In the deafening darkness... joy

I haven't been able to write for a while again.  I wish I could just sit every day and write out every thought on my mind and heart.  But obviously, that isn't how I should do things.  That isn't what my writing is about.  It's about what GOD wants me to write.  Period.  I can wrestle with all kinds of thoughts, feelings, emotions, situations, but until it's what God wants, the screen remains blank.  Not because I don't try... believe me... I try.  It stays blank because when it isn't something God wants to do with me, it just falls flat.  I am thankful for that.  If left to my own devices, there is no telling how confusing I would be to anyone who chose to read. 

But today I can.  I know that I can, because I know what God is breathing into my thoughts today.  It all started with a picture this morning that I captured on my phone. 

It hit me as I was watching her, just how much joy I have in my life.  I know it often.  It is all around me.  But those of you that have any personal connection to me, know that we have hit a very dark place in the road again.  Sometimes, the darkness is so heavy, that the joy that surrounds us becomes shadowed. 

 

It's like trying to see a lighthouse from the middle of the ocean... in the midst of a terrible storm.  You know it is there, but only through totally blind faith. You want to see it so bad, but it can almost seem hopeless as the storm rages. But then, a hint of it erupts and it is as if you are suddenly sitting at the top of the lighthouse, looking out at the storm, rather than being drowned in it.  That's what this moment did for me this morning. 

 

She didn't know I was watching.  I had been distracted... that's been the story of my life the last few weeks again... and so she was doing here thing.  I am always captivated by her exuberance in life.  Every single thing she does is done with a smile and passion.  I love it.  I LOVE IT.  She was looking into Kiki's little eyes and giggling and saying some "I love you girl," things.  I grabbed my phone and captured the moment without her even realizing.  I have looked at the picture several times since. 

 

I posted the picture and still kept thinking about it.  The stirring was there... so here I sit.

 

Many would like to know what in the world is going on again with our family.  In some ways, I just want to write it all.  Every single detail.  But the logical side of me realizes, we have only just begun in the latest leg of this and though many want to know to be a part of the help and support, many just want to know so that they can know or even worse, make judgments or spew opinions.  Neither of those are something I want to invite into our lives at this point, therefore I will remain guarded. It also again involves criminal activity and we want the police to be able to do all they need to do to deal with those that need dealt with.  I am angry.  So, so angry and I don't want anything to hinder justice... and sometimes I find justice difficult to achieve.  It's a twisted, twisted world.   

 

What I will tell you is that what we are walking through... again... with our teen adopted daughter, is just about as bad as it gets.  The only thing I can think of, in all complete honesty, that would be worse than the situation we are currently facing, would be her death.  It's gut wrenching and awful what we are currently dealing with.  It's heartbreaking and paralyzing.  I said yesterday, "I don't even know who's life this is I'm in right now.  It sure doesn't feel like mine!  This is so foreign, scary, and unreal.  And Exhausting.  So, So Exhausting."  I won't share the details, but those that love us, this should be enough information for you to understand just how much we really, really need everyone standing in the gap.  Thank you because we truly know that you are.  The danger that has encompassed our daughter is beyond belief.  We are holding to the prayers more than I can explain.

 

The difficulties with our daughter have been life-long really, but have been so beyond intense the last 2-3 years. She came to us broken from the system that rescued her, but not soon enough.  Her normal is not peace and love.  It is chaos and pain. Though we had some really great years, even those still held the evidence of her brokenness.  Adolesence brought even further proof and the past year has been nothing short of a total nightmare.  God has opened doors for us each step of the way and just when we find hope, she finds a way to destroy the opportunity... and it gets more and more destructive every time.  The past few weeks have been the worst.  Just when I thought we had experienced the worst, we get new information and realize, in fact, it has gone to a darker place.  It's enough to make me want to curl up and try to sleep for the next few years. 

 

Until God does what He does... and gives me the joy that comes in the morning. 

 

Today, watching my sweet, innocent daughter play and love on her dog, I just felt like I was in the lighthouse looking out at the storm, rather than being ravaged by it like I was just yesterday.  I filled up with this sense of reasoning in my faith and I just knew... even before I can even know... I just knew God was whispering to me again... "Hold on Child.  I have never forsaken you yet.  Why would I now?  ENJOY life today... even when this is happening.  Why?  Because I CANNOT fail!" 

 

So many scriptures rush to mind... "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord..." (Jer 29:11-14);  " Fear not, For I am with you"  Isaiah 41:10; "In this world there will be trouble, but take heart for I have overcome the world" John 16:33; "but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"  Isaiah 40:31;  "God is love" 1John 4:8; "If God is for us, than who can be against us?" Romans 8:31.....   so many promises.

