This heart of mine....

Wow!  WOW!  I just finished watching American Idol from the Houston try outs.  The last contestant they showed was a worship leader (I liked him instantly because I knew he was my brother!).  He sang Amazing Grace (I liked him even more as that song is so tender to my heart since it was sung at Eathan's funeral and so many times is my heart cry to my Father!).  But the thing that did me in... he was born without ears!  WITHOUT EARS!  His parents were told he would never hear or talk, much less sing like he can.  As I listened to him audition, the tears welled up.  I was so moved.  I could feel Christ in him!  But then they should his daddy.  With his thick, Hispanic accent, he said, "He is the very best to me!" as he patted his heart.  While he listened to his son sing, he was moved to tears, big, enormous, almost sobbing tears.  When his son exited the audition room with his Hollywood ticket, his daddy grabbed hold of him and the embrace left no need for words.  Tears flowed from him, his son, and his wife... and I lost it.  It grabbed my heart and moved my soul. So of course.... I HAD to blog!

As most of you know, I teach those that don't learn the same as the majority.  They have special characteristics and needs that make them unique learners.  But the thing is, they ARE learners just like everyone else and so much more, they are the most amazing people on earth!  I have known since I was just a young girl, that those that are different are a blessing.  I have always been drawn to special needs of all kinds and I have always believed they are so much more than any "label" could define.  Tonight, as I watched this amazing man sing so powerfully (his story was awesome, but it wasn't just his story, but his voice was too!) while giving true praise to God, it was like I was having a celebration inside my heart! 

I needed to hug that man so much, as if we were old friends!  Why?  Because he is a true representation of what I believe about every single person with any kind of uniqueness that makes the "things of this world" a bit more challenging.  He overcame!  Yes, he had surgeries and the such, but it was his faith that he credited and I know without a doubt, that is where that magical voice came from! And I know inside of every precious child I teach or know of (or don't know of for that matter) is that same magic just waiting to find its way out. 

It may not come out in the way of reaching academics the way the standards show.  It may not come out in the way of a gifted voice.  And it may never be what was hoped for as the child began to grow in his or her mother's womb.  But... it's there... the magical touch.... in every single child struggling with challenges that seem so unfair from our vantage point. 

Tonight, as I sit here in tears, I want to write some things in honor of those that move me most... God's most special children that are gifted in their own precious uniqueness.  And I want to challenge anyone that reads this blog, please look beyond what the world defines and watch what you discover!  Never, ever, ever judge a book by it's cover!  Never ever, ever judge a child by a standard.  Look into their eyes.  See their heart.  Experience their soul, and there, you will find they are gifted beyond any of our wildest dreams!

• You will find sparkling eyes that notices the simple things in life
• You will find strength and determination that never gives up
• You will find courage and endurance to take the next step when their legs are so tired and twisted
• You will find a hug that comes from the very deepest part of a heart
• You will find acceptance of everyone... in the purest form
•  You will find lessons to be learned... and not for them, but for those who know them
• You will find beauty in ways the world will miss
• You will find a friend
• You will find joy
•  You will find laughter
• You will find creativity
• You will find humor
• You will find hope
• You will find loyalty
• You will find grace
• You will find originality
• You will find courage
• You will find ornery
• You will find fun
• You will find faith
• You will find peace
• You will find love...

We are told in the word  "But the greatest of these is love!"  I have no doubt this is most lived out through those that are anointed with uniqueness.  They are not mistakes.  They are not flawed.  They are gifted in ways the world may miss, but Christ never does. NEVER.  These are the ones, whether it is a physical or mental difference, that God has allowed to teach us what real living is all about.  I know because I teach them... and I know because I was my son's mom. 

I could write for days and it never be enough to say how my students have changed my life... how they change my life every day.  And I could write for months and years and it will never be enough to express all the ways I have been grown through Eathan's touch on my life! (oh wait!  I am already proving that since I have been writing about all that I have learned since Tuffy fell ill!) The impact of experiencing such beautiful differences has created a yearning in me for things far beyond the norm.  The norm isn't enough.  I want more.  I want unique.

