I feel the heat...

Well here we are, on the cusp of August in South Texas.  To say the heat is here is quite the understatement.  I go outside for 10 minutes and need a shower and a new set of clothes.  After 5 years in this part of Texas, I have yet to really acclimate to the humidity.  I think my make-up has.  It stays on a little better.  I know a bit more about how to handle hair down here.  But sweat reaction to the humidity is the same today  as the day we arrived.  Sometimes I miss the dry heat of the Texas Panhandle more than I have words.  In other ways, I have learned to appreciate the moisture.  My skin feels good here, that's for sure.  All in all, heat is heat whether wet or dry and if you live in Texas, you feel it.

But I continue to feel a different kind of heat as well.  I have been saying for a while now, I can feel the hot breath of Satan.  I can.  I do.  It is real.  If anyone watches the news, you should feel it too. Whether your own life is in a mountain top season, the reality is Satan is roaming wildly and with vengeance.  I honestly don't understand how people can live in the realities that are all around us and question the idea of good verses evil and who is behind them both.  Some call me naive for my beliefs.  I say, to not see what I see.. that is naive.  To believe there is not spiritual warfare going on in every corner of this earth is the most obvious form of denial and being naive I have ever known. It perplexes me on a daily basis.

As I was praying about some things over the last week or two, I had a huge shift in perspective as I thought about that hot breath all around us.  The simple yet profound thinking shift, is helping me more than I could have imagined to have peace in certain things that have been hurting and bugging me.  And it led me back to the keyboard.  Man, I love to be led back to the keyboard!

I read a blog of a girl today.  She said, "if people say they don't care if people read their blog that is **** and she used a choice word.  I thought about that.  At first I was didn't agree.  I write because of how it sets me free.  I never know who all reads and I try really hard not to focus on finding out.  But then, I realized, I do care.  Not how many.  Not who. I will forever say I don't do this for the number of people.  But I realize I really  I do care who reads because ultimately it is about more than just for my own personal gain.  I do write this stuff down on a public forum, fully in hopes that something that has helped me, can somehow help someone else.

I can't even count the number of times God has helped me through someone else. When I buried my child, some of the greatest survival therapy I found was reading about others that were ahead of me in the survival of grief from losing their child.  When I am struggling with the difficulties of my oldest two adopted kids, hearing from others that have been down a hard path of reactive attachment disorders comforts me.  When I am celebrating the success of my son and daughter still at home, but fear things they will face in the future because of this world, words of parents dealing with those things whispers encouragement.  Many times, what I needed to hear most was received from someone that was willing to be raw and real.  God would touch me and draw me back to him through them. I realized today as I thought about that girls blog... though I don't agree with why she says her reasons for it are, that I agree in some aspect.  I do hope I have readers because I do hope that God is reaching hurting people in any way He can... including through me if He wants.

So back to the heat and being led back to the keyboard....

The revelation is huge.. but simple.  some of our biggest battles truly are a war against Satan.  He is here to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10).  He is cowardly near with his hot breath wanting to harm us and cause us to harm each other.  He works hard at it and if we aren't careful, he can be very, very effective at it!

But the last couple of weeks and the situations that I have struggled with, I realize are not from Satan.  Oh, I realize for sure, if I allow him, they will be used by him to do what he does (again see John 10:10).  But what I realize is God has brought these things into my journey so that I had to dig deep and determine why I feel what I feel, think what I think, and do what I do right now.  God is never satisfied with where we are.  He always wants more.  And you can bet He will bring the heat that is needed to refine us.  It isn't always an attack of the enemy. God brings the heat to refine us.  Sometimes it is brought through seeing us through an attack of the enemy.  Other times, it is circumstances that He sets up so we have to look deep at ourselves and work it out with Him alone.

The three particular circumstances that have occurred over the past week or so, have made me pause and reflect a lot.  I have had to determine things I feel and believe about my past, my present, and my future.  Where I have been, where I am now, and where am I headed.  I have had to determine what makes me, me. Things that felt hurtful or confusing have been allowed because God needed me to recheck myself in alignment with Him.

As I have done that very thing, it has been a reminder of grace, mercy, love, forgiveness, and hope.  It has been a confirmation that I am walking with Him and for Him not anything or anyone else.  Whether in my personal life or my job, my value is not defined by people or their opinions of me, but only by Him.  And in Him I am free.  I am free of past mistakes that are not me any more.  I am free of present pain that is not mine to own, and I am hopeful of all that is guaranteed to be mine one day as long as my heart belongs to Christ.

God brought the heat.  He isn't just allowing Satan's hot breath.  I really believe He is bringing it.  He was the one opening the doors for some testing of my confidence both personally and professionally and I think tomorrow, He will reveal it is Him again when I go to a doctor  appointment that feels a bit scary.  He is bringing heat to remind me that I can't do it alone. Not the good or the hard.  He is making sure all over again that I remember that it isn't even my battle. It isn't about me.  It isn't about someone else.  If I remember what I know in my heart,  It is always and only about Him.  If I keep that as my focus, the rest just melts away.

Faith.

Doesn't mean it won't be hard.  Doesn't mean I won't hurt. Certainly, it doesn't mean I won't question, feel insecure, or even scared.  It just means at the end of the day, even in all my fleshly struggles if I am keeping, as the old saying goes, "the Main thing, the Main thing," I will lay my head down to peace no matter.  Something quiet will stir gently in my heart and my flesh will surrender to the still small voice.

Texas Heat is hot.  God's heat is overwhelming and intense in the most amazing way.  I just have to keep looking. I have to keep listening.  Mostly, I have to keep remembering where I have been with God so that I can remember where it is we are going!.

The Main thing IS the Main Thing!

Robin

Pivotal

Life brings those sudden, pivotal moments when you realize something unexpected has just occurred that has altered the way things are from that point forward.  And they happen all the time.  Isn't it amazing? 

While in the midst of all the election hate mixed with some decent true debate where both sides of the fence are actually honoring each other while sharing different opinions, (which by the way breeds so much respect from me no matter what side of the fence they are on.  The other... the hate words, the continuous posting of degrading pictures and comments towards one side or the other... it just makes me disappointed to say the least.) I experienced one such moment. 

It was last Sunday evening.  I was sitting in my car, praying for total strangers from a horrid wreck I had just come upon about 2 minutes after it happened on Interstate 20, about 6/12 hours from where I live.  People had already responded and emergency dispatch had already been called, so I stayed away and did what I could... I prayed.  I was very overwhelmed at what I had seen and became even more sad than I had already started the drive feeling--I had just said goodbye to my mom after a wonderful weekend visit where we met somewhere in the middle and did nothing but sit in a hotel and laugh and talk. I wasn't in the accident congestion long because I came upon it very soon after it happened and avoided the traffic that was backing up instantly behind me.  But just a short while later, I hit total stand-still in traffic again.  I was unsure of the cause and feared another wreck was ahead.

I have gotten used to traffic jams since moving to Houston.  You don't get on I-45 or any interstate headed downtown that you don't hit the traffic... no matter the time of day (though there are worse times of day and I have learned those also!).  I have learned to plan accordingly and use the time wisely.  I have learned I can either complain and view it as wasted time... or do something productive as I creep along.  One of my favorite things to do now is to search the stations for some good preaching. 

