- stained than the day prior. 

One step at a time.

Letting go... letting God. 

Never before has the overused statement had so much meaning.

If anyone has a rebellious teen, I would love to help you.  That helps me.  If you are a rebellious teen, I would love to talk more with you.  Just know the truth is ugly sometimes. 

And to my daughter, if ever you run across this blog... we will never stop praying for you.  We will never stop hoping for you.  But we will no longer be prison to the fear you bring to our lives through your horrendous choices. 

Robin.

Tragedy...Triumphant.... Somehow

I don't even know where to begin.  I feel like everyone with any heart at all is focused on the devastation of Moore, Oklahoma tonight.  Every parent is tucking their children in and thinking of those standing outside the dark, destroyed rubble where they dropped their children off and probably watched them bounce into their school just a few hours prior. The feeling we have in the pit of our stomachs doesn't even begin to manifest a hint of the truth of their pain tonight.

God?

On the cusp of our own ongoing trials with our adopted daughter, I find myself looking upward.  "God?" Strangely, I find my heart not saying, "Why, God?" I really don't.  Instead I just find myself looking to Him, clinging to the fact that I believe Him and wondering just how it is this is going to bring Him great glory. How can something like this, be a Kingdom thing?  Yet, even when I don't see Him, feel Him, or understand Him, especially in times like this, I believe Him.  I believe Him for what is taking place in our lives and I believe Him for every shattered life in Oklahoma.  I do. Because of who I personally know Him to be, even tonight when I am drawn to the news station and my mind is racing as I try to wrap my thoughts around children perishing, and the way it seems they have, I still believe Him. 

I have no doubt many tonight are asking, "What is there to to believe?  Where was God today?"  I get it.  I do.  I really, really do.  As a mom who stood weeping by my sweet, little boy's casket, and now, in the depths of a nightmare with a teen, wayward daughter who chases her roots rather than her redemption through Christ and adoption, I get it. 

Still... I believe. 

Like the rest of the world, when I heard the news, I stood, almost motionless, instantly engulfed in a stooper of confusion.  I had just walked out of my own school and classroom, where I had shared space with precious children that belonged to other moms and dads.  I had just hugged on them, corrected them, enjoyed them, and celebrated another day closer to summer with them.  The same place where I sent my precious youngest daughter off to her classroom never considering anything but a successful day for her as well. And while all that was occurring for me,  I was totally oblivious to what was occurring in Moore, OK.

Therefore, when I finally heard, it just paralyzed me.  Immediately, I thought of those that live there. I reached out and confirmed safety for those and was relieved to know they each were okay, except one who was still uncertain of his mother-in-law.  I still don't know that answer. Then, the news of the schools rushed over me in a way that I can't express.  It's like I could envision those teachers as my colleagues and I shuddered when I realized I could envision my students... and my own children... as I heard of the horror of the storms path!

Empathy is a blessing.  I am thankful God made me to feel and feel deep. But days like this, it is a suffocating reality because the details just suck me in and attack my very core.  I feel it tonight.  I don't know a soul that is suffering, but I feel it. It's more than a news story.  I feel it.  Not in any way, shape, or form the way those directly affected of course.  I would never compare my reaction to their horrible reality.  Yet, I am drawn to the news, waiting with anticipation for the hope that they are wrong, yet fighting a constant lump in my throat, understanding, most likely they are not.  Those 30 something children....  I feel it and I am aching.

But I believe.

Again, what? how?  why?  Believe?  Now? Again?  BELIEVE?

Yes.  I really, really believe.

We are already seeing the beginning of the touch of God.  Not in the hurt.  Not in the loss, but in the hands that immediately went to work to search;  In the hearts that immediately began to pray;  In the organizations, churches, and individuals that instantly began the rally to call us together across this country.  One person isn't enough, but a country pulling together can bring a slight touch of hope in a time when all hope could seem lost.  And whether the many nay-sayers admit it or not, I know... I KNOW... that is GOD!  He has begun the revelation even in the horror of the suffering that has only just begun for those precious people in Moore tonight.

The word says, "The Lord is near to the broken hearted" Psalms 34:18.

That's all that I know right now.  God is near.  When I begin to suffocate at the thought of the confirmed 7 children that drown in their school, and the expectancy that they will find other precious children, teachers, and administrators in the same way, I just hold to the fact that God is near.

I can almost see Him in the darkness with them as the tornado came near.  Somehow, I just believe those kids began to see HIM and the horrific reality that we are aware of was blocked from them because God drew near.  I just believe that.  I do.  I cling to that in times like this.

And I can say it, not in theory, but because I SAW it for myself.

I didn't see God.  But I can tell you, from the look on my son's face when he leaped into heaven, I have no doubt he did.  I remember that night so vividly.  I was rushing into the hospital, knowing he was critical again.  This was happening so often (ever 7-10 hours at that point)n that we knew the signs when our son was crashing again.  His little body was ravaged with pain and suffering when we would reach that point.  So, when I flung open the back door and saw his face, I knew.  I KNEW.  He had seen the face of God.  It is burned in my mind the peace and joy I saw in his little lifeless body.  I wasn't able to comprehend it at the time, but God burned that image into my mind so that it could be my comfort in the days, months, and now years ahead. 

And I believe with all of my heart, before their physical bodies began to suffer, God met them there... and all they knew was indescribable joy.  God drew near.

And tonight, I cling to the promise that He gave evidence to me through my dying son, that God DOES draw near.