My prayer, as I hope to pass this on to my children each day, is how absolutely amazing God is in His design to give our lives flavor.  My prayer is that my children, like me, will continue to be open to all people and that the Lord will give Him their eyes to see.  My prayer is that their hearts will continue to be tender and open so that I can continue to see them blessed through unexpected moments such as tonight, watching what is a very secular show! 

This song returns to me... I may have posted it before.  It doesn't matter.  It is scripture sung out and it is perfect for my overflowing heart tonight.  Maybe you have forgotten the blessings.  Are you facing cancer?  The loss of a precious loved one?  Divorce?  Depression?  Maybe it isn't you at all.  Maybe you are struggling for someone you love, wishing you could fix it for them.  Maybe you are hurting because if you could, you would take their place, but you can't... and it hurts.  I know that.  I have been there.  Oh how I would have died for Eathan.  Every day for 18 long months I would cry outwardly and even more inwardly, wishing I could take the pain for him. I have experienced his loss.  I have experienced the loss of a baby so wanted, only to find a cancerous tumor was the cause.  I have felt alone.  I have felt rejected.  But the thing I found... the thing I ALWAYS find... is in the thick of it... no truer words could be heard than Psalms 146

Listen.  Praise Him.  And celebrate the things the world finds hard because, as Lisa Terkhurst said this weekend at our Girls Night Out event. "Life's messes can either define you or REFINE you."  I believe with all of my heart, things that seem the hardest are God's greatest glory waiting to explode!  Hang in there... whatever it is.  And you just watch.  Just like this amazing man that sang so powerfully, though born without ears, God will do extraordinary things... and wash a sea of exploding love and hope as far and wide as the heart can imagine!  I just love Him!!!  And I am so blessed because He loved me first!

Listen... sing along... worship our ONE TRUE GOD!

Love You in Jesus! 

Robin

I STINK at letting go...

Okay.... I have FIVE children.  FIVE.  You would think by the last one, I would have this thing down.  But let me tell you, this morning proved yet again... I do NOT have this thing down.  I was there when all my older ones learned to ride their bike... (other than my sweet Eathan since he went to heaven at 3 but don't kid yourself, if I would have let him, he would have tried it and probably mastered it at 1!)... so you would think I would be cool with my youngest finally mastering this skill.  I am thrilled she is... and did... but outside of the safety of a no-traffic parking lot, I am a mess.  A. TOTAL. MESS.  She isn't going to get hurt because of her... she is going to get hurt because of ME!  I FREAK... if I think she wobbles and could fall... I yelp.  If I think she is starting to seem like she is angled towards a parked car, I screech.  And if the sound of a car is heard within MILES.... I flat out panic! 

And that got me to thinking...

Why is letting her go on her bike so hard for me?  I think because, like all other milestones she is hitting along the path, it is one more step towards letting go... of her... and I STINK at letting go!  I hear parents all the time talking about how they have just a few more years until freedom. I don't get that.  At all.  I love my kids.  I love being with them.  I enjoy them. I thrill in seeing them live their lives and become who they are supposed to become.  And I cannot imagine when I can't be there daily anymore.  They don't own my world.  I do have a life outside of them.  But I love them and they are pure joy to my everyday life...okay,  most of the time and the idea of this phase of parenting drawing to a close... whew, those tears can flow!

Just ask Seth!  When I picked him up from church camp this year, I was so glad to see him.  I wrote him a letter about some things that came to heart while he was at camp.  When we began to talk about camp and my letter, I ended up crying... the full on, ugly cry.  He was so quiet and trying so hard not to look at me like I was crazy.  That finally made me laugh. 

