A Nugget of Reflections... deep, personal, but worth sharing!

Hey... two days in a row! Can you say... RECORD! I did it! I returned on day two for my blogging! Can I get a whoo hoo? A Yee Haw? A.... okay well you get the idea. Okay, enough of that an on to why I am here... to share my nugget of the day.

The day started in church. There is something mighty comforting about finding that place you have been searching for. We have been looking for a church home since moving to Houston and over the last few weeks, God has solidified the answer and we are starting to settle in. Todd had to be out of town this morning, so I took the kids and headed on into worship alone, after dropping them off at their various places. Funny, I was all alone, but somehow felt very comfortable sitting among a sea of strange faces. That to me is proof it is where I belong. The message today was inspiring, though that is no surprise considering it was from the Word of the One true God. The sermon was dealing with treasures and the heart. As I sat and listened, I began to reflect on many things in my life and found tears flowing and a warmth in my soul. So, before moving further into the details of the reflections I was experiencing, I will sum up my nugget for this day with the simple reality, I know where I want my treasure to be and no matter what is taken away on this earth, my treasure remains and there, my heart will be also!

As I sat in the chair, I had one of those moments you see on movies, where a person enters their own thoughts and the rest of the surroundings around them rush away and fade into disappearance. My reflections took over and I lost all sense of reality that I was in that building with many others. It was suddenly just me and my rememberances. Things began to flow through my thoughts like clips from a movie, and that movie being my life. First thing that hit was of most recent. The sudden... and I mean ONE night's notice sudden... realization we faced last February that my husband's very successful career was ending the next morning. Just like that, all he had accomplished and work for was ending. No warning, no preparation, no appreciation, no assistance. Doors were closing and it was finished.

We have lost so much in our lives, especially our sweet, sweet little boy who lives in Heaven. But still yet, it hit hard and deep, especially for Todd. We began to do what we do in tough times, pray for the "what next" and "what now" things. We know, in all the trials, the only place to go for real answers, is to our knees. Todd took the blow pretty hard. A man is created to provide and protect. When he finds himself suddenly displaced without a plan to guarantee that for his family, if he is man at all, he struggles. I watched him struggle in the reality, but never in his faith. He remained certain, somehow, we would be okay. But it took its toll for certain. With the economy as it has been, jobs weren't just there for the taking, and certainly jobs with the salary he had worked hard to obtain, weren't just dangling on a tree. Wasn't long before we both knew, moving might be in the plan of the "what next". That began the process of relocation and led us to our new journey.

That meant saying goodbye to a very wonderful life, where our family was deeply rooted, but we knew to stay would mean to ignore God and that would bring consequences we wouldn't dare entertain. Todd left ahead of us and for five months, we lived apart while we ensured it was God's design for us to come. We lost a lot in that process and all of it, every bit, was not at all what we would have chosen. Had we had our sights on earth for our treasures, we would have been shaken to the core. But because we remember this is temporary things, we kept our eyes on Heaven and off we came, embracing this as a new adventure. And boy has it been an adventure.

Today, I reflected over the past year... Todd losing the job, Todd being absent from us for those five months, the painful packing and leaving our home, our family, our friends, our church to begin a journey into the unknown and the past six months of adjusting in the midst of that very journey that has only just begun. I have had people say, "The first year is the worst" in regards to the move. As I reflect, there are painful things, like I sometimes miss my mom and dad so bad I just ache, but I must say, it has been good. We have found ourselves crammed into an apartment as the house back home didn't sell. I am teaching again for the first time in Nine years. Though the job we moved for was not what it seemed, God has provided. Our kids are adjusting and finding favor in ways I never dreamed could be. And we are meeting new people that are clearly a part of the direct plan. We've become friends with a family with a medically involved child. When we talk, I remember so well my sweet Eathan and all I experienced, and for the first time, this friend feels like someone really does understand the difficulties and struggles a family endures in the midst of the blessings that come from having a heart wrenching medical journey with a beloved child.

Were my treasures turned towards earth, Todd and I might have shattered under the pressure and under the disappointment of 15 years of hard work, vanishing overnight. We might have buckled when we had to leave what we truly believed would be our "growing old together" home. We might have caved when we had to drive away, watching tear-filled faces of our children looking back at what we were leaving with such sadness and uncertainty of their future in the unknown place ahead. Instead, we just kept looking up. It carried us through the journey of Eathan and his leaping from Earth to Heaven after those harsh 18 months of suffering and it carried us through this past year of turmoil.

I reflected on our journey with our oldest adopted son, and even the struggles of our adopted daughter. Man, if I were going to get caught up in the "it doesn't make sense" mode, this would be the clincher. How, after all these years, can the bondage of genetics and painful beginnings still have such a grip. I know daily that Satan wants me to believe the victory is his as they continue to work through the issues of their pasts before adoption. But I serve a mighty God and I know that no matter what today looks like, my treasures are with Him. He gave me these children, broken and in bondage, and He hasn't forgotten them... or me. They are beautiful children and I love them. They are mine. I know this. They struggle. Man, if my treasure were on earth, I would not make it to tomorrow in faith that they will overcome all the sadness of their former lives. I reflected a lot on that today. Don't get me wrong, for those of you that don't know them, they are beautiful children and I when I close my eyes and dream for them, it is amazing what I see in their futures. I am their mom to the fullest my heart can hold and there is great potential. But they came wounded and though there were many years of joy, teen years has brought back issues of the past that only they can work through. It is no longer a battle their dad and I can have for them. It is theirs to work through and overcome... and only when they so choose. That is TOUGH on a family and TOUGH on a Mama's heart. But my treasure is in Heaven. Knowing that reminded me today that because my treasure is in Heaven and there my heart will be also, they will pull through some day because they are part of my investment towards Heaven. They are GOD's children.

