intriguing...

Tonight I have been walking down memory lane about growing up in my small town in the Texas Panhandle.  It has been about the most fun I have had on the Internet next to writing in my blog.  What fun to reconnect to old memories and feel the past and the present collide!  I loved that town and the people in it.  Still do!  And it is because of my beginnings there, that I have the roots that help me plant my children right, here. 

Tonight I have also been listening very contently to my youngest hard at play.  I have missed those sounds as she has been away at her MeMe and Pops house.  It was the longest couple of weeks.  And as I listen to her play, it is so strange to me how things pick right back up for her... as if she was here yesterday playing the exact same way.  So comfortable and normal and easy.  Life goes on.  Even after interruptions.  To me that is her life testimony.  Life joyfully goes on even after any and all interruptions, good or bad!

While experiencing the two activities tonight of her return home play and my walk down memory lane with all the other "You know you are from... when...." people from my hometown (some older, some younger, some right around my age) I am overwhelmed at the collision of past and current into one moment in time and it is so real and tangible its hard to express.  But even more overwhelming is my experiences that prove how but  in a moment's time it can change yet again, never to be the same.  So very strange... this thing called life and experiences in time.

Over the last few weeks I have experienced so much. Such highs and such lows.  I have felt things grow more rich and beautiful and I have been surprised at sudden distances I didn't expect.  I have felt completely vulnerable, to completely and totally guarded.  I have felt surrounded and I have felt alone.  I have felt joy and pain all in one breath.  I have felt the time drag and the time fleet.  And my summary.... total and complete intrigue. 

The word of God says in Isaiah 55:8 , "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.  I have moments all along my timeline of life that endorse the depth of this truth and again the past couple of weeks it has come blazing as an evidence trail into my journey yet again.  Just when I thought I saw "my summer game plan", Life happened and "surprise!"  It wasn't what I envisioned. 

I have spent a lot of time in grief the last few weeks that I could not have planned, expected, or prepared for anymore than I could when I was told my sweet Eathan's life was nearing the end.  You just can't get ready. That has been clear again as I have hurt for those I love that are hurting. I have had joy come out of nowhere that I had no hand in planning!   I have had hurts brought against me that I would never have anticipated.  I have had even spiritual conversations that went in a way that threw the game plan of what I projected.  I have felt loved.  I have felt alone.  I have had fun.  I have been disappointed.  But the thing is... in it all, I have felt blessed no matter what was happening because I have learned along the way that His ways are simply not my ways, so somehow, it will all "work out in the wash" eventually.  

I remember graduating and being ready to blow that town!  I couldn't wait to leave it in the dust as I burned the highway on the road to adulthood.  If my parents would have let me, I would have been far, far, far from home.  Not because I hated it there, but because I was ready to set the future on fire.  But even as I loaded my car and headed not nearly far enough away for my choosing, I felt the lump arise.  It was home.  It was a good place to be and a good place to be from.  And since that time, no matter how close or how far (and right now is far, sadly) I have always loved it more once I wasn't there.  It all worked out in the wash!

I am still in the process of blazing up that future God has for me.  I don't want to miss a minute.  But there is something extra sweet about remembering and holding on to the things that were good from the past.  And how when I do that, I can look back with joy, even on the bad times and sad situations.  But even better, how I see God's fingerprints all over every inch of it... even when I was young and dumb.  That is the coolest of it all... even when I was young and dumb, His fingerprints were there because (thankfully) His ways are NOT my ways! 

I am completely intrigued by His fingerprints.  I am astounded when I look back at just how much He is always "working things out for the good of those that love Him" (Romans 8:28 my paraphrasing).  And how much hope that gives me when I feel suddenly isolated or sad or attacked or overjoyed.  Whatever directions the emotions of the take travel within my flesh, the truth is God has given me evidence beyond measure to hold to in order to hold on and know that His ways are not my ways... they are so much better.

I would have liked to go home this summer as planned.  I would have liked to help my parents pack up my childhood home that holds such warmth and love within those walls where I grew up.  I would have liked to have seen old friends and hug loved ones necks.  I would have loved to go sit and look where my beloved Donkey used to stand and Bray at me when I got home each night and close my eyes and smell the smells of the country living I loved and was so content in just a couple of years back.  I would have loved to pray with friends, play with my great nephew and watch my Dramatic Flair pick up where she left off with her best friend ever. b

But because God is God and His ways are not my ways, instead I have had bible studies I would have missed; loved on a friend in need; enjoyed  my parents in my home; experienced some powerful lessons in my church;  listened to teens invade my home randomly all summer; felt the days last long into the night like they did when I was a kid; saw my daddy at the ocean (Never ever thought I would see that!  He doesn't swim and hates water!  But he had FUN!  And I got pictures!); been available for an opportunity I would have otherwise missed in education; had spontaneous play dates that were as much for the kids as the adults; made a new BFF that is just 4 years old; felt lonely with too much time on my hands, but thankful that the time allowed God time to work some things out in me; had deep conversations with my son late at night; supported my husband in a job promotion; read a lot of books; read a lot of blogs; wrote and wrote and wrote in all kinds of ways late at night for as long as I wanted; re-energized my focus of priorities....etc.

His ways are not my ways... and because of that I am blessed.  I have a past and a present that is touched by the Savior... and I am in the middle of Him working things out for my good.  He derails my plans so often because I just can't plan big enough for His glory.  Sometimes I forget that is what it is about... so tonight, I am thankful for the understanding, yet again... that even the hard stuff is for my good. 

Hope you walk down memory lane from time to time.  Not because we should dwell in the past.  It is just that... past.  But I believe with all of my heart, when we remember where we have been, we embrace fully the lessons that have been learned, and we learn from them all over again in our remembrance, which projects us even further in the present situations our lives are engulfed in.  He is just sweet like that!

I am going to lay my head down, remembering my hometown and all the people I love that enriched my life from there, remembering my joy of having my youngest home again after too long away, remembering the memories collected with my other kids while she was gone, and remembering the way God has used the time to work things out in me...again. 

And of course... I will always, always, always go to bed remembering my little hero, God's littlest missionary... my Tuffy! 

Thanks for the memories!

Robin