He asked, "Mom, why are you sad?"  I told him I was so proud of who he is, who he is becoming, and that I am excited to see where the road leads God has him on.  But I told him that I know how fast it goes once High School begins, and in my soul, I know God is going to be taking him places and doing things with him and I am already missing what I know I will miss in the day to day adventures of having him here with me.  He smiled his beautiful smile and gave me this look, through those gorgeous blue eyes, that was so affirming.  He seemed to say without saying, "Mom, I will always have room for you in my life."  I will cling to that look... always!
But today, seeing her ride her big girl bike, all the way around the block with her "Bubba", it was another one of those moments of "this is going to fast!".  So I begin to panic at the wobble of a wheel, at the serve of the tire, or at the sound of a car from miles away.  "She isn't ready!  SHE ISN'T READY!" is what my heart was crying out.  It is so exciting to see her grow.  But she is my LAST... my BABY... and she is riding a BIG GIRL BIKE... in the STREET... with CARS sometimes around! 

The reality... I am not ready!  I want to slow things down, cling to every breath they take, and let's be honest... I want to control them, because then I feel I have a better chance of keeping them safe and protected.  Boy is there a lesson in that...

Can you imagine if that is how God treated us?  What if He was this God that didn't allow us to try things and grow and explore?  What kind of people would we be?  We would exist in am entire world like that of those countries our country fights wars to prevail against... where a dictator stifles every existence beyond his control...and we would cease to have flavor, color, and worst of all, joy!  God knew in order for us to reach our full potential in Him, with color, flavor, and unspeakable joy,  He had to let us go in order that we might find our way back. 

I want to be like that for my children.  I am working hard at it.  It just doesn't come easily.  So today, as I watch her ride her big girl bike, against my very nature, I am letting her go... and trusting God to bring her home.

And in the same sense, He has let me go, and because I have trusted Him... He will bring me HOME as well.

Off to do some more screeching, and yelping, and letting go....

See ya on the blacktop!

Robin

making Rainbows...

The past couple of days, my youngest has been sick... I mean SICK.  She has been running a fever that has stayed between 101 and 104.  No other symptoms.  Just fever.  If it doesn't break by tomorrow morning, we will go to the doctor.  I have waited only because there are no other symptoms and usually that means "virus" and just has to run its course.  Anyway, I don't intend to blog all night about her fever... though did I mention it breaks my heart when she is sick?... Okay, okay, back to my point.

While she has been sick, I have been trapped.  Those of you that know me, know that me being trapped inside too long can be a dangerous thing.  This time was no different!  I started cleaning out and gutting and .... (GASP)... much to Todd's dismay... PLANNING my remodeling projects for the summer.  We have been in this house since last August and I have redone the kids rooms a bit, but with work, I haven't attacked the house the way I want.  So while my baby rested in her fever, I got busy.  There is a mess a mile high in the living room from the art cabinets I have sorted and I have about a million plans of what I want to do first with the fireplace and a built in area.  I have found the plans to redo the staircase, made a list of paint colors I want, and sat for a while looking online at items I want for decor.  Now I just have to find that darn money tree to fund it all.  I am telling you, were I rich, I could do some damage on remodel projects!

But alas, the money tree was not found, but some other treasures were.... including my very memorable old plastic box, with my name painted in dot-letters from a white paint pen, and bear and heart stickers adorning it.  As if the box alone didn't bring back memories, inside I had tucked away all of my most treasured friendship pins from all the way back in the day.  The immediate site of them took me back to that place in time and I can assure you, every single pin in that box is representative of those I held most dear and that held me dear as well, as they traded pin for pin with me.  Time marched on and it was no longer the "thing" to wear them on my shoes, but the idea behind the pins forbid me the ability to part ways with them, so I tucked them in my treasured plastic, paint-pen-written, container and held on to them all these years.