Then I reflected on Seth. Wow... what a kid. Who would have dreamed he would be such a man of God at the age of 12 (almost 13 but I am in denial of that). And as I reflect on the other hard stuff, I remember who he is and get to see instant reality that God takes the bad and absolutely brings good out of it. All my kids have been through so much in their young lives. The older ones went through things I cannot fathom before God rescued them and planted them in the family they were chosen for. And then all of them have been through a lot together, namely the death of Eathan. They were so young, pure, and innocent when they faced the reality of death. They remember that child as much as we do, and Seth is better for it. He has a yearning for the things beyond our earthly existence that I have never seen before in a child his age. At a young age, he found Jesus and made it personal. I questioned his readiness until the pastor met with him and said he knew things you could only know if you KNOW. He has never wavered in that commitment to Jesus. He has already begun to sense where his life is headed... beyond football and wrestling of course... the path of Christ. Last year at youth camp, God did a mighty work of revelation into Seth's heart. He has a passion for the things of Christ and it carries through in every area of his life. As a result he has already faced persecution and testing that most don't face until later. And he has passed the tests with flying colors. Today I reflected on how great God carries and protects those that lean heavily into Him because Seth has been carried and grown.

I reflected on the purity of my little dramatic flair. She is our daily reminder that though the world is heavy, if you look at it from the view of the faith of a child, the reality is life is good, really, really good, and there is much to enjoy in the big and the small things. There is so much joy in raising her because her flair for life is beyond colorful and exhilarating. We will butt heads in the future. I see a strength and determination in her that will bring about some fierce battles of whose in charge when her teen years approach. But her heart is so tender that I am amazed at how wonderful it is going to be to see that determination, paired with her gentleness, engaged in the things Christ has for her. She loves Him already. She isn't close to realizing she will someday have to CHOOSE Him. Right now, she doesn't even have the concept there is another choice. It is purity. But I see Him planting her firm so when she awakens to that truth of choice, it will grip her heart and she will run to Him. Until then, I will breath in the fresh air that surrounds her innocence and child-faith and be reminded through her that life is to be lived RIGHT NOW!

And then I reflected on Eathan. How can I ever share all that sweet baby taught me in his short three years of life? His loss was great, but even greater was the victory I experienced when I saw his face that night and realized he was peaceful. We had made our mad race for the hospital. He had gone into shock... like he did every 7 to 10 hours the last weeks of his life. Our time with him had been interrupted with shock taking over yet again and we went into survival mode. Todd placed him in the car, I hugged the children as I ran to the car, and Eathan and I headed towards the hospital, where the team of angels that met us daily would be waiting to begin to save our son's life yet again. Todd always stayed behind until someone could get to the kids. It was just me and Eathan. Somewhere along the highway towards the ICU that night, Eathan leapt into the arms of Jesus. When I arrived at the hospital, I knew I wasn't hearing him. I sang the whole way there, tears streaming and not even remembering how I drove. Angels had to carry that Tahoe each time. I would look in the rear-view mirror, sing, and pray. I don't know how to explain it, but that Tahoe was not a car during those drives, it was a sanctuary. God did things in that car between me and Eathan that I will never be able to put into words. That night, it was the same. I sang, cried, and felt God so near I could touch Him!

So you can imagine my own shock when I flung open the back door to grab my suffering son, only to find his face relaxed, peaceful, and his mouth parted with a slight smile. His eyes were shut. I knew in that moment, he was gone. It took my breath, but only for a moment. My flesh was strong and I wanted him back so I began the long run down the hall to ICU, nurses running on each side of me, screaming, "He isn't breathing! He isn't breathing!" I can't go further tonight into the reflections of that night. They are for another day, to share. A time that is God's calling. Instead, I will tell you, God's plan carried out and my son was home, whether my flesh liked it or not. I can replay every word that was spoken over the next four hours as I held him close, not willing to accept. It is like a permanent video that can play crystal clear at any time I choose to push the play button. But more than I replay that, my reflection goes back to the look on his face. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever, ever, ever experienced. He did not pass from my love to heaven alone. Jesus came to get him... and he was THRILLED! His face was a beautiful testament that his tired little heart went to where his treasure was... with Jesus.

And when his heart went home, it solidified for my heart, that never ever would I want anything more than to see what he saw that night! I want to see Jesus! I want to feel what his faced proved he felt that night. I want to see Eathan again. I want to hold him and love him and smell him and hear his laugh. But even more than that, I want to see what he saw. And tonight, as deep as this is, I share it all to simply say, I want you to see Jesus with me. My prayer as you read this, is to remember today, with me, that where our treasure is, there our heart will be also and nothing... no job loss, no teen struggles, no health issues, can take from us what we store up with Jesus!

My love is full tonight..... a nugget of reflection!

Robin