Sunday, in my sadness over goodbyes to my mom and over what I had witnessed, I was searching as fast as I could.  I needed a God diversion... and fast! The verse in the bible, "ask and it shall be given to you", so many times really means I have to wait for what I have asked for.  But never, ever, ever does God make me wait for Him to speak in His word.  It truly is alive... and I am certain, were no other man or woman to walk on this earth right now but me, He would have given that book just for me.  It's that personal.

So Sunday I said, "Okay God, I need a diversion.  Please show up on the radio.  I have 7 hours ahead and I don't want to spend it all twisted in emotions." 

BOOM.  There He was.  Speaking through a pastor that I didn't catch the name of.  I wish I had.  I would podcast all his sermons.  But God must have not wanted me to mistake the pastor as the messenger.  It was God. He was speaking to me through an anonymous source.  Wowza!

The sermon had nothing to do with what I was feeling or thinking, but instead, God refocused me to the things ahead.  Amazing, right? 

I have been teaching some teens about end times.  It is always so exciting to me... and overwhelming.  We did several weeks on it and then put that away for a while and plan to come back to it again.  I have found if we take it in pieces and digest it, it sticks.  So we are onto another topic now, but I am still processing and muling over all that God continues to enlighten in His word about the continually confusing prophetic teachings of end times.  Sunday, He threw me deep into it again... but it was built around the election coming on the following Tuesday. 

I did not early vote.  I don't know why, but this year I felt very strongly that I wanted to do it on the official day.  Sunday evening, it hit like a brick on the head on why I felt so strongly about waiting until that day.  I needed God to speak to me through that pastor BEFORE I voted.  It changed everything about my feelings going into the vote... and while I watched the results...and of course listened to the horrid bantering. 

I do not intend to even speak towards who I voted for, why, or what I think of the outcome.  My word, there is enough commentary both positive and negative on either side of that coin to last us into the 30th century!  Please know I have a strong view and deep convictions, and should a point come when my speaking those is vital, I will not stand down.  However, ranting on social media isn't my idea of vital. 

But as I listened to this sermon, I hit an unexpected pivotal moment in my spirit.  It didn't change who I voted for or why I voted the way I did.  Instead, it deepened my convictions of just what it is God is up to. There were/ are things I have been questioning and digging deeper on in scripture based on what I have been teaching those teens and questions I have in my own mind about the ever difficult book of Revelation and trying to pair it back with the prophecies of old.  Man did this man absolutely have to be Holy Spirit speaking.  It's like it dealt with exactly where I have been residing. 

I listened for about a solid 45 minutes with traffic barely creeping along. I am pretty sure God set the construction on that highway in that location, knowing I would hit the deadlock at just the time He planned to communicate with me. When the sermon was finishing the traffic was opening up and I was on my way.  The timing was unquestionable for me.  Some would try to lessen it to coincident.  No way.  Just absolutely NO WAY!

After he prayed, and I prayed with that unknown man through the radio, as if we were knelt at the alter holding hands, I turned the radio off and drove for quite some time in silence.  I so wanted to write down everything I had heard.  I am a strong note taker.  I am quick and fast and can catch almost every detail I desire to remember.  But I was driving and that wasn't possible.  So I tried to digest over and over the reflections from it so that it would bank deep within and not leave me before I could get home.

Now keep in mind, just before I left the hotel, I had turned to pick something up and before I even touched my hand on it, my back cracked and spasmed and for the first time, I felt what it feels like to throw a back out.  It hurt and as the day went on it hurt more and more.  So by now, sitting in a deadlock on I-20 with still over 6 hours ahead, I was really hurting.  I could just feel the hot breath of Satan trying to distract and destroy the treasures I had just received. Stupid Satan... so obvious sometimes! 

It made me so mad.

So I combated that sinister snake and rebuked his attempts and just drove, dwelling on the rich words of my Father.  After a while, I found a station and got my singing on and drove on in almost in no thought at all... about the sadness of the wreck, the loneliness of goodbyes to my mom, so far away from me again, or the burdens I feel over the ugliness surrounding the election, or the opinions of those that disagree on both sides.  I never got sleepy on the drive.  I didn't feel much other than I sang. 

It was one of the coolest drives home I have ever had. 

I thought at first I would get in and write it all down.  But by the time I got home, I felt no need at all.  And I haven't until now.  Yes, partly because I have been feeling like a 90-year-old all week and just trying to survive teaching my energetic darlings that don't slow down because my back aches, while also trying to be somewhat attentive and less whiny to my family as well  because of it. 

But even more, because I just felt like God had pressed something deep into my heart and if I don't remember all the details right now, then maybe I am not supposed to.  Maybe it is for a time in the future.  Either way, I have just felt sure it is there... He planted it... and when I need to regurgitate it, it will pour out of my heart. 

How cool is that?

(and by the way, I heard through the grapevines that saying cool, really isn't cool anymore.  Maybe I am closer to 90 than  I am to teens, than I care to realize!  Haha!)

Then this morning, I was passing a school in our community.  For a long way before I arrived, there were tons and tons of flags lining the road, with signs that said, "Please slow down, Service in session."  I had my little 8-year-old with me and we quieted our radio and drove at barley 10 miles and hour.  When we got closer and I saw the sign of what was taking place, we pulled over.  Neither of us spoke for a while.  I rolled my window down and closed my eyes while tears streamed down my cheek, as I listened to them dedicate a memorial bench in honor of a local fallen soldier. 

I cried for his parents, his family, his community.  And I cried for our country and our world. 

And then, I smiled and got excited because a week ago, I was given treasures.  They resonated all day on election day.  And today, as I felt so sad for those hurting over their hero, my heart poured out just what I needed to remember the treasures again. 

Oh! MY GOD! HOW GREAT THOU ART! ... and by the way Father, please hug my sweet little boy today in all your greatness of compassion, because as You already know, I miss him every day, but the time is in season where I ache to my very core for him.  And thinking of those hurting for their fallen war hero today, just makes it all so fresh and instant for me again too.  But OH MY GOD!  HOW GREAT THOU ART!

Love you each one that are reading this.  Whether I know you or not.  Today, democrat, republican, lost or saved, I choose to love you... why?  Because HE first loved ME!!!!

Robin

Celebrating my Eathan's birthday through memories...

My sweet boy celebrated his birthday in Heaven today.  September 18th is always a precious day.  It is a day I celebrate his birth and try to spread his joy.  Best way I know to do that today because I just can't find words tonight... is to share some pictures.  I have millions more... just can't look at too many at once... makes him so tangible. 

He was joy... He is joy.  Remember him with me....

 My little Easter Bunny!

Loved that Elmo party for his brother! 

He loved his Johnny Jumper!

Look at thos eyes!  He was teething here! :)

Seth always said, "I gonna kiss you Etttan"

And Kiss he did!

 

Not always to the joy of Tuffy!  HAHA!

 

Wearing his little helmet to protect the bleeding head.  Still so cute!

 

His last donkey ride on his best friend, Hotie.

