I've got the FEVER!!!!

Well, I made it through the weekend and slowly but surely got back to being something other than sad.  Still can't believe Hotie is gone and not sure I will REALLY realize it until I am back in Amarillo, wanting to see him, and he isn't there to be seen.  But I have spent the weekend smiling about him.  Amazing isn't it, how our furry friends give so much to life.  Isn't God GOOD to let us have pets?  How much happiness they bring to our lives.  I know some people don't like animals, but I have to admit, I just flat don't understand it.  I am really glad I am one that does like them.  It just adds a sweetness.  Oh, how I miss my Hotie. 

And then Monday came.  Mondays are never really my favorite day of the week.  Call me selfish, but I kinda like my time with family.  I love my job.  Love, love, love the kids I teach and the people I work with, but I love my family and there just isn't enough time on the weekends to be with them as much as my heart desires.  So Mondays come around a little too fast.

But this Monday was even less welcome.  I had to head downtown with Seth for a neurology appointment.  One that I hadn't expected to need just a few weeks back and one that sort made me have to face the fact that something was/is going on with him.  But even worse, I had to head downtown in the rush hour traffic.  Pa-uuuukkkeee!  Those are absolutely two things I could have avoided my whole life and been just fine. 

But like it or not, I had to go and I had to go at that time, so why not make the most of it, right?  When we walked outside, I just wanted to faint!  It was beyond fabulous out there!  If I could market the perfect weather day, this day, all day, would be what I would petition as my choice.  There wasn't a hint of hot to the air all day.  There wasn't a hint of cold to the air all day.  It was just... well... perfect.  No humidity, no wind, just enough sun and just enough clouds, birds were singing, squirrels were hopping, and it smelled fresh and new.  As soon as I got in the car, the sunroof opened.  I might not could avoid this drive, but I could avoid missing what God had sent today by letting it flood in over us as we drove.  Amazingly, I thought about the weather and its spectacularness more than I thought about the heavy traffic of the appointment that awaited us.  Seth leaned back in his seat and did what normal teens do early in the morning, he went back to sleep.  I turned my music up, and I had church on the interstate. 

By the time we arrived, my spirit was in the condition it needed to be to prevent vulnerability to Satan.  He has been working on me off and on since we found out the CT scan meant we needed to see a neurologist.  He knows my weakness is by far the fear of another sweet child falling ill.  Not flu ill, but Eathan kind of ill.  He has brought moment after moment throughout our lives of attack on my children.  I hate it... more than anything else, I hate when he messes with my children.

But today, I just laughed in his face because God sent me this glorious day to soak in the newness and do church in my car next to a snoozing teen who obviously had zero concern at all about the appointment while he disappeared into dreamland.  Somehow, because of the kind of day it was, I was able to lose myself in my own moments on that highway, and all the things that I might have been thinking about, worrying about, wondering about, were just not able to make it in past the day God gave. I loved it.  Traffic didn't back up, we made it in plenty of time, found a parking spot right away (of which a lady and her child arrived after us, but had an appointment before us, and I heard her apologizing about how bad the parking was for her.  She should have done church on the way.  I know that is why I had a spot... up close... and instant upon arrival.  He blessed me for focusing on him and not the dread or fear or worry or what if's), and was able to take my time on the paper work and not feel so rushed.  I was able to really focus on what I needed to communicate on the forms on those critical areas and I was able to do it in a calm manner. 

The mornings events continued and didn't stay quite as smooth once the discussions came about as the rest of the day had been, but what I notice as I look back on it, is how well I handled myself, and even more, how well Seth handled himself through them. Neither of us were hearing things at all that we wanted to hear.  Neither of us were getting the answers we wanted to get.  But both of us were rolling with the punches and coming out okay.  At one point, I remember sitting there watching Seth and the doctor communicate and I felt so proud of Seth.  He was straightforward, honest, and most importantly, willing to listen.  When the doctor said, "I am sorry, son, but we have to pull you immediately from all contact sports" I saw Seth's eyes and they were windows that revealed his heart break.  Mine broke too.  But he sat there with his Godly spirit shining, and I could tell he was thinking, "It's okay.  God knows."  He took it... well... like a MAN.  (and THAT kind of broke MY heart... in a GOOD way! How in the world can he be so grown, so young? And how did he get from those chubby toddler legs that walked way too soon, to this?)  We went through the rest of the events and tests, went through scheduling and preparing for the next phases, and headed out, both of us, somehow, still okay. 

