Layers...

Today was tough... TOUGH.  We have had some very tough days over the course of the last few weeks, but especially the past week.  But today, I guess because of where we are right now in all of the chaos and pain, things just hit like a lead balloon.  And.  I lost it. 

And I didn't just lose it at a good time. Of course not.  Emotions hit at the most inopportune time.  I lost it right in the middle of  staff celebration at school.  Our students had a half day and then we met in our cafeteria for some food and fun.  I went into it thinking maybe it would be exactly what I needed.  Instead, it turned out to be just the opposite.  I found myself feeling more and more like I was suffocating and before I knew it, the tears hit and I couldn't hold them back.  I bolted before many could realize the mess I was becoming. Some dear friends followed me, hugged me, and cried with me.  They... protected me. They don't even know the details of the devastation we are in... know one does but us right now because it is legally necessary.... but still they supported me right where I was.  I needed them and didn't even know it when I started the day today... trying to be as normal as I could be.  I didn't have to ask for them.  I didn't have to be a certain way for them.  They just circled around me and loved me right where I was, without any pressure to share information, or without any pressure to be anything but what I was genuinely feeling inside.  It was a gift.  I didn't know I was going to lose it today.  I have lost it many times over the course of this week, but I have been able to keep some control in public places.  Not today.  I wasn't prepared.  They weren't prepared.  But they were there.  They could handle the sobbing and stayed with me until we found our way to some laughter.  What a gift.   

I came home exhausted.  It's always hard to say goodbye to my precious students for the summer.  I love them so much.  But then add all the trauma we are enduring to the mix and I am flat whipped.  I came home and curled up on the couch and just sort of sat in the silence.  I pulled up my facebook and was overwhelmed at the love in my life.  I have so many people sending messages of love, hope, scripture, prayers, and genuine support.  I am continually amazed at the outpouring of love through the various journeys we endure.  I am overwhelmed. 

But Satan is good isn't he?  He knows when we are struggling.  He knows how to hit below the belt.  And he knows how to hurt your already deeply hurting heart.  As I was amazed at how blessed I am with all the support, I also was exposed to some realities around me, beyond my family circumstance, that just let some things settle in to a very deep place of reality.  It isn't so much a surprise... it is just a sadness I didn't need or want today.  Most other times I would not think twice.  I have bigger fish to fry.  But in a hurting place, sometimes those little things people do... or in this case don't do... hurt on a bigger level because we are so raw. It's like salt in an open wound... no matter how much your head tells your heart not to dwell there.  Does that make sense to anyone else? 

But just as that was hurting deep, what I realized is Satan is trying to get me to dwell on situations that aren't worth the attention and have no Kingdom value right in the middle of the battle we have been thrown into so suddenly.  I had just been praising God over the sincere support and love of friends that are willing to sit a while with my hurting heart and the the ongoing outporuing of messages both public and private coming into me just when I need them during this ugly season... and Satan wants me focused on things that go to that superficial place of remembering that sometimes a talk doesn't match a walk.

So that brought me to the blog.  And the title.  Layers.  In every difficult season we have walked through, I learn something more about myself and I learn something more about God and I learn something more about others.  Today, I learned that it really can be lonely to be vulnerable and real and open because not everyone has the desire to deal with things that go into deep layers.  It is too much for them. And not only will they go on without you, but they will leave your family out as well.  It is easier to say some kind words in passing, but never stop to consider how to really be a friend.  And honestly, I don't blame them.

It's not easy to stand by someone that has all that we have going on.  But the turth is, we have so much more to offer than the circumstances we have no control over and I am about as loyal as they come.  I read a statement once and really felt it spoke my heart.  It said, "Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them."  I guess that is where I am today in what caught me off guard after I got home and saw something that made some things painfully clear. But instead of dwelling on the things Satan wants to attack me with, I am wiping my tears and going back to the things of Jesus. 

 The ones that go there with us...wherever there is... soaring high or hitting a deep pit... I cherish to the depth of my soul. And I realize how many people love us where we are by the outpouring of love that is more than obvious from so many different directions.  I am not alone.  We are not alone. When crisis hit, I have people I can call and in a matter of moments, my kids are handled, prayers are covered, and we are surrounded in love from all directions. God is faithful and He touches me through His people.

My lesson in the storms today, as I hurt so much over realizing how "left out" life can make you feel in the middle of your hurts, is how really thankful I am for the layers God continues to peel in my life.   Because of the situations we have endured, God has grown me to a place where it truly is my heart desire to reach out to those in need... and I want to love people where they are.  I don't say that boastfully.  I say that as one that has received it so many times, and who has received it most unconditionally from my Father.  My prayer today (among the thousands I am saying about our devastation that almost feels like it is overtaking us) is that I remember how surface relationships can feel and never, ever be guilty of causing it by being a single layer person to anyone for any reason.  I pray that I will be sensitive to the needs of those around me and I will be used to be a touch of Jesus in their life and not another factor of pain when they are already struggling.  God doesn't need us at all to accomplish His will.  But when we are tender to Him, how beautiful it is to be a part of being used somehow for His plan.

Today, I am thankful for so many that have loved us our whole lives.  They have loved us through all that we have been through.  They have cared about us in our good times and they have cared even more about us in our hurting times.  And much like my little Tuffy in his darkest hours, they have wrapped their arms around us and cared far more about us than themselves... and it has radically changed me for life.  And today and this week, those that have met us where we are... you have changed me again.  Not a message, hug, scripture, or prayer promise has been missed.  It has been received and experienced and cherished... so, so cherished! 

A friend sent me a message this week and said she loved how I don't let the scabs form.  I rip off the scabs and expose the wounds in our life so openly so that I stay tender and not hardened to the circumstances. It meant so much. I have to say, I can't do it any other way.  It's the only way I can survive the circumstances of deep hurt because I just have to let God heal me from the inside out.  I don't want to walk around in some single layer existence.  I want to go as deep as I can in joy and sorrow so that I can experience the full extent of God's grace and mercy.  And because of that, I have personally felt and experienced that they really, really are new every morning.  And while I sit sorting through all masses of emotions, I am reminded again and again, that by peeling back the layers, God is getting me through each new thing I face with a better opportunity to be refined. And I am thankful (okay mostly.  Sometimes... I just want it to go away.  Let's be real here!)

I wish I could blog all the fears, shock, and circumstances we are enduring.  I know so many are praying for our broken teen.  But I can't.  I think it is a season of God saying, ROBIN, TALK TO ME!  JUST ME!  He may regret it.... because man I have things to say!  When the time comes, I know God will take this mess and I will see His glory so clearly through every painful moment.  I can't wait.  I CAN'T WAIT. And I will be released to blog it and share it somehow so that God can meet a need in someone else.  That is always the purpose of pain.  To grow us closer to God and to reach others through our testimony.  Until then, I will continue to seek Him and be on alert for the cruel jabs of the enemy.  He just doesn't get the victory.

Sorry.... wish this was more uplifting somehow.  I love that on my darkest days, I still know.... He IS God... and as I said on my FB this morning... He's got this!

Love to all....

Robin