I STINK at letting go...

Okay.... I have FIVE children.  FIVE.  You would think by the last one, I would have this thing down.  But let me tell you, this morning proved yet again... I do NOT have this thing down.  I was there when all my older ones learned to ride their bike... (other than my sweet Eathan since he went to heaven at 3 but don't kid yourself, if I would have let him, he would have tried it and probably mastered it at 1!)... so you would think I would be cool with my youngest finally mastering this skill.  I am thrilled she is... and did... but outside of the safety of a no-traffic parking lot, I am a mess.  A. TOTAL. MESS.  She isn't going to get hurt because of her... she is going to get hurt because of ME!  I FREAK... if I think she wobbles and could fall... I yelp.  If I think she is starting to seem like she is angled towards a parked car, I screech.  And if the sound of a car is heard within MILES.... I flat out panic! 

And that got me to thinking...

Why is letting her go on her bike so hard for me?  I think because, like all other milestones she is hitting along the path, it is one more step towards letting go... of her... and I STINK at letting go!  I hear parents all the time talking about how they have just a few more years until freedom. I don't get that.  At all.  I love my kids.  I love being with them.  I enjoy them. I thrill in seeing them live their lives and become who they are supposed to become.  And I cannot imagine when I can't be there daily anymore.  They don't own my world.  I do have a life outside of them.  But I love them and they are pure joy to my everyday life...okay,  most of the time and the idea of this phase of parenting drawing to a close... whew, those tears can flow!

Just ask Seth!  When I picked him up from church camp this year, I was so glad to see him.  I wrote him a letter about some things that came to heart while he was at camp.  When we began to talk about camp and my letter, I ended up crying... the full on, ugly cry.  He was so quiet and trying so hard not to look at me like I was crazy.  That finally made me laugh. 

He asked, "Mom, why are you sad?"  I told him I was so proud of who he is, who he is becoming, and that I am excited to see where the road leads God has him on.  But I told him that I know how fast it goes once High School begins, and in my soul, I know God is going to be taking him places and doing things with him and I am already missing what I know I will miss in the day to day adventures of having him here with me.  He smiled his beautiful smile and gave me this look, through those gorgeous blue eyes, that was so affirming.  He seemed to say without saying, "Mom, I will always have room for you in my life."  I will cling to that look... always!
But today, seeing her ride her big girl bike, all the way around the block with her "Bubba", it was another one of those moments of "this is going to fast!".  So I begin to panic at the wobble of a wheel, at the serve of the tire, or at the sound of a car from miles away.  "She isn't ready!  SHE ISN'T READY!" is what my heart was crying out.  It is so exciting to see her grow.  But she is my LAST... my BABY... and she is riding a BIG GIRL BIKE... in the STREET... with CARS sometimes around! 

The reality... I am not ready!  I want to slow things down, cling to every breath they take, and let's be honest... I want to control them, because then I feel I have a better chance of keeping them safe and protected.  Boy is there a lesson in that...

Can you imagine if that is how God treated us?  What if He was this God that didn't allow us to try things and grow and explore?  What kind of people would we be?  We would exist in am entire world like that of those countries our country fights wars to prevail against... where a dictator stifles every existence beyond his control...and we would cease to have flavor, color, and worst of all, joy!  God knew in order for us to reach our full potential in Him, with color, flavor, and unspeakable joy,  He had to let us go in order that we might find our way back. 

I want to be like that for my children.  I am working hard at it.  It just doesn't come easily.  So today, as I watch her ride her big girl bike, against my very nature, I am letting her go... and trusting God to bring her home.

And in the same sense, He has let me go, and because I have trusted Him... He will bring me HOME as well.

Off to do some more screeching, and yelping, and letting go....

See ya on the blacktop!

Robin