I believe. 

I hurt, I cry out, I can't stand how hard it is.... but I believe.

I am sure the whole country is struggling like I am tonight.  And I am quite certain I am not the only mom facing a devastating crisis of a different nature where ugly seems to close in.  So I just have to close my eyes, see that face and ask God to draw near to each person they way He did to my son.

There... His hope will be found and out of the ashes will come His GLORIOUS beauty.

Clinging,

Robin   

Pivotal

Life brings those sudden, pivotal moments when you realize something unexpected has just occurred that has altered the way things are from that point forward.  And they happen all the time.  Isn't it amazing? 

While in the midst of all the election hate mixed with some decent true debate where both sides of the fence are actually honoring each other while sharing different opinions, (which by the way breeds so much respect from me no matter what side of the fence they are on.  The other... the hate words, the continuous posting of degrading pictures and comments towards one side or the other... it just makes me disappointed to say the least.) I experienced one such moment. 

It was last Sunday evening.  I was sitting in my car, praying for total strangers from a horrid wreck I had just come upon about 2 minutes after it happened on Interstate 20, about 6/12 hours from where I live.  People had already responded and emergency dispatch had already been called, so I stayed away and did what I could... I prayed.  I was very overwhelmed at what I had seen and became even more sad than I had already started the drive feeling--I had just said goodbye to my mom after a wonderful weekend visit where we met somewhere in the middle and did nothing but sit in a hotel and laugh and talk. I wasn't in the accident congestion long because I came upon it very soon after it happened and avoided the traffic that was backing up instantly behind me.  But just a short while later, I hit total stand-still in traffic again.  I was unsure of the cause and feared another wreck was ahead.

I have gotten used to traffic jams since moving to Houston.  You don't get on I-45 or any interstate headed downtown that you don't hit the traffic... no matter the time of day (though there are worse times of day and I have learned those also!).  I have learned to plan accordingly and use the time wisely.  I have learned I can either complain and view it as wasted time... or do something productive as I creep along.  One of my favorite things to do now is to search the stations for some good preaching. 

Sunday, in my sadness over goodbyes to my mom and over what I had witnessed, I was searching as fast as I could.  I needed a God diversion... and fast! The verse in the bible, "ask and it shall be given to you", so many times really means I have to wait for what I have asked for.  But never, ever, ever does God make me wait for Him to speak in His word.  It truly is alive... and I am certain, were no other man or woman to walk on this earth right now but me, He would have given that book just for me.  It's that personal.

So Sunday I said, "Okay God, I need a diversion.  Please show up on the radio.  I have 7 hours ahead and I don't want to spend it all twisted in emotions." 

BOOM.  There He was.  Speaking through a pastor that I didn't catch the name of.  I wish I had.  I would podcast all his sermons.  But God must have not wanted me to mistake the pastor as the messenger.  It was God. He was speaking to me through an anonymous source.  Wowza!

The sermon had nothing to do with what I was feeling or thinking, but instead, God refocused me to the things ahead.  Amazing, right? 

I have been teaching some teens about end times.  It is always so exciting to me... and overwhelming.  We did several weeks on it and then put that away for a while and plan to come back to it again.  I have found if we take it in pieces and digest it, it sticks.  So we are onto another topic now, but I am still processing and muling over all that God continues to enlighten in His word about the continually confusing prophetic teachings of end times.  Sunday, He threw me deep into it again... but it was built around the election coming on the following Tuesday. 

I did not early vote.  I don't know why, but this year I felt very strongly that I wanted to do it on the official day.  Sunday evening, it hit like a brick on the head on why I felt so strongly about waiting until that day.  I needed God to speak to me through that pastor BEFORE I voted.  It changed everything about my feelings going into the vote... and while I watched the results...and of course listened to the horrid bantering. 

I do not intend to even speak towards who I voted for, why, or what I think of the outcome.  My word, there is enough commentary both positive and negative on either side of that coin to last us into the 30th century!  Please know I have a strong view and deep convictions, and should a point come when my speaking those is vital, I will not stand down.  However, ranting on social media isn't my idea of vital. 

But as I listened to this sermon, I hit an unexpected pivotal moment in my spirit.  It didn't change who I voted for or why I voted the way I did.  Instead, it deepened my convictions of just what it is God is up to. There were/ are things I have been questioning and digging deeper on in scripture based on what I have been teaching those teens and questions I have in my own mind about the ever difficult book of Revelation and trying to pair it back with the prophecies of old.  Man did this man absolutely have to be Holy Spirit speaking.  It's like it dealt with exactly where I have been residing. 

I listened for about a solid 45 minutes with traffic barely creeping along. I am pretty sure God set the construction on that highway in that location, knowing I would hit the deadlock at just the time He planned to communicate with me. When the sermon was finishing the traffic was opening up and I was on my way.  The timing was unquestionable for me.  Some would try to lessen it to coincident.  No way.  Just absolutely NO WAY!

After he prayed, and I prayed with that unknown man through the radio, as if we were knelt at the alter holding hands, I turned the radio off and drove for quite some time in silence.  I so wanted to write down everything I had heard.  I am a strong note taker.  I am quick and fast and can catch almost every detail I desire to remember.  But I was driving and that wasn't possible.  So I tried to digest over and over the reflections from it so that it would bank deep within and not leave me before I could get home.

