The moment....

I watched that movie a while back... "The Time Traveler." It was interesting. Today as I am am doing laundry, cleaning, and getting ready to go paint, I am listening to my baby girl playing in the room right next to where I sit and type. That movie came to mind, as I contemplate the wonderful sounds pouring out of her room, only to look to the next room and see teens doing things that are so much older. What is perpetuating those sounds from the room of my dramatic flair, as I so foundly have termed my youngest, has disappeared from the lives of my older kids. It was there one moment in time, but it has vanished and is replaced by behaviors more similar to my adult world than I care to admit. Confessing, I say as I write this, it has been an interesting few weeks since I last wrote and today, as often it does, time has captured my breath and stolen it away from me with a sudden gasp. Suddenly, I find myself somehow almost wishing I had the curse of time travel as the guy in the movie.

Almost wishing? Curse? Why would I ALMOST want a CURSE? Well, almost is the key, how it is a curse will come later. But in my mom-heart and mom-thinking, when the reality of how quickly it is all passing settles in harshly yet again, then yes, I become conflicted in almost yearning for the curse of time travel. I will arrive at the explanation of why it is a curse, but before hand, I simply must address the realness of the pricking of my heart that came out of nowhere again today.

Giggles, talking, role playing, banging, and an outpouring of Dramatic Flair in her finest has stirred deep emotions this day, when I wasn't even having one of "THOSE" days. I never know when they will hit. I think most moms can attest to this. It is like a sudden arrest of the heart... in the most painfully, beautiful infliction of emotions. It is when you are busy with the "nothings" of life and you suddenly are bombarded with emotions for the joys of life that you are must vulnerable. You know, those moments when you are cleaning toilets and just moving along, not giving thought to the blessings all around you. Not so much that you are taking it for granted, but just moving along in normalcy. A today kind of day. Out of the blue, your mom strings are yanked with such strength that you are certain the heart will explode. What is most funny about it is recognizing that usually what is causing the arrest is the most basic, simple, fleeting moment that anyone, but the mom experiencing it, would be certain not even to notice. But for the mom, it is not only noticed, it is almost dibilitating and the only option is to pause and reflect. It is the gift of remembering what it is about these precious individuals God has granted us on loan for His time choice, that makes us love in a way that we would, without hesitation, die in order to save them. It isn't grand and obvious, but to the Mom's heart... it is the most profound of all experiences.

So it was for me today. I was loading laundry from the washing to the drying phase and those sounds poured out. I found myself unable to continue the task at hand, and instead slipped down the hall, sitting at the computer station just outside her door where I could listen and yet appear busy to her so as to not interrupt the pureness of her private play. I have quietly laughed at what I am hearing and I have fallen more deeply in love with her, which is always amazing to me because my heart already feels so full for my children. I have listened for a while and then I began to scan the house to see the rest of the ones that have me held captive to loving beyond what I knew could be. Then is when it came... that darn lump. The one that you try to push down, thinking "How silly! What are you getting all sappy about?", but the more you push it down, the more it grows until you just have to embrace the reality that tears are coming and it is best to let them come. So I surrendered to the emotions and reflected over what I have sort of been pushing back the last few weeks.

I will start with the child from Haiti. He is in the class next to mine and I get the daily priviledge of seeing him grow and bloom in his new environment. Not one single day since him came to our school, have I been able to make it through an entire day without falling prey to emotions, realizing all that poor baby has endured in his very short time on earth. His life was harsh and so unfair BEFORE the horrendous earthquake. But then he witnessed and endured more than my mind can comprehend during and after the quake. And yet every day, there he is, trying his best to learn a new language, a new culture, new faces every where he turns, and a new family that doesn't eat what he ate (however limited that was), doesn't sleep how he slept, doesn't look the way he looks, and on and on and on. Yet every day, in the midest of all he has endured and in the midst of all the huge changes, I am met with the most tender eyes and a smile that makes me guilty of coveting the family that now calls him son! He changes me every single day that I see him and interact with him. I need to be more like him. My emotions have been THICK. Be glad I haven't posted in a while. You probably would have gagged from all the sappy writing!