Amazing isn't it, how something as simple as a plastic box and some safety pins with beads on them, can bring back such a rush of emotions.  How instantly, the mind... and heart... travels back to that time that has been tucked away for so long, but is suddenly as vivid as the days in which it was actually occurring.  I have that experience often... from a picture, a song, a moment with my own kids that is so similar to some moment back when I was the kid... over and over it floods.  Treasured memories held captive in the depth of my heart, just waiting to resurface and bless me all over again.

And that got me to thinking.... I know... SHOCKER... ( Do you ever notice a theme to my writing? :)!)

How quickly I store such special little memories for the reminders of things I hope to never forget... and yet how often do I mark the moments with Christ in a way that I will never forget?  Some of them mark themselves... How every time I see a church pew... every single time, I can't help but remember the day, when I was nine-years-old, and I knew that moment that Christ was calling me to Him.  I don't have that church pew, but I do have a pew and it is my permanent reminder of the most important day of my life! Every single time I see it, I think of Jesus.  Another is the picture of the African and Asian boys I fell in love with one summer a few years back when I knew, that someday, somehow, I would travel beyond Mexico where I have currently done mission work, and fulfill a dream to serve in Africa... maybe, even maybe live there.  Every single time I see that picture... on a bed stand in my room, I am flooded with the impacting time with those boys and Jesus.  Or even the night of Eathan's departure to home... that expression on his face is photographed vividly in my mind as a permanent reminder of an astounding moment for him... and for me with what awaits us after death... if we know Him.

And though those things are absolute treasures, the thing is, why am I not bombarded with those moments all the time... ALL the time?  I have crosses in every room in this house.  How is it that I can walk past a cross and not find myself in tears, both of sadness and joy?  The crosses represent the most horrendous act of violence against a beautiful God in flesh, paying innocent blood for MY sin (and yours) and the victory that came because of it.   I can hardly get through the movie, The Passion of the Christ. So how it is, I can look at a cross and not be overwhelmed?

Here is what I think.... if I had left those friendship pins out and looked at them every day, I would have not forgotten them and what they represent... I would have just stopped appreciating them the way I did tonight.  I would be "comfortable" or even worse "complacent" with the idea of them.  They would still be special and a remembrance, but I wouldn't think of them as such a BIG thing because I would grow used to the memory of what they were  in my life.  I think the same is true of the cross.  We have made it such an ornamental part of our lives, that we forget the power behind the symbol. 

I don't forget Christ.  He is alive and moving in my life every day through the Holy Spirit.  But sometimes, I just forget to remember and appreciate... truly, truly appreciate in a way that makes me tender... what those beautiful crosses memorialize for each of us that know Him... and even the ones that don't... still yet the crosses memorialize the most sacrificial gift we could ever imagine. 

Don't get me wrong...I don't think we should walk around crying over the cross.  As the saying goes, "Sunday's a comin!".  The cross isn't the ending and certainly the joy is found after the cross... death could NOT hold Him in the grave!  But there should be a tenderness to our soul every single time we see one, knowing the cross isn't where the story ends, but it is the turning point for the happy ending to be available for the taking.  It just matters. 

As you know... this blog is a nugget for the day from the things I learned from the most amazing three-year- old ever to live on this earth.... and he was WAY to young to "get" the meaning of the cross.  So to take the point I am trying to make, beyond what I have already written, let me finalize my thoughts with this... Eathan didn't know to "memorialize" anything.  He was too young and too innocent to live outside of the very moments he was in.  His memorial for Jesus was the live in THIS moment way of life he lived. 

He found the good in all hard things... naturally and without hesitation... no matter the storm absolutely thrashing his little body to death.  Eathan lived in a Tsunami every single day.. from the inside out.  That disease was vicious and showed NO mercy.  But he didn't mark the storm... he marked the rainbows... by making them!

Tonight I found friendship pins.  They are a rainbow from my past.  The cross above this very computer is a rainbow into my future.  And I want to get up tomorrow and no matter what, go make rainbows in the moment to memorialize a life worth living because of Jesus... just like Eathan!

