sweetest of dreams

Last night was a beautiful night... from start to finish! First of all, I ended up getting to attend Chonda Pierce. She is one of my most favorite people in the world because she is flat out hysterical, but even more, she is REAL... as in authentic. She has a testimony that is astonishing, but the bigger thing, she doesn't like her testimony to outshine Jesus. Therefore, whether laughing or crying, I am drawing near to God when I am listening to her. I did my most cherished belly laughing and I wiped some tears. Then I walked away peaceful (and its a good thing because some of those people in the parking lot left their religion in the building during the madhouse of trying to get out of there and without that peaceful feeling, I might have lost mine too! Ha!).

I came home and my family was all tucked in for the night so I had the quietness of the house to myself for a while. It was a great way to just let my mind go where it wanted to go. I remained very peace-filled as I laid my head down, not really thinking about anything in particular. It didn't take me long to be out like a light and next thing I knew, I was waking up to an accidental alarm at about 6:45 this fine Saturday morning. And it was when I awoke, that I realized how precious the rest of the night was in completion, that began so wonderfully with Chonda Pierce. You see, last night without even praying for it, I had a dream about my sweet son, Eathan! It is only the second one since he went to be with Jesus and my heart overflows. I fully believe as I sit here and type, that it was a God visit to my soul!

I don't remember exactly how the dream began, but what I do remember is that in my dream, I kept receiving surprise visits from Eathan in the different places I was in my life. The dream was very "now" in setting. I lived where I live, I worked where I work, the kids were the age they are. But in the midst of the normal life we lead, there would be these pauses where everything else stood still and Eathan would suddenly be there. He was just as I remembered him, only he was fully healed. No bandages, no bleeding, no disease, no scars. Just a spunky spirit that poured out of his sparkling blue eyes! We would laugh and play and run and hug. Over and over and over again. There seemed to be no real purpose to the time, other than pure enjoyment of our love for one another. He would come and then he would go. In the different places in the dream, when he would go, I would run to my family or to my friends and joyfully explode that I had been blessed with time with my son. Some would overflow with belief, others would look at me as if I had lost my last marble. But the thing that I realize most, is no matter how they reacted, my joy was not changed. It was real, it was beautiful, and it was a gift that could not be stolen.

As I awoke and lay there trying to soak in every detail of what I remembered, I felt strong emotion. I wanted so badly to go back to sleep and have him return so ALIVE in my dreams. It feels today as if I was truly with him for a time last night. It is a strange reality when dreams feel so a part of reality and yet you know in your awakeness, they aren't... or... are they? And that is what leads me to this writing today. I have a nugget for this day that came to me in the sweetest of dreams.

I don't know what you grieve. I don't know all of your stories or all of your pain. I don't know where you have been or where you wish you could go. I don't know what you would change if you could from your past or what you could change in your present if you could. But I know, because we all live in a world where Satan is real and sin is real, we all have some things that from our view, isn't what we would like them to be. And we all have the reality that until Heaven, it is going to stay that way. And we have the understanding, if we know our Savior, that we aren't meant to understand. As Chonda reminded me again last night of the very thing God has said to my own heart time and again as I grieve for my sweet "Tuffy", or endure confusion over my adopted children's pain from their past, "My ways are not your ways." But as much as we know that, it is still difficult in the moments. We cling to our hope in Him, but we hurt.

But then, just when we least expect it, God gives us something we didn't even know we needed. He blesses us in a way we would never have even known to ask for and in perfect timing for something we didn't even know to need. But because His ways are not our ways, He KNEW, He CARED, so He GAVE. For me, last night it was the sweetest dream in all the dreams I have ever had.

I used to pray so hard to dream of Tuffy. After he died, I would cry out to God to let me dream of him. I begged for just a window into Heaven. I felt if I could just see him there, it would help my hurt here. I had one dream in the beginning about a friend's husband who had passed away three weeks after Eathan. I had never met him or seen him, but had prayed deeply for him because we followed each other's medical journeys. He came to me in my dream, himself fully healed. I called my friend and described his looks, what he was wearing, and it was dead on. I knew then, that dream was more than my subconscious. God gave me that dream. It brought great comfort to Jenny and it brought great comfort to me because he told me in that dream that he and Eathan spent a lot of time talking about me and he told me how much that little boy loved me! That particular dream was so vibrant. The colors were almost shocking, they were so beautiful. It was a dream set apart from the things of this world. It was clearly in a setting I can barely comprehend. And I am certain, it doesn't even begin to compare to the "real deal" of actually being there! I remember rejoicing for that amazing dream, but wondering so much, why I couldn't have seen Eathan. I was grateful for the glimpse of Jenny's husband, but I wanted Eathan.

