vulenrability hurts... hurts bad!

Well, I can honestly tell you that today, in a random occurrence of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, I was CRUSHED by an individual whom I sure by now has moved on to his next victim, totally unaware of the devastation he caused me.  And as much as that should make me buck up and move on myself, not giving him another moment of my thoughts, instead I am sitting here crying like a wounded child, even more BECAUSE he has probably just moved on.  I feel very raw and exposed... by a total stranger of whom I hope to never EVER see again. 

I was in a wonderful mood driving along in my wonderful neighborhood, singing wonderful Christmas music.  I rounded a corner that I round a billion times a week in my route to and from my home, and was heading down past the neighborhood park.  I noticed a kid, probably about 3rd grade, darting towards the street.  He wasn't looking anywhere but straight ahead.  I quickly began to break, keeping my eyes locked on that little boy, trying to determine if he was going to stop or keep going.  I was prepared to react for his safety, should he keep going.  He did stop, so I never fully stopped.  As I was slowly driving past him, I could tell he was intently looking at something, and was kind of grimacing.  It dawned on me at that point, something of his must be in the street... and I must be right on top of it. 

I stopped my car and rolled my window down.  I said to the boy, "Do you have something in the road?  Did I run over it?"  As I was proceeding to put my car in park to get out to help.   Before he could even answer this very tall, older man charged towards me in a very violent manner and began yelling at me at the top of his lungs.  He belittled me in every way he possibly could about my "trying to run over the ball" and being a "stupid person".  I was stunned into paralysis, sitting there in the middle of the street.  The little boy had come around and gotten the ball that was NOT under my car, but on the other side at the curb.  I glanced over and asked the boy if I had hit the ball and he said no.  I looked back at the man and raised my voice to interrupt his yelling and said, "I didn't see the ball because I was concerned about the BOY!"  He then ran with that and told me how I needed to broaden my scope in driving and etc. etc. etc.  He was yelling at me that I needed to slow down, stay off my phone, learn to drive... it just went on and on.  I was so frustrated that I finally just yelled back "You need to grow up Sir!" He obviously has well trained off-spring because then a teen came behind him and began to tell me I needed to grow up and learn how to drive. 

Finally, I got my bearings enough to realize I didn't have to sit here and listen to this and I left the scene.  It took a couple of minutes to digest but then the tears started and I am telling you, I can't get them to stop. It is hard to explain the seriousness of the situation really.  The way that man acted, with his words, but most of all his size and demeanor towards me, made me feel completely attacked.  I felt like at any moment he might just punch me in the face... because I was watching the BOY and not the BALL!  Is that as crazy to you as it is to me?

I cried briefly with a friend I saw, then held it together until I was back in my car and alone.  Then the tears started all over and I can't seem to stop.  So I did what any good blogger would do... I came to my blog so I could type it all out and hopefully get past it.  It isn't hurting anyone but me at this point and I really don't want it to hurt me.  I was RIGHT to watch the little boy and not be concerned about what was in the road.  HE was what mattered.  But man, the attack came so unexpectedly as I was preparing to get out of my car and help the little boy, that I felt more vulnerable than I have in a very long time to something that doesn't have one ounce of heavenly purpose in it unless I find heavenly purpose.  So I sit and I type through blurred vision from the pouring tears, knowing there is ALWAYS heavenly purpose if we will wait and listen.... and in my case right now... type and think, type and think, type and think....

Please don't feel sorry me.  I know every person that might read this blog has been there yourself.  I am not the only poor sap that has fallen prey to someones obvious anger and arrogance.  No, don't feel sorry for me please.  That is not why I write.  But DO feel.  Experience it with me for a moment, would you?  Because maybe if we all remember how absolutely horrible this feels, we will continue to be the ones that try never to be the one to do this to someone else.  I am not afraid to stand up for myself.  I am not afraid to stand up for what is right.  And I am not afraid of being honest when I think someone is doing something intentionally wrong to hurt another.  But I do not have the ability, even to someone as deserving as this man was today, to treat someone with such disrespect and callousness.  I just don't.  And I am amazed that others do. 