Hotie brought him joy when he couldn't get down and play anymore.

I miss them both!

 

His last Halloween.  He was our little Chief!

 

His tribe of indians.  We loved this because it covered

his bandages, brace, and helmet.  He felt so big! :)

We knew time was running out. 

We raced to the mountains for one last trip. 

It was only a few days until he started crashing every 7-10 hours.

 

We ate up our time with our sweet Eathan!

 

Hope was his dog.  She never left him.  Ever. 

 

 

Eathan always did the thumbs up and said "I tuff"

 

 

This was 12 hours before we lost him.  The nurses

surprised us and made handprints and a crystal hand mold.

Little did any of us know that was God's gift in timing. as he

would slip into the arms of Jesus later that day...

 

Eathan... your memory is alive and well... and your legacy continues

to change the lives of MANY!

 

Love you!

and I know from heaven I can hear you whisper back,
"I lu you too, Mama!"

 

Thank God for interrupting the cycle!

Last week was a HUGE milestone for our family.  We drove our BABY to camp, where she would spend a week apart from us... and any other human being she knows, without even a phone call in between.  I can't express the lump in my throat that started when we hugged goodbye and lasted pretty much until the moment her face lit up upon seeing us at the closing ceremonies. 

I have sent all of my kids off for one camp or experience, but she is my BABY.  She is growing up faster than the rest and I am not keeping up with being ready, I am afraid!  She was born independent and I know that I will watch her soar in things far sooner than I am ready for the rest of my life!  I love it in so many ways, but part of me wants to prevent it because I know from my older teens, just how fast time goes. 

But alas, she went and the time for her was beyond wonderful.  We watched for her on the camp photo gallery and when she would pop up in a picture, her joy screamed through the photo.  She was having the time of her life!  It gave me such great joy to see her contagious smile and obvious excitement about what she was experiencing.  But the lump remained. 

When our eyes met as she bounded into closing ceremonies, I thought my heart would leap out of my chest!  Though her time was beyond blessed, it was clear she was as thrilled to see us as we were to see her.  She looked over to us off and on the entire time and the second, the SECOND, they kids were released to come find us, she bolted into my arms. 

We could have made a movie scene out of it, it was so picture perfect.  She caught my gaze, I bent down, she ran, and we hugged as if it had been a year.  (okay, okay so she comes by her dramatic flair genetically!)

Since then we have had non-stop retells of her adventures and opportunities and I am almost certain she grew a foot while away.  Though I have experienced those exact emotions many times before as my children left for this or that, there is something so different... so final... when the BABY takes the leap! 

What a summer.  I feel like I should write a song.... kind of like the song by Bruce Springsteen, "The Summer of 69"... about the Summer of 2012.  It is one of those monumental summers for our family.  But somehow, I think I won't forget any detail because I have a feeling my Dramatic Flair will be retelling it until time to head off again next summer!  And I love it!

But beyond the joy of her experiences, I have the adult view.  And this summer of her first camp has opened my eyes yet again to some life lessons.  Some really precious, and some, not so much.  But all worth reflecting so here I sit. 

My husband just walked through and said, "What are you doing?"  I said, "Blogging, why?"  He said, "Because if I could have just taken a picture of you... it would be worth a thousand words!"  I said, "Why, what was I doing?"  He said, "I don't know what you are writing about, but your whole body was just smiling!"  Yes, that pretty much sums me up when I write. 

So consider yourself warned.... fingers are about to FLY!

This summer has been a tough one for our family, for lots of reasons.  Obviously, we are still in a deep struggle with things with our oldest daughter.  Her pre-adoption issues are so strong right now and we are trudging our way through all that is bringing to our family and our lives. It is something you can't prepare for, aren't sure how to relate to, and absolutely have no answers for.  So you pray and take one day, one moment at a time.  Some days I almost feel like we are normal again, but some days, man that thick cloud is hanging heavy and the darkness feels very threatening. 

I wish I could say that has been the only struggle.  It would be more than enough.  But there has been more.

We have had to face some pretty tough realities in our new location of living.  This place is wonderful.  We love it in so many ways.  But when you are from the Panhandle of Texas, the place of open skies and friendly faces,where you grew up and existed all of your life, it becomes very clear what it leaves in the gap by not having those deep roots in a new place .  I have said our third year here has been the most difficult for adjusting.  This is the year it kind of really set in that we live here. 

We aren't new anymore.  We certainly aren't yet rooted here.  So we have found ourselves in that place of figuring out what that feels like and looks like..in the midst of this terrible storm.  It exposes how much you miss the familiar and deep and it exposes just how excluding life can be, yet how exciting all at once to experience new together as a family, with only each other to see it through.  It's a strange reality for sure. 

The hardest part is not for me.  I do certainly miss those relationships of friendships (and of course, my family) that are so dependable that before you even know what you need in a crisis, they are already meeting them.  I miss the relationships in my daily life that have span the years and I don't have to try to explain where something began because they were there and lived it, like  with my adopted daughter for instance. 

I have friends and family that were there through the infertility, the loss of the baby, the cancer, the failed adoptions, the miracle births from the womb, the miracle adoptions, the disease and death.... on and on.  They were there.  They know it from the inside.  So when things are tough now, they have the history and the understanding.  I miss that (and am so thankful for social media that keeps us much more easily connected to the day-to-day, even while so far apart). 

But, even while missing them so, God has given me a few precious people that, especially this summer, have really stood by me and been there in a way that feels "old friendship".  It has been a gift and a blessing. 

But the thing that camp (the kind that you show up alone and meet all new people) reminded me of, especially in this summer of 2012, is how much of a blessing it is for kids when they all arrive on equal turf.  Everyone is there to meet new friends and experience new things, not deal in cliques or groups. No one cares who knew who, when, or where, they just bond and become one.  It's so precious and beautiful to observe.

I watched my little 8-year-old bound into a cabin, my heart pounding, and within two minutes 6 little girls were circled up talking about who was sleeping where and how excited they were.  It was such a glorious thing to sit back and watch!  It is why we choose to send our kids on these kind of camp experiences, and not just church camps because we love to see God bring kids together without former pre-conceptions or cliques. 

And it made me wish that is how it was here.  And back home.  But, especially here. 

I wish with all my heart (not just for my kids who are actually pretty blessed in being accepted, but for all kids) kids from the elementary age all the way through to high school would stop determining to include some and exclude others.  I wish even more their parents would. 

I wish all kids could be seen and accepted as equal no matter their size, shape, skin color, intelligence, or financial status.  I wish that the start of school and the end of school and all through the summer could be like camp, where kids are all equal and see each other only from that light.  It is such a beautiful, Christ-like way to live.  But it is so hard to find in the "real world."  We are all guilty in one way or another. 

Taking my kids to camp inspires me to remember to not worry about the status of the world, but the heart of Christ.  It makes me want to seek out those that others talk about and reject... because in the reality, we really are all on equal turf, whether we admit it or not.  We all fall short of the glory of God... so we all need Christ's saving grace.  Period and end of sentence. 

