Joy

This week I have had many things I am reflecting.  Many.  I have been blessed to be a part of an experience professionally that really brought about some deep reflections.  I have had some needed conversations.  I have gone through some special sentimental things.  I have had some private things shared with me from the teens that come to our home a lot that is deep and personal and heavy.  And I have been deep in the word, both for myself and for the bible study I was having with the teens in my home tonight.  One particular thing has kept recurring in my thoughts through all of this... its the three letter word of JOY. 

I had a friend mention the word this week and the conversation we had spurred me to really dig again into what JOY is.  I am profoundly grateful for God's word that I can use to really line up what I know as truth and that is to what I will write of tonight.  What is joy... in general, and to me.

In John Chapter 15, we are reminded that it is our relationship with our Christ that opens our lives to His joy.  Joy comes only from being immersed in His love and then sharing that love with others.  Then and only then is our joy fulfilled.  It says in verses 9-11,  “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. ¹⁰ If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. ¹¹ I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete."  Our joy is given to us from Christ's joy when we keep his commands and when we love as He loves.  Then our joy is complete.  COMPLETE!

What does that mean?  Does that mean if we have a hard season and we aren't as happy as we normally are that we have lost our joy?  Does that mean we can't be sad or struggling?  Absolutely not.  Joy is not happiness and must not be confused with it. Happiness is based on circumstances.  When my bills are paid in full I am happy.  When I owe, not so much.  But either way, I still have joy because joy is not based on circumstance but rather on Christ. 

It is huge to remember this and hold to this, especially when things are difficult.  We will all have season of trial.  The bible even warns Christians to be prepared because we will have them.  In John 16:33 we are told, "33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  Yes, we will have trials and tribulations and we will have seasons of sadness and struggle.  And in those, our happiness may diminish on an earthly level.  But... "I am the vine and you are the branches.  If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit, but apart from me, you can  do nothing."  As long as we remain in Christ, we will continue to draw others to Him, even in our earthly sadness or sorrow, because His joy remains in us and continues to be a light in the dark.

I don't know about you, but it is very much an encouragement to me to know that just because I have a hard season or feel sad for a time, that it is no reflection of the inner JOY that has been made complete in me through Christ.  Kind of takes the weight of my shoulders and places it back where it belongs... at the foot of the cross.  I learned a long time ago, through the illness and death of my sweet Tuffy, that God is a God in ALL seasons.  He is with me on my mountain tops and He is even more present with me in my valleys.  He walks with me.  He carries me.  He sits with me. He holds me.  He gave me every emotion I feel and as long as I feel it while still seeking to glorify Him, then He allows it because in all emotions there is glory for Him and growth for me.  What a gift to know that I can sing with joy or cry with joy... either way... it is with JOY because He loves me and I love Him right back!

I am so excited about some of the things God has brought me to and through lately.  They aren't anything on the scale of losing my son, but they are daily hardships and challenges that I have experienced that have really made me rely on Him alone.  And when no one else seems to really understand sometimes what exactly it is I am experiencing on the many different levels, I find when I open the Word of God, sit in prayer, listen to a sermon, or embrace bible study time with others on Sundays (and my new one on Mondays YAHOO!), God always understands, blesses, stretches, and reaches down to touch me. 

And all over again, my joy is made complete and I know, even when I am sad, it is never ever lost, because the One who IS joy is with me!

Joyful!!!

Robin

The Soldier....

I was sitting in a restaurant and a man caught my eye.  I saw him, at first, from behind.  I noticed as he turned his head a bit, something was different.  Then he stood to go refill his drink and I saw him full on.  In an instant I had tears in my eyes.  I looked down, began to blink, and could hardly stand it.  No doubt, this man is a soldier, but even more apparent, a survivor.  It took everything in me not to run up to him and hug him.  I sat there trying to catch my breath and let it all sink in.... and I was overwhelmed.  The main reason I didn't follow through with the hug, is for some reason, I got a deep sense of urgency that this man was trying to find a way back to normal life.  My running up as a total stranger, hugging him and crying hysterically, probably was not in his life pre-war.  So I let my eyes linger only but a moment on him, then I looked down, said a quiet prayer of the deepest thanksgiving, and tried to overcome the lump in my throat.

