Thank God for interrupting the cycle!

Last week was a HUGE milestone for our family.  We drove our BABY to camp, where she would spend a week apart from us... and any other human being she knows, without even a phone call in between.  I can't express the lump in my throat that started when we hugged goodbye and lasted pretty much until the moment her face lit up upon seeing us at the closing ceremonies. 

I have sent all of my kids off for one camp or experience, but she is my BABY.  She is growing up faster than the rest and I am not keeping up with being ready, I am afraid!  She was born independent and I know that I will watch her soar in things far sooner than I am ready for the rest of my life!  I love it in so many ways, but part of me wants to prevent it because I know from my older teens, just how fast time goes. 

But alas, she went and the time for her was beyond wonderful.  We watched for her on the camp photo gallery and when she would pop up in a picture, her joy screamed through the photo.  She was having the time of her life!  It gave me such great joy to see her contagious smile and obvious excitement about what she was experiencing.  But the lump remained. 

When our eyes met as she bounded into closing ceremonies, I thought my heart would leap out of my chest!  Though her time was beyond blessed, it was clear she was as thrilled to see us as we were to see her.  She looked over to us off and on the entire time and the second, the SECOND, they kids were released to come find us, she bolted into my arms. 

We could have made a movie scene out of it, it was so picture perfect.  She caught my gaze, I bent down, she ran, and we hugged as if it had been a year.  (okay, okay so she comes by her dramatic flair genetically!)

Since then we have had non-stop retells of her adventures and opportunities and I am almost certain she grew a foot while away.  Though I have experienced those exact emotions many times before as my children left for this or that, there is something so different... so final... when the BABY takes the leap! 

What a summer.  I feel like I should write a song.... kind of like the song by Bruce Springsteen, "The Summer of 69"... about the Summer of 2012.  It is one of those monumental summers for our family.  But somehow, I think I won't forget any detail because I have a feeling my Dramatic Flair will be retelling it until time to head off again next summer!  And I love it!

But beyond the joy of her experiences, I have the adult view.  And this summer of her first camp has opened my eyes yet again to some life lessons.  Some really precious, and some, not so much.  But all worth reflecting so here I sit. 

My husband just walked through and said, "What are you doing?"  I said, "Blogging, why?"  He said, "Because if I could have just taken a picture of you... it would be worth a thousand words!"  I said, "Why, what was I doing?"  He said, "I don't know what you are writing about, but your whole body was just smiling!"  Yes, that pretty much sums me up when I write. 

So consider yourself warned.... fingers are about to FLY!

This summer has been a tough one for our family, for lots of reasons.  Obviously, we are still in a deep struggle with things with our oldest daughter.  Her pre-adoption issues are so strong right now and we are trudging our way through all that is bringing to our family and our lives. It is something you can't prepare for, aren't sure how to relate to, and absolutely have no answers for.  So you pray and take one day, one moment at a time.  Some days I almost feel like we are normal again, but some days, man that thick cloud is hanging heavy and the darkness feels very threatening. 

I wish I could say that has been the only struggle.  It would be more than enough.  But there has been more.

We have had to face some pretty tough realities in our new location of living.  This place is wonderful.  We love it in so many ways.  But when you are from the Panhandle of Texas, the place of open skies and friendly faces,where you grew up and existed all of your life, it becomes very clear what it leaves in the gap by not having those deep roots in a new place .  I have said our third year here has been the most difficult for adjusting.  This is the year it kind of really set in that we live here. 

We aren't new anymore.  We certainly aren't yet rooted here.  So we have found ourselves in that place of figuring out what that feels like and looks like..in the midst of this terrible storm.  It exposes how much you miss the familiar and deep and it exposes just how excluding life can be, yet how exciting all at once to experience new together as a family, with only each other to see it through.  It's a strange reality for sure. 

The hardest part is not for me.  I do certainly miss those relationships of friendships (and of course, my family) that are so dependable that before you even know what you need in a crisis, they are already meeting them.  I miss the relationships in my daily life that have span the years and I don't have to try to explain where something began because they were there and lived it, like  with my adopted daughter for instance. 

I have friends and family that were there through the infertility, the loss of the baby, the cancer, the failed adoptions, the miracle births from the womb, the miracle adoptions, the disease and death.... on and on.  They were there.  They know it from the inside.  So when things are tough now, they have the history and the understanding.  I miss that (and am so thankful for social media that keeps us much more easily connected to the day-to-day, even while so far apart). 

But, even while missing them so, God has given me a few precious people that, especially this summer, have really stood by me and been there in a way that feels "old friendship".  It has been a gift and a blessing. 

But the thing that camp (the kind that you show up alone and meet all new people) reminded me of, especially in this summer of 2012, is how much of a blessing it is for kids when they all arrive on equal turf.  Everyone is there to meet new friends and experience new things, not deal in cliques or groups. No one cares who knew who, when, or where, they just bond and become one.  It's so precious and beautiful to observe.

