Heartbreak... man sometimes life just hurts!

It has been a while since I have had a chance to blog.  Life has been crazy busy lately.  But tonight, even with my house filled with teens watching movies, I have to write... before my heart explodes.  Some people might not understand the depth of the sadness.  But those people just haven't known loss like I have, or had a heart to understand loss others experience.  I don't write for anyone else tonight.  I write to help my heart... because it hurts, very, very much, it hurts.

Everyone knows how hard moving was for us.  We loved our home, our family, our friends, our church, our land, our animals.  We loved our life in Amarillo.  We have been so grateful for our new life down here and we love how God has created a whole new circle of love in our lives.  Everything has adjusted and felt good other than we do miss our family, friends, and animals from home. I have never regretted the pain of missing everything so much though.  To me that is proof that we are living life the way God intended... surrounded in love by and for others. 

One of the most difficult things about leaving Amarillo was having to leave Eathan, our sweet Tuffy's,  resting place.  It was my personal sanctuary.  I could go sit out there and leave the world behind and just do business with God.  I felt so peaceful there.  It was a place not to be sad, but to be close to God in a way that is beyond understanding.  It always became Holy ground.  God would always, always meet me there.  Sometimes He hugged me in the warmth of the sun.  Sometimes He refreshed me from the movement of the wind.  Lots of times He held me in the stillness of the sounds.  And sometimes He chastised me in the rawness of reality.  But always, He was there. 

I know, I know, He is everywhere.  I get that.  But that was "our" place.  It was something for me and Him and sometimes my whole family, that no one else entered into except for the precious blessings of remembrances that would be dropped off from time to time to remember our sweet son.  I knew when we drove off in that U Haul, I would miss that place more than I could even fathom at the time. 

And as time has gone on, I have done exactly that.  When I get home, it is one of the first places I want to go.  And it is one of the last places I want to be before I leave to come back to our new home.  Its not that I am holding on to his death.  Good grief... he isn't DEAD!  He is with Christ!  I just love to sit and remember.  And when I remember, I am so tender to Christ because Christ is so dear to me in what He has done for my son, and will do for me one day when I too cross into eternity.  I am so thankful for my precious days here, but some days, I just long for Heaven.  And today is certainly one of those days.  And because of that, I miss that place so very, very much.  My heart is hurting deeply and somehow I just know if I could go sit a while at Eathan's place, I would feel better.  But I can't.  And it hurts.

I mentioned earlier that we left our animals behind.  Any of you that know me, knows how much my animals mean.  I think my job in heaven will be rocking babies and petting animals.  Me and Brother Bob, my sweet pastor that loved on us so much through our journey with Eathan, may very well argue over who gets to take care of Jesus' beautiful white horse.  No doubt in my mind, animals will be there.  No doubt!  God's word says so!  Jesus is coming back on one, of course!

We brought our dogs, but our horses and our sweet Hotie were left behind.  We have no land here and haven't been able to make sense of the cost of hauling them right now when half our house is still up there in storage.  I miss the horses, but that donkey... he has been most missed.  Many of you know, but some may not, that donkey, our Hotie, belonged souly to Tuffy.  He was precious and loved and spoiled as they come.  Never doubt that God blesses in any form because that donkey of ours was God's blessing to our son in some of his hardest days.

I remember so many times, getting Eathan home for just a short while from the hospital, and out we would go to ride our Hotie.  He was as gentle as a lamb and it was as if he always knew precious cargo was on his back!  When Eathan was too sick to do much at all, we knew we had to find something to bring him joy as a child should have.  That joy was Hotie. After we lost Eathan, I would stand out in our barn and brush him for hours.  It was the best grief therapy I had.  I would brush and cry and brush and cry and brush and cry.  At some point, I always ended up holding his face and looking into his gentle eyes.  I promise there were days he cried with me.  He missed him too.

So to leave him behind killed me.  I can't tell you how many times I have cried, missing my Hotie.  After a few months, I knew just having someone feed him and the horses wasn't enough.  They needed love in our absence.  We called the perfect family.  They are sweet friends of ours and have a precious special needs daughter.  She loves horses already and we knew she would love our Hotie.  We knew the whole family would.  We got him to them and though I missed him all the time, I would still smile thinking about that sweet girl loving on him. 

A time came a few months back and I felt strongly that I should tell them I didn't think it would be right to take Hotie from her.  I honestly felt like that was Hotie's job... to be with only the most special of children.  Their daughter is a precious sweetheart that I have loved for a long time.  I came to terms with the idea that I would share Hotie's love and I would see him when I came back home.  My next trip is the summer and I have plans to stay a while... plenty of time for Hotie time!

I got word today that in the warmth of the sun today, Eathan's sweet donkey laid down, soaked up the sun, and took his last breath.  It crushed my heart.  To have something so precious to Eathan die is like a part of Eathan died again.  I already lost his sweet puppy.  I blogged about Hope, his puppy and watch keeper during his final days, early on.  That was one tough loss.  But I had Hotie.... I still had something.  But today, the last of the the things that helped us bring Eathan joy on his difficult journey, slipped away. 

Somehow, tonight, my grief has flooded back.  I had diversion for a little while after I found out, but now, I am just so very, very sad.  I have never needed to brush an animal so bad in my life as I do right now.  I want to run out to the barn, grab a brush and cry.  And I want to come around and hold his face and see his gentle, understanding eyes.

To some it is just an animal.  To me, it is the last of my son's life.  Everything is truly now all just a memory.  And that hurts in a way even I don't understand.  I miss him as if I brushed him yesterday.  And I am sad because I didn't. 

I am so thankful for our friends that did brush him and love him.  And I am praying for their sweet, sweet daughter that loved him like Eathan did.  Sweet God, comfort her. 

Yes, tonight I am very, very, very sad. 

But... JOY comes in the morning..... so I will wait and allow it to return.

Robin