Now keep in mind, just before I left the hotel, I had turned to pick something up and before I even touched my hand on it, my back cracked and spasmed and for the first time, I felt what it feels like to throw a back out.  It hurt and as the day went on it hurt more and more.  So by now, sitting in a deadlock on I-20 with still over 6 hours ahead, I was really hurting.  I could just feel the hot breath of Satan trying to distract and destroy the treasures I had just received. Stupid Satan... so obvious sometimes! 

It made me so mad.

So I combated that sinister snake and rebuked his attempts and just drove, dwelling on the rich words of my Father.  After a while, I found a station and got my singing on and drove on in almost in no thought at all... about the sadness of the wreck, the loneliness of goodbyes to my mom, so far away from me again, or the burdens I feel over the ugliness surrounding the election, or the opinions of those that disagree on both sides.  I never got sleepy on the drive.  I didn't feel much other than I sang. 

It was one of the coolest drives home I have ever had. 

I thought at first I would get in and write it all down.  But by the time I got home, I felt no need at all.  And I haven't until now.  Yes, partly because I have been feeling like a 90-year-old all week and just trying to survive teaching my energetic darlings that don't slow down because my back aches, while also trying to be somewhat attentive and less whiny to my family as well  because of it. 

But even more, because I just felt like God had pressed something deep into my heart and if I don't remember all the details right now, then maybe I am not supposed to.  Maybe it is for a time in the future.  Either way, I have just felt sure it is there... He planted it... and when I need to regurgitate it, it will pour out of my heart. 

How cool is that?

(and by the way, I heard through the grapevines that saying cool, really isn't cool anymore.  Maybe I am closer to 90 than  I am to teens, than I care to realize!  Haha!)

Then this morning, I was passing a school in our community.  For a long way before I arrived, there were tons and tons of flags lining the road, with signs that said, "Please slow down, Service in session."  I had my little 8-year-old with me and we quieted our radio and drove at barley 10 miles and hour.  When we got closer and I saw the sign of what was taking place, we pulled over.  Neither of us spoke for a while.  I rolled my window down and closed my eyes while tears streamed down my cheek, as I listened to them dedicate a memorial bench in honor of a local fallen soldier. 

I cried for his parents, his family, his community.  And I cried for our country and our world. 

And then, I smiled and got excited because a week ago, I was given treasures.  They resonated all day on election day.  And today, as I felt so sad for those hurting over their hero, my heart poured out just what I needed to remember the treasures again. 

Oh! MY GOD! HOW GREAT THOU ART! ... and by the way Father, please hug my sweet little boy today in all your greatness of compassion, because as You already know, I miss him every day, but the time is in season where I ache to my very core for him.  And thinking of those hurting for their fallen war hero today, just makes it all so fresh and instant for me again too.  But OH MY GOD!  HOW GREAT THOU ART!

Love you each one that are reading this.  Whether I know you or not.  Today, democrat, republican, lost or saved, I choose to love you... why?  Because HE first loved ME!!!!

Robin

Longing, but lingering...

Tonight, I am so tired I should hit the bed... but I have these thoughts. They have been rolling around in my head... and heart... for weeks. It's the time of year when I tend to get super nostalgic. Pair that with walking the journey with my sweet friend fighting a horrible fight against cancer, another precious friend in a personal battle, Homecoming dance 2012 just having passed, and election season in full force and you have the perfect mix for a rambling of thoughts, emotions, and total thought chaos. I have needed to write for weeks... but I have avoided because I think I just needed to sit a while. No writing, no talking it out, just sitting with it.

But now, here I am.

Sometimes I am completely overwhelmed at the sadness I feel in the world. It isn't hopeless sadness. It's more sadness that comes from a deep longing. I want to go home. Not back home, to where I came from, but my real home. The home I can't even begin to imagine because it is so glorious. The home where there will be no more tears, pain, sorrow, disappointment, or... longing. The place where my baby boy and my grandparents reside. The place where my Father is seated on His mighty throne. The place where the rustle of angel wings is a normal, common, glorious occurance. The place where the sounds of Holy, Holy, Holy are heard... and spoken... in such a powerfully awesome way my mind can't begin to grasp it. Home. HOME!

I often wonder of my Eathan. I wonder when I see him again, will he be like he was, only healed? Will he run to me and say in that same voice, that he loves me? Will his arms still be tiny and chubby all at once? No doubt his beautiful blue eyes will be just as they were... with those long eye lashes batting back and forth. Can you imagine? CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT DAY?

But, if that will be as overwhelming as my heart anticipates, can you imagine that the reunion will be in the presence of my Father and my Savior? Oh my word!

And my friends will be healed. Cancer will not exist. Suffering will not even be a thought in my mind.. or anyone's. Worry over my children, fear over the lost, disappointment over my adopted daughter's wayward heart... all gone... in a blink of an eye.

I'm ready.

But, then my thoughts travel back to now, to the stories that are shared with me over the dance and the behavior of some teens that are astray. I return to my ongoing burden of my adopted daughter determined to embrace her birth roots rather than her God-given freedom from the bondage she was born from... and the concern of her salvation.

Maybe I am not ready quite yet.

There is work to be done right here on earth. The Lord has not returned. He has not taken me... or anyone reading this... HOME yet. Because He is the author of life... that means we just have to dig in and get more determined. The world is a harsh place with even harsher realities. It isn't our real home, but it is where God has us. We should long for HOME but we shouldn't forget that until He takes us there, we must find deep satisfaction right where we are, trusting God is up to something glorious, for His glory.