 

But the one I needed today is the one that hit me as I watched my daughter unknowingly pull me from the storm with her smile and giggles,  "Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning!"  Psalms 30:5.  This verse has meant so much to me in so many different situations in our journey. I have claimed and called it out to God, reminding myself that somehow joy would be found.

 

This morning, I remembered fresh again, it's not just that it comes... it is there... we just have to be willing to look for it no matter what is happening.  God can be found in any circumstance.  Yes, even in tragedy and darkness.  He isn't behind the evil of our world.  He isn't causing it. He can't.  He is GOOD.  But if we, as His children, find ourselves in it, we have to know... to KNOW... He is with us and in that, we can then know joy will come. It may not come as we want it to.  Believe me, I can name many times I have wanted my joy one way, but God provided it much differently.  Tuffy's heavenly healing for one.  I would never, ever, ever have chosen heaven for my little boy.  I wanted him here.  But JOY came.  Differently, but it did.

 

So today, with deep tragedy engulfing our hearts again and the darkness feeling darker than it's ever felt, through my youngest and our dog, God helped me see joy in the morning.  

 

I don't honestly know how the nightmare of what is taking place, due to horrible consequences brought from a child who would not allow God to work things out for her, will ever end.  I don't see any light at the end of that dark, dark tunnel.  But what I do know, is I still feel God near and I know that our joy is real, no matter what.  I have an amazing family.  We have been brought through many trials and our love is deep and rich for each other and for our Father in heaven.  What Satan means for destruction, God is constantly present and reminding us that He has victory. It is won before we ever even enter the battlefield, for goodness sake! As a result, our family are who we are... together and in Christ... because of what Satan meant for harm. 

 

Our Joy COMES!

 

I am Lots of times I am down right mad and just want to quit.  Enough is enough.  I am human and those feelings are real and thick.  But God loves me enough to whisper, "Robin, look!  LOOK!"  And when I do, things that others might see as no big deal, become my JOY in the morning.  And then I realize all over again, my tragedies and heartbreak, have given me a vision of life that I might otherwise miss.  And it is a sweet, tender vision and touch of joy that makes the tiniest details explode in vibrant colors of glory. 

 

My adopted daughter may never see them.  She is on a path of such pain and has been sucked so far down into the bottom of the pit, that I have no idea how we will begin to help her climb out.  And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, she never will if she doesn't truly surrender to Jesus.  That hurts to write... hurts even more to know as truth.

 

And I know, for whatever grief it causes me, how much more my Father and Savior, who know PERFECT love, feel it even more.  So I lay her at their feet... again and again and again. 

 

I will cry.  I will laugh.  But I will LIVE.  This is what I am here for.  Satan will not win.  He will not be able to smirk and dance on my defeat. I don't know how I will get through each day that is ahead.  All I know, is I am going to enjoy everything I can, even when there is so much that I can't enjoy.

 

I don't know if anyone needed to read this or if I just had some work to do in my own journey today, but if you did, God loves you. Even more,  I don't know if you are a rebellious teen who thinks you have life all figured out, but I assure you, you don't.  Your rebellion is dangerous and the consequences are grave.  If you are in a place of hating your family, and even more, ignoring our great God, please contact me on here so I can talk to you.  I am willing to share the story with any teen that thinks you are above danger and don't need protection from the family God has blessed you with.

 

I am so disgusted by teens on twitter. It's awful.  Parents, if you aren't watching, you are a fool.  There is so much hate, disrespect, vile language, and open promiscuity on twitter with no regards to the harm they are bringing to themselves, much less to anyone else.  I find myself praying for people I don't even know and fighting the need to message every single one of them.  I KNOW THE DESTRUCTION THAT COMES FROM REBELLION.  It may start with the cursing and lack of morals, but it leads to the same place.  Satan's grip.  He is everywhere... slithering around taking every single opportunity to steal our children and their innocence. 

 

Parents, if we don't battle him for our kids, who will?  Yes, we have battled hard and right now, we are on the losing end with one.  But I can look in the mirror and know that I have done everything humanly possible.  How much worse would my grief be if I had stuck my head in the sand and hoped it would get better on it's own?  And at the same time, I can look at my other kids, the ones that embrace God, and I see the fruits and I know without a doubt, God is behind it!

 

And how much worse would my adopted daughter be if someday, when I know eventually God will have the victory (I am claiming it!), if she couldn't look back and say to herself, "they never quit fighting, in Jesus name." 

 

Teens... you need God.  You need family.  WAKE UP!  Parents... you have to be parents!  WAKE UP!

 

And remember, this is coming from the mom who has buried her precious child and knows grief of the worst kind.  I can honestly say what we are dealing with right now is so much worse. Her brokenness has led to a darkness I only thought I would read about.  It just can't be ignored.  We cannot continue to let the world have it's way. 

 

ARMOR UP! 

 

Please, let joy come.  Let God!  It's the only way! 

 

Robin