Today I watched the latest episode of American Idol and had the privilege of sitting and bawling my eyes out to Kelli Clarkson's performance of Piece by Piece. If you haven't seen it... go do it. Now. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FHYBQxURQo It hit me in ways I can't explain, but feel led to try. Hope you will muddle through this with me.
My daddy is currently laid up in a hospital bed in more pain than I can imagine after his surgery. He went in strong in spirit, came out even stronger. I admire my parents more every day. I have the best there is out there, people. I can't think of a single time in my life that I haven't felt their love, loyalty, and support. I know that they would die for me. I have always known that. What a precious gift to be surrounded in that kind of love throughout my earthly life! And how easy that made grasping the love God has for me. My daddy was not a man of words, but of actions. He didn't have to tell me of his love because I experienced it every day. He has this profound way of making me feel safe and wanted through his consistent, faithful actions, which made me know what to search for in a husband and potential father some day. And I found that in Todd. My mom is my dearest friend. We laugh and cry and share and even argue. The friendship is unshakable. She taught me how to be a fiercely, loving daughter, wife, mom, and friend.
I have really been sad not being there for them through their surgeries. I hate it. I am the daughter that likes to go and hear the doctor reports and do their laundry and clean their house. I like to do something, anything, to give a little back for all the ways they have given to me. And when I can't it hurts. It's when the distance and circumstances between us just about rip my heart out. So I am missing them more this weekend than usual because I have such a desperate need to be off this knee wheelie and back home helping, somehow. But I can't and that is just how it is. So I have trusted that God has remained with them and He has met them in their needs and will continue. I am so thankful for that bridge that can span ANY miles or obstacles between those we love and us!
So today, as I have been having my parents heavily on my heart, I watched Kelly Clarkson blow me away with that performance and song. And I broke. I am so blessed, but at every turn so many are not. So, so many grow up feeling what Kelly expresses feeling as a young girl. My own adopted children felt it before coming to us, and even with us because we couldn't filll the void of that abandonment they experienced before we got them. It shatters me. I think of students, neighbors, my kids friends, so many that feel that pain... and I see them struggle with their belief in God as well. It crushes me.
My biological children are experiencing what I did as a child. As long as I live, they will never feel abandoned or alone. I will be there. And if it could have been different for my adopted children.... they wouldn't have either. I can't control what is out of my reach and beyond my abilities. But I can absolutely continue to be who I am to anyone who will let me. And I will. I WILL. I will love fiercely and intentionally.
Sometimes that causes me to feel lonely. People are so busy with their lives and activities, many won't slow down and really live life together. Sometimes I yearn to just sit and talk deep about my thoughts and feelings for hours. I am not even sure hours would be enough. It comes from so many places in me. Places of love from my parents and family, shattered places from grief of the death of my sweet three year old, places of anger from the rejection caused by actions I couldn't prevent from others. Places of overwhelming gratitude for the grace of Christ. And even places of feeling sad that I can't be with my parents when I NEED to be sometimes. I want to share my heart and all that God has done with everyone that will listen. I want to talk about my son in heaven and his beautiful journey as he headed HOME. I want to talk about the hard stuff. I want to talk about others joys and hurts. I want to brag on my kids but not to boast, just celebrate. I want to talk about my students and how much they each change me and why. I just sometimes feel like I might explode. Poor Todd gets the most of it. He is a great listener and cares so much. But sometimes I want to tell others. I want to sit in a room of people that want to do the same thing and just lose track of time and let God pour out from our journeys.
But then, in a quiet house on a Saturday, just when I feel I might explode, God does something unexpected in unexpected ways. He gives me a song that has NOTHING to do with my own childhood, yet everything to do with my childhood and moves me into conversations with Him where I am never lonely and it can always be deep. My blessed childhood met up with Kelly's broken one, and yet the outcome we both choose is to love fiercely. I hope Kelly Clarkson knows that beyond her husband, God loves her even more and will even more so never walk away. And I hope that anyone reading this knows that too. My goodness, God loves us.
I want those that are within my touch to know I love them. I cry every year when I have to let my students move on. I physically hurt because I truly love them. I remain joyfully sad that my son is thriving at A&M because I miss hugging him every single day. I miss my daughter when she sleeps over at a friend's house because I miss her contagious mess of dramatic flair that makes us... us. I cry at just the thought of my dogs growing old. I am telling you, when I love I love to my core. God blessed me because He taught me early how to love deep and hasn't stopped since.
I don't know what your childhood was. I don't know what your current circumstances are. But piece by piece GOD loves you and will always be there.... always. And when you absorb that love, you may feel lonely because so many don't get the need to live it out loud, but God does.... and it is glorious.
"And now three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love" 1 Cor 13:13
I love you,
- Simple Family, Complex Journey
- Texas, United States
- Nothing really different about us... normal people, normal existence, extraordinary journey of blessings brought in the most profound, difficult, devasting, and amazing circumstances. To know our journey is to know grace. I invite you in to view this simple life where extraordinary events shape together to create something only Grace can explain.......