impacting moments-- HUM-Dinger!

Back to school week.  Man, what a week!  It was a week filled completely up with impacting moments.  Some of them very, very positive; some very, very emotional;  and some very, very discouraging. I can honestly say it was one of the most overwhelming first weeks back to school I have ever had.  Ever.  I started the week full of hope, fought my way through until the end of the week to end filled with hope, and can honestly say as I sit here and type, the hope remains.

But what exactly does that mean?  What is hope anyway?  We had a great discussion in bible study this morning about what it means to hope in the Lord compared to seek the Lord.  The specific scripture was found in Lamentations 3:25.  "The Lord is good to those who hope in Him, to the one who seeks Him;"  We had an open discussion about the likeness or difference between hoping and seeking as this scripture is obviously addressing a single person rather than two separate people or two separate groups of people.  Therefore, we questioned, what is the difference then for this one person who hopes and seeks?  Does that mean to hope is to sit idle and wait while to seek is to actively pursue Him?  Absolutely not.  Both are active verbs of a believers response to Christ.  One involves trusting and the other involves pursuing, but both require and active response. 

As I reflect back on my week, I can fully attest to the truth of that discussion... hope is not idle.  It requires a full and complete active engagement of the heart and I believe even further than the discussion went today before we moved on, it requires such a deep acceptance of believing God is who He says He is that all of our dependence of survival in anything good or bad or anywhere in between revolves around clinging to that hope in the Lord at all costs... at ALL costs!

This was one of those weeks for me.  So many changes this week.  So many new things.  So many unexpected things.  And every single one of them met me head on Monday morning before I could even hit the noon hour.  I went into this week in full expectation of a crazy week... first weeks back for my own kids and my students are always crazy.  New years bring new journeys and it takes a while to get our bearings back from the time off for summer.  But this year was far different on levels I did not expect and by Monday at noon I found myself wondering if I had really even been off for summer at all.  I was already overwhelmed and exhausted... in some ways positively and in others, struggling, but mixed all together it was a hum-dinger of a day.

I came home that night, feet pounding, head pounding, and heart pounding.  I sat for a while in the quiet and couldn't even get my brain and heart to meet up.  But in time, things began to align and I found myself drawn to the word of the Lord, drawn to sitting a while with my Father, and seeking Him with all of my heart, soul, and mind.  It wasn't because I was so "spiritually mature", it was because I have lived out the reality that my hope is in Him... my ONLY hope is in Him.  By the time I was finished seeking Him, I felt renewed yet again, and I knew part of the chaos of the first day was I got to going on my own accord, facing the in the moment surprises in my flesh and not holding on to the hope I have in Him.  It is always so simple when I look back over what I should have done, but so extremely difficult to always do in the moments. 

So today, I found myself having a hard time not smiling when we were discussing this verse because of all that flooded my mind and heart in an explosive moment of "of COURSE we would discuss this verse today God!" I knew exactly what Jeremiah meant when he separated the two statements to the one person of hoping in the Lord and seeking the Lord. It is exactly what I had done Monday night when I returned to Him.  Don't you love it when God does that?  When He flat clears the room for you and deals with you head on... and although people are still there, they have no idea how God is doing a work so clearly in you.  It was such a personal moment, I didn't even share a thought aloud.  Others were sharing.  I was just listening to God move in my heart.  It was a beautiful moment in time. 

Now before I keep going on the week, let me explain before assumptions are made about why exactly it was such a tough start.  First and foremost, I sent my youngest son (who happens to be my firstborn as he came before the older two adopted children were born into our family) started High School.  There was something very powerful that happened in the realization that he walked out of my door to walk through the ones at the High School. 

You see, though I have walked very individual journeys with my older two adopted children, their paths have been very different than the "norm" so to speak.  I missed several years of their start in life.  I ache for those years, but I embrace that God was in control and I was meant to have them born into my heart at just the time they were.  We always claim, "It was a God-thing".  But by missing those years, everything with them and time is so off.  I feel I have lived in catch-up mode and they too live in catch-up mode.  And because of their struggles from their harsh start that has brought rebellion and difficulties since they became teens, the path has remained quite different from the norm.  Therefore, even their start to their High School years have not been "the norm".  It has all been different, far, far different. 

But when Seth walked out the door Monday, my heart nearly stopped, because for the first time I was experiencing the full-on experience of reaching the high school transition in "the norm" time frame and the reality of what that means for the very near future overwhelmed me with joy, pride, and complete and total sadness.  The start of high school marks the start of the end.  I remember being there myself.  Once that freshman year begins, in a blink, it is graduation.  So Monday morning, watching him leave, I stood there in silence, closed my eyes, and could almost smell him in my arms as the newborn baby I had ached so deeply for post-cancer and post baby loss in second trimester, due to a cancerous ovary.  I could almost smell him laying there so sweet and cuddly!  And he was headed to High School!

