letting go....

Letting go.  Now THAT is a powerful statement, is it not?  It has many different meanings in many different circumstances.  Tonight, for me, it is powerful and I have no doubt, the test at hand of where my faith is in this particular season in my life. 

So much has gone on the last few weeks.  Todd being sick of course, but beyond that.  Things that have come flying at me before I even knew to duck or take cover.  Honestly, I could really have a pity-party screaming fit right now.  It's right there in my flesh, screaming for me to do it.  But something is stopping me and that is why I will write tonight, when I should be in the bed. 

Yesterday was a particularly difficult day on many levels.  We went back to the doctor for the weekly visit with Todd.  Didn't love what I heard.  Then, sadly, I found out my troubled nephew made some horrendous choices and it looks like he will be facing some much deserved prison time.  That hurts on levels I can't even explain.  He is young.  He is as lost as they come.  And you can't help someone until they are ready for help.  So his price will be high and he will never have the life on earth he was meant to have.  It can be good again some day should he turn things around.  It can be beautiful for a testimony of Christ rescuing and radically changing a life, should he want Christ to do so someday.  But it will always be tainted with his recent choices.  It breaks my heart.  It breaks my family's heart.  And I am here, far from them,  helpless to even hug my family and share in the burden his choices has brought to them all. 

Among that, some other difficult things were still at play as well, but then, the final difficulty is we got word that Todd's sweet grandmother, MeMolly, has taken a turn for the worse and was moved to hospice.  They were evaluating her today.  That was the most difficult part of all.  Here we are, ten and a half hours away from everyone, Todd is sick, things are hard, circumstances seem to keep mounting, and then we find out sweet Memolly is far worse than we realized... or maybe wanted to realize.  I felt more alone last night then I have since we moved because I felt such a need to hug my mom, my mother-in-law, and Memolly.  Sometimes a girl still just needs those hugs.  Last night was without a doubt one of those kind of nights.

Tonight though, I received a beautiful picture of Memolly laying in bed.  Its the one you see here now.  She felt good enough that when I sent a response to the picture saying, "I love her so much!" to my mom-in-law, she responded , "Meep said thank you!  She loves to hear that!" It blessed me more than I can explain.  to know she knows we love her... while so far away and unable to be there, is simply priceless.  PRICELESS.  And it led me down that place I love to go to, that is filled with reflection and remembrances.  And of course, Eathan surfaced immediately.  Raise your hand if your surprised.  What?  No takers?  Of course not!  How could I NOT think of that little guy.  His death date is next week.  And now someone else we love is preparing for HOME.  Of course I would think of him.  And boy am I glad I did.  A nugget came instantly.  So I now write it out in order to remember it when I need it.  And I write it in case one person reading this needs it as much as me.

The nugget is quit holding on so tight to all the other things and use all of that effort to hang on to the One thing!  That's it... let go of it all... whatever your all is!   Seeing sweet Memolly in this picture, reminded me that every painful circumstance from the smallest to the largest, every defeat, disappointment, loss, hurt, and isolating moment will be worth it because it is not about what is happening now.  It is about what is happening for Heaven.  Holding on too tightly to a plan for healing, for restoration of broken relationships, for understanding, for explanation, for anything, is dangerous if it is held more tightly than holding on to God.  It gets in the way.  It fogs the view and clouds the heart.  But when you let go of all of the circumstances and grab hold of God with every ounce of your being, something beautiful happens right smack in the middle of all the pain.  This picture was that "right smack dab in the middle" event for me today.  I needed to see her sweet face. I needed to remember Tuffy's.  And  I needed to know she knew I loved her, Todd loved her, and that she understood that love carries across the miles between us.  I needed to remember that Eathan took our love with him.  I needed to know that those I love dearly, know that my heart is meant for love no matter what is taking place because Jesus is the thread between it all.  And I needed to be reminded of where I am headed.

Though she and Eathan are far apart in age, the process of preparing to meet your Maker is timeless.  There is something so beautiful about Memolly tonight.  Something... I don't know... ready!  Saw the same thing in my little boy.  The circumstances and pain is not the point of it all, no matter how much the moments right now are demanding our focus, our attention, our energy, ...it's just Satan's fog getting in the way.  It's the smoke screen.  But if we can pause for a moment and wait, God will show up, right on time and beautiful.  Tonight he came in the face of sweet Memolly, as she prepares for her homecoming.  And it shows up in my heart over and over as I think of sweet Tuffy and his little precious life lived out so bravely and purely.  Remarkable to my soul, is how her body is aged and ready, his was barely used... yet ready, all because both of them were prepared and peaceful for their homecoming.


But since they are hard, I want to be like Eathan.  I want to be like Memolly.  I want to be less about the pain and focus on the One that will end it for eternity.  The cliche of course is live each day as if it were your last... if only we really did that.  We too, in spite of all we are enduring, can be fully at peace.  So tonight, before bed, I am letting it all go... AGAIN... and grabbing tight to the One safe place.  I will have to do it again tomorrow, I am sure, but for tonight, thanks to that sweet face of Memolly, I reflected, embraced rembrances, and released. 

I am now going to go kiss my precious family as they sleep and lay my head down for peaceful, RELEASED sleep...

Robin