desperate... so very, very desperate....

Ever feel like you are choking to death but there is nothing but a big, fat, lump of "trying not to cry" in your throat?  That is me... all day.  You see, my parents pulled out for home this morning.  That in and of itself brings the lump and the looming tears.  I love them.  I miss them.  And just when I think I am getting better at being so far from them, we spend time together, the "see you soons" come again, and there I am, right back where I started! 

But then, to add to the enormity of the lump in my throat, today my youngest, my Dramatic Flair (our miracle after the rain as this blog identifies her), climbed right up in the backseat of their car to go with them for a while.  She was overjoyed to go, but I am telling you, that squeezing hug she held onto my neck with let me know, she was still a bit nervous about how far and how long. (She had a moment of nervousness a couple of days back and talked to my mom about it, realizing how far away and for how long she would be.  I didn't want her sad, but I have to say, it felt good to know it mattered to her too!)   Therefore, I put on my bravest face, gave her the mommy instructions of,  "Be nice.  Use your manners.  Mind MeMe and Pops.  Call EVERY day.  HAVE FUN!" and her daddy strapped her into the car.   We bravely smiled and waved them all the way down the street and then I stood there for a moment trying to comprehend how different our world is going to be while she is away.  (Trickle, trickle... suck in, hold 'em back...trickle, trickle.... whew those tears are trying to flow!)

And as if that weren't enough, I have been emotional since yesterday for something far worse than me and Dramatic Flair hitting this separation milestone.  And that situation that is making me emotional, makes her leaving and heading so far away, even that much harder.  You see, yesterday we got word that some very dear friends grand baby was killed suddenly and tragically in a car wreck.  Her name was Lucy.  She, as my friend Kristine termed her, was the "love of their life!"  She was their first grand baby.  She was their only grand baby.  Her birthday is just around the corner in August.  She would have been one.  As Ron told my husband yesterday, the big party was already planned.  But, without warning, she is gone from earth and they are left to begin the process of comprehending life this side of heaven without her.  As one who has had to walk the path of losing a precious child, I would never wish it on my worst enemy... and certainly never on dear, sweet friends.  I have to tell you, it has shaken me to the core for them.

And if their pain weren't deep enough, Lucy's daddy was driving the car.  He is in critical condition, with many broken bones and his legs are badly burned.  But far worse, I am not sure he has received the news that his little baby girl is gone.  Ashlyn, Lucy's mommy and Kristine and Ron's daughter, is in the midst of the worst storm life could bring.  Her day started as any other, but the ending has such a stark contrast in it's ending that no one can begin to fathom.... not even her.  And for that, I ache inside to a level I have no words.

Of course it propels me to that place of remembrance of my own loss. Unfortunately, once you are in the "club" of losing a child, you feel it all over again, every single time you hear of anyone losing theirs.  But far more than even that, this news propels me to that place of how absolutely and totally unfair this life is.  It propels me to that place of almost deafening fear and reality that just because one has already walked a hard road, does not mean the road won't twist and contort into a path of devastation again.  We live in a fallen world.  Pain is real.  No one is immune.  No one.  Not even sweet little Lucy who's life was so cut short without warning. 

It is in these moments that people tend to ask, "Where is God?  Why did He let this happen?  If He is a loving God, why did this happen to that little girl?  That family?  That young mother and father?"  And I will be totally honest, I am right there on my knees asking God the same things.  I HURT for them so much.  Just like with our loss, there is nothing anyone can do to ease the pain.  It is real, overwhelming, suffocating, debilitating.... and nothing any one of us can do to help.  "Why God? You are the author and creator!  Why must this be?"

Some would say that is a lack of faith.  I am here to tell you, it is far from that.  It is BECAUSE of my faith that I am asking! Aksing God is never a sin.  It is in the griping pain of questions that I have found my sweet Savior most tender towards me!  It is when I am crying out to Him, that He holds me closest! You see, while I am questioning all over again why something like this had to happen, I am still falling into my Father's Heavenly arms where only there can comfort be found,because I know He is big enough to hold me while I try to undestand something so confusing from this side.  God knows we do not have the heaven view that He does.  He knows that we cannot see what He is doing on the bigger scheme.  And He gave us the emotions we feel.  We have permission to feel or He wouldn't have created feelings.  God is big.  And He is merciful.  And He knows, more than even we, that we have to cry out in our pain... or we would be consumed by it!  And He is big enough to hold us and heal us, one moment at a time, in his mercy. I trust that because I have lived it.  He has held me through so much!  So much!  And when I felt I couldn't cry outloud to those around me any more, I could still cry out to God.  He held me in my anger, my sadness, my brokenness, and my numbness.  He counted every tear.  I know... because I felt Him and it healed me... slowly...in His time!