My kids  (okay and me too, still and forever on earth I guess!) are learning (or re-learning in a new way) not everyone that appears to be your friend, really is, so cherish the ones that are.  Learn to accept the ones that just aren't and pray for them.  Don't allow bitterness and pain to take over, because then the victory goes to the enemy, who's only goal is to kill and destroy. 

Love others even when they don't care enough to love you back and move forward with those that demonstrate that they really are there for you... even if those in number are very few.  It is not quantity, but quality where it counts.  Difficult lessons, but important to learn none-the-less.

Camp also reminded me again, how nice it really was "back in the day" when we could take off out our front door and our mom and dad didn't worry unless we didn't show up for lunch as we were supposed to.  Our world of mean and evil, particularly in the assault of our young and innocent children, has crippled the social ability to get out there and "make it happen." 

Camp is that secure place where the kids roam free (within the safe walls of their environment) and along with their cabin-mates, meet all kinds of kids and have all kinds of freedom in their fun.  It is amazing.  In real- life reality, I can't let my little girl out the front door without a close, watchful eye because who really knows what is lurking just around the bend.  If you don't know the neighbor personally, the child doesn't go, because who really knows where the next predator will be found.  It is a travesty of our real-world living, that camp simply erases.  Oh, how I love that.

Finally, camp restructures our thinking.  It breaks the cycle that we have gotten caught up in... even if we aren't the ones that attend.  Experiencing camp through her eager and excited arrival and now the retells, has broken my cycle of feeling sad for the things that have disappointed and hurt lately and opened me back up to all the glorious things still ahead, even before I can see them.  Sometimes, we get so caught up in what is happening in our face, that we forget how miraculous the freedom really is when we find ourselves just running free in Jesus. 

That's where my baby is right now!  She is just running free in Jesus! And it is contagious. 

My teen son , recently also had a similar experience.  He went to camp with his church, but his true life-changing cycle-breaker this summer (it't tough to cope with some of the things we deal with due to his adopted sister) was his ministry opportunities to the Chinese the last few weeks. He made a choice to give up athletic camp and some travel plans we had, to instead serve Christ every day all day.  He served as one of 9 youth leaders to a large group of kids that came to our country to get immersed into our culture. 

Because he chose to immerse himself in the opportunity to serve this way, he was able to have some deep conversations with a couple of them that he really bonded with and realized he was able to be a part of something so much bigger than himself and any high school drama out there.  He was able to be a part of seeing one in particular accept Christ and it set him on fire!  It was thrilling!  These guys, who otherwise would just see the bible as one stated, "A book with really good stories", were able to talk and share and understand that Jesus was so much more than a really good man with really good stories.  One guy, when my son asked him about how he felt about whethere he believed now or not said, "Yes.  I do.  I can find no reason not to believe in this Jesus."  So powerful!

And because of that, he stopped sweating the small stuff and the cliques that drive him crazy and instead re-focused on the King and the amazing things He is doing all around.  He has surrendered to a calling of mission work on his life a while back, and this summer re-kindled the deep assurance that God is going to allow him to be used to reach the lost somehow, someway. 

He, like my daughter, is looking forward.  He has some friends that he knows are on his side, he has a ministry for Christ that isn't just for his future but for right now, and he is looking forward with anticipation.

As am I. 

It's not easy and even as I type, things surface in my thoughts of all the things that "could be" and "have been".  "Stop it Satan.  Get outta my head!"  And the best way I do that is close my eyes and remember camp.  Camp for my daughter this year, other experiences with other kids at camp, and of course, I go back to my own experiences at camp.

Life is good and camp reminds us to keep our focus clear. 

Goodbye fog... goodbye cloudy... HELLO SUNSHINE!

Now... off to hear some more details... praying you have the fog removed as well!

Robin

The Prairie Days are GONE!

I am a bit late in writing this.  We have had my sweet little nephew in town (he is 4) so we were quite occupied and enjoying every moment, as it will be a while before we see him again. Then, we prepared my youngest to head off to her first camp.  That will be an entirely different blog on a different day.  Man, time sure does fly!  But today, I wanted to pause and really reflect on something I touched on in my Ties of Grace - Sharing Faith in a Daily Way  facebook page, where I share daily devotions.  I mentioned last week of the tragedy in Aurora, CO.  I discussed how all tragedies of this nature really impact me (I can't even watch the daily news and not be upset over what seems to be daily murders in Houston), but how two in particular have really impacted me on a personal level.  I write this, not to glamorize the killings.  I feel sometimes that is what happens with the media.  Instead, I share because I believe these acts of violence are an obvious awareness that we need to be prepared in our daily lives.  This just isn't the "Little House on the Prairie" days anymore.

Is there anyone that was not affected by 9-11?  If people were old enough to process those events at all, I am certain all will agree, impact was made.  Life as we knew it was altered that day and still now, the changes that fateful day brought continue on.  We live in a much more guarded, reserved, suspicious climate as a result of that terrible day.  Everyone, from elementary school kids to adults, can remember what they were doing that day when they heard the news.  We were all devastated as we watched in horror as the events unfolded live before our eyes.  Tears began for people we didn't know and fear gripped the nation.  I was one of those that can attest to exactly where I was and I will never, ever forget just how horrifying the events were. 

Though my story holds no comparison to the many that faced that tragedy in NYC with the loss of their loved ones, I have a deeper understanding of the fear of it bringing personal loss.  I didn't have anyone in the Twin Towers.  I didn't have a friend or loved one on the first responders teams.  But what I did have, was my precious child in need of a surgery, with a medical device that was having to be flown in.  We were on a very short time frame for him to be able to wait  and suddenly, the plane that held his life-line was grounded.  The device could not be flown in! I remember laying in the hospital bed with my little fella and crying for NYC, but also crying for him.  I had no idea what would happen if that device didn't arrive.  It wasn't an option.  We had to have it... and yet, because of the larger scale of events taking place, all planes were grounded, including the medical one carrying our precious cargo.  It was horrifying on a whole different level for Todd and I because of the personal touch it had on our little boy that day.

We began to pray for NYC and all that was occurring, but I prayed even more desperately for my little boy.  We were blessed and prayers were answered as someone drove in the device to our hospital and though the surgery was quite delayed, he was able to receive what he needed in time.  As they brought him out of surgery and back to us, I remember crying so hard, wondering how many others, that the world would never even realize, were lost as a result of 9-11?  How many transplant patients didn't get their organs?  How many others were waiting on devices to arrive that were too far to drive in order to make it in time? 

I believe with all my heart, we really have no idea just how far the ripple of loss extended that day.  I don't think the world will ever really know every story of pain and anguish that terrifying day brought to far more than those directly affected in NYC.  I would have never forgotten that day no matter.  But with that personal touch, I truly ache with every mention of 9-11 on an emotional level.I felt a tiny touch of the fear that many felt that day, beyond just the horrifying scenes on TV.  It changed me beyond the outward effects of new security at airports and wands waving over me when I enter any large event. 