You see, his face was extremely disfigured, large areas of hair were missing with scars as replacement, one ear barely even there and the other not a typical ear either.  He walked with a limp and he seemed to struggle with one arm.  It was apparent from his physical appearance that he had been through something deeply tragic and excessively costly.  But that is not what let me know for certain he was a soldier.  There was something more.

It wasn't his clothing.  He was wearing civilian clothes... typical jean shorts and a T shirt.  That wasn't the clue.  He wasn't wearing a purple heart for the world to see.  He wasn't carrying a flag.  He wasn't even trying to be noticed.  Nope... it wasn't anything he was doing that let me know this was a result of war.  Instead, it was the woman he was with.  It was the way she looked at him and adored him.  It was the way she saw nothing disfigured about him, but obviously saw right straight in to his heart with total love.  And it was the way she watched him walk towards the coke machine that just screamed of her joy that he was there...walking... towards anything. 

I don't know them at all.  I don't know where they are from or if I will ever see them again.  And I don't know their story,, but I am telling you, just by how she loved him and how he walked with such purpose and humbleness all swirled together, I knew I was in the presence of a hero.  And it overtook me.  I sat there looking down, processing all of this, and somehow all I could think was how much I loved this man I don't even know.  Look what he gave for my freedom.  For my children's freedom.  For those in Iraq to have freedom.  I have cried many times watching heroes return home... both alive and covered in a flag... but there was something completely earth shaking about sitting right there with this guy who obviously just narrowly escaped death. 

And it got me to thinking....

My oldest son, my broken adopted child in a 17-year-old's body, is about to enter his last year of High School.  He has fought many strongholds from his cruel beginning and has many left to overcome and we pray for his victory on a daily basis.  And as he enters his Senior year of high school, one of the future plans on the very near radar, is the marines.  He has talked of it for a couple of years now, and though he goes back and forth, he still gravitates back towards that being his plan of choice.  And as his parents, that is our deepest desire, for him to go military.  We have felt all along that he will not suddenly just be "ready" just because he turns 18 to live in a way that he has no one to answer too.  We feel the military will be a great way to continue to grow up, yet still have accountability to keep him focused.  It is something he needs as he continues in his healing from his pre-adoption years. 

As I processed this man and this situation, my son came rushing to my mind.  Military.  Marines.  Desire for infantry to be his job.  War.  Senior.  Graduation.  18 next summer.  War! Suddenly my son's face and this man's face were trading places.  Suddenly the mother in me felt panic and fear.  Yes, I want him to have guidance and direction and especially accountability, but war?  WAR?  I felt myself processing far too much in far to little amount of time and things were starting to churn from my mind, to my heart, to my stomach. 

I looked back up as the man made his way back to his table and almost as quick as I almost lost control, I gained it back watching him return to his table.  Something about his walk let me know, he would do it again... and again and again and again... if asked.  Something about the way he walked reminded me, no cost is too much unless it is living with the cost of not doing what it is we are meant to do. 

As I have reflected further on it, here is where I am.  It may be the marines that we are waiting on to finally totally and completely heal my son of the demons from his biological past.  God already knows what needs to be done.  If He has ordained marines, then who I am to fear it?  How much more should I fear NOT going marines, if in fact that is God's direction?  What then would happen to my son that would be far worse than an earthly war?  I am not willing to even try to entertain the answers that question could bring. 

This man was a soldier.  I don't know what branch.  I don't know what job.  But I know, from my gut, he was.  And even after all the sacrifice and all the certain nightmares... or day-mares... that he must endure as he lives in the post traumatic stress of what he went through, saw, and experienced.... he walks with purpose.  And no doubt, he would not walk that way had he not done what he was meant to do.  I don't know him, but somehow, deep in me, I know that about him. 

