I have blogged very openly about our family. I feel like things kept in secret are things Satan can use to try to kill and destroy. The way God made me was open almost to a fault. It has bit me hard many times along life's journey. So much so, that I have found myself trying to be less open, less vulnerable. Much to my attempts, I remain who I am because I am His and He decided how to create me. I can't really compete with that anymore than I could try to create a world with such splendor and intricate detail as He has done.
I mean really, I am proud when I create a mural for the kids walls that has some good detail. Who's with me, here?
As things carry on in our family, there are times I just think, "that's it. I am closing in and closing off. I am not sharing. I am not risking. I am not...." and for a little while God let's me, though I think mostly it's really that He is just working something else out in me. Always, always at some point, I am drawn back to that place of raw reality shared way more openly than most people would ever do... because God clearly shows up in something that cannot be ignored and the beautiful conviction runs so deep that I have no choice but to respond. So here I sit this morning, after "such a time" last night, when I least expected it.
Before I get to that moment, I have to share some pretty painful events. Again. We have so many precious, joyful moments. Every day something good is happening in our lives. But as the book of Job reveals, Satan doesn't always believe our faith in Jesus in good times celebrations. Where we really prove our faith is in the pit. The unspeakable moments that we would never, ever want to experience. If you've read our blog, you know we've had them. And in my opinion, more than our share.
Reality... everyone in hard times probably feels that too....
As you know, we have a mix of adopted and biological children. We were blessed with a biological son and then God led us back to adoption, before giving us physical birth again. We have a total of five children. We love each of them tenderly, uniquely, and unconditionally.
But I have to be honest... the unconditionally part is an ongoing challenge for the older two who are adopted. It is not because they are adopted. Just last weekend I pulled out a million old pictures and sat in my floor and cried at the memories. I relish the time that it was hard to remember who was a physical birth and who was born straight out of my heart. Those were glorious times and I miss them.
As they have grown older, the issues and baggage of their pre-adoption years have haunted and tormented them... and us on an almost daily basis. Just when we think we have turned a corner and start to celebrate a victory in healing, Satan throws another illegal, below-the-belt, blow and sends me plummeting to the floor in dazed confusion trying not to allow a knock out to occur.
The last 4 months have been some of the hardest. The last month has been the most shocking. On mornings like this, I can see, even as I am still trying to get back up off the floor, how God has been controlling the blows. They are never really wide open. They are never fully destructive as Satan wants. When I have these experiences with God as I am gasping for air in an emotional fetus position, I really see Him as Daddy-God. He is allowing me to work through the tough stuff but He's got me. He is comforting, encouraging, and yes even protecting me. He lets me go through it because He knows I can make it, but He never leaves. Even when I am not seeing Him, even when He isn't fixing the problem as I am begging Him to do, He is there.
Without rehashing the awful details, our daughter's choice to run and run and run, landed her in harms way. Things have occurred on multiple occasions and only by the grace of God is she in a safe place right now. She has a lot more damage to work through on top of her pre-adoption issues because of her choices, but clearly, God is answering our prayers for we know that right now she is under police protection in California.
We are praying every day for God to send just who she needs to speak words of truth, life, and healing to her. We are praying for daily intervention and counseling. We are praying for redemption for her. But right now, we are praising Him because we at least know that she has some protection and was rescued from her own demise and we aren't laying our heads down at night wondering where she is or if she is alive. Believe me when I say that this is a miracle, especially now knowing what we are dealing with in her victimization from her runs. Thank you Jesus. I don't know if I could have handled the next blow if that one was still so completely unknown.
We also have been down quite the journey with our oldest son. His view on life and his circumstances have been distorted and confused off and on his entire life. He came to us a broken, broken little boy and though we had many times of seeing his potential, his entire life has been speckled by the cloudiness of that broken-ness. We have walked a very long, winding, dark path with him, but we have remained with him.
During his adolescent years, he spent much time in deep counseling. Those things brought some hope and restoration to him. Some of his confusion lifted and healing began. We were blessed to watch him graduate successfully from high school, finish a semester successfully of college, and then begin his career in the military. We proudly flew to Chicago to celebrate his graduation and enjoyed one of the finest times with him as a family during his furlough.
Again, without dwelling on the details... one because Satan doesn't get that glory and two because some people that would read this wouldn't want those details for the right reasons.... things have crashed with him. He called on a couple of occasions and clearly drinking was involved. He then connected to some people who clearly aren't in his life for Godly purpose, but are being a weapon of destruction for his life, whether they know it or not (but I do believe they know it). From there a series of phone calls were made, both to us and to some other family members, revealing the awareness that any progress that was made is deteriorating at an alarming rate. His perceptions of everything in his life is in confusion, but especially involving us as his family. He is going through something we cannot understand, nor do we have the skills, ability, or desire to battle.
He vented, Todd spoke truth back to him, and he went away againfor about a month. Then last week the call came in again. at 1:00ish in the morning, my husband's phone rang. I couldn't see the phone so I woke him and said that it must be an emergency because someone was calling so late. My husband is a wise man. He looked at the phone and said he didn't recognize the number. I told him to call it back to be sure there wasn't an emergency. He went through the motions and said it was a mistake call and to not worry and get some sleep. I slept soundly that night.
The next day, in the afternoon, my husband revealed what was really occurring. The call in the wee hours was from our adopted son. Todd did recognize the number and didn't answer or call back. He said he knew that anything that time of night was trouble and he wasn't going to allow that into our home that night. He said he knew if our son was in trouble he would leave a message saying so and he would call back, but otherwise he was not going to allow another sleepless night based on what was probably a drunk call.