It's not always easy, is it?

But when I really start to think about the many ways He has carried me, blessed me, protected me, sheltered me, overjoyed me, loved me, cared for me, provided for me, whispered to me, yelled at me, held me, disciplined me, and stayed with me.... I realize that all of the joys and sorrows of this world are beautiful because He touches me in them.

That makes it easier, a little, somehow.

I will continue to long for Home. I will miss my boy more and more in the days ahead as I remember the last weeks of his life before he jumped from my arms to Jesus... and I will cry and cry and cry. I will pray and sit with my terribly suffering friend and I will hurt deep into my core. I will struggle over situations that are taking place where I am helpless to do a thing and I will ache.

But then I will feel Him. He will draw near... the way He always does and I will experience joy and peace that cannot be explained or expressed because it is such a spiritual journey that only the Holy Spirit can possibly understand my expressions from within it.

Home... I am ready... but until I get there... thank you Father, for what I have right here... right now. Please... use me. I don't want a single tear, sorrow, joy, or circumstance to go to waste.

Longing, but lingering.....

Robin

Celebrating my Eathan's birthday through memories...

My sweet boy celebrated his birthday in Heaven today.  September 18th is always a precious day.  It is a day I celebrate his birth and try to spread his joy.  Best way I know to do that today because I just can't find words tonight... is to share some pictures.  I have millions more... just can't look at too many at once... makes him so tangible. 

He was joy... He is joy.  Remember him with me....

 My little Easter Bunny!

Loved that Elmo party for his brother! 

He loved his Johnny Jumper!

Look at thos eyes!  He was teething here! :)

Seth always said, "I gonna kiss you Etttan"

And Kiss he did!

 

Not always to the joy of Tuffy!  HAHA!

 

Wearing his little helmet to protect the bleeding head.  Still so cute!

 

His last donkey ride on his best friend, Hotie.

Hotie brought him joy when he couldn't get down and play anymore.

I miss them both!

 

His last Halloween.  He was our little Chief!

 

His tribe of indians.  We loved this because it covered

his bandages, brace, and helmet.  He felt so big! :)

We knew time was running out. 

We raced to the mountains for one last trip. 

It was only a few days until he started crashing every 7-10 hours.

 

We ate up our time with our sweet Eathan!

 

Hope was his dog.  She never left him.  Ever. 

 

 

Eathan always did the thumbs up and said "I tuff"

 

 

This was 12 hours before we lost him.  The nurses

surprised us and made handprints and a crystal hand mold.

Little did any of us know that was God's gift in timing. as he

would slip into the arms of Jesus later that day...

 

Eathan... your memory is alive and well... and your legacy continues

to change the lives of MANY!

 

Love you!

and I know from heaven I can hear you whisper back,
"I lu you too, Mama!"

 

Changes in the Air

Well here we are, the day before school begins.  Seems just yesterday we were getting out for summer!  I remember being a kid and feeling like the days were long and summer lasted forever!  Now, it's as if I went to sleep to yesterday being summer and today it being over.  Time and age are so strange! 

I haven't been able to blog about this, but I am excited (and a little sad) to share of some new beginnings taking place in our lives.  Since we moved down here, I have worked at a wonderful school, in a most wonderful job.  I have worked with some of the world's most precious children and with a staff of people that I have grown to love in a very real, precious way. 

But as we know, God works in different ways and timings and continues to stretch us and grow us.  So here I sit, the day before  a new year, being stretched and grown.

One of the blessings of my return to teaching was that God allowed the timing to occur when my youngest was starting kindergarten.  She has always maintained I went to school with her and not the other way around.  I say we went to school together.  :)  Some of my greatest blessings in life have been to be present in all of my children's lives as they grow up.  That involves being able to be in touch with them in their school day.  I am not a helicopter mom  (most of the time) and certainly don't want to be in every inch of their lives, but I do enjoy getting to be a part of taking them, picking them up, and catching glimpses into their school day.  I love to support those that are supporting my kids, and I cherish the memories of seeing their accomplishments along the way.

Where I have been teaching the last three years was not in our neighborhood. It wasn't far away, but the way our community is set up is in villages.  Each village has it's own school, own neighborhood pool, own park and etc.  It is all brought together by Town Center.  I love it.  Tree lined streets, winding, curving neighborhoods filled with culdesacs and horseshoe streets where children gather and play. It is awesome and we LOVE our street... minus one small problem.  My little girl who loves to play, doesn't know the kids or their families.  Because she doesn't go to school at her neighborhood campus, we haven't bridged the gap and made friends in the neighborhood. 

And this summer... the gap was clear. 

As a family, we prayed all through the month of June and made a decision together that it was time for her to attend her neighborhood school.  These were the kids that would feed into the middle school she will be attending.  These are the kids that are at the pool that is just down the street.  These are the kids just down the road that we wave at and smile at, but don't know well enough to know it's okay for her to head down and join.  It was a big decision, but once it was made, we were all peaceful. 

Until...

You know those moments when something just hits you between the eyes?  About 2 weeks after we made our decision for her, just that happened.  I was laying in bed, thinking about the decision and it hit me that if she goes to one elementary and I am at another, our schedules will exactly mirror each other... and I will miss it all.  I won't be able to take her... I have to be at school before she can be dropped off.  I won't be able to pick her up.  She gets out before me.  I won't be able to have lunch.  I only have a 30 minute lunch break.  I won't be able to pop into a party... my students will be having their own. 