From there my thoughts flood through each one of my children, so unique.  How crystal clear it is, even within my own family that our purpose is individual and that path that we journey with God is totally tailored with the plan of using us for His purpose... HIS PURPOSE.  This soldier could walk with purpose because obviously his very presence exude the awareness that even though he was suffering, he was more at peace this way than if he had not been through it... because it was his journey of purpose.

My little Tuffy was three years old and sicker than sick.  But he was more at peace in it than I could have dreamed because it was his journey of purpose.  And most of the people that I find myself drawn too and intrigued with, seem to have one shared description as well... they are in the midst of their purpose.  And quite frankly, when I am most at peace  it has nothing to do with the easy stuff.  It is when I am in the midst of those battles I am living through, where I face them knowing somehow it will work out because it is my journey of purpose.  Something bigger is at play.  Something glorious is at the end. 

I have always been deeply patriotic.  My daddy instilled that pride in me (he is a veteran!) and as I have grown older and seen war in my lifetime, it has only deepened.  But today, my patriotism collided with reality and I am better because of that man and the woman so grateful to have him home. 

As school starts Monday, I will go to war for my kids (my student-kids) again, for this is where I have been called again for His purpose.  As I tuck my youngest in tonight, I will go to war for her in prayer.  As I listen to my freshmen son, my first born to me, sing and live life with such wisdom for his age, I will go to war on his behalf.  As I find moments of connection with my struggling older two adopted kiddos, I will hold on to the moments of hope God gives and I will continue to go to war using the WORD of my LORD.  It is my purpose.  As I hug my husband, pray for our parents, share life with my friends, forgive those who have mistreated, reach out to my neighbors, and, and, and.... I will go to war... for it is in the willingness to humble ourselves to our purpose in Christ at any cost that victory and peace are found.

My Tuffy knew this... not in his earthly wisdom, but in his spirit.  He somehow just knew his little life had purpose and he met each day as a soldier of joy.  And because of that many, many lives were changed... some so much that they are going to heaven now when before they weren't.... and his ravaged body, til the very last breath he took, carried such purpose that the disease always... ALWAYS took a backseat to the joy that was always first. 

I am thankful tonight for another moment of God-appointed, path-crossings where He humbled me to my core and reminded me why it is I am on this earth.  I have a purpose.  We all do.  May we walk, with all of our scars, whether visible or hidden, much like my Tuffy and this stranger today.... in a way that screams.... it is more than this life can show.

Heaven Bound....

Robin

intriguing...

Tonight I have been walking down memory lane about growing up in my small town in the Texas Panhandle.  It has been about the most fun I have had on the Internet next to writing in my blog.  What fun to reconnect to old memories and feel the past and the present collide!  I loved that town and the people in it.  Still do!  And it is because of my beginnings there, that I have the roots that help me plant my children right, here. 

Tonight I have also been listening very contently to my youngest hard at play.  I have missed those sounds as she has been away at her MeMe and Pops house.  It was the longest couple of weeks.  And as I listen to her play, it is so strange to me how things pick right back up for her... as if she was here yesterday playing the exact same way.  So comfortable and normal and easy.  Life goes on.  Even after interruptions.  To me that is her life testimony.  Life joyfully goes on even after any and all interruptions, good or bad!

While experiencing the two activities tonight of her return home play and my walk down memory lane with all the other "You know you are from... when...." people from my hometown (some older, some younger, some right around my age) I am overwhelmed at the collision of past and current into one moment in time and it is so real and tangible its hard to express.  But even more overwhelming is my experiences that prove how but  in a moment's time it can change yet again, never to be the same.  So very strange... this thing called life and experiences in time.

Over the last few weeks I have experienced so much. Such highs and such lows.  I have felt things grow more rich and beautiful and I have been surprised at sudden distances I didn't expect.  I have felt completely vulnerable, to completely and totally guarded.  I have felt surrounded and I have felt alone.  I have felt joy and pain all in one breath.  I have felt the time drag and the time fleet.  And my summary.... total and complete intrigue. 

