Sometimes hurting people really do hurt people

For a couple of weeks now, I have been back in this place of trying to understand things that aren't easy to understand.  Things that feel like they have been brought to a place of peace, are suddenly stirred and ugly, plus far more upsetting than they were the last time they were stirred and ugly.  Why?  That question that seems to always hit in those moments.  Why? WHY?  W-H-Y???

But as always, God is working.  When the devil is up to his same old tricks, God is up to His same old victory... we just have to wait for it.  I have been through enough, both good and bad, that I have sincerely lived God's faithfulness.  I know it.  I experience it.  So when I am shaken to the core again, in the middle of the W-H-Y's... I settle in my spirit to wait... expectantly wait for Him to do what He does, knowing it will be only in His timing.  No need to try to push it or manipulate it.  He isn't able to be manipulated.  And thank goodness for that our I would mess so many things up trying to get my W-H-Y's dealt with.

It's funny how He works.  It's funny how the answers come.  And it's funny how the heart is prepared differently for them then it would have been if the answers came even a moment sooner.  How thankful as I sit and type this tonight, to be able to recognize the God-vision in things over the  Me-vision I had at the beginning.  And how differently it makes me react.  Wow, God.  Just, wow! (I say that a lot!)

You see, about 3 weeks back, I was ready to go to war.  Some harsh things were occurring.  Things that are not new to our family, but never, no matter how many times you experience it, can you get used to it or be ready for it. And especially at this tender time of year.  September to November is so tender because of my sweet baby's birthday on September 18th (where the last one he celebrated on earth, he turned 3 years old) and his death date on November 25th.  This is the time of year I can't help but remember more than just the beautiful memories that make me smile.  I remember the details of his painful battle with illness, that was so horrible on his little body those last 18 months if his life.  I celebrate how much joy he gave and we experienced even in the midst, but this time of year, I just feel strongly, that ache that is always there.  It sort of feels fresh again somehow this time of the year.

And don't think I don't realize that Satan knows that about me.  I am more than aware that he has figured out my vulnerability in this time of the year.  Clearly, he is good at what he does.  So I am never that surprised when things get a little harder.  But even with all that awareness and experience, it still never fully prepares you for the new way he twists in his attacks.  And as much as I wish I could say I was so strong in my faith it didn't sway me, I can't.  That would be a lie.  It does... it sways me, rocks me, bends me to the near breaking point... this certain attack always, always catapults me into a gut wrenching anguish of the heart, because though the attack is all too familiar, it always takes on a new unexpected form.  This time did not deviate from the pattern of the path.

In a matter of a few texts and a phone call, we were in a place of deep sadness, confusion, anger, and heart break.  Todd and I were not surprised in one sense, but in another sense, we were completely and totally amazed... and not in a glorify God kind of way.  I went into that place of rushing into God and away from anyone else because I have found, when the kick to the gut comes, the sooner I do that, the sooner God gets to my heart and starts working it out. 

And that is what He has done.  He has worked this out for me again.  He has given me the ability to see things from a perspective that otherwise I may have missed, which has in turn effected how I respond by 100%. 

Here is what I now know.  God has given me insight into the lives of those that made that phone call.  At first, I was completely shocked.  I couldn't believe what we were hearing.  The texts were enough to be surprised, but that phone call... man.  But then, through God, some situations were brought to light of those behind that phone call and God calmed my heart.  He whispered, "Robin, just take it.  Don't fight back.  Don't react.  Just take it.  Sometimes hurting people really do hurt people."

I have heard that statement before.  I wish I knew who originally said it, but it's been around.  And I have seen it over and over.  But this time, the clarity in which God opened my eyes is unbelievable. I no longer see the vicious image in my mind that I did that first night or week.  Instead, I see the mask... the alcohol induced, raging mask... that is hiding the pain in their own lives. 

Social media can be friend or foe.  Depends on how it is used.  But no matter how others use it, God can always use it to continue His plan for those of us that seek Him.  And it was through social media that God said, "Robin, just look... look at what is behind what you just experienced."  When I read what I read from the mouths of their own children, exactly when God intended me to read it, my heart of anger and hurt changed instantly.  I found myself praying for this family and for the pain they are in, that is causing them to try to find a way to exercise pain outward to others.   I have forgiven them... and I am praying about how to write it to them. I am waiting on God for that too though... I know Satan and if God hasn't prepared the timing, what I intend for good, Satan will try to tear apart!

What God has granted the now- time for, however, is this blog post.  Here is what I know I can say today... to anyone who wants to read this... for whatever reason...

Matthew 7:3-5 says, Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. 

I wanted so badly to react when that phone call came in.  I was already praying about the texts we had received.  But because God is faithful and I have learned (the hard way many times because I am stubborn and foolish in my flesh) to wait on God, I came to Him.  I cried, yelled, and wrestled the matter out with God.  He is always a good God to let me do that.  And He uses just enough force to make me submit, but not to break me.  I love Him so much!

When I was trying so hard to deal with the ridiculousness of the situation,  God was submitting me and forcing me to look inward.  He was saying, "Robin, don't deal with their speck... let's deal with your log!" 

Ouch.  OUCH.  O-U-C-H!

So today, I sit before you and confess, in my flesh I want to tell you all the reasons these people need to be given a good tongue thrashing.  I want to shout out all the lies and difficulties they have in their lives and how they are living such a fake existence.  I did.  And  in all honesty, in some ways I still do.

But God reminded me that though they are way off base about anything they are a part of in that area right now, I have my own log.  Who really has the time or desire to deal with the speck, when the log can take you down and drowned you in your own sin? 

Every day I have to work on the log. In my flesh and blood, though I feel God is molding me a little better every day, I still have the log to work on.  I can't forget that just because someone's speck seems like a whole stinking forest sometimes. 

So to these that are broken in their journey, for reasons I have no control over, I am praying for you.  I love you in spite of your anger that you aimed at me because you need somewhere to aim.  And I am truly praying that God will reach your hardened heart..... all while I am praying that God will never allow my heart to harden no matter how hurtful the world can be. 

You see why I am relying only on God?  Who could do those two above requests on our own? 

My final thought... I know who I am.  I know who my family is.  I know what we do and why we do it.  I know what we have lived.  I know where our heart is on each circumstance, both good and bad in our lives.  And if you know us at all, you know those things as well.  Remember them.  Mostly, just remember Christ who is in us. 

If someone needs to hurt people because they are hurting, then I am thankful God can use us to receive some of that... because we are strong enough in Him to endure.  Others might not be. 

I am praying for my broken adopted children.  I am praying for their minds and hearts.  And I am praying for those that come in and out of their lives, because not everyone has the strength to seek clarity and really are just looking to aim their own hurt at someone else.  Hurting people, sometimes hurt people... and spiritually-unhealthy, hurting people seem to find other spiritually-unhealthy, hurting people that keep them swirling rather than embracing the victory God really does have for every single one of us.  That is probably one of the saddest realizations of all.

Thankfully, I have Jesus and many in my life that do as well... so that when we are hurting, God keeps us in check....

Now go love those that will let you... this time of year, I remember very vividly, how my sweet, but very, very sick little boy spread joy in his hurts.  Thanks Tuffy, for the vivid memories of how to live NO MATTER what life brings!


Robin