I was devastated.  DEVASTATED.

I had been a stay home mom while all my others cycled through.  How could I miss all of these things with my last?  I couldn't stand it.  So, prayer began again. 

And God heard.

I looked online out of curiosity the next day, fully expecting to see nothing at her school at all, much less an opening in my field... my passion!  But there it was... a tayler-made position!  After more prayer and conversations with my principal where I was currently teaching, God opened the door to apply.  And then He opened it even wider when the job was explained.  And then He pinned it back as wide open as He could when the job was offered in only an phone conversation and not even a face to face meeting. 

So last week I began a new journey.  I have shed a lot of tears.  I loved where I was.  I loved the team I worked with.  I loved the staff.  But most of all, I LOVED my students.  They have my heart and it was hard to realize that by moving forward in this, I would be closing the door to my time with them.  I have grieved and grieved. 

My principal asked me to wait to make this public.  She wanted to do things a certain way, so I have been respecting her wishes.  It has been very hard as I wanted to reach out to the families and I wanted to share with many so that prayers could be going on for all involved.  But God knows and I trusted and just leaned in.

Now that the first week of staff return is complete, meet the teacher has occurred, I am gearing up for the new adventure of these amazing kiddos that will enter my life and my heart tomorrow.  I am going to be praying so much for my former students.  I am going to miss them and love them from now until always.  And I am going to be praying that the new teachers will love them as I have and grow them even further than I could have.  I want the BEST for them!  And I am going to try to do the very same for my new babies. 

I met them Friday.  I am in love.  IN LOVE.  It is amazing to me how the heart never gets too full.  It just continues to stretch and open wider for the new loves of our lives.  What joy!

And I will be walking into school with peace knowing I am there to experience the elementary years WITH my youngest, my sunshine after the rain,  as she too starts her new, big adventure.  And in that, I fall to my face in praise.  God heard my cries.... and He blessed. 

Oh praise Him!

Tomorrow my first-born-to me son will be sophomore!  WHAT?  He is getting all manly with this facial hair stuff showing up.  He is as handsome as I could have ever imagined when I used to look at his little chubby cheeks and try to imagine the future with him.  But his eyes stay caring and his heart tender and I am proud to send him off again with hope and expectancy of another great year.

My oldest from adoption is officially military. He isn't having a first day of school tomorrow!  WHAT???? He has joined the navy so that he can train to be a med corp.  What that means is he will be a medic and will be assigned to a marine unit, as they don't train their own.  He always planned to be a marine, but because of his goal to be a physical therapist, he found a way to do both, without compromising the long term goal.  We are so proud.  He had a rough road getting here, but he listens now... and he plans!  Miraculous healing from our Lord!  He has broken the generational curse of his pre-adoption!  PRAISE THE LORD!

Our sadness continues with our teen daughter.  She has not broken the curse of her pre-adoption years and I don't know when she will.  She seems to crave trouble and seems comfortable in the pain and chaos.  That scares me more than I have words to say.  Our journey remains quiet and protected as the situation remains scary with those she has tangled her life into, but we are trusting.  That's all we have.  We can do nothing else.  So we just trust... okay and cry and pray and beg and yell why.... but ultimately, we just wait and trust.

He has never failed us yet... He won't start now.

And then my Tuffy... oh how I miss him every single year as I get my kids ready.  What would he want to wear tomorrow?  What would he be excited most about doing?  What would he be complaining about?  Would he love science and hate reading?  Would he play music or throw a ball?  Those are the things I just will never know. 

I miss him.  So much. 

I wonder sometimes if people think it's time to stop talking about him.  Move on.  But the thing is... I have.  I have moved on.  Every single day.  But he was and IS my son.  He was and IS real.  And I will never forget.  Moving on doesn't mean it's gone.  It just means I accept life as it is, always knowing because of him, I cherish everything more... deeper... longer.  What a gift. 

Eathan, happy first day of school tomorrow.  Thanks for being my reminder to cherish the moments while I have them.  You are NOT forgotten.  And you never will be!  I close my eyes and see you.... feel you... wrapping those arms around me saying, "I Lu you Mama!" 

New adventures tomorrow... still touched by the sweetness of adventures already complete.

God bless you all in yours as well....

Robin

Thank God for interrupting the cycle!

Last week was a HUGE milestone for our family.  We drove our BABY to camp, where she would spend a week apart from us... and any other human being she knows, without even a phone call in between.  I can't express the lump in my throat that started when we hugged goodbye and lasted pretty much until the moment her face lit up upon seeing us at the closing ceremonies. 

I have sent all of my kids off for one camp or experience, but she is my BABY.  She is growing up faster than the rest and I am not keeping up with being ready, I am afraid!  She was born independent and I know that I will watch her soar in things far sooner than I am ready for the rest of my life!  I love it in so many ways, but part of me wants to prevent it because I know from my older teens, just how fast time goes. 

But alas, she went and the time for her was beyond wonderful.  We watched for her on the camp photo gallery and when she would pop up in a picture, her joy screamed through the photo.  She was having the time of her life!  It gave me such great joy to see her contagious smile and obvious excitement about what she was experiencing.  But the lump remained. 

When our eyes met as she bounded into closing ceremonies, I thought my heart would leap out of my chest!  Though her time was beyond blessed, it was clear she was as thrilled to see us as we were to see her.  She looked over to us off and on the entire time and the second, the SECOND, they kids were released to come find us, she bolted into my arms. 