Want to paint the day in color with me? Let's go...............!

Robin

theif.... UGH!

Do you have any idea how many times I run around my house looking for my keys?  Or even worse, my phone, that sometimes ends up being in my HAND?  To be a pretty organized lady, my downfall is not laying my phone, my keys, or especially my glasses in one place.  And when I am looking for them, I could almost promise someone has picked them up because I just "know" I left them "right here!".  Anyone feel my pain? 

Went to church today and it rocked.  Heard more about Jeremiah, the "weeping" prophet, spent some time talking about guilt and how it plays out in lives of all people, both believers and unbelievers, and then heard a reminder of how amazing God is from the Psalms in "big church."  Both messages were refreshing... as usual.  Even though I am most always convicted of things I need to confess or work on in my life, still yet, the ultimate ending to what is received when the Word is spoken and read, is hope.  Got me to thinking...I know... SHOCKER!

Today's nugget of the day that hit me is how quick I am to blame Satan for stealing my joy, much like I am just certain someone moved my keys.  It is always "his" fault.  He threw another blow.  He hit below the belt...again.  And any of you that know us or our journey... know that is the truth... he has done that an awful lot.  However, as I was digesting the combination of messages God gave me today at church, something jumped up at me, right smack into my face, that wasn't even on the topic of discussions.  Why this surprises me, I don't know, because I know that God's word is ALIVE.  He has something personal to say through the bigger message presented.  Today my personal message was extremely potent.  BOOM!  So... here I sit.

Today, I have to confess! I have to admit I am a thief.  Like Satan, I am guilty of robbing joy, stealing peace, interrupting hope, sacrificing truth... I could go on I  regret, but I think you are getting the idea.  The rest I will leave for my time with God.  I didn't necessarily mean to.  I didn't set out to be that way.  And I would like to think it isn't the strongest part of who I am.  But, fact is, it's there and that is far too strong. 

I realized today as I was digesting some things on my own a few minutes ago, that while I am quick to admit and point at the serpent when things are rough, reality is, sometimes I am just as bad.  What?  As bad as THE serpent... satan?  With sadness I confess, yes... that bad.  Here is how.

When we visited the Psalms today, (Chapter 8 to be specific), I was reminded of how much more amazing is God than I reflect most all of the time.  I claim Him.  I recognize Him.  I praise Him, but really, do I truly spend my times understanding and proclaiming the depth of His amazement... of which I can't even fully grasp it is so majestic?  Nope.  Not at all.  I claim what I know are His promises.  I even try to live within the hope of those promises.  But then give me a blow, something that maybe is more an under the radar type issue than my child's illness or etc.  and suddenly I partner with Satan and begin my thievery.  It happens almost every day somehow.

Maybe it is a phone call that comes right after bible study.  BOOM!  Not the call I wanted.  Didn't like the news.  Suddenly I am back in a place of fear... almost instantly.  Maybe it is when I look in the mirror expecting to still see my fully in-shape, 16 year old body that I didn't know to appreciate when I had it, and grow instantly disappointed in who I am right now, physically.  BOOM!  Complaining and grumbling.  Maybe it is in the ongoing spiritual battles for my adopted children's bondage from their harsh start.  Seems to be so ongoing... without even knowing, doubt creeps in.  BOOM!

Without ever even meaning too, suddenly I am guilty of some of the worst sin of all... stealing my own promises over my life... from myself!  How is it that I know.. KNOW how amazing God is, how precious Jesus, the One and Only, is in captivating my heart, how remarkable the Holy Spirit is, who speaks daily to me when I am willing to listen, and yet BOOM!  What I hate satan most for, I find myself in the midst of.... thievery!

I tell you, the greatest battle I face every day (and I have to wonder if it is not yours as well) is not battling SATAN... it is battling MYSELF!  I have faith... no doubt about it.  I have hope... no question.  I have joy... exuding from within for sure.  But without even meaning too, I get down on satan's level and let my own thoughts become my own thief in the night. What a shame.  What a total shame.

