Last couple of weeks have been pretty tough. My friends lost their sweet Lucy. I have already shared the depth of my pain for them and the resurfacing of all those familiar feelings for me. But then in the midst, I had my parents here for a week and that was sheer bliss! I loved every minute of it, but as usual, it ended far too soon. And the reality of how much I miss them, miss home, comes plowing back in the second we hug necks and I watch them drive away. I think after 10 years here, it will be hard to watch them pull away. I think I will remain homesick for them no matter how "at home" I am here.
Then this time my baby drove off with them. I have blogged about that as well, but let me tell you, one week later, I am aching for my little girl. I miss the sound of her playing upstairs all by herself but in a way that would convince anyone she had ten friends over as she animates her animals, her barbies, her American Girl dolls. I miss her hugs that remind me, as big as she is getting, she is still so little and needy at times. I miss her laugh that makes the room laugh no matter what. I miss the sparkle in her eyes that comes straight out of her sweet little heart. And I can tell you, being without her for a week now, is a total downer. I am lonesome for her. I've enjoyed some pretty special time with the rest of my family, but I miss her.
But the things that are really working on me are the things I have no control over. For example, when certain things should be easy and they aren't... and I can't figure out what happened to change it. Or coming to terms with my parents moving mid-August and I will never spend another night in the bedroom I grew up in and it will be several months before I see for myself where it is my parents are laying their heads down to sleep at night in their new home. Or the reality of summer coming to an end and the grief that brings because I love being a mom more than anything in the world and summer allows so much freedom in just basking in that one, most treasured "hat" I wear. As well as already seeing the busy-ness of schedules and demands take control of the calendar. I could go on and on. Couldn't we all?
And the thing is, sometimes lately, even when surrounded by others, I have felt so alone because of all the emotions going on inside from situations on the outside. When you are with others and feel alone, that is not something you can control. No one would choose to feel that. No one would create that or keep that if it were, at least not when joy is the craving of every day. Right in it all, I can dead on, almost eye to eye, see Satan standing there with his bone-chilling stare, half smirked mouth, head cocked to the side in arrogance, waiting, hoping to see if he got me. Oh how he hopes he's got me... and my joy! And he hopes that for every single person on earth that is a threat to his malicious intent to kill and destroy for as long as he can.
Young to old, no matter where we are, he desires nothing more than to see a fog consume us to the point of loss of any focus on where we are headed. He knows, when that happens, joy is crushed, and to him, even it is only momentarily halted, he will take it. That one moment thrills him because he is so desperate for victory he can nearly taste it... yet knows ultimately it will never be his! Yet, he is determined to fight for it until his bitter casting off into the eternal pit of hell. And I can tell you, sometimes I can almost feel his hot breath on my neck as he pursues to derail my focus.
I shouldn't be surprised. It isn't my first rodeo with the sinister snake. He has been coming after me since I can remember. And because we have a history, I can't even say I am surprised he is breathing his hate so down my neck, as I push on in pursuit of a continued life with Jesus. The more I love Him, the more satan hates me. And sometimes the battle is personal to a level I can (minimally at best) almost relate to how Jesus must have been feeling in the Garden of Gethsemane that night he prayed. He was aware.... He is God! He knew before Satan, what was about to take place. And as much as we may feel hatred from the serpant, Jesus was the ultimate hated. He was the One that Satan hated above all. And Jesus knew how far satan was willing to go in his hate and desperateness to just TRY to taste victory.
Can you just picture how he lavished in his wretched, twisted celebrations over the very grave Jesus lay in those three days? It sends a ripple of trembling through my body to think of the scene we are so familiar with from the salvation side, when I think of what it might have been from the dark-side. It violently disgusts me. As I type now, I become keenly aware of the contorted look on my face that has arrived so instinctually as I consider the thought of evil ectasy of Satan and his demons in that short time after Christ paid our price.
So... of course I am struggling right now! I am so tender to Jesus and I am desperate to do what He wants me to do. I am trying in all humility to find my way to the cross each day because God loves me enough to lead me. Satan's intended victory was but only an almost taste because Jesus arose from that death, victorious for all eternity, offering that same victory to all of humanity amd satan was left, yet again, just wishing to taste sweet victory knowing it would never, NOT EVER be his for the taking!