We could have made a movie scene out of it, it was so picture perfect.  She caught my gaze, I bent down, she ran, and we hugged as if it had been a year.  (okay, okay so she comes by her dramatic flair genetically!)

Since then we have had non-stop retells of her adventures and opportunities and I am almost certain she grew a foot while away.  Though I have experienced those exact emotions many times before as my children left for this or that, there is something so different... so final... when the BABY takes the leap! 

What a summer.  I feel like I should write a song.... kind of like the song by Bruce Springsteen, "The Summer of 69"... about the Summer of 2012.  It is one of those monumental summers for our family.  But somehow, I think I won't forget any detail because I have a feeling my Dramatic Flair will be retelling it until time to head off again next summer!  And I love it!

But beyond the joy of her experiences, I have the adult view.  And this summer of her first camp has opened my eyes yet again to some life lessons.  Some really precious, and some, not so much.  But all worth reflecting so here I sit. 

My husband just walked through and said, "What are you doing?"  I said, "Blogging, why?"  He said, "Because if I could have just taken a picture of you... it would be worth a thousand words!"  I said, "Why, what was I doing?"  He said, "I don't know what you are writing about, but your whole body was just smiling!"  Yes, that pretty much sums me up when I write. 

So consider yourself warned.... fingers are about to FLY!

This summer has been a tough one for our family, for lots of reasons.  Obviously, we are still in a deep struggle with things with our oldest daughter.  Her pre-adoption issues are so strong right now and we are trudging our way through all that is bringing to our family and our lives. It is something you can't prepare for, aren't sure how to relate to, and absolutely have no answers for.  So you pray and take one day, one moment at a time.  Some days I almost feel like we are normal again, but some days, man that thick cloud is hanging heavy and the darkness feels very threatening. 

I wish I could say that has been the only struggle.  It would be more than enough.  But there has been more.

We have had to face some pretty tough realities in our new location of living.  This place is wonderful.  We love it in so many ways.  But when you are from the Panhandle of Texas, the place of open skies and friendly faces,where you grew up and existed all of your life, it becomes very clear what it leaves in the gap by not having those deep roots in a new place .  I have said our third year here has been the most difficult for adjusting.  This is the year it kind of really set in that we live here. 

We aren't new anymore.  We certainly aren't yet rooted here.  So we have found ourselves in that place of figuring out what that feels like and looks like..in the midst of this terrible storm.  It exposes how much you miss the familiar and deep and it exposes just how excluding life can be, yet how exciting all at once to experience new together as a family, with only each other to see it through.  It's a strange reality for sure. 

The hardest part is not for me.  I do certainly miss those relationships of friendships (and of course, my family) that are so dependable that before you even know what you need in a crisis, they are already meeting them.  I miss the relationships in my daily life that have span the years and I don't have to try to explain where something began because they were there and lived it, like  with my adopted daughter for instance. 

I have friends and family that were there through the infertility, the loss of the baby, the cancer, the failed adoptions, the miracle births from the womb, the miracle adoptions, the disease and death.... on and on.  They were there.  They know it from the inside.  So when things are tough now, they have the history and the understanding.  I miss that (and am so thankful for social media that keeps us much more easily connected to the day-to-day, even while so far apart). 

But, even while missing them so, God has given me a few precious people that, especially this summer, have really stood by me and been there in a way that feels "old friendship".  It has been a gift and a blessing. 

But the thing that camp (the kind that you show up alone and meet all new people) reminded me of, especially in this summer of 2012, is how much of a blessing it is for kids when they all arrive on equal turf.  Everyone is there to meet new friends and experience new things, not deal in cliques or groups. No one cares who knew who, when, or where, they just bond and become one.  It's so precious and beautiful to observe.

I watched my little 8-year-old bound into a cabin, my heart pounding, and within two minutes 6 little girls were circled up talking about who was sleeping where and how excited they were.  It was such a glorious thing to sit back and watch!  It is why we choose to send our kids on these kind of camp experiences, and not just church camps because we love to see God bring kids together without former pre-conceptions or cliques. 

And it made me wish that is how it was here.  And back home.  But, especially here. 

I wish with all my heart (not just for my kids who are actually pretty blessed in being accepted, but for all kids) kids from the elementary age all the way through to high school would stop determining to include some and exclude others.  I wish even more their parents would. 

I wish all kids could be seen and accepted as equal no matter their size, shape, skin color, intelligence, or financial status.  I wish that the start of school and the end of school and all through the summer could be like camp, where kids are all equal and see each other only from that light.  It is such a beautiful, Christ-like way to live.  But it is so hard to find in the "real world."  We are all guilty in one way or another. 

Taking my kids to camp inspires me to remember to not worry about the status of the world, but the heart of Christ.  It makes me want to seek out those that others talk about and reject... because in the reality, we really are all on equal turf, whether we admit it or not.  We all fall short of the glory of God... so we all need Christ's saving grace.  Period and end of sentence. 

My kids  (okay and me too, still and forever on earth I guess!) are learning (or re-learning in a new way) not everyone that appears to be your friend, really is, so cherish the ones that are.  Learn to accept the ones that just aren't and pray for them.  Don't allow bitterness and pain to take over, because then the victory goes to the enemy, who's only goal is to kill and destroy. 

Love others even when they don't care enough to love you back and move forward with those that demonstrate that they really are there for you... even if those in number are very few.  It is not quantity, but quality where it counts.  Difficult lessons, but important to learn none-the-less.