But what is the difference, you might ask, between satan stealing my joy, and me stealing my own.  Well, it hit me today... that is so simple... and obvious.  The difference is... satan is the BOOM!  I am the reaction to the BOOM!  No matter how intentional I am about keeping my eyes on Christ, every single day, something has me looking "world view" rather than "Heaven view".  Satan can bring the BOOM, but only I decide how it affects me.  I have known that, but today, for some reason (that can only be given to the WORD being ALIVE and speaking directly to me in my heart from what did not come out in the messages at church) it hit that I truly am as deadly to myself as my greatest enemy at killing peace, hope, and joy. 

The bible talks so much about the little children.  He calls us to have the faith of a child.  He desires for the children to come to Him.  And I believe one of the reasons I most love that my whole world revolves around children is because God knows I need that clear picture in my face. I NEED it, because sometimes I am worse of an enemy for myself that the measly serpent I detest. 

When I think back to Eathan, I see the faith of a child.  I have written and written about it in this blog.  He had a peace that passed ALL understanding.  The doctors could deliver the worst news of all and crush my soul to pieces, but Eathan didn't bother with that.  His thoughts were on his joy in the moment.  Child-like faith.

When I think of my older two adopted children, some of my most precious moments were after we became a family and their past started to disappear and they began to embrace the new family God had given.  There were a few years in there for both of them, that they no longer worried of their past, nor rebelled against their present and future.  They just hung out in the peace and joy in the moments.  Child-like faith.

When I think of my biological children, I think of how both of them still seem to have a resounding sense of peace and joy that is much less inhibited by the things around them and more enhanced by what is inside of them. One reached the age of accountability very young and has been fully immersed in staying the course of that early faith and one is still residing in total child-like faith. 

And then there are the precious kids I teach.  I have so many levels of kids and so many different situations that they deal with.  Most all of them live in this beautiful place of being much less concerned about the things of this world than those of us around them.  It is powerful to me.  POWERFUL.  Child-like faith.

And then I am drawn back to myself.  BOOM!  Today's BOOM was straight from God.  As much as I am trying to live my life for Him, I have to slow down the bus and keep a close, close, close eye on me in EVERY moment.  Obviously, I have the bigger picture figured out.  I am HEAVEN BOUND because of GRACE through CHRIST.  And I even have the bigger picture figured out that I have to be armed and ready for attack from the enemy.  But today, God said BOOM!  "Robin, get yourself purposed to notice each and every single reaction of your day... good and bad.  Look closely child!  You understand I am here.  You understand and crave my protection.  I am giving it.  But child!  Though you have figured out to run to me in the big BOOMS he brings, you still have so much work to do in the smaller things... like what you see in the mirror.  Why, if I see Jesus, don't you when you look?"   Ouch.  Why DO I see the bad and not the GRACE.  OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! 

So my nugget of the day... like Eathan was almost perfect in doing, we must, must, must, recognize that not all of the attacks are from satan.... they are directly from our flesh, born into sin, but saved by grace.  We will never fully perfect our reactions and responses this side of heaven... or there would never have been a need for the cross... but we can sure make purposed intents to one situation at a time, grow more and more purposeful in owning what is our own reaction that is stealing the abundant life of blessings God has. 

Satan is after us.  Worst thief I know.  But man, I think our own flesh is running such a close second.  I get so armored up to defend against him, that I forget to arm up against my own nature.  BOOM!  My reaction today... Satan is taken care of.  He doesn't do one thing to me that God isn't already aware of and in His perfect way, defeating (no matter how it seems to me.)  And I am taken care of too.  God will let me have opportunities every single day to draw closer to reacting in faith not fear.  Today, I am going to remember to not be my worst thief of all. 

Peace!

Robin