The word of God says in Isaiah 55:8 , "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.  I have moments all along my timeline of life that endorse the depth of this truth and again the past couple of weeks it has come blazing as an evidence trail into my journey yet again.  Just when I thought I saw "my summer game plan", Life happened and "surprise!"  It wasn't what I envisioned. 

I have spent a lot of time in grief the last few weeks that I could not have planned, expected, or prepared for anymore than I could when I was told my sweet Eathan's life was nearing the end.  You just can't get ready. That has been clear again as I have hurt for those I love that are hurting. I have had joy come out of nowhere that I had no hand in planning!   I have had hurts brought against me that I would never have anticipated.  I have had even spiritual conversations that went in a way that threw the game plan of what I projected.  I have felt loved.  I have felt alone.  I have had fun.  I have been disappointed.  But the thing is... in it all, I have felt blessed no matter what was happening because I have learned along the way that His ways are simply not my ways, so somehow, it will all "work out in the wash" eventually.  

I remember graduating and being ready to blow that town!  I couldn't wait to leave it in the dust as I burned the highway on the road to adulthood.  If my parents would have let me, I would have been far, far, far from home.  Not because I hated it there, but because I was ready to set the future on fire.  But even as I loaded my car and headed not nearly far enough away for my choosing, I felt the lump arise.  It was home.  It was a good place to be and a good place to be from.  And since that time, no matter how close or how far (and right now is far, sadly) I have always loved it more once I wasn't there.  It all worked out in the wash!

I am still in the process of blazing up that future God has for me.  I don't want to miss a minute.  But there is something extra sweet about remembering and holding on to the things that were good from the past.  And how when I do that, I can look back with joy, even on the bad times and sad situations.  But even better, how I see God's fingerprints all over every inch of it... even when I was young and dumb.  That is the coolest of it all... even when I was young and dumb, His fingerprints were there because (thankfully) His ways are NOT my ways! 

I am completely intrigued by His fingerprints.  I am astounded when I look back at just how much He is always "working things out for the good of those that love Him" (Romans 8:28 my paraphrasing).  And how much hope that gives me when I feel suddenly isolated or sad or attacked or overjoyed.  Whatever directions the emotions of the take travel within my flesh, the truth is God has given me evidence beyond measure to hold to in order to hold on and know that His ways are not my ways... they are so much better.

I would have liked to go home this summer as planned.  I would have liked to help my parents pack up my childhood home that holds such warmth and love within those walls where I grew up.  I would have liked to have seen old friends and hug loved ones necks.  I would have loved to go sit and look where my beloved Donkey used to stand and Bray at me when I got home each night and close my eyes and smell the smells of the country living I loved and was so content in just a couple of years back.  I would have loved to pray with friends, play with my great nephew and watch my Dramatic Flair pick up where she left off with her best friend ever. b

But because God is God and His ways are not my ways, instead I have had bible studies I would have missed; loved on a friend in need; enjoyed  my parents in my home; experienced some powerful lessons in my church;  listened to teens invade my home randomly all summer; felt the days last long into the night like they did when I was a kid; saw my daddy at the ocean (Never ever thought I would see that!  He doesn't swim and hates water!  But he had FUN!  And I got pictures!); been available for an opportunity I would have otherwise missed in education; had spontaneous play dates that were as much for the kids as the adults; made a new BFF that is just 4 years old; felt lonely with too much time on my hands, but thankful that the time allowed God time to work some things out in me; had deep conversations with my son late at night; supported my husband in a job promotion; read a lot of books; read a lot of blogs; wrote and wrote and wrote in all kinds of ways late at night for as long as I wanted; re-energized my focus of priorities....etc.

His ways are not my ways... and because of that I am blessed.  I have a past and a present that is touched by the Savior... and I am in the middle of Him working things out for my good.  He derails my plans so often because I just can't plan big enough for His glory.  Sometimes I forget that is what it is about... so tonight, I am thankful for the understanding, yet again... that even the hard stuff is for my good. 

