Melting Ears

It's been since October 13, 2013 since I have written a post.  OCTOBER!  That's crazy to me.  Not because I feel like the world is sitting around waiting for me to post, but because writing in this blog is such therapy for me and October is a long, long time without therapy.  I have posted about this before though.  I have shared how I can't write without God's permission.  I literally can't. It's not that I don't try or want to, but nothing flows.  I can sit and try all I want but what I write ends up being jumbled nonsense.  It just doesn't translate without God behind it.

I can share my funny side any time.  I just take our normal life, write about it, and wha-la! But this blog is dedicated to much more than that.  It is and always has been about my spiritual experiences.  Raw, real, vulnerable, spiritual learning and growth.  To try to express that without God's direction always proves to be futile.  Makes sense though... what would be a spiritual experience for me without the Holy Spirit's lead?

Today, God led me to the computer.  I felt Him.  I FEEL Him.  I honestly don't even know where this will go or how it will transform in writing, but I am here.  I am listening.  I am experiencing Him.  I am expressing the moment I am in... and though it feels so good, I have to admit, today I am nervous.  I find myself already wanting to pull back.  Pull in.  Hide.  This blog always makes me vulnerable.  It places me in a place of subjection and judgement.. good or bad... from others.  And though I usually experience beautiful encouragement, today there is this nagging whisper in my ear... a sinister, seething whisper, "be careful woman."  I am fighting the urge to quit today.  Right now.  Just walk away.  It would be safer, easier, less costly.  But then, even as I just wrote those words... no it wouldn't.  It would only be less costly in man's eyes... in my eyes... not my Father's eyes.  The reality is if He is asking me to write and I refuse out of fear because of the hot whisper from the ultimate liar, the cost would be far greater.

So here I sit, having an argument with myself about what I know to be true, but like everyone else, still struggle with.  Faith is hard.  Not all the time.  Not in all ways.  In some ways, like clinging to God in the death of my son, or for the health of my parents, or the safety and protection of my kids, it comes easy.  I hold and I hold tight.  But faith, when I can feel the heat of the enemy and know that my very next actions are probably going to tick him off and bring deeper attack... that is sometimes hard to stomach.

But here I go... with sweaty plams, I am going to try hard to choose faith. May not seem like a big leap to you that are reading, but for me  in this season, man it is tough.  Pray for me as you read on.  And know that I have already prayed for you, not by name, but by the same faith that I am writing with... that God is big and knows who, what, when, where, why, and how.

Yesterday, we took our son to a two week adventure with God.  He has gone to Pine Cove since he was young.  We love it because we made the choice long ago for our kids to go to camp alone.  We don't seek out a friend or two to go along. We also don't take them on the same week each year.  We take them when we feel the Lord is opening doors for them to be there.  The kids love it.  They love going and trusting that God is going to bring the people into their paths for that time and they leave behind anything and everything of their current life... just to experience God.  My youngest will go for a third year in a few weeks.  But for Seth  this will be his final year, as he will be a Senior next year.  Sometimes in his journey, God has brought really strong Christian guys into his cabin where he was able to really go deep with them and experience God in that way.  Other times, God has brought guys that are there because "it's fun" or "parents made me." He grows Seth in those experiences as a leader.  Both ways are profound and beautiful. I find myself watching the site daily for a glimpse of him... his smile, his joy, his presence in the moments he is living.  I love him being there!

Strangely thought, when we left, a flood gate opened in me. We listened to the sermon they send with parents on the way out, and suddenly  I was pouring out everything inside of me, joy, sorrow, pain, healing, disappointment, anger, hurt, hope, forgiveness, strength, fear, courage, weakness, bravery, humbleness, pridefulness... if it was a thought, it came out of my mouth on that long stretch of highway home, while my daughter slept in the backseat.