Fast forward now to Aurora and the terrible slaying of innocent lives at the midnight premiere of The Dark Night, just over a week ago.  I was up that night.  I wasn't at the premiere, but my son was.  It was the first night he had headed out at that time of night, in the car of another teenager, to share in the night with a group of teens.  The only adult with them was a 22-year-old intern at our church.  It was a great group of kids.  That I didn't worry about.  However, I sat on my couch that night and felt a deep urgency to pray and wait.  I didn't hesitate in letting him go, but I couldn't just go to sleep and assume all was well, knowing he was out there at that time of night with his great group of friends... and possible crazies.  I was so thankful when he text that the movie was over and he was on his way home.  He let me know they were dropping off a few others first, so I wouldn't be expecting him right away.  He arrived in just about the time I guesstimated and I was so thankful to have him home just after 3 AM.  They had a blast and created a memory that night of fun and excitement.  It's not easy letting them go, but it is necessary. 

I awoke sometime a couple of hours later to go to the restroom.  I was wide awake and frustrated, because I was so tired, yet wide awake, so I flipped on the TV... and the breaking news was being shown.  I sat there with my heart pounding, and instantly thanked God my own child was safe at home.  That could have happened anywhere.  It could have been my son's midnight premiere theater.  I was immediately humbled into prayers of thanksgiving for the safety of my son and his friends, but absolutely torn up for all those who were suddenly and tragically, without those they loved. 

And that is where I remain.  The news is lessening the coverage.  Stories are surfacing of some of the victims and many are still fighting for their very lives.  But because of the personal reaction I had, it stays fresh on my mind and my heart.  It weighs heavy on me that I am so thankful it wasn't my son, yet knowing it was someone else's son (or daughter), while also knowing all too well, how the death of your child changes you forever. 

And that leads me to the real point today.  This blog isn't the bad news blog! Tragedy in this world is very real and all of us have experienced or will experience our own in one form or another.  It is devastating, paralyzing, and we never fully know when it may hit.  The prairie days are long gone and as Aurora, NYC, Columbine High School, OKC bombing, Alabama, Iowa, Connecticut, Ft Hood, and sadly several others just on the larger scale of losses, not to mention the daily killings not on a mass scale of slayings, it is realistic to say, we just never know.  As a mom, there is a part of me that wants to wrap my family in bubble wrap, lock the doors and never leave.  I read just the other day, on Kissing The Frog, where a mom, much like myself, found herself trapped in a mall shooting with her children in tow.  We have no guarantee that a trip to the mall, the movie, or anywhere else for that matter, is not going to be assaulted by evil.  So what are we to do? 

I believe that out of all tragedy, beauty flows... beauty from ashes as the scripture claims (Isaiah 61:3).  Though nothing beautiful is found in the senseless acts of evil, beauty is found in the response of love and compassion that each of us feel towards those who are affected and hurting.  And I believe that it gives us all the more reason to long for our real home... heaven.  God has not forgotten us in this world of pain and sorrow.  He has not left us to go it alone.  He sent His very son, to feel all that we feel, and endure all the we endure, and die for our very sins, so that we could have comfort and hope.  What are we to do, in these times of more and more senseless violence and pain?  We are to run to Jesus, the One who understands, and we are to love others because of how He loved us. 

We are not to quit and give in like our human-ness would want us to.  We are not to hide under a rock and hope it all goes away.  We are not to avoid the world in hopes of safety.  We are to live and live fully, while running to Jesus all the while.  It is the only way.  Nothing else can every secure us.  We can't hide and escape far enough.  Evil roams the entire earth.  But we can nestle into our Father and trust that no matter what comes our way, He has us... and whether it goes well this side of heaven or that side of heaven, one way or another, if we are clinging to the promises of the cross, it will go well and joy will come in the morning! 

I am so sad for Aurora.  I am truly praying for the families of those that have lost so much and for those still fighting for their lives.  I haven't even been able to go see the movie.  I just can't shake the feelings surrounded by it.  But, I am living.  I am laughing.  And I allowing my kids to still go and do.  And I am trusting.  I am trusting that the more the world doesn't make sense, the more God does make sense.... and He is the only real assurance I have... one way or another. 

Glory to God in the Highest... even in the darkest pit on earth.... Glory to God in the Highest.  He loves us and will take us to glory with Him in His perfect time and way... our only job... to choose Him!

Robin

Heartwarming....

Well, this year has been... again... all about changes.  Seems as long as I can remember, our family has major changes we face each year.  I know that is the working of the Lord, propelling our lives further down our journey with Him.  And though I celebrate that, I will say sometimes it is easier than others, to embrace the changes.  Seems sometimes, it is the smaller changes that can be the hardest.  Maybe because we don't expect them to be so hard because of the comparison to the bigger things God has led us through.  Or maybe it is because we don't spend as much time with Him about the smaller things, because our human-ness kicks in and we somehow start thinking, "I got this."  Either way, sometimes the smaller things are harder to bear, but sometimes, the smaller things also become the sweetest unexpected moments.  Such it was for us this Christmas.

This is the first time, in all my years of living, to not see my parents for the holidays.  It was the first time in all my years of living, to not see ANY family for the holidays, other than my own sweet little family I reside with.  It was the strangest feeling, as the weekend approached, realizing, we were going to be doing things all on our own, the whole time.  In some ways I felt very sad.  I love our families and would miss the laughter and fun that being with them all brings.  But in some ways it made me kind of sigh and relax, once the hard decision was made to stay here this year and not travel due to Todd not feeling well... at all..., then I have to admit, the stress that comes with traveling at Christmas faded away of trying to keep gifts hidden, trying to have room, and trying to make not enough time feel like enough time with all those we would want to spend time with  It is so worth it when we do travel... no question of that!  But since it just couldn't be this Christmas, there was something calming about staying put.  And I knew, even though it would be very different, I would do all I could to make it very special for my family. 

We went to our Candle Light Service, which was beautiful, to kick things off.  Then we went out to eat Mexican food.  (Sort of a tradition of ours all the time).  And then we did our family presents.  This we have always done alone.  We do our gifts to one another at home so that it is special just among us.  So this felt very normal, so to speak.  We made Christmas cookies, got in our Christmas jammies, and watched the Santa Tracker before bed.  We awoke to the excitement of "Can I come down?" and we enjoyed Santa.  Next is where the new traditions began.

After the Santa excitement was calming down, we made our way to the Kitchen.  Todd put in our "Turducken" (AND CAN I SAY WOW!  TURDUCKEN!!!) to bake and I made us a Christmas feast fit for a King while the kids messed with their new things.  We sat around the table and, without any rush at all, just laughed and talked and enjoyed ourselves.  After a while we cleaned up breakfast and headed to the living room and watched a movie.  We were still in our PJ's at 4 in the afternoon.  It was wonderful!  We then got dressed and finished preparing our Christmas dinner with all the fixin's.  We had enough food to feed half the town because I wanted it to feel like Christmas dinner.  How do you do that small? The best part of the day took place around the table for Christmas Dinner.

We took our time eating and talking.  We went around the table and shared our thoughts and heart on different questions about our wonderful Savior and Lord, whose birth we were celebrating.  We asked, "What would be the worst part of life, had Jesus not been born?"  Sweet and sobering answers followed.  Our youngest said, "There would be no one to live in our hearts!"  Our 14 year old said, "The uncertainty after death."  One said, "Despair."  I said, "hopelessness", someone said, "Darkness in everything."  Todd said, "No direction."  It was a heavy moment as we paused to try to imagine life without Jesus.