I wonder about that man.  What does he do for a living?  Is he someones boss that can never be pleased?  Are his kids really ever good enough for him?  Does his wife live in fear of every pound she might gain or what words she might say wrong in front of his important "others" in life? And how far does he go with his attack on her if he would all but hit me, a total stranger AND a woman? Does he care for his parents as they age or cast them off to paid care completely?  Does he claim to be a Christian and attend church only to make a lost person never want Christ if THAT is what having Christ looks like?  All these things spiraling through my head because some stranger felt he should absolutely attack and belittle me because I kept my eyes on what really mattered in the circumstance rather than the THINGS of the circumstance that could be replaced.  (Well crud, the tears are flowing heavy again.)

It has been several  hours since it happened, and here I sit , wiping my nose and shedding tears.  Why?  Why in the world is it upsetting me so?  I have cried to my husband, my mom, my friend, and talked to my kids about it and what we can learn from him about how NEVER to treat another human being for ANY reason, EVER.  I have been so emotional and upset while he, no doubt,  went back to his basketball game and has moved on to something else.  He could care less what I feel and obviously even felt elevated in my obvious weakness in the moments of his aggression towards me.  Ahhhh.... my WEAKNESS!  That's IT!  That is IT!

As I type, I realize it is that some careless, mean-spirited stranger found joy in my weakness and beat me up all over the place inside my heart using MY own weakness.  It is MY weakness that Satan is after through him.  I have never, ever been treated that way.  Not by my daddy, my husband, or any man I know.  But a total stranger absolutely came after me in every way BUT physical and definitely used his size as an intimidation that he COULD come after me physically at any moment.  But even more, he intimidated me as a person of value.  He wanted me to feel humiliated and worthless... and every human being on the face of the earth wants to avoid that feeling at all cost!  No one, not even that horrible man, wants to feel that.  So while most of us try to feel more than worthless through being of value, he obviously finds his worth through destruction of others.  How very sad... for all involved.

But how clear is it that it is Satan.  My friend said to me today, "We will just pray to get Satan out of your head!"  That is it.  This man is JUST a man, but that attack was straight out of hell.  Satan came at me, guns blazing today, and sent me for a ride.  That man may not even realize how deep that went, because he was obviously the tool of one far more destructive than anything any of us can understand.  And he did it in a season that has been a pretty rough ride as of late with Todd's illness and etc.  I was WEAK so he upped the game, pulled a new stunt, tried to derail my hope.  Stupid Satan sucker punched me through a very mean individual who was apparently more than willing to be the tool....

The verse that comes to mind... "Greater is HE that is in ME than he that is in the world."  That's my nugget for the day... to myself and anyone else that has been sucker punched by the stupid, stupid devil in disguise.  Its okay to cry and hurt.  Just remember what it is.  I will remember what it is. We will take a few deep breaths, stand back up, stronger than when he knocked us unexpectedly off our feet, because "GREATER IS HE THAT IS IN ME THAN HE THAT IS IN THE WORLD!"

The tears have flowed, but I know they are cleansing.  It is good to cry sometimes... and cry hard.  So today, I have done that.  I am very tired now and will probably have the best night's sleep I have had in a LONG time.  I will pray for that man... and even more for those kids he affects and whatever other family he has.  I will pray for the people he works with and the people in the places he will go.  He needs prayer and he needs my forgiveness... even if he doesn't know it.  So I will pray until my mind and my heart agree on the matter.  And I will remember, should I ever see him again, "GREATER IS HE THAT IS IN ME THAN HE THAT IS IN THE WORLD!"  And THAT shall be the ONLY thing I say to him!

Blog therapy is now complete... now must get family lovin therapy and sleep therapy. 

Thanks for reading...and I hope you never ever meet this man until he finds God!  :)

Robin

(By the way.. if you read this regularly, I would love for you to be a follower so I have an idea who is getting on. I like to pray for you!  My site shows how many hits and there are many.  I am blessed.  Eathan's life is worth sharing!  And I have a feeling, had he been in my shoes today, he would have done a much better job with the big, bad, bully! :)!  )