Okay anyway, so back to MY story (Mom you are NOT welcome to chime in. This is MY story and I am sticking to it!) So anyway, kids today seem to be different. Not all of them... but some of them. And I am telling you, being a parent is the most wonderfully painful thing there could ever be to experience on this earth. I never knew my heart could experience so many emotions at the exact same moment. If you wonder if you have a strong heart... deal with a rebellious teen. Won't take you long to know the answer. I have found... I have a pretty tough ticker.... THANK GOODNESS!
Before I go any further, I need to say, I am a blessed woman. I have five beautiful children, all of whom I love and would die for without hesitation. WITHOUT HESITATION. As you know from all my nuggets of the day, including my most recent post, one of those precious darlings is perfect and healed and forever safe in the arms of Jesus. But while he was here, I fought for him and would have easily taken his place. Matter of fact, I BEGGED God to let me. I hated his hurts. I hated his illness. And I loved him. I just miss him. I love him forever and for always. (Yes, I just said that yesterday, but hey... it remains true today so why not say it again!)
The other four darlins' are still here on earth and I praise God for each day that they are in our lives. I do not take a day for granted for we live in the reality that life CAN end as we know it. I cherish my kids, all of them. But I have to confess, at times it is a challenge with a couple of them and I have to be intentional at remembering to thank Him in ALL circumstances.
Anyone who has more than one child, knows that each child brings something different to the table. Each child adds their own dynamics to the family and each child is different to raise. I have come to the conclusion that the reason people keep trying to write all of those "how to raise your child right" books is because there will never be ONE book that can lead you with ALL children... not written by man, anyway. I have learned that my children are my assurance that prayer and deep biblical study will occur in my home on a daily basis... as I live out my very own SURVIVE THIS life drama. (A friend said a couple of days ago, she was checking to see if I was at work or if I was at home filming my own reality TV show. Little did she know, I have a NAME for a show if someone would just film! HA!)
So the realness of my SURVIVE THIS goes like this: I have five children, one being eternally already perfect. I have one that walks so close to God at 13 that I hardly know what to do with him because he leaves so little need for me to parent. He loves God and that is his internal compass. It is far better than anything I have to offer! He is just cool to watch! I have an older son that went through some deep valleys for several years, but is coming to the other side with some hard lessons learned and the wisdom that comes with that... slowly. He still has things to learn, but he is trying and he is getting there. I have a dramatic flair that is so innocent and joy-filled in her stage of life that she just spreads sunshine even in her orneriness and we spend most days just laughing around her! And I have a teen daughter that is deeply troubled and looking for excuses to stay that way. Let me tell ya, a mix like that will keep your knees bent and your head too confused to try to do anything on your own accord. You just have to seek!
The two that have had such a hard time, came from a hard start. They are our children of choice. We chose them and they were born from my heart instead of my womb. We said yes to them when we could have said no. They are from adoption through CPS and we knew when we said yes, we were saying yes to much more than our minds or our hearts could fathom. We knew it would be a difficult road at times because their first few years were cruel and heart-breaking. I cannot explain the pain I feel when I allow myself to consider their beginnings. They're MY children. And MY children had a harsh beginning that I can do nothing about. I hate it. I grieve it. But, I also embrace it because, well, it is what it is.
I had no idea where all that harsh beginning of their lives would lead us all and I have yet to determine where all we have yet to go as a result. I am still praying about my adoption blog and getting it ready to go. . I believe my experiences have something to offer others that go behind me and may open doors for me to connect to others that have gone before me. And I believe that God wants to use all things for the good of those that love Him and are called according to His purpose. (I believe that because His word tells me so in the book of Romans! I highly recommend that book and any other book in the word. Quite enlightening indeed!) But tonight, I just want to say, sometimes it is hard to endure the pain of their generational bondage and genetic strongholds. I cannot break the bonds that weigh them down anymore than someone could break any that might weigh me down. We have planted the seeds and watered the soil, but they have to determine, just like the rest of us, to reach back to God and let Him do his work. I believe my oldest is trying. He is working on it and has come a long, long way in his healing. My teen daughter... she has yet to begin. That is a tough reality. Hard to put in writing. But it is real and true and maybe someone needs to know they aren't alone in their grief over their wayward child tonight. Believe me, if that is you, you are NOT alone. And I am not alone! And if anyone understands.... God does. Can you imagine how many of HIS children are wayward tonight on planet earth?
Okay, on with my point.... tonight, I can honestly say, thank God we don't know where the roads will lead we are asked to take because our human spirit would be too afraid to go. Where God leads, is not for the weak or fear-filled. The road is NEVER easy. But... if we keep on knee-bending, keep on reading His promises, then somehow we make it, through His strength. It's crazy really, how it works, but it does. I can't explain it, I can just tell you its true because I live it.
I have survived watching my son slowly die over an 18 month period. I have survived my oldest going down a dark path and wondering if he would ever return, to finally be able to say... he is returning, slowly, and on a very bumpy road, but he IS returning. And I survived another TOUGH weekend with the one yet to even start the turn around. But yet, I laughed today! I taught school today. I enjoyed time with my kids today. I have joy today. Somehow... it just works.
So my nugget for today is no matter what your version of SURVIVE THIS might be... you WILL survive it. There is always, always hope. It seems some days feel like they are an eternity, but in His word we are told that in a blink of an eye we will be with him. We are told this life is like a vapor. It will be finished before we know it. That is truly inspiring to me on many levels because I realize what seems so difficult now, will be over soon, no matter how time tries to play tricks on my hurting heart. I realize these tough days will be gone and I will be standing before my Father. I yearn for the words "Well done thy good and faithful servant" so much. When I keep that as my goal, I realize that I can walk another day loving a hard to love teen that is using excuses to stay where she is rather than releasing and letting God take her to where she is meant to be, because what I see now is not the end. Shoot, it is not even the beginning.
What? Mom? You survived me? SHHHHH! This is MY story remember! ....But okay, as I am sure my mom and any other mom-now-grandma of a strong-willed dramatic flair would say, even if the rebellion isn't as tough as my oldest daughters, but more just a typical teen spreading their wings before they are really ready to leave the nest, know that yes, this too shall pass! Happy Mom? I tell ya, she smiles a little too deep upon every dramatic flair story I tell about my youngest little ray of sunshine and she says over and over... "THIS is the child I prayed you would have!" I am quite certain I have NO idea whatever she could possibly mean!
Well, I am off to finish up another evening in my SURVIVE THIS reality show. Thanks for taking a peek into my life. It may be more than you meant to know, but my fingers and I find great release being real and being open. Besides, get it out there and Satan can't have near as much fun messing with me over it! So Satan.... Naaa Naa Nuh Naa Naaaaaaaaa ! In YO face scumbag!
Until I write again... go get to surviving with you eye on the PRIZE!
Robin
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