And in that moment, my heart shattered because I always think of my Eathan on special moments of pride and transition of my kids.  Man.  He will never go to high school!  I rejoice in Heaven, but I miss the dreams I had for him here.  And then bounding down the stairs came my youngest, my "sunshine after the rain", my dramatic flair!  She was a pretty as a picture in her first day chosen outfit, eyes beaming, skipping along, with the usual singing that is a constant in her moving around.  She was ready for her day as a big, growing up to fast, second grader!  Have mercy!  Not her too!  They are all growing up soooo fast!  A Senior, a Sophomore, a Freshmen, a HEAVEN student, and a second grader.  Overwhelmed.

But I made it to school and prepared my heart for the day.  I had some returning students that I had missed more than I can say and I had new students that I have been praying for and preparing to introduce into my classroom for the first time.  I think I get as nervous as anyone about the first day!  And I never get it right when I try to imagine how it will go.  Never.  This first day was no different.  Can I just say, that as each and everyone of my precious kiddos walked through my door, I melted a little more.  Who am I to be privileged to share the next 180 ish days with these remarkable creations of God!  WHO AM I?

I experienced so much emotion in that first hour as some embraced me with as much love in return as what I gave out and others hesitantly looked at me with wonder and curiosity of what exactly this new adventure between me and them would hold.  I wanted to grab them and love on them like I would my own, but I knew trust had to be built.  I needed to earn them before I could expect them to receive what I have to offer from my heart.  But let me tell you, it took about 2 seconds flat to know every single one of them were going to have me wrapped around their little fingers.  Remarkable little creatures of the Lord!

And then, the first big surprise of the day.  A former student returned, without warning, back to my class. I was thrilled to see him, but not prepared for his arrival.  That meant I didn't feel I gave him the kind of welcome he deserved and that hurt my heart.  And it also set our schedules ablaze because I serve all grades and it takes a very diligent plan to get everyone's needs met and academics covered the way it should.... the way they deserve.  So by 8:00 I was running behind already.  Not how I intended it to be... on the very first day.

Then there were conflicts in duties and schedules that have resulted from the budget cuts and revisions in our staffing due to the budget crisis.  I don't dare complain as things are far better than what it was looking last spring.  Still yet, there were conflicts.  By noon I was mentally spent trying to figure out how to make it all work in the best interest of all involved.  Somewhere in there was the discouragement factor, because I knew that somewhere had to give, I knew it wouldn't be at the expense of the kids, but that it would come at a cost somehow.  I was frustrated and sad because I didn't want anything to be my concern beyond my kids.  They are why I am there and they are who I wanted to focus on. 

But we made it through the day and by 3:00 I was totally in love with my new students and felt it wasn't going to be long until we would be trusting each other and moving forward to strive for their best, my dramatic flair bolted through my room, eyes dancing about her wonderful day with her teacher that was just as wonderful for second grade as her first grade teacher was for first, and I was about to go find out about my high schoolers.  The rest of the day is a blur.... first day "stuff"... pick kids up, get back on dinner time schedule, get needed supplies for High School, bath and bedtime early for a tired young one, lots of conversations with the older ones, a revamping of schedules, talking to hubby, and then the house grew quiet... which led me to reflection... which led me back to hope.... through active seeking!

The rest of the week can be summarized a this.... God blessed the week for my Freshman... he did well at school (of course because he is an amazing kid of Christ), he made A team starter in football, my sophomore daughter shared a little of her thinking with me (which is a rare thing right now) and affirmed she is thriving in her home school decision, my Senior is adjusting to things, my youngest is having the time of her life, my schedules are working out, my kids are HAPPY, I got a note from a parent saying it was the first time... EVER... their child had experienced even ONE good day (yes, I cried hard), I got a surprise gift from another student's grandma who just learned of my honor of Region finalist Teacher of the Year, my feet hurt, my head hurt, and my heart grew. 

So I am preparing for the week ahead with the same hope renewed as I had last week and I know yet again, my God is faithful and He is personally involved in my life... every single detail... and because of that, He is worth my every praise of thanksgiving.  I love Him.  I love my family.  I love my students.  And I love blogging about it all!

here is to hoping you have a HOPE filled relationship with my Father too!  If you don't, please, send me a message so that I can pray for you and help you find it.  There simply is NO other way to live!

Sorry for the length!  It had been a while since I blogged!  You KNOW that is dangerous!  :)

Hugs of Hope to you!

Robin