I watched my little 8-year-old bound into a cabin, my heart pounding, and within two minutes 6 little girls were circled up talking about who was sleeping where and how excited they were.  It was such a glorious thing to sit back and watch!  It is why we choose to send our kids on these kind of camp experiences, and not just church camps because we love to see God bring kids together without former pre-conceptions or cliques. 

And it made me wish that is how it was here.  And back home.  But, especially here. 

I wish with all my heart (not just for my kids who are actually pretty blessed in being accepted, but for all kids) kids from the elementary age all the way through to high school would stop determining to include some and exclude others.  I wish even more their parents would. 

I wish all kids could be seen and accepted as equal no matter their size, shape, skin color, intelligence, or financial status.  I wish that the start of school and the end of school and all through the summer could be like camp, where kids are all equal and see each other only from that light.  It is such a beautiful, Christ-like way to live.  But it is so hard to find in the "real world."  We are all guilty in one way or another. 

Taking my kids to camp inspires me to remember to not worry about the status of the world, but the heart of Christ.  It makes me want to seek out those that others talk about and reject... because in the reality, we really are all on equal turf, whether we admit it or not.  We all fall short of the glory of God... so we all need Christ's saving grace.  Period and end of sentence. 

My kids  (okay and me too, still and forever on earth I guess!) are learning (or re-learning in a new way) not everyone that appears to be your friend, really is, so cherish the ones that are.  Learn to accept the ones that just aren't and pray for them.  Don't allow bitterness and pain to take over, because then the victory goes to the enemy, who's only goal is to kill and destroy. 

Love others even when they don't care enough to love you back and move forward with those that demonstrate that they really are there for you... even if those in number are very few.  It is not quantity, but quality where it counts.  Difficult lessons, but important to learn none-the-less.

Camp also reminded me again, how nice it really was "back in the day" when we could take off out our front door and our mom and dad didn't worry unless we didn't show up for lunch as we were supposed to.  Our world of mean and evil, particularly in the assault of our young and innocent children, has crippled the social ability to get out there and "make it happen." 

Camp is that secure place where the kids roam free (within the safe walls of their environment) and along with their cabin-mates, meet all kinds of kids and have all kinds of freedom in their fun.  It is amazing.  In real- life reality, I can't let my little girl out the front door without a close, watchful eye because who really knows what is lurking just around the bend.  If you don't know the neighbor personally, the child doesn't go, because who really knows where the next predator will be found.  It is a travesty of our real-world living, that camp simply erases.  Oh, how I love that.

Finally, camp restructures our thinking.  It breaks the cycle that we have gotten caught up in... even if we aren't the ones that attend.  Experiencing camp through her eager and excited arrival and now the retells, has broken my cycle of feeling sad for the things that have disappointed and hurt lately and opened me back up to all the glorious things still ahead, even before I can see them.  Sometimes, we get so caught up in what is happening in our face, that we forget how miraculous the freedom really is when we find ourselves just running free in Jesus. 

That's where my baby is right now!  She is just running free in Jesus! And it is contagious. 

My teen son , recently also had a similar experience.  He went to camp with his church, but his true life-changing cycle-breaker this summer (it't tough to cope with some of the things we deal with due to his adopted sister) was his ministry opportunities to the Chinese the last few weeks. He made a choice to give up athletic camp and some travel plans we had, to instead serve Christ every day all day.  He served as one of 9 youth leaders to a large group of kids that came to our country to get immersed into our culture. 

Because he chose to immerse himself in the opportunity to serve this way, he was able to have some deep conversations with a couple of them that he really bonded with and realized he was able to be a part of something so much bigger than himself and any high school drama out there.  He was able to be a part of seeing one in particular accept Christ and it set him on fire!  It was thrilling!  These guys, who otherwise would just see the bible as one stated, "A book with really good stories", were able to talk and share and understand that Jesus was so much more than a really good man with really good stories.  One guy, when my son asked him about how he felt about whethere he believed now or not said, "Yes.  I do.  I can find no reason not to believe in this Jesus."  So powerful!

And because of that, he stopped sweating the small stuff and the cliques that drive him crazy and instead re-focused on the King and the amazing things He is doing all around.  He has surrendered to a calling of mission work on his life a while back, and this summer re-kindled the deep assurance that God is going to allow him to be used to reach the lost somehow, someway. 

He, like my daughter, is looking forward.  He has some friends that he knows are on his side, he has a ministry for Christ that isn't just for his future but for right now, and he is looking forward with anticipation.

As am I. 

It's not easy and even as I type, things surface in my thoughts of all the things that "could be" and "have been".  "Stop it Satan.  Get outta my head!"  And the best way I do that is close my eyes and remember camp.  Camp for my daughter this year, other experiences with other kids at camp, and of course, I go back to my own experiences at camp.

Life is good and camp reminds us to keep our focus clear. 

Goodbye fog... goodbye cloudy... HELLO SUNSHINE!

Now... off to hear some more details... praying you have the fog removed as well!

Robin