The next question, "What is the best part about His birth?"  Our youngest said, "That He can live in our hearts if we want Him to!"  Other answers:  "Certainty in life and in death." "Guidance" "Hope" "Forgiveness came" "A way home." 

The next Question: "So as we sit here remembering our Savior, what are you most thankful for this year that you know is because of Him?"  Our youngest said, "Everything I have is because He gave it to me because it was His first."  Isn't she really learning truths young?  I love it!  My 14 year old said, "Genuine friends that love God like I do."  He knows how we prayed for that when we moved here and even through some bumps in the road, he knows God has shown him favor granting him support in good, lasting, real friends that he can depend on and that can depend on him.  What a gift in high school!  One answered, "Getting more of our things from back home."  It is HARD to move so far and it has been sweet to move most of our life down here now.  Maybe next year we will get the rest and the horses! ;)  Other answers:  "Peace in storms."  "Consistency."  I said, "How God so clearly answered my prayer when I asked Him to give me a way to share what I felt He planted in my heart about the current situation taking place in education."  It is quite humbling to look back and how clearly God opened doors for me, when He saw that I was truly ready and willing.  If only I would be like that every day in every way.  What a testimony He gave me to remember so that I can know if He calls me to something, He will open doors to see me through it!

Finally, we asked "What does it mean to you to know that the very Christ we celebrate being born, was the One who had to be put to death for you?  How does that change your celebration of His birth?"  The answers were raw and precious and not mine to really share on here.  I don't have the right to expose those asnswers that were the most private and personal.  But I will share mine.  As I began to share my thoughts, I couldn't even get the first three words out before I was in tears!  As I type about it tonight, I am crying again.  It is a very tender thing for me to realize...every single time.  The thing that is most amazing to me as I celebrate His birth in light of the cross, is the realization that every time my Father looks at me, He sees His son!  He doesn't see my sin, my failures, my human-ness.  He sees the blood of Christ.  I am reconciled to my Father because His son was born and bled for ME! That is a gift that is beyond my comprehension! Nothing compares!  How can I NOT celebrate?  It is amazing.

After I cried a bit more, eventually my kids started some small talk to get me back to laughing again... it WAS a celebration after all... and then we headed to the movies and then returned home for some crazy  game play (well the kids and I did.  Todd was not feeling well and went to bed after the movie. Please pray for his health.  He will be mad at me for being so public... but pray anyway!  And maybe pray for me to so that when he finds out I posted about him, he will be nice! ;)!!).  Anways, we stayed up, even my youngest, until it was past midnight, so that we closed out the full day of Christmas.  As I said goodnight I realized, though I missed my family much and shed tears a couple of times throughout the weekend for them, I had experienced a very Merry Christmas! 

Today was after Christmas reality. My least favorite part is when it is over.  The tree is so empty looking.  And it is time to move on.  Sometimes I just want to freeze those really, really great days.  But, I have a week left at home before returning to school so I was determined to get the not so fun part behind me today.  I put the Christmas decor away, started organizing closets and making room for more things from the garage.  The kids helped a while and then started making plans with friends.  And of course, with life, comes more bumps in the road and tonight another bump in the road happened and I realized all over again, Satan is always around, knocking at the door.  But as I release the concerns yet again, I know that God is always in control and I don't have to be the one to try to sort out the world.  It is not my job.  How thankful for that I am.  Yet another reason, I truly celebrate the birth of my Savior!

My prayer is that your Christmas, whether spent as you would expect, or drastically different, was somehow invaded by the overwhelming reality that no matter what, all is well, because of a baby who changed everything! He made the biggest change of all... for eternity! 

Love to ALL!

Robin

not a day to waste...

All week I have been in reflection mode.  It is amazing to me how quickly things can change.  A.MAZ.ING!

We had a whirl- wind week last week leading up to the big homecoming dance.  The kids had a blast and so did the moms as we took a million and one pictures, spent time together at dinner, and then had some real heart talks together while the kids were at the dance.  It was a great success.  Here is proof....

The only negative to the evening was the shock our kids felt at what some of the other kids chose to behave like at the dance.  Good news... our kids were highly disgusted and turned off by it.  So that is a negative I can live with!  Best part of the night was the after party.  They got on a mean game of hide and go seek in the dark.  My friend summed it up perfectly... "We could have saved all the money and just had them run around the neighborhood all night!"  Good kids... good, clean fun.  Priceless.

But then we headed into Sunday... the Lord's day.  No matter how late we were up, it is always, always, always worth rising to meet our Father in His house.  This day was no different.  We had a wonderful time in our bible study hour and then we headed to watch our youngest eagerly serve as a guest on the kids ministry praise team.  What absolute JOY to see her innocent praise and total abandon.  She was a natural up there... could God be preparing something before my very eyes?

Later that afternoon a large group of us met to watch the movie Courageous.  I knew it was going to be good.. inspired... but I was not in any way prepared for the emotions it would evoke.  That experience is going to have to be addressed in it's on blog entry.  I haven't been ready to write about it just yet.  So many old emotions completely revisited during the movie.  It touched a place Todd and I have already lived so personally.  Riveting.  Christ anointed that movie.... no. doubt.

And then we moved into the homecoming festivities week all leading up to the big game tomorrow. It has been fun to enjoy the experiences and see the kids have fun.  Light, carefree, joyful week... until....

Switching gears for a minute... let me tell you about my dog, Charlie.  Best dog ever.  He was a rescued dog.. someone horribly abused him before we found him, so when we took him in, cleaned him up, and loved on him, his devotion was instant.  He held no anger from the past abuse, only love and appreciation for what he had been given in the now.  He is a remarkable dog, with a permanently crooked leg from a broken leg that someone caused and never fixed (it was already healed when we got him and we were told it would be way too painful to fix now), that is almost the perfect creature.  His obedience is above understanding and his tolerance is beyond what one could hope.  So of course.. he is the perfect therapy dog.

So, Charlie now goes to school.  Every day, all day, and he loves on all my students. I teach special education and all of my students struggle in one form or another.  They are unique and wonderful and make it clear to me that God did not intend for any of us to fit a mold.  If we did, we would miss out on the flavor in life that these guys all bring.  They are amazing.  And Charlie loves them.  And they love Charlie. He is the motivator for them to complete there work, he is the comforter when they are sad, he is the reward when they are good, and he is a calming agent for kids all over the school that are having a tough time behaviorally.  He knows his job and he does it well.

But to get back to how this started.... it is amazing how quickly things can change.  Charlie has a tumor.  We knew it was there.  That isn't the surprise.  What is the surprise is that we were originally told there was nothing to worry about, but found out today, Charlie may not live long.... it is cancer.  The vet sat down, and before she ever told me, I knew, because she had tears in her eyes.  She sees for herself what a remarkable dog Charlie is and she knows the importance of his role not only for us, but for my students.  It was the last thing she wanted to tell us and it was the last thing I wanted to hear.  Charlie has cancer.  Oh my goodness.