Over a year went by and then it happened. I finally dreamed of my sweet boy. There were so many nurses that had loved Eathan and I was so close to them. They had cared for us as their own family and ultimately, they became our family. My dream's setting was at Misti's house, one of his favorite nurses. It wasn't in the form of the first dream. It wasn't in vibrant colors that gave me a sense of heaven. And It didn't last long at all. It was a brief encounter where I went to visit Misti and she said, "Come in, I have something to show you!" and my little boy came running around the corner calling "mama!" I reached down sobbing and gathered him into my arms where he said, "I Lu you, Mama!" My heart melted. He was RUNNING and he was healthy! And then I awoke. Oh how I cherished that dream. So brief, yet so tangible. It felt as if I had really held him. I was so very thankful and have held to that short image all this time. It was a gift from God and I knew it. He had answered my prayer and I was forever grateful. I saw my son... healthy and healed.

For days I cried. It was very strange to me how much that helped, but also hurt. I so needed to hold him again. The dream was so real and tangible, that I wanted more. It brought the flooding need back to hold him, talk to him, touch him, hear him, smell him, look at him.... so much that I ached as if I had just lost him all over again. I was grateful, but still so new in grief as it was still just past the first year. I wanted more than just the brief encounter, but that is all I was granted. Again, His ways are not our ways.

Time marched on, healing has continued, and I have come to a place where though I miss him deeply, I am filled with joy and I am grateful for the life he lived. And I am now at peace that it was only for the time it was. I have not prayed to dream of him in a while and have come to a place of total peace that I will see him for an eternity in Heaven. I will miss him every day, but what a gift that I have every day to be excited about the reunion with my son and my Savior... among other precious people I love.

This time of year is hard though. I go back. I remember. I miss him terribly. I ache for others never to forget him. It is strange. I guess forever it will be this way, this time of the year. But still yet, I am so at peace and especially last night, I laid down pretty much mindless in my peace. Because we serve an amazing God whose ways are not our ways, He knew that last night was the perfect night for the most beautiful gift of time with my son BEFORE heaven comes for me. It wasn't because I was begging him for my way. It wasn't because of the time of year. It was simply because He knows me better than I know myself and He knew that dream last night, would be met in perfect timing for my soul.

I don't feel overwhelmed with grief today. I feel covered completely up in joy. I was with my son last night! Some would try to excuse it as my subconscious. Others would say it was memories. But my God knew that my soul was ready last night to embrace the fact that it was real, it was beautiful, and I could celebrate more than grieve in my awakeness from the visit. At this moment in time, I was fully ready... and didn't even know it... for the most wonderful time with my son!

And the other beautiful thing? It was shared at a time in my life where I am surrounded in a community that not a soul knew him personally. He is merely a story I can tell to those I exist with. So God, in His astonishing goodness, allowed me, in my dreams, to share my son with my new life down here! He brougth him to me to soak up and love on for another day on earth, so that his existence on earth remains real and tangible, if only for my heart to enjoy.

And He did it in a time when I could awake and truly cherish the dream more than grieve the deep loss the rest of the days without him hold. If I had experienced that dream any sooner, I would have missed the feelings of floating today that I have because I would have been suffocating under neath the waves of grief. His ways are not my ways. Chonda said it about her life. I have said it over and over in my life. And this day, as I type to you, I can absolutely, hands down claim how very thankful I am for that very thing. I danced with my son last night! It has been a long, painful road awaiting it, but God granted it. And though I absolutely long to do that every day, I still can say this day that last night was enough. It was a precious embrace of my Savior's grace to my mother heart that will carry me through another death date. It took some of the sadness away that so many I now know, do not know that sweet boy I love so much. And it was not so soon that I would miss the joy it brought due to a suffocating cloud of sadness.

So, my nugget for this day... just when you think you need something God isn't supplying, try to remember that it is not because He has forgotten, ignored, or certainly hasn't rejected you. It is because He is awaiting the perfect time, the perfect way, and the perfect answer. His ways are not our ways.... His ways are PERFECT! He visited me in my dreams last night, through the dance with my HEALED son... He will do the same for you... just trust and keep going.

Sweet dreams will come for what you await....

Robin