Then, this past week, we celebrated Seth's birthday. Not just ANY ol' birthday, might I say, but THE birthday. The one that represents to official ending of his childhood and the beginning of his teenage phase in the growth process. I haven't been able to grasp any of my kids turning this age, but for some reason, maybe mostly because Eathan isn't here to come next, this one hit really hard. How is it that the baby of which I remember like yesterday, anxiously waiting for him to be born and placed in my arms, turned THIRTEEN. He was JUST born YESTERDAY! When I prepared for his birthday this year, I was amazed in some ways he was ONLY thirteen. He has such wisdom for his age. He has a spiritual depth that it is hard sometimes to remember he really is as young as he is. But he also has an innocence and a need for us as his parents that in other ways he shouldn't be so old. My son is THIRTEEN. How? Emotions are strong.

Those, among other things like missing my family, missing friends, missing horses and that beautiful Donkey we love so much, and then Dramatic Flair's play today, built up, brought the lump and turned my "nothing" kind of day into this writing kind of day. Maybe this helps explain where I am as I sit and write. And maybe it can be more understood how my thoughts may have wondered to the need for the curse of the Time Traveler. I don't want one single, beautiful, precious memory to fade. I want to remember everything we have done and said and shared in love. I want to remember chubby toddler hands, funny words they said thinking they were saying them right, but were coming out wrong. I want to remember those hugs that held on to me as if I was their total life line. It is all going so fast and the difference in behaviors on their "nothing" kind of day makes that even more clear. I have three teens and a six year old.... BUT THEY WERE ALL JUST BORN! And I have a son that I haven't held in so, so, so long! I want to go back. In this moment, I want to go back and relive every single joy all over again.

But ahhh.... the curse. I guess I must return to that side of it. In the movie, the Time Traveler has no control on when he travels back and when he is in the present. In order to go back, it always required him to leave wherever, whatever, and whomever in his present moment. That brought a lot of pain. And then, when he would go forward, it revealed things that when he landed back in the present, he could not alter, but either look forward to or dread. So as I watched the movie, I remember thinking what a curse that would be. Sometimes the greatest moments are only great because they are IN the moment. I want to go back so badly sometimes, especially where my little Eathan is concerned. Just one more hug. One more kiss. One more time of hearing, "I lu you Mama". I truly want that in my fleshly, mother's emotions. But then I realize to go back would to force me and him to not just relive the precious moments of joy and love, but all the things that were so, so hard in his short time on Earth. And I realize it is the same with every single one of my children.

Tell me, any of you reading this, how many would ever even want to relive a skinned knee of one that is loved? None of us would chose that, would we? Or how many of us would want to know that no matter what we did to fight what was revealed, we or someone we love, would die at a certain moment in time? Not me. I couldn't have endured Eathan's journey the way I did, had I have not had the hope and he had the hope to keep living every day believing there COULD be another day, another chance for healing. And I certainly couldn't stand to relive his death. It is in my memory like a perfect video I can play over and over... every detail etched there in my remembrance more vivid in some ways than colors I can look at in my present state. But to ACTUALLY be there that night again.. NO WAY!

So I guess what I am saying, is that today, my heart was arrested in the ever growing reality that this time is fleeting. As much as I want to slow it down or even go back and relive those precious moments, what I really need to do is savor the day, carrying it forward to the next moments. To go forward would require missing the now. And though sometimes the NOW can be pretty tough at times, there are truly blessed moments in every layer of difficulty. The mold me, change me, shape me, grow me, and bless me. So... my nugget of the day is a repeat of what I said a few lines up.... Sometimes the greatest moments are only great because they are IN the moment.

Go enjoy your moments! Thanks for sharing in mine!

Robin