Camp also reminded me again, how nice it really was "back in the day" when we could take off out our front door and our mom and dad didn't worry unless we didn't show up for lunch as we were supposed to.  Our world of mean and evil, particularly in the assault of our young and innocent children, has crippled the social ability to get out there and "make it happen." 

Camp is that secure place where the kids roam free (within the safe walls of their environment) and along with their cabin-mates, meet all kinds of kids and have all kinds of freedom in their fun.  It is amazing.  In real- life reality, I can't let my little girl out the front door without a close, watchful eye because who really knows what is lurking just around the bend.  If you don't know the neighbor personally, the child doesn't go, because who really knows where the next predator will be found.  It is a travesty of our real-world living, that camp simply erases.  Oh, how I love that.

Finally, camp restructures our thinking.  It breaks the cycle that we have gotten caught up in... even if we aren't the ones that attend.  Experiencing camp through her eager and excited arrival and now the retells, has broken my cycle of feeling sad for the things that have disappointed and hurt lately and opened me back up to all the glorious things still ahead, even before I can see them.  Sometimes, we get so caught up in what is happening in our face, that we forget how miraculous the freedom really is when we find ourselves just running free in Jesus. 

That's where my baby is right now!  She is just running free in Jesus! And it is contagious. 

My teen son , recently also had a similar experience.  He went to camp with his church, but his true life-changing cycle-breaker this summer (it't tough to cope with some of the things we deal with due to his adopted sister) was his ministry opportunities to the Chinese the last few weeks. He made a choice to give up athletic camp and some travel plans we had, to instead serve Christ every day all day.  He served as one of 9 youth leaders to a large group of kids that came to our country to get immersed into our culture. 

Because he chose to immerse himself in the opportunity to serve this way, he was able to have some deep conversations with a couple of them that he really bonded with and realized he was able to be a part of something so much bigger than himself and any high school drama out there.  He was able to be a part of seeing one in particular accept Christ and it set him on fire!  It was thrilling!  These guys, who otherwise would just see the bible as one stated, "A book with really good stories", were able to talk and share and understand that Jesus was so much more than a really good man with really good stories.  One guy, when my son asked him about how he felt about whethere he believed now or not said, "Yes.  I do.  I can find no reason not to believe in this Jesus."  So powerful!

And because of that, he stopped sweating the small stuff and the cliques that drive him crazy and instead re-focused on the King and the amazing things He is doing all around.  He has surrendered to a calling of mission work on his life a while back, and this summer re-kindled the deep assurance that God is going to allow him to be used to reach the lost somehow, someway. 

He, like my daughter, is looking forward.  He has some friends that he knows are on his side, he has a ministry for Christ that isn't just for his future but for right now, and he is looking forward with anticipation.

As am I. 

It's not easy and even as I type, things surface in my thoughts of all the things that "could be" and "have been".  "Stop it Satan.  Get outta my head!"  And the best way I do that is close my eyes and remember camp.  Camp for my daughter this year, other experiences with other kids at camp, and of course, I go back to my own experiences at camp.

Life is good and camp reminds us to keep our focus clear. 

Goodbye fog... goodbye cloudy... HELLO SUNSHINE!

Now... off to hear some more details... praying you have the fog removed as well!

Robin

The Prairie Days are GONE!

I am a bit late in writing this.  We have had my sweet little nephew in town (he is 4) so we were quite occupied and enjoying every moment, as it will be a while before we see him again. Then, we prepared my youngest to head off to her first camp.  That will be an entirely different blog on a different day.  Man, time sure does fly!  But today, I wanted to pause and really reflect on something I touched on in my Ties of Grace - Sharing Faith in a Daily Way  facebook page, where I share daily devotions.  I mentioned last week of the tragedy in Aurora, CO.  I discussed how all tragedies of this nature really impact me (I can't even watch the daily news and not be upset over what seems to be daily murders in Houston), but how two in particular have really impacted me on a personal level.  I write this, not to glamorize the killings.  I feel sometimes that is what happens with the media.  Instead, I share because I believe these acts of violence are an obvious awareness that we need to be prepared in our daily lives.  This just isn't the "Little House on the Prairie" days anymore.

Is there anyone that was not affected by 9-11?  If people were old enough to process those events at all, I am certain all will agree, impact was made.  Life as we knew it was altered that day and still now, the changes that fateful day brought continue on.  We live in a much more guarded, reserved, suspicious climate as a result of that terrible day.  Everyone, from elementary school kids to adults, can remember what they were doing that day when they heard the news.  We were all devastated as we watched in horror as the events unfolded live before our eyes.  Tears began for people we didn't know and fear gripped the nation.  I was one of those that can attest to exactly where I was and I will never, ever forget just how horrifying the events were. 

Though my story holds no comparison to the many that faced that tragedy in NYC with the loss of their loved ones, I have a deeper understanding of the fear of it bringing personal loss.  I didn't have anyone in the Twin Towers.  I didn't have a friend or loved one on the first responders teams.  But what I did have, was my precious child in need of a surgery, with a medical device that was having to be flown in.  We were on a very short time frame for him to be able to wait  and suddenly, the plane that held his life-line was grounded.  The device could not be flown in! I remember laying in the hospital bed with my little fella and crying for NYC, but also crying for him.  I had no idea what would happen if that device didn't arrive.  It wasn't an option.  We had to have it... and yet, because of the larger scale of events taking place, all planes were grounded, including the medical one carrying our precious cargo.  It was horrifying on a whole different level for Todd and I because of the personal touch it had on our little boy that day.