Today I was reminded of a bible verse I have held to for such a long time, especially as I watch my two adopted children battle through the bondage of their biological beginnings. It is found in Romans 8:38-39 and it says, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." I have held to those promises so many times along the way. From being a young Mommy-to-be finding out I had lost my baby and cancer was looming inside an ovary the size of a grapefruit; through failed adoptions where birth moms changed their minds; through the miraculous gift of being able to give birth to Seth; to his horrific accident that burned him severely at such a young age; to being a mommy four more times through giving physical birth and adoptions; to horrendous disease slowly deteriorating my youngest son's precious life away on earth; to the joy of my kids who have grabbed onto Jesus; to the sadness of the two that are struggling in the battle for the spiritual soul due to an inability to leave what was and embrace the joy adoption has brought; to financial difficulties from medical issues; to job loss; to new opportunities... to, to, to..... If I tried to write out all the highs and all the lows, you would vomit and never read again. (May not now... who knows.) But the thing is, I have held to the words in that scripture.... and God knew today, I needed it... right then. RIGHT THEN!
God knew, like no one else on earth, how much I was needed a Heavenly hug of hope today. And He sent it, in such a familiar word from His Holy book, that just breathed over me. I have cried several times today. The reasons are private and personal and necessary. And God has said, "Robin remember the words I had written....For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.... satan cannot win. He cannot win. You know this. He CANNOT win. He just wants you to think he is so you get lost in some fog."
What I wouldn't give for one day as a 7 year old again.
- A day where the hardest thing on my mind is what stuffed animal to sleep with or what snack to choose since I really want them both, but I am not allowed.
- A day where losing a tooth is as big as climbing mount everest and the tooth fairy reward is like the lottery.
- A day where I have experienced sad things, but that was yesterday and I don't even think about tomorrow (unless of course there is a birthday party to get to), but this day in this moment is the best EVER!
- A day where I am truly living out the reality that Satan has no hold... because I am so young and so innocent I can't grasp anything but the purity of God.
- A day where I know my parents have talked to me over and over and over about stranger danger and how to be safe, but I have zero reason to really understand what they speak of could actually happen to me... and does happen to others just like me.
- A day where there might as well be a money tree in the backyard because I live totally without concern
- A day where a hug from a friend that has been a friend for life is the most innocent selfless act the world can know... on both parts
- A day where when your mama says, "I miss you soooo much! Do you miss me soooo much too?" You say, in such authenticity and without an mallice, "Well to be honest, I miss you a little" because you are having too much fun to worry about missing your mom much
Yet in a way, I would never want to go back, because just like today, when I feel teary all day long because my friends are hurting, my parents are far away, I didn't get to travel home as planned because of an unforseen money issue, and I miss my little girl... I feel Jesus come close in a way that I never knew or needed at the simple life of seven, and I like it. I like that I am truly getting to know Jesus more and more through each joy and tear as my personal, unfailing, friend as well as my rescuer, redeemer, protector, avenger, and of course, Savior... and that I truly, truly understand I NEED him!
It amazes me how hard things draw that out, when He owns our heart. I heard on a Beth Moore video, "Any place we see God transfigured, can turn out to be the greatest mountaintop experience of our lives... even it is happening in the worst pit we can imagine." Instantly I agreed with her... because I have been there... on numerous occasions... and am even there right now. I don't think anyone really understands how hard I have taken some things. How could they when even I am surprised? But God does and He knew before I felt it all.
He knew how much a friend would hurt would she was asked to cross paths with a total stranger in the very moments after the poor woman found out her husband had just committed suicide. He knew how much my son would hurt at such a young age when he experienced a cruel disease. He knew how deep the anguish would become before healing begins for those that loved sweet, little Lucy. And He knows what I am feeling as I absorb and process all that is on my heart right now. And He has my back. And He has your back.... for eternity. And today is the kind of day I couldn't be more grateful for grace and hope!
Hope you are having a better day than me. But if your not, hope you will try like me, to be a fierce warrior like my Eathan was, knowing the victory cannot be lost with Jesus as Commander and Chief. He really, really is all we need.
Robin
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