It's funny, we were up extremely late Saturday night because we had a sudden gas leak in the house and had to evacuate.  They didn't get the gas shut off and everything aired out for us to go to bed until 3:00 AM Sunday morning.. the day we were to leave to take Seth to camp.  And this was after an exhausting two weeks of travel between my parents, Colorado for Seth's national tournament, and home.  The timing seemed way off with Seth leaving for camp, but he slept most of the way there and then she slept all the way home.  That left such precious time to talk for hours and hours for me and Todd! God is cool, isn't he?

Anyway, I would imagine if you could draw a cartoon scene of me talking to Todd on that highway, I would have had steam coming out of my mouth and he would have had melted ears.  I couldn't stop.  I laughed, I cried, and I talked and talked and talked.  The tears flowed for joy and sorrow and I just never shut up.

When I was reflecting on it last night, I wondered what it was that made that start for me. I realized in my analyzing of everything that it started out of a mix of emotions of joy and jealousy.  Crazy right?  (Well if you know me, you already knew I  am crazy anyway, so it matters not if I confess!)  The joy I was feeling, you can figure out easily.  God is about to do something remarkable again with Seth.  Seth has one of the most mature walks with Jesus for a young male  athlete, that I have ever known.  He really is unwavering.  I see it as his mom, but what really is evidence is I hear it from his friends and other adults.  He was created for a purpose and because of the death of his brother and the wayward journey of his adopted brother and sister, he has this gift of knowing who he is and who he lives for.

But why was I feeling jealousy?  That's a harder one to figure out?  What Robin, do you want to be a teen at camp again?  No!!!  Do you want to sleep on a hard mattress and be in the heat for two weeks? No!!!  Then what?  What was making me feel jealous? It's simple, really!  I want the escape!  I know that God is about to do something magical in Seth and Seth is going to be away and apart from everything while he does it.  That's it.  Seth is experiencing totally alone time with God.  Yes, other people are there, but he is totally apart from his daily world... family, friends, sports, cell phones, internet, television... and suddenly because of my own season I am in,  all those things we are blessed for our kids to escape from each summer, for the first time made me feel jealous.

So why this year?  Why after all the camp drop offs, do I feel it now?  Because I have wanted to run to the hills for a long time, but this year, this season, most of all.  And God hasn't let me.  He has asked me to stay put right where I am.  My "be still" has been more "be quiet".  He has asked me to keep doing what I do on a daily basis but be quiet.  Nothing more.  No other explanation.  Sometimes... a lot of the time... not even His voice has been heard.  It has been deafening silence again.

God has been so quiet.  I have been begging to hear from Him.  I really have.  I have wanted some of those moments that He moves so loudly I can almost hear him.  But He has chosen again  to be quiet.  And worse, has made ME be quiet.  I haven't been able to make sense or express what I am really thinking or feeling in completion for so long.. Starting in the summer, but again in October and then really in December and through the spring... Especially through the spring.

But yesterday, the flood-gate opened!  I don't know where I am headed.  I don't know how many journal entries are about to be poured out, but today, I sat down, checked to see when I last wrote, and said, "Thank you God for allowing the gates to open again!"

Today, I don't feel jealous any longer.  Whatever it is God is up to, He intends to do with me right here, sitting at this keyboard, and talking to my husband until his ears melt.  And finally, it's right where I want it to be.  I don't feel an urgency to run away in God to hear Him.  I know, starting yesterday on the drive home, after all that began to pour out of me, that God has said, "I am preparing to speak so clean out your heart for the movement, Robin."  And I am at peace that He was waiting for me to be wiling to do that right where I am.  He is bigger than my daily life and can move mountains for me while He still lets me do my daily life. Profoud.  God is just profound.

I know what my next post will be already. It just exploded in me.  But for now, I am stopping.  I feel like I am supposed to say to someone, not sure who, but someone....  If you are almost doubled over, covering your ears... and your heart... from the deafening silence, Hold on!  In just a minute, even if you are barely able to cling on to Him,  He will show up and let you know He still has you right smack in the palm of His beautifully perfect and strong hand.

Robin