The next day he did speak to our son. He called and apologized to Todd for how he handled the first calls. He admitted being immature and irresponsible. Todd said he sounded sincere and Todd told him that meant a lot for him to call and apologize. They discussed the chaos of his thinking and Todd reminded him that every time he goes off on a confused tangent, it forces us into sharing more and more of the details of his journey that we have always tried to keep quiet and sheltered. They had this almost heart-felt conversation. Then out of nowhere, in his infamous way of doing things, our son threw his next blow. While asking "how is mom doing," and asking about "the family," he says suddenly, "Well, I guess you know I am changing my name. I am moving on."
Just like that. No emotion and while before and after referring to us as his parents, he says he is changing his name and disconnecting from our family. Todd handled it beautifully. He told him that we had stood by him all the way, even through all the lies and hurt. We had embraced him every single time he allowed us to, no matter what he had done and that we loved him. He said, "If this is what you need to do to find peace, then we support you 100% and wish you the very best." He said he thought it shocked our son. He said he didn't really know what to say after that. The only question he asked was, "So how is mom in all of this?" Todd told him that I was actually doing fine because we have our peace with things. He said he told him he was going to let him go now because this was his decision and we were not going to in any way try to get involved in stopping him. He reminded him that he has always known how to contact us (only Todd now,
as we don't share my number so that all calls go to Todd. Like I said, my husband is a wise man.)
When Todd shared with me, at first I was fine. I guess I wasn't surprised, really. We have spent the last several years realizing that to be shocked is to be naïve. We are no longer naïve to the reality that there is always another blow. They are not emotionally or spiritually healthy in any way. Of course we can expect hurt. They are reacting to their own pain and confusion. They can't possibly have a clear mind or clear direction when they are not walking with God. They have not embraced the life God intended for them yet, so clearly, there will be more issues.
So Todd shared and at first I was like, "Okay. Well, that will protect our other kids from anything he should do publicly. That's a good thing." That lasted about 10 minutes. Then my heart began to process and the hurt ran deep. I remember sitting in my bathroom floor crying and saying, "He did it. He got me again. He got me deeper than before." I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness on so many levels.
- He is our son... name change or not. I just wish he could embrace that he does have a family,
- He is military. A name change means we will no longer have a connection. We won't know when he deploys. We won't know if he is injured. We won't know.
- He was doing so well until he left counseling. The year without counseling has spiraled him very quickly back to a place of total confusion in his thinking.
- He has been listening and seeking support from people who can't possibly know how to be a fair voice of reason. They are empowering his sickness under the disguise of "support" and he is banking on that support that I know will not last under pressure. They aren't the kind to be there through thick and thin. Clearly.
- He is going to miss so many blessings.
- He thinks he is hurting us. Ultimately, he is hurting himself. Again. That just crushes me.
- He needs God more than ever... and doesn't even know it. That's the worst of all.
And it felt like my prayers were hitting the ceiling and bouncing back.
I hate that feeling. I hate the feeling that God is gone and the only person listening is myself. I know in my gut it isn't true, but man in my flesh, that feeling is real and it's very, very scary. I find everything so much more difficult to journey through when I can't feel God, can't see Him, can't experience personal evidence.
But then, when I least expect it, God makes Himself known and blows me away and reminds me that the tiny bit of faith I cling to when I feel that void is enough because He loves me, never leaves me, and is always going to show up in just that amazing moment I need.
We went to the show as a family last night. We saw, Grace Unplugged. We hadn't even heard anything about it, but were looking for something the whole family could see and enjoy. We all know those are few and far between these days. So we went, hoping it would be "pretty good."
GOD brought that movie here locally... for ME! I will not give away the plot or the details. I would just say, go find that movie. Watch and support it because it 110% gives the message that God is the only way! GO!!! Tell Everyone and GO!
There was a lot of the movie that moved me based on what our struggles have been with those two kids. As I sat between my precious teen son and my youngest daughter, during the time of year where I feel so painfully reconnected to my son in heaven, I rejoiced that God knew me so well that He knew I would need these precious reminders that we are on His path and He would give us joy right smack dab in our sorrow.
Then the scene came. The one that was God saying, "ROBIN... REMEMBER!" The dad is hugging the mom and looks up and says, "She is yours! SHE IS YOURS!" The movie goes on as an encouragement and hope and I walked away better than I came.
And I remembered. THEY ARE HIS. No matter what I can't control; no matter what I can't stop; no matter what lies and hurt they breed; no matter how far they wander.... THEY ARE HIS. And we are fine.
He. is. faithful.
I don't need a call telling me he changed his mind. I can get a thousand more attacking phone calls from him and those that want to embrace his lies and hurt the wrong way. It doesn't matter.
He. is. faithful.
So if you know my son and you see his name change... just know... it is well with my soul. He is going through something and it is his journey. God has set us free. We can't explain his confusion, we can't even understand it. What we understand is we are at peace. We know our God, our journey, and every moment we have walked. And we are fully and completely at peace.
I wondered what to say if people asked when we meet, how many kids. For a week, I have struggled. Last night I too looked up and said, "They are yours." And I know that my answer is as always, I have five wonderful children... whether two of them know it or not.
I pray God gives you moments like this. He wants to. I am not any more special to God than any of you. I just crave it and beg for it. When we are hungry for Him and know that it is Him we need more than anything, he just shows up.
I pray you let Him show up.
Blessings!
Robin
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