Hope you walk down memory lane from time to time.  Not because we should dwell in the past.  It is just that... past.  But I believe with all of my heart, when we remember where we have been, we embrace fully the lessons that have been learned, and we learn from them all over again in our remembrance, which projects us even further in the present situations our lives are engulfed in.  He is just sweet like that!

I am going to lay my head down, remembering my hometown and all the people I love that enriched my life from there, remembering my joy of having my youngest home again after too long away, remembering the memories collected with my other kids while she was gone, and remembering the way God has used the time to work things out in me...again. 

And of course... I will always, always, always go to bed remembering my little hero, God's littlest missionary... my Tuffy! 

Thanks for the memories!

Robin

Joy Memories...

Have spent a lot of time thinking and praying today.  Sweet little Lucy has been laid to rest... and the painful journey to healing has only just begun for those that are left behind after her heavenly departure.  My mind and heart has lingered with them since I got word of the tragedy, and today, I was consumed in my thoughts of them.  So much so, that I have a pounding headache.  I know it is tied to it... sort of a physical pain to go with the heart pain I feel for them.  I know the road will be long and at times so very, very difficult. I truly feel in my heart an ache of remembrance of what is just beginning for them.  But I also know, joy will come again and it will be all the more sweeter because that is where I dwell... right smack in the middle of the beautiful joy!
As evidence of that, I thought tonight, while sitting here trying to convince my mind to shut down, I would share a few of my favorite memories of Eathan that bring me such great joy...even though I can remember like yesterday when I never knew how I would ever truly smile from the inside out again.  God IS faithful.  He walks with us in our journeys on mountain tops and even more in the dark, desolate valleys.  And "weeping may come for the night, BUTJOY COMES IN THE MORNING!" 

Enjoy a few of my favorite things that bring me JOY in the mornings.....

Every time I eat an M&M I think of Eathan!  How he loved them!

He loved the phone!  He "talked" on it all the time!

This perfect foot impression was made for me the morning before he went home!  Those nurses had no idea it was his last day, but God did and He orchestrated that day to be the very day that imprinted that adorable little foot for me!

This one house shoe... Eathan was in a brace on his left leg due to pain after a stroke so he could only wear one shoe.  He loved these house shoes.  So he wore one as we put him to rest, and I kept one.  So special to me!

The smile that was there even in his sickest days.  That brings joy to my heart on so many levels!!

He loved airplanes!  This is a special one from his Pops.  He played with it for hours laying in the hospital bed. 
Joy in the difficulties.  What a symbolic message I see when I look at this plane!

I can still hold his hand now because of the nurses that loved him almost as much as me that made this crystal mold when then made the foot imprint.  Only God could know how much I would need to still hold his hand so He used his faitful nurses to give me one of the greatest gifts I could ever have!

He loved Dragon Tales!  They came on the channel in the hospital and he would just giggle and giggle!

Last pair of shoes he ran in.  I treasure them! 
And he grew so little after he fell ill, that these still fit him when he went home to Jesus!

His "B" and his "Bear" (of which he pronounced wrong and called his "Beer".)How he loved them!  They were with him all the way!  And his "B" is signed by Mark Shultz, a Christian singer who sang "He's My son" over Eathan and then an entire auditorium of people layed hands on the people in front of them until they were touching us.  It was profound and just a couple of weeks before our sweet Tuffy went home. 

Sweet dreams to everyone... praying for JOY to come soon... to all of us forever!

Robin

Missing him today... just because!

Not sure why, but some days, I just miss him more than others.  Today is one of those days.  What better day than for me to share some more of him with you... just because.  So here he is... less words today... pictures say it all....

2 weeks before his illness struck.  Precious, normal, cherished time!

Even after he was so, so sick... he still had that smile!  What a picture of JOY!

How I see him now... in the Arms of Jesus!




I miss him.  I love him.  He is perfect now. 
What more could a mom ever want?
Love you Eathan!  Thanks for leaving me with so many lessons learned through your child-like faith!

It's Sunday.  I thought of you first thing this morning. 
 And I smiled!


See you soon!
Love, Mama