painful revelation I really didn't want.....

Well, today has been one of the sweetest days so far this break... but with a bittersweet moment mixed in. It probably didn't help that I started the day off emotional because some punk decided to help themselves to my handmade Santa Stop wood Christmas decor that my DADDY made me for the first year I had a baby at Christmas.  I already griped about it on FB, but hey, this is my blog so I guess I can do it again, right?  I was so upset about it.  I don't know if I was more sad or mad.  Out of everything they could have taken, they took the one thing with the most meaning.  As a friend said today, "How do thieves always know what will be most painful?" 

Anyway, so I am sure I am more emotional than normal because of that... but still.  What I am about to write about causes my heart to overflow with beaming pride, but also feel all squished and scared at the same time.  Some of you may not understand this when I am done.  You may think, THAT is what she made a ruckus over?  But some of you, especially you moms or someone that has experienced this on a personal level somehow, will totally understand.  Maybe you can tell me how to prepare!  Because I am telling you, even with this being child number 5, I am NOT prepared.  No child is the same, my family is proof.  Every single one of my kids march to very different drums.  Therefore, child number 1 or child number 5, or any in between, it's like parenting for the first time.  Who's with me on this?

Okay so to the point... I am even dragging out typing about it... that says a LOT!  But here goes.  For the last few days, my youngest, whom I lovingly refer to as my Dramatic Flair... because there is no other name more fitting, not even the one given at birth....has been intensely... and I mean INTENSELY... working on a drawing for every single child in her classroom.  She has been very particular about each and every picture and truly made it designed around who those kids really are.  At first I thought it was so sweet.  Then I thought it was down right cute.  But today, as she finished the last one and had me sit down so that she could share each and every one with me, I realized it is so much more!  SO MUCH MORE!

You see, as she began to go through each one of the precious drawings, she would begin to tell me the story of the picture and why it belonged to the named child.  The more I listened to her share, the more the tears began to build.  I was doing all I could to hold them back because first of all, I didn't want to interrupt her share time.  She was so excited!  But also, I didn't want to rob her innocence from the adult realizations I was having.  She is young and oh so pure at heart.  She is not ready for what was making want to cry.  But I have spent the rest of today pondering it and I just have to write.  I have to.  I will EXPLODE if I don't!

First of all, what hit me so hugely was how absolutely beautiful my daughter's heart is.  These drawings are true labors of love.  But what makes them so remarkable, is the realization of how intentional she has been about really KNOWING her classmates.  She could tell me very detailed things about each one of them and their likes and dislikes.  I fell in love with my daughter all over today because of how God made her heart so big and so genuine towards those she shares life with.  I rejoice over that.

But then, I began to really fight tears because I have lived a lot longer than her and as I was watching her eyes dance with joy about each and every paper, the thought hit me.... "Which one of those kids is going to hurt her first over this?  Which one is not going to see the deep love and time and dedication she put into these drawings and cast it off and break her heart?"  I pray it doesn't happen, but the reality is, there is always one.  As I watched her go through them so gleefully, I began to pray, "Lord, don't let her realize when the one doesn't appreciate it.  Lord shield her heart.  Oh dear Lord, don't let this innocence begin to fade just yet!  Dear God, let even one who sees it as no big deal, at least have a moment of gratitude towards her."  Somehow, I just feel like she might get wounded.  She has shared of some comments made just before Christmas from kids blurting out hurtful things to others.  That all came crashing in as I watched her excitement grow at the idea of giving each classmate something special just from her. 

I hugged her so much at the end she finally said, "Well Mama?" and laughed at me.  I guess I was trying to hug her deep enough to put up a barrier of protection and a shield of love in case.  I think I was somehow trying to let her know strongly enough how great her heart and effort was that even if someone was unkind upon receiving their gift from her, she wouldn't even notice.  I didn't want to let go. 

I went back out to face the mountain of leaves the wonderful Christmas rain brought down.  Lots of thinking time out there.  So many things rolling through my head.  In some ways I hesitate to write the rest of this.  I don't want it to be a guilt thing or a sad thing.  My goodness, my girl is one of the happiest, most content girls I have ever, ever met.  I don't want pity.  Remember, I write because I have to prevent my heart from exploding.  This is my therapy!  So, though I hesitate for the above stated reasons, write on I must... and like always, it has to be authentic.  To stop short tonight would not be what this blog has ever been.  So... here goes the rest.

I realized today that it is Tuesday of our second week of vacation and except for the couple of events that I have planned, she has had zero play date requests.  Zero.  She is this amazing, fun-loving, giving, girl who spends hours finding a way to bless people, and not one child has called.  Now the reason that is a big deal most of all, is because of a sweet book she just wrote a few weeks ago about her "BFFL" otherwise known as "Best Friend For Life!". 