I don't feel scared.  I still feel peaceful.  He doesn't seem overwhelmed and angry.  We were both sad.  It wasn't what we hoped, but still yet, there was peace.  We talked a lot about his music after we left.  The two most important things in Seth's life after God and family, is his sports and his music.  He is so excited about all he has accomplished already in music and has dreams about the future.  He has big dreams in his sports as well, but obviously today wasn't a day to talk about those.  So he just pulled up his boot straps and talked about his music.  We listened to things on you tube.  He sang to me on the drive, and we just felt good.

I had to miss a full day because we weren't done in time to get back for the half day point, so we had a little while to ourselves.  We went and sat at Chipolte's and just hung out.  It rocked.  It ROCKED.  We talked about a little of nothing the whole time, but it was just fun.  He wasn't down like I thought he would be, I wasn't down like I thought I would be, and I know it is because God was there before the news came giving us what we needed to be ready.  Coming off a hard, hard weekend of sadness, I would say to anyone wishing to argue, "How in the WORLD can you deny God as a good, good God when He can make a hard Monday after a super hard weekend of losing the last precious thing that was Tuffy's, nothing but peaceful in the midst of all of that? You are CRAZY to deny Him!  He is so, so real!  SO REAL!" 

You know, our family has had a lot of hits along the way.  And we have had a lot of judgement along the way as well.  People that don't understand the adoption issues.  People that judged how I grieved.  People that didn't know facts about illnesses and made wrong statements.  People that pretended to know things they didn't know and cause chaos from that.  And even had a couple of people show up at the hospital where Eathan was fighting for his life and accuse us of some unconfessed sin that was MAKING our son ill?  Can you believe that? 

But honestly, when I look at our journey, even though I have lived every moment, I have to admit, it is pretty overwhelming.  We have taken some pretty serious hits along the way.  It is a lot.  And sometimes I can get into a pity party about it all.  But then I find something in scripture about Paul's long persecution and beheading, or I read of my precious PERFECT Savior and all He endured, and I am humbled into thinking, why NOT me?  Why NOT us?  Maybe, just maybe, we HAVE to go through things one right after another because there is that one person that keeps thinking that surely we will lose faith if just one more thing happens.  I don't know why it is like it is.  I don't know why today that doctor didn't say, "Aww, he's fine.  He's just growing."  It's what I wanted to hear.  What every mom would want to hear.  But it isn't what we heard.  But should I complain? Is THAT why God allowed it?  Because He wanted me to have the RIGHT to complain?  I think not.

I am pretty sure my God is WAY better than that.  He promised me and my family and all of you, a FUTURE and a HOPE (Jer. 29:11-13).  He promised to use all things for the GOOD for those that love Jesus (Romans 8:28).  He promised me more than I could ever explain in one blog.... even if I wrote for days.  So I don't get the difficult things.  But what I do get is that we have had such a blessed, blessed life.  We laugh daily.  We have fun daily.  We truly enjoy life.  Even in my darkest hours and days and weeks and months after losing Eathan on earth, I had a blessed life because of the rest of my family.  It is amazing how, when I keep my focus clear, the hard days are really just hard moments in the day because the day itself always has something beautiful. 

I don't know what you are going through.  I don't know what your troubles are.  What I know is I am not the only one with troubles.  And certainly, when I watch the news of Egypt or see a picture of a wounded soldier from war, or look into the eyes of a precious child stricken with some dark disease like cancer, I know I am not nearly as troubled as others around me.  And best of all, I am not even a drop in the bucket troubled as those without my Jesus. 

Tonight, my prayer is that whatever your troubles, you will find your way to the cross.  It doesn't make the problems go away.  Matter of fact, sometimes it makes them harder because Satan doesn't like us loving Jesus, but man does it ever make it easier to endure.  When you know THIS will ALL pass away and one day, we will be sitting at the feet of Jesus... I mean can you see it... the FEET of JESUS!!!!  The most famous man ever to walk the earth!... then whatever troubles fall on us, become so much less because they are so.... LESS!  He is MORE!!!!

Okay... must go bath my dramatic flair!  Everyone seems to have Justin Beiber Fever.  Today... I am totally and completely stricken with JESUS FEVER!  Join me?

Robin