I have no idea what purpose this new loss of sweet little Lucy will have, but after the years of seeing how God has touched lives after my Tuffy died, I know there will be purpose in her death.  It will not be in vein.  It will NOT be in vein.  Something beautiful is already under way from it and somehow, as He says in His word, He will bring beauty from ashes!  I don't pretend to think that helps in any way with the pain now because it flat doesn't.  Nothing helps right now.  Nothing. But because of where I have been and what I have witnessed Him do, it is the truth of what He will do somehow, someway even though none of us can imagine what it could be as the devastation is all around.  It's the only thing I have to hold onto as I grieve for their new grief.  Somehow, little Lucy's death will not be in vein.  So I am asking all of those hard questions of God, knowing that in time and in His way, He will begin to reveal moments of understanding that yes, even in this most unfair, painful situation, He did not fail. 

That sweet family will be in crippling grief for a long while.  They will be walking a path no one, no matter what we have been through, can comprehend, because each path is so extremely personal.  I don't pretend to compare or even begin to think I know what they are feeling, or will be feeling in the hours, days, months, or years ahead.  I do not. My loss was different.  My healing path is different.  I cannot know at all.

But I do know it is going to be tough... beyond anything that could be expressed outward in writing or any other way.  They will have to take one moment at a time without any pressure or expectation to do anything more than that and we will have to know the journey has no easy fix or mend.  It's a journey where only the Holy Spirit can intercede and we will have to trust that however long it takes, Jesus is there, meeting them, loving them, and holding them.  And I have no doubt, weeping with them. 

And I know Satan would like nothing more than to cripple the rest of us right there with them.  He would like to have the whole world of believers totally shut down and non-funcitoning. He would like for us to look at the tragedies that make absolutely no sense at all and let fear completely overtake us.  And believe me, already knowing what it is like to have my son go home to heaven, times like this really make me want to do just that.  I want to grab my kids, shut the door, and try to do everything in my power to control their safety.  It is instinctual of our flesh to try to seize control when something so devastating is occurring.

I am about as weak as any one person could be.  I shudder at the thought of any more pain...ever.  And to try to stand on my own and find strength... well I can tell you, we would be in bubble wrap in some bomb shelter and I would be a maniac anyway.  But today, for Lucy, for Eathan, and especially for Jesus, instead I am laying my full weakness at the cross so that Christ can be my strength.  And I'm trusting God with my parents and my youngest treasure on earth. She will either get home safely, or God is up to something bigger than that.  Either way, I just have to let Him hold her, with my full trust that He is, believing what the bible says, that He will not fail. 

I don't know what you are struggling with today, but I am certain this sweet family I love is at the top of suffering struggles.  And my prayer is for them and each of us to feel Him when nothing else can help.  If you don't know Jesus, you have to!  You just have to!  No one saw Lucy's life coming to a sudden end on earth. Jesus swept her home.  Life is not forever here.  It does end... and sometimes far too soon and without warning.  Our only hope in all of it, is that Heaven is forever!  FOREVER!  It is beautiful, peaceful, joyful, and beyond our wildest imaginations!  And it is for US!  Lucy is dancing with Eathan before Jesus.  I can just see them!  And I can't wait to do so with them and all the others I love that have gone Home.  And my prayer is that somehow, in yet another tragic moment in time on this hard, hard earth, the image of them perfect and Home will draw any one that does not know, to the One who wants to escort each of us, when it is our time, to that glorious place as well! 

If you do not know Him, or if you are a skeptic, I have to ask you.... what if I am right?  What if Heaven is your only hope?  Are you really willing to risk another moment?  No one knew when Ashlyn kissed her baby girl goodbye, it was for the last time.  No one knew that was her last day on earth.  She was a baby!  Her family had dreams of her growing up, being a mommy herself one day.  In a blink of an eye....

Jesus loves you so much He suffered and died for your sin because He wanted to rescue you forever.  He did.  "For God so loved the world (you) that he gave His one and ONLY son (Jesus), that whoever believes in Him, will NOT perish, but have everlasting life"  That was the soul purpose of the cross.  He died so we could live.  But He didn't just die.... He conquered the grave and He conquered death to show us what we have to hope for when we choose Him.  All you have to do is believe!  If you are old enough to understand there is a choice, you are then accountable for your choices, and you MUST choose.  But that is it.  If you choose Him, if you believe in what He did, the rest has been covered in grace. 

I feel desperate today.  My baby is on the highway with my beloved parents.  My friends are grieving such a fresh, new wound of the deepest grief they could ever know, and I live in the reality of how short this life really is with my Tuffy gone home as well.  Please, don't wait.  Don't wonder.  Don't risk it.  Choose Him!  And then trust that He won't let go even when we are too weak to try to hang on.

Hang on to my friends dear Jesus.  Meet them in their deepest place of hurt.  Hold them because they are going to hurt too much to do anything but breath.... and sometimes that is even hard.  Here my cries for them... and dear Jesus, for every person reading this that has yet to choose you!  I cry out! In Jesus sweet and Holy name!

Robin