Who knew what would come from Cookie sales!

So today we hit the pavement again... with me totally and completely OUT of my element AGAIN... for the sake of Girl Scout Cookie Sales.  As we walked along the street holding hands, I found myself far more into how it felt to walk along the street holding hands with my "growing up way to fast" little girl, than those darn cookies.  And I have to admit, to be such an outgoing person who really isn't afraid of much of anything or anyone, something about selling things just sends me into un-comfort-ville.  I feel my heart pound, pulse race, and almost have beads of sweat appear on my forehead, as I watch my little Dramatic Flair approach the next available door.  In all honesty, there is no telling how many times I have thought, "Forget it!  We will just order them all ourselves!  I would rather go broke than feel like I am forcing people to buy something they may not really want!"  But then reality hits and I realize... oh wait!  One can't GO broke when one is ALREADY broke!  (okay so maybe we aren't REALLY broke.. but seriously, who can buy 400 girl scout cookies and it not hurt the pocket book?  Yes, I said 400!  That's her goal.  Not too ambitious or anything is she?)So up to the next door we go... knock, knock... heart pounding, pulse racing....

Funny thing about it, my little first grader has no reservations.  None.  She has a goal.  She knows her purpose.  And she means business.  She approaches every door in total confidence and total assurance that surely EVERYONE will want at least ONE box.  I find it quite amazing, really, to watch her in action. She is totally oblivious to the fact that I am behind her about to pass out from guilt that we even knocked in the first place.  She is just doing what she needs to do to reach her goals.  She is honest, to the point, and cuter than the word cute can describe.  And it is quite effective, mind you!  And it got me to thinking.... 

When I realize how she sees the world, I am overwhelmed with such a deep sense of gratitude.  It is innocence in its rarest form.  She has yet to realize that the world is a cruel place and people can be the cruelest part.  She has a confidence in people that is beautiful.  Maybe THAT is what makes my heart pound the most.  I have lived long enough, and experienced different people enough to know that at some point, someone is going to crush her... for no good reason.  It may not be in the cookie sales, but it will come. It will.  It has to my other kids... and unless Jesus comes for us quickly, it will to her.  But for now, she is innocent and has no idea that at any given point, someone could decide to be ugly to her, for simply knocking at the door. 

And that got me to thinking about people.  I am a people person.  I love people... and I love them deep.  I love people I know closely and spend time with.  I love people that I used to know and reconnect with in one form or another.  I love people I work with, go to church with, live near.  I love people that are cherished friends and family.  I love people that are acquaintances.  I love people that are stable and seem to have things going in the right direction.  And I really love people that are broken and falling apart.  I love people.  It's part of my "fearfully and wonderfully made" God design.  He made me to love people.  And I am glad.  I am glad that when I see a little child at my door, I would rather give them my last 10 dollars than send them away with no for an answer.  I am thankful that I see through disabilities and see amazingly unique people in the children I teach.  I am humbled at how God allows me to become far more blessed by those I "help" in Mexico, in homeless shelters, on street corners, than I ever bless... because He created me to love people. I love people and it is a wonderful, wonderful thing.

But I have to confess, as I watch my little girl in her innocence, I realized clearly today, just how much every hurt and disappointment, robs me of that uninhibited love that I see so freely flow from her.  Why on earth would I be afraid about her asking someone to buy Girl Scout cookies, if I hadn't experienced the pain of unwarranted cruelness?  I would still be like her, were it not for what I have experienced along the path of loving people so deeply.  It is not that she is a sales person and I am not.  It is that she loves people and has yet to come to understand that unfortunately, sometimes they refuse to love you back.  So tonight, my heart feels strangely sad because I hurt to think of the day she really does understand that for the first time.   And it has stirred up remembrances of when my older children came to understand that as well.  And THAT really stirred some things up for me.

You see, I have two children that I don't think ever had the innocence.... EVER.  I know, that sounds impossible.  But remember, some of my children are adopted.  As I reflect over when my kids hearts broke over people, I realize yet again so clearly, my adopted children's began to break before they could even hold their heads up.  Their starts were harsh, cruel reminders that people fail people... even their own flesh and blood.  And to this day, there are consequences that are ever present that scream of the pain that brings.  I have come to a place of true forgiveness of their biological donors (I don't know them at all as my kids were adopted through CPS and the termination once they were placed occurred swiftly and justly, requiring only one meeting for the kids to say goodbye), but I have to admit, it is a daily process at times.  The pain of people crushing hearts has spilled over into our world and has caused crushing of hearts in our home as well as they have grown into adolescence. 

And then I think of my sweet Tuffy.  I think of the innocence he had that was never lost... and NEVER will be lost.  What joy to my soul.  What a gift in the ongoing, missing-him moments, to realize he never had to come to terms with the pain people can bring.  He is home in the place where people are loved more than we can ever, ever understand... forever.  And oddly, tonight as I try to prepare my heart to help another child when the moment comes where someone crushes her sweet heart for the first time, I find myself thankful he is gone.  The world is harsh... he doesn't have to know.  His disease was difficult enough, how thankful I am he never has to know that something hurts even worse than that....

I think some people don't read my blog because it has a tone of heaviness.  People don't always feel comfortable with the "hard" things.  But I have found, my sweetest dwellings are when I embrace the hard things, the pain, the let downs, the fears, the storms, the rejections and hurts of people, and realize... in the midst of it all... I have JOY.  How can anyone argue the gift of GOD when I have JOY through every storm.  And it isn't something I can explain.  How can anyone deny God?  All I know is they truly, just have never known Him.  And that has to be the saddest thing I could ever, ever imagine.  Because I am living proof, that just ONE taste of Him and you can never live without Him again.  The world is dark, cold, and cruel.  Each of us hurt and gets hurt.  It's called "FLESH".  But God is always there, whispering hope into our hurt, and joy resides.  It's the most remarkable thing I have ever known or will know.

So we sold the cookies, I survived outside my comfort zone of watching her ask, for another day... and I am joyful even though I have been hurt, my children have been hurt, and my youngest has it coming... somehow, someway... because it is life in the fallen world.  Thank you God for Eathan and his indescribable joy in his pain that was the purest reflection of You I have ever known.  And thank you, though I miss him all the time, that he will never, ever have his heart crushed.  And thank you that while the rest of us do, you are holding that crushed heart and breathing your healing breath into every broken, beating fragmented piece until it is better than it was before the hurt.  That astounds me and proves to me over and over You ARE who You say You are!  Thank you that you take care of every need, near and far, for your glory, if we simply trust.  And thank you that Heaven is real... and promised to us all... we just have to claim the gift!

Hugs to PEOPLE tonight... we all need it!

Robin