And I didn't even see it coming.  I had my youngest with me.  I would never have taken her if I had known.  I would have planned how to tell her tenderly and I would have waited until I had all the details.  But there we sat, both of us crying... and she really didn't even know why for sure except she knew I was and that meant whatever that vet was saying was bad.  I don't know who I squeezed the hardest... my baby girl or my Charlie. 

We finally gathered ourselves together and headed out the door, very unsure of what was just around the corner.  My thoughts instantly on my kiddos at school and instantly back in that place I find myself time and time again... the "Whoa!  Didn't see THAT coming!" place.  I looked at my Charlie, tale wagging, eyes full of love, and I thought again, "Whoa!  I didn't see THAT coming... and Charlie still doesn't."  I cried all the way home.  I cried at the restaurant.  I cried on my evening walk.  I am crying now.  I love Charlie.  But even more... my children... both at home and at school... love Charlie.  And he is needed.

I know that many will think, "It is JUST a dog!"  But to those I say... you obviously don't know Charlie... or any of the pets in our family.  They are far more!  FAR more!  But Charlie... well much like my sweet Hotie the donkey, that we just lost last summer, Charlie has a special job.  He is one of a kind.  And just like that, without warning, I am told I might not have my Charlie in just a few short months. 

As I was walking tonight and thinking about Charlie, my thoughts drifted to Cheyenne, a girl I do not know personally and yet have prayed for feverently this week, and now pray for her family.  She was so young, has a beautiful 16 month old baby, and while working cattle as she had done many times before, something went tragically wrong and her horse bolted full speed ahead, knocking her off.  However, on the way down, her spur got caught up somehow and the horse drug her and ultimately, she never returned to those who love her.  And my thoughts drifted to the 10 month old little girl missing out of Missouri.  And my thoughts drifted to, drifted to, drifted to.... so much loss, pain, sorrow.  And now Charlie too? 

But the thing is, somewhere in all the sadness, there is this level of comfort that I cannot explain.  I hold to it tightly and I feel, that in every circumstance we  face, the thing that really is remarkable, is the calm in the storm.  Sometimes I am like Peter and I take my eyes off of my Savior when He is asking me to "walk on water towards him" so to speak.  I find myself starting to sink.  I felt that this week in the difficulties facing education and in situations I didn't understand.  But then I look back up and there is such a strong, strong sense of peace that passes all understanding, and suddenly I am keenly aware... the comfort is there.  It IS there.  It is ALWAYS there! 

And because of that, somehow I just know God is going to supply my needs for Charlie and for those that love Charlie.  He may do it through healing him so I can have him for years to come to take to school and bless those kids or He may prepare the way for me and everyone that loves Charlie to let go.  I don't know.  I just know, because of where I have been, I know without any doubt, God will supply our every need... even for our beloved therapy dog named Prince Charles whom we lovingly refer to as Charlie Brown (he is a chocolate lab! Ha! And what can I say? we already had King Frederick, the bloodhound we call Fred).  And He will prepare the hearts of all those sweet kids if things go in a direction of painful goodbyes.  I know that because I have lived it in things far worse like letting go of my Eathan.  And  I know it because I was reminded all over again Sunday in that movie.  And I know it tonight because I felt Him close when I was hugging my hurting daughter. 

I have been reminded that I will never, ever be able to understand this world, the way it works, the people in it, and the events taking place.  I will never be able to please everyone and I will never be able to understand what is happening and why.  But those are not the things I am to concern myself with.  I am to concern myself with the things of God and He will take care of the rest.  I know that.  I trust that.  I hold to that.

So I don't know what mountains you are facing.  I don't know what surprises are in your path.  And I don't know what you are trying to control.  We all do it.  Silly really, but we do.  But for me, the past two weeks, and then right smack dab in the middle of this new sadness for Charlie, I have found God faithful as always... in the highs, the lows, the sadness, the joys... He is right there with His steady hand. 

And tonight I believe with all of my heart He was hugging me right straight through Charlie, who was more affectionate than ever.  God... the ONE unchanging, will not disappoint, will not fail, Savior of the world.... is holding out His steady hand. 

I'm holding on... come on!  Grab a hold with  me!  He is waiting. 

"COME TO ME, YOU WHO ARE WEARY AND BURDENED AND I WILL GIVE YOU REST!"  Matthew 11:28

And just in case you want to know what God looks like when He hugs you through Charlie, take a look of this picture, and you will see adoring eyes without conditions on love.  He is unconcerned with his tomorrow.  He only wants to love in this day.  He is remarkable.  I wanna be like Charlie... like my Eathan was... and I am so thankful God is the kind of God He will even show up even in the form of a loving, patient, kind dog. 

I am inspired!  Here he is.... better pics will come at a later time....

Prince Charles... AKA Charlie Brown... AKA unconditional love!

Love from my heart to yours today....

Robin

total abandon....

Today is another one of those really, really hard days.  Many of you already know it is my sweet Eathan's birthday.  Every year its hard.  Every year I miss him and want to hug him and celebrate the way I do with all of my children.  But this year is even harder because he would have been 13.  It is one of the big milestone moments that we never reached and that opened up a hurt I wasn't fully expecting today. 

It's hard to fathom really, what he would be like.  When his life on this earth ended, so did the understanding of who exactly he would evolve into.  I can imagine and guess, but this side of heaven, those are the things that will forever be unanswered and incomplete.  And on big milestone days like the day he should have become a teen, the emotions are thick and deep as to what he could have been and from my Mom view... should have been. He was remarkable and beautiful and smart and fun and loving and kind and precious.  It is hard every day to know it ended so soon, but on these days, when he should have been hitting a major milestone, it is just flat unfair. 

But the thing is, even in the middle of my emotions, the reality of "fair" is not the issue. God never promised us a life of "fair".  He never promised that if we follow Him we will get everything we want, the way we want.  He never said every earthly viewed dream will come true.  Nope. He didn't say it, nor would He ever be about that.  Why?  God is a God of love, hope, peace.  Why wouldn't He fulfill our every dream when we choose to follow Him? Simple really... because He is about the things we CANNOT see.  To give us all we want, the way we want it on this earth, would lower Him to our earthly pursuit of life as we see it, and therefore sabotage Him being who He says He is...Sovereign. 

The reality is, on this hard milestone day for our family in our remembrance of the birth of that precious son of ours, though He cares deeply for our every hurt and every tear, God is Sovereign and He alone ordained our sons days.  Not one day too soon, according to God, did our son depart for Heaven.  Not one day too soon.  Even though I never saw him hit double digits.  Even though I never saw him become 13.  Even though I won't celebrate his 16th or his 18th.  I want watch him graduate High School.  I would see the career he pursues through college.  I will never see the girl he would have fallen in love with.  I won't witness his joy when she walks down the isle to become his wife.  I will never see him melt when he holds his first born child for the first time.  I won't see his pain when he has to do the hard parenting for the first time.  Still yet, God is sovereign because I know that no matter what my heart aches for in my earthly awareness,  my sweet Eathan did not go home even one day too soon.