She and this boy have been friends since birth.... okay so her mom and I are the best of friends and our kids didn't have a choice in the newborn stages.  They are exactly two months apart and have been together from the beginning.  We started the bond, but let me tell you, by 2 years old, their own connection took over and they have this amazing friendship that is even enduring the miles... from both sides.  His mom will text or call and tell me some precious, out of the blue comment he has made that demonstrates how much he still loves her.  For example, he had some out of town family coming in to watch him play baseball one weekend.  His mom asked, "If you could pick anyone in the world to be coming, who would it be?"  He chose my girl!  My little girl writes stories about him, talks about what she wants to do when she sees him next, and would live on facetime with him if she could.  They adore each other in the most purest of ways!

So today, as I realized there have been no play date requests, my heart just ached because back home it would have been daily with her BFFL and a few other special friends.  I sent the kids in for a break for a while and I sat down in the middle of the leaves and just thought.  What does that mean?  And why does it hurt ME so much when she is as happy as a lark.  I knew as quick as I wondered it... because I have lived long enough to feel my own pain and rejection and I just flat don't want it for my kids... any of them.  It is painful and cruel and some of the hardest emotions to endure.  I must have been a sight sitting right there in the middle of the leaves, crying in my front yard.  The neighbors probably held a meeting about what to do about the crazy neighbor!... oh no... they love me because they are crazy too! ;)

After a few minutes of some full on tears, I pulled my boot straps up (okay so I was wearing flip flops as usual... it just doesn't have the same effect to say I pulled my flip flops on) and started sorting through the emotions to get to the realities.  Here is where I landed....

1.  It is harder for her to have play dates because all of her friends live in neighborhoods together and we do not live there.  She goes to school where I teach not where we live.  Though it isn't far, it is far enough that we can't just get on a bike and go outside to play.  That makes a difference.

2.  It is Christmas and some people have family in and others have gone back to work.  I still realize I do a lot of the planning anyway... but I like it that way!  I enjoy kids! 

3.  It is a gift really... to have her home without others calling and stealing our time.  The older they get, the busier they get.

4.  How precious to know that even at such a young age, she can hold onto such a tender friendship.  If she only has one true best friend her entire life, she is blessed.  Today was another reason to be thankful for the friends God has given us that will last a lifetime!

5.  Todd and I need to revisit when we will make the jump to the neighborhood school.  I don't think it will be next year, but it could be by 4th grade (as much as I hate to say that out loud!  I LOVE having her at my school every day! I would miss her beyond belief!).  It is really important, especially for girls, to have strong friendships.  There are kids all over our neighborhood, but with the way the world is, it is hard to release her to go where I am not familiar. The kids near us are not her age... a little older, a little younger.  The ones her age live further away, a block here or there.  Just tougher without knowing them in any way or having any kind of feel about them from school.  So like it or not, I have to revisit that question often.

6.  Keep it all in perspective.  She is very well liked.  I see her every day and she has a ton of friends.  In time, God will provide that special circle of friends that stick together like glue!  God has plans for her and they are plans for GOOD!  My favorite verse!  I quoted it just today to another friend that needed encouragement.  I know this is true and God will provide for her tender heart.  My job is to relax and enjoy the ride.

7.  Remember to not let things that have been my experience become a fear factor for my kids.  We all have lived a lot of life... even my kids, between the death of their sweet brother, the older ones struggles with pre-adoption hardships, the move, and etc.... but it should not be used to taint the beauty of today.  It should be a remembrance of how God sees us through all things. 

I pulled myself together, we finished the mounds... and mounds... and mounds... and mounds... and MOUNDS of leaves... AGAIN (But I do love trees and they were stunning when changing colors!) and enjoyed an evening at home together.  I am blessed by my children, my family, and my God.  And I am blessed by friends. My son just thanked God for his group of friends.  God provides.  My daughter is just fine!  She really is... and therefore so am I!   Crisis averted... yet again!

At one point, I caught her upstairs playing on her bed... as if she had her ten friends up there again.  I gotta admit... sometimes that is the best play of all... her mind is WILD with imagination, her play involves no power struggle or arguing, and she for sure isn't one bit lonely.  Get over it mom!  This is a GREAT season in her life!  She will be back on the playground, laughing at dance class, and playing her little heart out.  I have NOTHING to worry about. 

And if someone doesn't appreciate that labor of love that started all of this... I really don't think it will affect her nearly as much as the ones that rejoice in it with her.  She LIVES for those moments... and she will be blessed!

Don't know what your day held... or what is hurting your heart tonight.  We all have something.  Some of us have many things.  Some are small and annoying, some are like the world has just caved in on us and we are suffocating.  But if we can just sit down for a moment in a pile of leaves... express it honestly to our loving Father, the Holy Spirit will do His interceding and suddenly, the sun comes out on the hurt and the darkness slips away.  That is my prayer for anyone who had the courage... or time... to read this thing out.  I would love to hear from you if you did... I would love for you all to burn up my comments with how the sun...
SON.... slipped in for you today!

Our future is so bright... we GOTTA WEAR SHADES!  (Oh man!  I just aged myself didn't I?)

Robin