Under attack

Do you ever just want permission to lay down and wallow?  Just really get down and dirty in self-pity?  Roll around in the dirtiness of unfairness and not even try to find the positive?  That's kind of where I am at this moment.

I haven't been here, like this, before.  It is new, unfamiliar territory.  My typical response is to try to find the good in the wrongs or unfair circumstances, even the big ones like my son dying. 

But tonight, that one email, it just sent me to a place where I am crying and just wanting to forget all the things I know; things Christ has taught me; things Christ has proven; and just have this melt down full on. Please tell me you have been there?  And if you haven't, please don't tell me anything at all. 

That's how I feel.

I wish I could say it was the big things going on right now that have me there.  My son in boot camp, my adopted daughter in her rebellion and rejection of our family, my husband not ever being able to fully kick feeling ill from his MRSA battle, but it's not those things.  It's like those things are all so big that I easily give them to God.  I need Him in them so much that it isn't even in my flesh thoughts to try on my own. 

It's the little things that are tearing away at me piece by piece that have me in that place tonight.  It's a situation that I know where my heart is, but where a petty situation from a mad mom at something that has nothing to do with me, has decided, because of a roll I play in a volunteer position, that I am the target.  She is venting all of her anger in the situation that again, has nothing to do with me, all on me... and in a way that I am having a real issue shaking off.

Sometimes people say, "don't give the devil so much credit."  And you know what?  They are right.  Satan doesn't deserve that much power in our lives.  But the fact is, sometimes we have to flat address it for what it is before we can really open up to position ourselves with Christ and victory.  I really believe that.  I believe sometimes, we just have to "call a duck, a duck."  Tonight, I am calling it.  Satan knows I am vulnerable most in this area.  He knows the reasons why.  And he is bringing it at me in the most passive-aggressive, but obvious ways. 

And I hate to say it, but in a way, it's working. 

I know that I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13 my paraphrase).  I know that if God is for me, who can ever really be against me (Romans 8:28-31 my paraphrase)  I know that His light always, always separates the darkness (Gen. 1:4).  But, as I stated to a friend earlier this week, it truly is darkest just before dawn. 

And I hate the darkness.

I find myself wrestling with what my heart knows and what my mind is sorting through.  I find it so surreal, how after all I have walked through and am walking through ... illness, my son's death, Todd's sudden job loss that led us away from our family and friends to new lives down here, to the deep issues our older two have brought into all of our lives because of the pre-adoption pain.... that it's this smaller thing that is just eating me up right now.

Why is that?  Why is it that I can see it, know it, but still feel so flat beat down over it?

Funny thing, even as I type that question, I already know the answer, but it doesn't help.  I know that it's because my flesh is still very real and this world is still very hard.  Faith that can move mountains doesn't mean that it won't hurt and there won't be struggles.  I wish it did.  Especially tonight.  I really, really wish it did. 

Even funnier, I know to expect this stuff to come.  Every single time God shows Himself mighty, I have learned to expect the quiet, small, but ever painful stabs of the enemy.

It's like a paper cut to my spirit. A paper cut?  Yes, a paper cut!

Have you ever been chopping onions and got carried away and took the whole tip of your finger off?  It hurts for sure, but it's the kind of hurt that almost takes a minute to feel.  It's deep enough that you almost see the gushing blood before you really realize how badly you have cut yourself. 

But a paper cut, is felt instantly.  The second that paper slides just even slightly wrong down your finger, you jerk back and have your finger in your mouth before blood ever begins. 

That's what I am feeling right now.  The big things, they go deep.  The pain they inflict is so deep, I don't process it as quickly.  It is a slow steady realization of just how bad it is, and I am already receiving Spiritual treatment when the depth of it is realized.  But this week, it has been this quick jab that is so superficial it just barely grazes the surface, but man it causes some instant knee-jerk pain in the moment. 

I know it will pass. I have no doubt.  But still yet, no matter what I know, just like with that little tiny -no one else can even see it- paper cut, I feel it, and I feel it hard.

So I just want to throw a fit.  I want to throw myself down and cry like a baby for the next hour because it just isn't right.  I want to scream at things because I see what could be, should be, and is.  That's what I like to deal in, not the nonsense.  So what Satan brings fast is nonsense. 

I wish I was made more like those I know that just seem to blow things off.  No skin off their backs, ever, because they just don't get that close.  I am the type, I give all because I was made to love deep.  But that is a difficult way to be made.  I wish I wasn't.  I really wish I was made less emotional.

But who am I to question and challenge God on how He made me?  Just who do I think I am?  How arrogant to even have the nerve to think that much less write it. 

See, I know it... but it's not coming so easily tonight.

Cool thing though, the more I type about it, the more easier it seems to be.  Tears aren't falling anymore. I am starting to process correctly again in my emotions. 

The emotions are still there, but I am starting to feel I can control how I respond... just a little.    I would say it's because I am writing.  In reality, I know it is because God is reminding me, "come to me, you who are weary, and I will give you rest," (Mattew 11:28) and deep inside of me, I know that's the only way.

Being human is tough.  Free choice is sort of a prison all on it's own because we can so easily be enslaved by our flesh and emotions. 

But praise Him, FOR HE HAS OVERCOME THE WORLD! (John 16:33 my paraphrase)

I will claim that... while I finish a good wallow.... until it is all I feel again!

I wish I was writing on happier terms.  I wish I wasn't struggling with difficulty writing the last couple of months.  God is up to something.  I am being burdened to pray for many teens, situations, and things that are so not mine to deal with, but somehow keep landing in my lap.  I keep thinking I am going to write, but then I just feel the quietness of the Lord whisper down, "BE STILL."(Psalms 46:10)

God is big.  Beautiful things are occurring in the midst. He is everywhere, all the time.  I really mean that.  But dad gum Satan just picks away and makes me raw sometimes. 

BUT I KNOW THE PLANS HE HAS FOR ME!  AND THEY ARE GOOD! (Jer. 29:11-13 shortened and paraphrased)

Praying for you all.  God, come near to us all!

Robin