We began to pray for NYC and all that was occurring, but I prayed even more desperately for my little boy.  We were blessed and prayers were answered as someone drove in the device to our hospital and though the surgery was quite delayed, he was able to receive what he needed in time.  As they brought him out of surgery and back to us, I remember crying so hard, wondering how many others, that the world would never even realize, were lost as a result of 9-11?  How many transplant patients didn't get their organs?  How many others were waiting on devices to arrive that were too far to drive in order to make it in time? 

I believe with all my heart, we really have no idea just how far the ripple of loss extended that day.  I don't think the world will ever really know every story of pain and anguish that terrifying day brought to far more than those directly affected in NYC.  I would have never forgotten that day no matter.  But with that personal touch, I truly ache with every mention of 9-11 on an emotional level.I felt a tiny touch of the fear that many felt that day, beyond just the horrifying scenes on TV.  It changed me beyond the outward effects of new security at airports and wands waving over me when I enter any large event. 

Fast forward now to Aurora and the terrible slaying of innocent lives at the midnight premiere of The Dark Night, just over a week ago.  I was up that night.  I wasn't at the premiere, but my son was.  It was the first night he had headed out at that time of night, in the car of another teenager, to share in the night with a group of teens.  The only adult with them was a 22-year-old intern at our church.  It was a great group of kids.  That I didn't worry about.  However, I sat on my couch that night and felt a deep urgency to pray and wait.  I didn't hesitate in letting him go, but I couldn't just go to sleep and assume all was well, knowing he was out there at that time of night with his great group of friends... and possible crazies.  I was so thankful when he text that the movie was over and he was on his way home.  He let me know they were dropping off a few others first, so I wouldn't be expecting him right away.  He arrived in just about the time I guesstimated and I was so thankful to have him home just after 3 AM.  They had a blast and created a memory that night of fun and excitement.  It's not easy letting them go, but it is necessary. 

I awoke sometime a couple of hours later to go to the restroom.  I was wide awake and frustrated, because I was so tired, yet wide awake, so I flipped on the TV... and the breaking news was being shown.  I sat there with my heart pounding, and instantly thanked God my own child was safe at home.  That could have happened anywhere.  It could have been my son's midnight premiere theater.  I was immediately humbled into prayers of thanksgiving for the safety of my son and his friends, but absolutely torn up for all those who were suddenly and tragically, without those they loved. 

And that is where I remain.  The news is lessening the coverage.  Stories are surfacing of some of the victims and many are still fighting for their very lives.  But because of the personal reaction I had, it stays fresh on my mind and my heart.  It weighs heavy on me that I am so thankful it wasn't my son, yet knowing it was someone else's son (or daughter), while also knowing all too well, how the death of your child changes you forever. 

And that leads me to the real point today.  This blog isn't the bad news blog! Tragedy in this world is very real and all of us have experienced or will experience our own in one form or another.  It is devastating, paralyzing, and we never fully know when it may hit.  The prairie days are long gone and as Aurora, NYC, Columbine High School, OKC bombing, Alabama, Iowa, Connecticut, Ft Hood, and sadly several others just on the larger scale of losses, not to mention the daily killings not on a mass scale of slayings, it is realistic to say, we just never know.  As a mom, there is a part of me that wants to wrap my family in bubble wrap, lock the doors and never leave.  I read just the other day, on Kissing The Frog, where a mom, much like myself, found herself trapped in a mall shooting with her children in tow.  We have no guarantee that a trip to the mall, the movie, or anywhere else for that matter, is not going to be assaulted by evil.  So what are we to do? 

I believe that out of all tragedy, beauty flows... beauty from ashes as the scripture claims (Isaiah 61:3).  Though nothing beautiful is found in the senseless acts of evil, beauty is found in the response of love and compassion that each of us feel towards those who are affected and hurting.  And I believe that it gives us all the more reason to long for our real home... heaven.  God has not forgotten us in this world of pain and sorrow.  He has not left us to go it alone.  He sent His very son, to feel all that we feel, and endure all the we endure, and die for our very sins, so that we could have comfort and hope.  What are we to do, in these times of more and more senseless violence and pain?  We are to run to Jesus, the One who understands, and we are to love others because of how He loved us. 

We are not to quit and give in like our human-ness would want us to.  We are not to hide under a rock and hope it all goes away.  We are not to avoid the world in hopes of safety.  We are to live and live fully, while running to Jesus all the while.  It is the only way.  Nothing else can every secure us.  We can't hide and escape far enough.  Evil roams the entire earth.  But we can nestle into our Father and trust that no matter what comes our way, He has us... and whether it goes well this side of heaven or that side of heaven, one way or another, if we are clinging to the promises of the cross, it will go well and joy will come in the morning! 

I am so sad for Aurora.  I am truly praying for the families of those that have lost so much and for those still fighting for their lives.  I haven't even been able to go see the movie.  I just can't shake the feelings surrounded by it.  But, I am living.  I am laughing.  And I allowing my kids to still go and do.  And I am trusting.  I am trusting that the more the world doesn't make sense, the more God does make sense.... and He is the only real assurance I have... one way or another. 

Glory to God in the Highest... even in the darkest pit on earth.... Glory to God in the Highest.  He loves us and will take us to glory with Him in His perfect time and way... our only job... to choose Him!

Robin