Whew....

Sweet Tuffy

Another death date has been defeated.  Sound strange?  You outta live it!  What I mean by that is I made it through another "worst day of my life" anniversary.  Each year holds its own surprising emotions.  Each year holds the all too familiar emotions.  But each year, I am able to say, I made it through. I have said over and over, how loved that little boy was... is.  I wonder if sometimes it might get redundant to those more removed, to hear me speak of him.  Quite frankly, that's not of my concern.  He was a wonderful child that changed the course of our lives forever.  I am better for being his Mama.  He is worth talking about, celebrating... remembering... and I love him, forever. 

When the date was approaching, it was a little more difficult to face as it was going to be ON Thanksgiving.  The holiday is such a precious one.  Nothing more important that taking time to be thankful for all the blessings in our lives.  But since we lost him, it has become quite bitter-sweet because I am flooded with the memories that surrounded that final Thanksgiving with him.  It seems every thing we do during this season takes me back to what we did with him for the last time.  It is precious, but very emotional.  I have found it hard to want to be with others doing those things we used to do the same way we used to do them.  Not because I don't want to do them, but because I do them with tears that I have no control over.  They come when they come and I can't force them back.  So it is difficult to want to push that into others as they celebrate the wonderful gift of Thanksgiving together.  Tears make people uncomfortable in ways.  It isn't that any that love us would ever have a problem with our tears, but I know it causes this strange awkwardness of uneasiness in the air.  I know they understand and they hurt too for what once was, but it isn't fair to expect anyone to feel the loss the same way as the next.  Everyone deals and moves on differently.  Even Todd and I are different.  We both grieved and grieved hard, but it couldn't have been more night and day.  And even now, I have the tears and he has a quiet spirit of reflection.  Neither right or wrong.... just different.  So from the beginning, I avoided traditions and gatherings so that everyone, including myself, has the freedom to be and do and feel whatever is right for each of us. 

As this year approached and Todd has been ill, I knew a "get-a-way" was not in the works any longer.  It left the five days of the break wide open for us to be and do whatever felt right in the moment.  I made some tentative plans, realizing up front I would give myself permission to change them at a moment's notice if I needed to.  Guess what... I needed to.  Originally we were going to get up early and go down to the big parade  in downtown Houston.  Two Disney Stars were going to be there that Dramatic Flair loves and Twitch from So You Think You Can Dance was going to be there, of which Seth and I love to watch.  Sounded like a lot of fun and a great idea.  But the night before, I got this sudden heaviness sitting on my chest... of which I term the "boulder syndrome" which I will have to explain in another blog, on another day... and I knew that I wasn't up for the parade.  I knew I was going to need some time to just "feel" before I made any move in any direction for the day. 

So the morning arrived and my precious family allowed me time all to myself without even a knock on the door. I didn't ask for this... they just knew I needed it.  I spent time curled up "feeling" for quite a while.  Then I got up  needing my family.  We talked about Eathan, remembered him, missed him, and loved on his memory.  Then I knew I was ready to do what I had planned for after the parade.  Me and the kids that wanted to, loaded up and headed downtown.  We have been served so many times in our tough seasons so I figured what better way to honor Eathan's memory than to go serve whom others would consider "the least of these."  We went to the convention center and got busy serving the homeless, the lost, the hurting.  We showed love to the ones many consider unlovable.  We smiled at those many would frown upon.  We treated them, as best we could, like royalty, realizing their situations were a reflection of their pain and they more than anyone else needed love.  Loving them in their pain did wonders for me in mine.  It was a wonderful day.  I hated that Todd couldn't be there and that a couple of the kids opted out of going for one reason or another.  But I praise God for the time with Seth and Dramatic Flair... and without a doubt the time with Eathan.  He was very near in my heart that day... and every day.  And I know, were he still on earth, he would have served better than the best. 








Convention Center that served thousands



my serving tag





Seth setting up tables



Dramatic Flair hard at work





many sat like this all day





all their earthly belongings....



So Again, that little fellow impacted me because even in his death, his life propels me into a place outside of myself and my pain.  My nugget for today is to look at the pictures planted throughout this post.  Look at the hurting.  Remember their pain and then try to do something, somehow, to make it better... even if only a smile for a moment.  Then watch how your pain eases.  Those people that day were my pain pill for my heart.  And I pray, in some small way, me and my sweet children were able to do the same for them.

Hugs and smiles... from my heart!

Robin