So where does that leave me in my sadness of this day?  What can I possibly gain today that I haven't already worked through a thousand times before when it hit like a bullet through my heart that I was missing something I never would have chosen to miss in that little guy's life again today on what would have been his 13th?  Today, a friend wrote to me, "I KNOW our Father will have a precious, personal word for you today. After you ponder His words in your heart for a while, I pray you will be able to share them with us. (((hugs)))"  Karen, you know our God.  He did, I have... and now I am thankful to get to share. 

Yes, I have had many times over these years of grasping life with my Tuffy missing from them, to sort through and grow with Christ.  I have learned to trust in the hard moments.  I have learned to wait and anticipate Him doing something bigger than that moment.  I have experienced healing and hope in so many ways I could never have enough time to blog it all.  But today, yet again, God took me somewhere new. 

The word that has come over and over today is abandon.  "Robin, I am looking today, in this moment of your sadness, for your total abandon."  That was with me starting in church this morning during our praise music time.  I  was singing in that place of hurt, unable to even keep my eyes on the screen, because I was needing to escape into Christ so badly I couldn't handle the distraction of seeing the words on the screen. 

I was trying to think of Jesus and not how sad I felt in the slowness of the worship song, and like a gentle whisper I heard, "Abandon."  "What God?  Abandon what?  I don't know how to leave this pain.  I want to.  I am able to most days.  God you know I have found my joy again from this tragedy, for a long time now!  What are you asking of me?  Today hurts!  I miss him!  I miss not knowing who he would be and what he would look like at 13?  How can I abandon that and not abandon who I am as his mom?"  Silence followed.  I kept singing, kept praying, kept fighting that lump in my throat.  Silence.  Waiting.  Nothing.

The music part of worship ended and a video clip came on introducing the sermon series... "Happy people".  Our pastor came to the stage and looked around and said "I am looking around.  Are you happy people?"  Funny, I usually am.  But today, I felt myself want to say out loud, "NOPE!  HE WOULD HAVE BEEN 13 TODAY!!!"  Instead I looked at Todd and whispered it.  He reached out and touched my hand and gave me that understanding look I needed, and we joined our pastor as he led us in prayer.

The sermon was rich and inviting.  Oh how God has a desire to bless us.  How He has a desire to meet our needs and heal our hurts.  "God?  Answer me!  What do you mean, abandon?"  Nothing.  The pastor begins to wrap up and then he introduces us to a man named Kenneth.  He is a brother in Christ with a provocative testimony that hit me in the gut.  That poor man was taught in a horrid way, at only the age of 5, to hate... and I mean HATE white people.  He was taught that was his only way to survive in the deep south in that day and age and he owned that hate from that day forward until he met Jesus.  The radical change in his life when he found Jesus, led him to the cross, to forgiveness of himself for his hate and for others of whom he had hated.  He was so radically transformed that he said, and I quote, "I am now married to the whitest white woman around and we have four of the most beautiful 'german chocoloate' children."  Transformation. 

But even in that powerful testimony, I wasn't hearing what God was asking of ME.  I am not filled with hate over the death of my son.  I do not resent God or man for what didn't go the way I wanted.  I am able to love others even though that time was harsh.  I feel I am open to being used to minister to others because of my experiences and I am open to and actually crave opportunities to use my hurt in loss and pain to be a part of helping others.  I don't feel stuck in my grief and I completely feel that losing Eathan is not what my life is about today.  It is a part of my today, but it in no way controls my today.  If I feel God can use my story, I tell it.  If I can share the wisdom gained from the ongoing journey of living through it, I share.  But I am not prisoner to the past and the loss.  I just hurt more on days like today and I miss him every day.  I think God is okay with that because I know that is the result of the love we shared... and God says, "But the greatest of these is LOVE." 

So... "WHAT GOD?  What are you trying to say to me?"  Silence.  Waiting. Nothing....Until my rebellious daughter, who just back-peddled again this week, walked into the room.  Right in that moment it hit.  "ABANDON".  My message for today was not about letting go of my hurt today.  His word to me of "abandon" had nothing to do with my sadness.  I had his permission to miss and feel sad about my son turning 13.  I even feel like He rejoices that I do love my children that deep... for I know from my own adopted children's biological start in life... not all parents do, unfortunately.  Nope, "Abandon" had nothing to do with that at all.

Today God was saying to me and I think for any of you that might be in what seems a senseless struggle in comparison to the real pain in the world, "Live abandoned in the middle of WHATEVER you are feeling, so that those who refuse, might see".  Today, through that word,  I was being commissioned back to His cause for me... right in the middle of my saddest moments of grieving fresh what I will never have with my son.  Isn't that so God? 

We talked about in our bible study hour this morning, how God doesn't wait until we are "better" to save us.  He meets us where we are.  That was a reminder again for my adopted teen daughter, as I pray for her... "God meet her where she is."  But the rest of the story today came through that one word "Abandon,"  was God saying to me, He isn't waiting for me to "feel better" today, before He uses me in this fresh new way.  Just like all the times before, God was commanding me today for ministry... right in the midst of my sadness. Even further, He was commanding me in the middle of my sadness, how I am to live it out.  

God was reminding me... there is a REASON for my sadness over Eathan not making it to 13... and it is a FRESH reason for TODAY.  It clicked.  I got it.  And I cried.  We went to see The Lion King in 3D and All the way through, I cried.  I cried and I cried.  And now I share because someone needs to hear this too.

Here is what God cleared up for me today.  We are not to stay stuck in an "old testimony."  Our losses and stories are worth sharing, but if we only have the stories from then, we are totally missing out on what He intended for the nows that started with the thens.  Is that about as clear as mud?  Stick with me... here is the thing....I will always remember what God did in the life of our son and those around us, and us, because of our son and his journey home to heaven.  Always.  I will never stop telling the stories and using those experiences to minister.

But the story did not end then.  Today, what God was telling me, and what I feel each of you need to know, is fresh things still come from what began back then.  "ABANDON!" today from God was Him saying, "Robin, quit trying to figure this thing out.  Go with it, where it is, today.  Trust me in the sadness of not seeing 13 that I am up to something just amazing through this sadness as I was the day I took Eathan home!" 

My new hurt in this new milestone means God is doing something... and it is something new!  Maybe it is with my teen daughter who just can't stay on God's path right now.  Maybe she needed to see my raw clinging to Christ new again today.  Maybe the sadness of missing 13 revealed my weakness and need for Christ in a fresh new way for her today and maybe in that she will find her way back to him.

Maybe someone reading this will.  Maybe it is you.  Maybe you have felt you have to hide the realness of what you are dealing with.  Maybe you are making excuses and blaming others as your try to escape the reality of what it is God is trying to say to you about you, in whatever you are dealing with. 

I don't know.... that is the God view.  What I do know is the word abandon for me today is translated into freedom to feel... raw, real, authentically feel the pain all over again today without shame or guilt in anyway.  It doesn't lessen my testimony of joy... it just authenticates the fact that there is joy even in sadness.  "ABANDON!"  = "FREEDOM!" 

It hurts that my son never saw 13 and never will.  I am not ashamed that I pulled in, cried, and even cried out, "unfair."  Why?  Because God Himself said for me to live "ABANDONED in HIM" and to do that, I have to lay it out as it really is.....  join me.  I am telling you... it's worth it.

Robin